Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  Who the fuck was he and what the shit did he want from Ellie?

  I run back to my girlfriend, climbing back in from the window. I find her all curled up on a corner of the bed and I can sense just how scared she is right now. Emily enters the room as well holding a glass of water, she’s sleepy but definitely shook, too.

  "Hey, it's all right baby, it’s okay…" I say, walking closer to her.

  "Noah, if… if it weren't for you, I…"

  "Let’s not think about that now, okay? You did report last month’s accident, didn't you?" I ask, but she shakes her head and although that alters me, I say nothing because that’s partly my fault as well.

  "More weird stuff happened, too. Some time ago I came home and found my bedroom’s windows wide open, as well as some of my drawers, but I thought that maybe I was just being paranoid. I thought that maybe, I’d left things that way myself, absentmindedly… I mean, this happened back when we were taking some time apart, so I wasn’t really paying that much attention to anything. Ugh, I don’t know”

  "I noticed some pretty weird shit as well, actually. I found the toilet seat up and that’s absurd, because neither of us ever lift it. I also saw some cups in the dishwasher that none of us had loaded…" Emily says, shuddering at the thought.

  "We need to talk to the headmaster, I mean, they’re gonna have to do something about this, no?"

  "Do what, exactly? They certainly aren’t going to get us bodyguards"

  "No, but maybe they have external cameras around campus that might help us track that person down. We have to tell them, Ellie. It won’t be one, but three of us asking for help, they can’t just ignore us all" I say.

  They both nod in agreement, as Emily rubs her tired eyes.

  "But you shouldn't even be here" Ellie says. I try to think about a plausible excuse but right now, I have nothing intelligent to say, so I say nothing at all.

  "Hey guys, would you mind me sleeping in your room for the night? On the couch of course... I’m really scared, honestly” Emily says.

  "Of course, go ahead” replies Ellie.

  Emily settles down on the sofa, while I lay in bed next to my girlfriend and pull her close to me. I hold her tightly, kissing her neck and she sighs in relief, as if she felt safe in my embrace, shielded.

  "I love you" I whisper.

  "I love you too" she says, still clinging onto me.

  It's the first night that Ellie and I are sleeping together again, after what happened and once again, I find myself thinking that if there’s anything that I am absolutely certain of in life, is that she’s my other half. A half that I can’t live without.

  Ellie

  26

  I’ve been nervous all night. I don’t even want to know what might have happened, hadn’t Noah been there. Who the hell was it and why? Noah wants to tell our principal about it all, but how is he going to justify the fact that he was over at our house, when he wasn’t supposed to? This too is against the rules, we know it well and the person who sneaked into my room surely does as well. I sigh, looking at myself in the mirror, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve never been able to have a normal life; Growing up, Amelia and I had to make it on our own. When mom died, everything fell apart and dad couldn’t find the strength to fight back. He stopped looking after the family business, so Amelia had to step in and take everything into her own hands instead, despite how young she was. Whenever I wasn’t studying, I’d always be helping her over at the hotel, there were never any parties, games or fun activities for me, ever. I’ve always had to watch people my age deal with such trivial problems, such as what clothes to wear, the trendiest shoes to buy or the latest cell phone to get. I looked at them with envy, not because of what they owned, but because they were so carefree compared to me.

  I used to look at Nolan and smile, thinking about how in a way I had become part of his perfect family too, a loving family with no big problems, but when I looked at Noah, all I’d see was a reflection of the pain that I had inside. I did know that he had some problems at home, but he never opened up about what would actually happen to his him or mom, whenever his father got back home, late at night and rotten drunk. I sigh once again, thinking about a quick way to make my hair look decent and opting for a messy bun. When I step out of the bathroom Noah’s still sitting on my bed, he’s got his head bowed and his elbows leaning on his knees. I wonder what else is worrying him right now, besides last night’s intrusion.

  "Hey" I say, running my fingers through his hair.

  "Hey" he says, entwining his hand with mine.

  "Is everything okay?" I ask him.

  "I mean… I'm a little worried" he admits.

  "Worried about what happened last night?" I ask and he sighs, standing up. The fact that he’s not giving me an answer is itself an answer. Now I’m sure that something else is on his mind, just like I’m sure that sooner or later he’s going to talk to me about it, he just needs his time. Despite the fight we had last night, I pull him closer to me and give him a sweet kiss on the lips. I know that he’d never hurt me and I also know that even if he’s trying, his jealousy towards mustn’t be easy to deal with, especially not now. I wouldn’t even mind this side of Noah, if only it wasn’t for the fact that Nolan is literally like family to me. I don’t want to distance myself from him, just like I wouldn’t want him or his family to distance from me. There’s got to be a solution to this and we’re going to figure it out, together.

  "I love you" I say, trying to reassure him.

  I’m sure that he’s in bad mood because of the discussion we had earlier. The fact that he sighs, pulls me closer to him and kisses me passionately proves this to me.

  Our tongues collide and entwine, dancing passionately with one another. He brings his hands up to my cheeks and holds my face, caresses it. His lips, his hands and his eyes are all over me, as if nothing else mattered beyond me. We give each other one last kiss and when he moves away, he looks relieved.

  "I love you too" he affirms.

  ***

  Emily’s very tired and her face says a lot about her mood, too. All three of us leave the apartment trying to figure out what steps to take before speaking to our headmaster, but to distract me is Amelia, walking at a brisk pace towards us. I move away from Noah, but only to run up to her, worried as hell.

  "Amelia, are you okay? What are you doing here?"

  "We need to talk, guys" she says, looking at me worriedly, then turning to Noah.

  "Noah, I'm sorry… but you need to go back to Venice. Your mom’s in the hospital and she needs you"

  "Wait… What do you mean? What happened?" he asks. Amelia looks at him with a desolated expression on her face and Noah immediately understands, just like I do, that behind this is his father and his drinking habit.

  "Fuck!" he says, nervously running his hands through his hair. He’s got an empty expression on his face and looks completely absentminded. I step closer to him and lovingly caress his back, trying to comfort him.

  "Noah, everything will be okay, but we have to get to her now" I say. He nods, then takes my hand and starts heading towards Amelia’s car.

  I ask Emily if she wants to come with us too before we go. I really don’t feel like leaving her here on her own after what happened last night, speaking of which, I‘ve decided not to tell Amelia anything about yet. I know her and I know that she’d start freaking out immediately if she knew what happened.

  I settle down in the back seats, next to an unusually quiet Noah. I wish he’d speak to me. I wish he’d open up a little and tell me what’s going on with him. I’m worried about what he’s thinking, I’m worried he might be blaming himself for what’s happened, he always does that whenever his mother’s involved. To me, she’s just weak. She’s a weak woman, who refuses to leave her abusive husband in order to ‘save’ herself and her child.

  Weak yes, just like my father.

  Noah

  27

  I hope and pray that things aren�
�t as bad as they seem. I know what it feels like to be beat up by dad when he’s drunk, and I remember well how violently he’d always hit her.

  I can’t help thinking that I’m the one to be blamed for this.

  Amelia tells me that she had stopped by to say hi but found her passed out on the floor. I count the minutes that separate me from seeing her, the woman who raised me and who’s always loved me unconditionally.

  When we reach the hospital, I’m a bundle of nerves, Amelia and Emily leave, whereas Ellie stays by my side. I'm really grateful for her, I wouldn’t have the strength to face my mother’s conditions without her support. When we finally enter inside her room, I calm down a little, it’s not nearly as bad as I’d imagined.

  There’s an open scar under her chin, that looks exactly like the one I have above the eyebrow - the one dad left me with when I was still just a child - a purple bruise around her eye and a headband wrapped around part of her head.

  I step closer to her, meanwhile the doctor enters the room. The nurse tells him that I’m her son, so he explains to me what has happened to her. The way she’s been hit on the head left her a mild concussion but all in all, she’s fine. They’ll be keeping her here for the rest of the night, but she’ll be free to go in the morning.

  "Thank God" I say, sighing in relief. When the doctor leaves, I take a closer look at mom, she looks tired and pale and it really hurts, to see her so miserable, vulnerable and worn out. She didn’t deserve such a shitty husband and she didn’t deserve such a shitty son either, a son who selfishly abandoned her to follow his dreams. I hold her hand and kiss it tenderly, if there’s anybody I owe anything to in life, well, that’s my mother and if putting aside all of my desires, needs and ambitions is what it’ll take to keep her safe, then that’s what I’ll do… that’s what I should have done all along.

  My father is nowhere to be found.

  He’s really fucked things up this time and he knows that, just like he knows that the police won’t turn another blind eye on him. I knew he’d run away and hide from his responsibilities it was to be expected from a coward like him. He simply left, caring less about mom or the state that he left her in. Had he run away earlier, years ago, things would have been easier and better for us all, but it’s better late than never.

  Ellie's cleaning up the huge mess in the kitchen, another clear sign of the fact that my father was shitfaced that night. There’s shards of china all over the place, the table centerpiece somehow ended up in the living room and the flower paintings that used to be up on the wall, the ones that mom loved very much, now lay on the floor as well, in pieces. I’m speechless and I can’t do anything other than look around me, unable to react in any way.

  Ellie takes my hand. I can see her, I can see that she’s trying to communicate with me, but I’m way too distant, to actually hear what she’s saying. Everything feels muffled and chaotic, it’s as if I wasn’t really there and as if she wasn’t either, everything feels unreal. She leads me to my bedroom and helps me lie down.

  "You should get some rest, Noah" she whispers, gently caressing my head.

  I sigh and close my eyes, hoping that I’ll fall sleep for a while and stop thinking about the fact that my father’s once again ruining my life.

  A couple of hours must have passed by now and when I get up, Ellie’s still in the kitchen. She’s tidied everything up and even found the time to replace the old paintings that used hang be the wall, with brand new ones, depicting the very same flowers that mom loves so much. She must have painted them at home and brought them back here. The more I realize all that she’s doing for both me and mom, the more speechless I become. This is all just further proof of the fact that she truly is the woman of my life and that I couldn’t but love her, completely.

  I don’t know what she thinks, feels, wants or decides to do, all I know is that she’ll always be my one and only and I’ll make sure to remind her of that every day, for the rest of her life.

  I silently walk into the room and she doesn’t seem to notice, being too concentrated hanging up the last one of her wonderful paintings. I softly hug her from behind, surprising her and in response she whispers "Hey" to me, smiling.

  I spin her around and hold her close to me, as I kiss her passionately. I lift her up from her ass and sit her on the kitchen table, looking at her, then spread her legs apart and settle between them. I haven’t forgotten about what I said last night, but I can't help myself, not today. I need her entirely I need to feel her body against mine and her hands entwined with mine. I need to feel wrapped by her warmth and I need all of her love, all of it.

  Ellie does not move away, she pulls me nearer instead, kissing me back with the same passion, intensity and necessity that I have. She looks into my eyes, smiling at me, then takes my shirt off and I do the same with her.

  I take all the time I need to observe and admire what I’ve just unveiled: her white lace bra standing in perfect contrast with the color of her tanned skin, her gracious breasts, perfectly enhanced and wrapped by the precious fabric and her little sparkling navel piercing, that never fails to make things so, incredibly exciting, to me at least.

  I delicately trace the shape of a heart and heartbeat lines on her skin, the same shape that’s tattooed on my neck with her name underneath it. It’s the most important tattoo I’ve got, the one that matters most to me.

  She knows that something’s worrying me and the fact that she remains in absolute silence, as she observes me and delicately caresses my hair, proves that to me. This isn’t the right time to talk about feelings though, this is the right time to make her mine.

  I look at her and she’s simply to die for. The skirt pulled up above her hips makes her look even sexier than she already is, and I can’t help myself, I just need to be inside her, I need to slide through her wetness, here and now. I take off my trousers and boxers and do the same with Ellie’s lingerie, I swallow the pool of saliva in my mouth and in an instant, I am inside of her. My heart beats out of control, whereas my soul seems to be finally at peace. Ellie is and always will be the only person that can calm me down, no matter what the circumstances are. The bond we share is so special and irreplaceable, really... but this isn’t our time, yet.

  I look into her eyes trying to find the strength within me to let her go, saying goodbye to her in the least painful way I could think of. This is the best way I’ve got do it, this is the best way I know to show her how much I love her, how appreciated she is and how much she means to me.

  I hold Ellie close and tight, feeling up her soft skin, trying to memorize how every inch of her feels like under my touch. I move firmly, but slowly, trying to make this moment last for as long as possible, as she runs her hands through my hair and holds on to me, moaning with pleasure. I kiss her exquisite lips, that fit so perfectly with mine, like the rest of her. We were made for each other, it’s in our DNA, it’s undeniable.

  We... we are perfect together, I think to myself, while my heart tears apart entirely. I put my hands around her back and pull her closer to me, making her body stick to mine. I try to memorize her every moan, the way she eagerly follows each one of my thrusts and how erotically she looks at me doing so. I try to memorize everything about this, about her, about us… as much as I possibly can, because she’s all I need and all I’ll ever need, now and forever.

  The way she’s moving is making me go absolutely insane, I keep pushing it in deeper inside of her, as she looks at me into the eyes in a way she never has before and the expression on her face kills me. It’s as if she knew already, as if she also was trying to memorize our final instants together. She wraps her arms tighter around my neck, bringing me closer, gently sliding her hands through my hair. Although I do not want this to end, I feel like the both of us are about to reach peak and we do so, dragging each other into something even more intense and overwhelming than usual.

  I have no words and I seem to find can’t find any. Our bodies are drained, just like my soul. I lift Ell
ie up in my arms and carry her to bed with me, as my guilt is eating me alive. I want this last night together to stay with us, forever. I need her to remember it, I need her to engrave it in her soul, at least until things between can go back to normal again.

  ***

  "What do you mean you’re not coming back with us?" Asks Ellie, devastated.

  "Mom needs me, I can’t leave her”

  I’ve been very cold and distant all week, I’d often find Ellie staring at me, thoughtful and preoccupied. Mom was dismissed from the hospital a few days back and aside from a good eight hours of sleep, she did not need much else. There’s still not a trace of my father, but just because he’s finally fucked off somewhere, that doesn’t mean he won’t be back again and just because he’s gone, that doesn’t mean he’s changed. I can't afford to risk leaving mom alone with him again, not this time.

  "But Noah, you'll be left behind with everything and you already have so much to catch up with. Besides, your coach said that…"

  "I talked to my coach already, he said not to worry, that he understands and that he’s giving me all the time I need. You know what the real problem here is, Ellie? The problem you, out of all people, being unable to understand the gravity of the situation" I accuse her, my voice tone as sharp as a blade, as if she was in any way responsible for any of this.

  "Okay, maybe you did talk to your coach, but you didn’t talk to me!" she says, loudly gulping. She’s trying her hardest to keep herself under control, but I know that she wishes she could just yell at my face.

  "I didn’t, because I knew that you wouldn’t get it, and , it’s shows, seeing your reaction!"