Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  "Wait, what the fuck… you would have rather slept with Phil?"

  "Oh come on, as if" I reply, still silently praising the Lord that he’s rescued me in time.

  "You are my girlfriend" he says, stepping closer to me.

  "No, I'm not!" I say, but the words coming out of my mouth, to him, seem to be inaudible.

  "You're right, you’re not... because you’re my everything. Oh, and Ellie, just so you know, having to stay away from you was one of the hardest things that I've ever done in my life" he says.

  I shake my head, as the distance between us shortens.

  Noah

  34

  "I don't know if I can ever get over it Noah. It was awful and I can't... I can't live in anguish" she says. I sigh taking her wrist, drawing her closer to me and then hugging her tight, wishing our souls merged.

  When I find the strength to let her go, I softly entwine my hand with hers, lead her to the desk chair with me, sit down and then pull her onto my lap. I don't even really know where to start, I guess it would be better if I just told her everything from the very beginning.

  "When we rushed back to Venice and I saw my mother in those conditions I felt like dying. Seeing her in that hospital room killed me on the inside, Ellie. I was only a child when my father started beating her up in front of my own two eyes and I was only a child when I started stepping in between her and his abuses"

  "Noah" she whispers, sweetly running her finger on the scar above my right eye.

  I’ve never told anybody how many beatings I’ve had to take to keep my mother safe, neither Nolan, nor her. I bring her hand up to my face and kiss it gently.

  "Let me finish - I whisper - I felt guilty, because I’d abandoned my mother to build myself a future, to fulfil my dreams and then when I saw her, it just seemed to me as if I didn’t have the right to do that anymore. I started thinking that it was just not worth it, if it meant that she’d risk her life because of my father, because of how much of a bastard he is. Then I looked at you, Ellie. I know what you’ve been through and for Christ's sake, I would have been mental to drag you down with my disastrous family problems as well, knowing that you already have so much of your own to face. I told myself that I had to let you go, at least for a while, at least until I could fix things with my father. I had to make sure that both you and mom stayed safe and away from him. You know what you mean to me, Ellie. I know it, you know it and I also know that you feel the same way as I do. I hadn’t considered the fact that staying away from you would have made you suffer, until one day, finally, someone opened my eyes. I wasted no time and sprinted right back here, for you. I don’t know what happened to my father, but I do know that I’m not willing to lose you over this or over anything, ever. I, without you, cannot function.

  I, without you, cannot exist"

  "Noah" she whispers with tears in her eyes.

  "Let me finish, please. I hurt you and I understand that. I am also hurt, especially because you kissed another person last night, but it doesn’t matter, because I want to start things over with you, Ellie. I want to do it all over again, because it’s undeniable that we were made for each other. As much as we may try to fight it, our hearts will always be beating the same. You are and always will be my girlfriend, whether you like it or not, at least until I get the chance to turn you into something more"

  "I want to take things easy this time, Noah" she says, as I wipe away more tears that I’ve made her shed.

  "We'll take it nice and slow, my love" I say and even if for an instant, a shy smile escapes her mouth. She nods, then gently leans her head on my shoulder.

  “Noah, you are not only my boyfriend, you are also my best friend... the best I could have ever asked for. Don't ever take this away from me again" she pleads, sniffling.

  "That’s never going to happen, I swear. Let's start over, let’s start fresh, right now! May I invite you out for dinner? As a date... our first, proper date" I ask and she nods, smiling wholeheartedly.

  Sixteen years-old

  "Oh my Gosh, a car!" screams Ellie overly excited, just like I am.

  "My father said that if I could fix it, I could keep it and so I did'

  "Oh, that makes sense. Now I understand where your sudden garage-love came from" she says, taking another bite out of her red liquorice stick.

  I look at her, running my hand on my new, little toy.

  "Do you wanna go for a ride?" I ask, hoping for her to be the very first person to do so. I don't know why, but I wish I could have all of my first times with her and viceversa. The more I think about this though, the more I realize that I need to push my thoughts away immediately: Nolan would kill me if he knew how many times a day I think about making love to Ellie, he really would.

  "You won't get me killed, will you?" she asks hesitantly.

  "Ellie come on, nothing’s bad ever happened to you in my presence!"

  "Oh God, what are you on about? You made me fall off my bike once!" she says, emphasizing such an irrelevant, small detail.

  "Well technically, I didn’t do anything, you were the one who let go my scooter’s handlebars" I remind her.

  "Right, of course… come on! You were speeding like a madman, careless of the fact that I was on a bike!"

  "You just couldn't keep up with me babe, it’s not my fault"

  "Stop the rambling Noah and take me for this damn ride before I change my mind"

  "Please, you’d never change your mind. I know that you love going out with me, even if you’ll never admit it"

  "Presumptuous much?" says Ellie, smiling.

  I melt on the inside whenever that wonderful smile of hers comes out, it drives me completely insane. I think this friendship’s becoming a little too dangerous for me.

  "Get in, then!" I say, opening the car seat for her. She looks at me strangely for a moment, maybe because she didn't expect such a kind gesture. Ah... if only she knew the things, I’d do for her. She smiles again and jumps in.

  I get behind the wheel and I can’t help but notice that Ellie’s wearing a really short skirt, so short that I have to bite my lower hip and keep my hands steady onto the steering wheel to resist touching her.

  "Are you ready?" I ask, hoarsely.

  "Always am" she replies, winking at me.

  Noah

  35

  The beach is our place.

  It’s the place I took her to on that first car ride, the one where I taught her how to ride a tide, the one where I started dreaming about her, desiring her beautiful body and also, the very same one where I first made her climax, allowing her to find out what real pleasure feels like.

  We lay against my car’s trunk, eating sandwiches that we bought earlier on from a small kiosk nearby. Tonight’s quite a humid night, a timid breeze lightly whirlwinds through Ellie’s hair as she’s chews down another bite, seemingly entranced by the beautiful panorama before us, following the waves back and forth with her eyes. There’s not many people around, so we can both enjoy the tranquility of the moment, but as I try to do so, something stops me. It’s in my head, it’s a thought, a thought that won’t leave me alone and that I can’t hold back any longer. I just have to ask her I have to ask how she’s spent these past few months without me.

  "What did you get to up when I wasn’t here?" I ask, regretting it immediately after. Ellie's mood turns upside down, she sighs in a way she never has before, expressing pain, suffering and sadness all at once, all in a single breath.

  "Nothing much, Noah" she cuts it short.

  "I'm sorry" I tell her, but she doesn’t respond, she remains distant and cold and I can’t understand why. When did she stop telling me what’s on her mind?

  "Ellie please say something" I continue. She looks at me angrily, with a facial expression that’s charged with what seems to be pure, utter resentment.

  "I wish you’d have said something to me as well, back then. Your silence... it was deafening" she replies, extremely irritated.

  "I'm sorry
" I repeat, not knowing what else to say. I know that I sound like a broken record, but I really have no other words, I just feel like shit.

  ‘You said that already" she says and I sigh, resigned. I have no idea how to fix this, how to fix us.

  "It’s because that’s how I feel. I know I fucked up big time, but I can’t stand you being so cold"

  "Noah, I don't like being this way either, believe me. You’ve always been a big part of my life, there’s not one important moment in life that I don’t remember having you next to. From the very first day of kindergarten, until the first day of college. I drove a car for the first time with you, surfed my first wave with you, you even taught me how to swim and when my mom died, you were right there by my side, holding my hand. The number of things that I associate you with is endless, to the point that a whole evening wouldn’t be enough to count them all. What I’m trying to say is that I never thought you'd be the first to shred my heart to pieces, too. Although you didn’t mean it, it still happened and now I need time to heal"

  "That was not my intention, I was simply trying to do the best thing for you. I never thought I’d hurt you so much, otherwise I would have found another way to deal with things. I don’t know about you, but I never once stopped feeling ‘yours’ and I thought that would have been enough. I thought that would have been enough not to lose you and I stupidly thought that it’d have been the same for you, too".

  "You broke up with me, Noah. Instead of saying: ‘I’m going to stay here and see how it goes, then come back to you’ you just left. You told me it was over, you showed me that it was over, you never even called or texted, not even once! I don’t understand what made you think that it would have been enough to simply feel tied to me, to save such a wrecking ship"

  The words that come out of her mouth make me feel sick and I lose my appetite completely. I am such a complete idiot and I wish I could just tell her that, over and over again, I really do, but she knows that perfectly well already. I don’t want to emphasize how much of an asshole I’ve been any further, but neither can I tell her I’m sorry again.

  "I'm nothing without you. I can’t imagine life without you in it" I say and watch, as her frown turns upside down. As always, my heartbeat quickens, this time even more than it usually does, because to know that I might have had to never see that heart-melting smile again almost killed my soul.

  "I know you are nothing without me" she says, and I laugh, picking up the sarcasm with which she speaks.

  She caresses my face softly, fondling my cheek with her thumb, then leans in to kiss me. One brief kiss, then she moves away slightly and stares deeply into my eyes.

  "Do not let anything like this happen ever again" she says under her breath.

  "I won’t, Ellie" I say. I put my sandwich away, cup her face into my hands and pull her closer to me.

  The breeze moves her hair once again as our eyes encounter, while I hold and caress her face, wishing that I could do the same with the rest of her body.

  "I love you with all my heart" I tell her.

  "And I love you more" she says, posing her lips on mine and finally breaking the distance between us. She comes closer to me, settling down on my lap. The desire I have for her is palpable, it can’t be concealed.

  "Ellie," I whisper to her.

  "What's wrong?" she asks.

  I don't know what's wrong. I want her to continue, but at the same time I want her stop.

  "Don't get me wrong, I’d keep kissing you until the morning and do a lot more than just that but… what about you? Are you sure you’re ready?"

  "Noah, are you sure you’re never going to break my heart again?"

  "More than sure"

  "Then get back here, kiss me and let’s do whatever it was that you meant for ‘more’"

  I don’t let her say that twice and immediately draw her closer towards me. I observe her, caressing my face as if she hadn’t seen me in a long time, as if she were only really seeing me now, after all those days apart.

  "Ellie" I say, gently stroking her back.

  "Yes?"

  "Do you ever think about when we’re going to have a lot of time away from each other?" I ask, because I do that often and the mere thought of it kills me.

  “Sometimes I do, but it’s not always going to be that way, is it?"

  "No, not until we find a place to move to together"

  "Where would you like to go?" she asks, running her fingers through my hair, sitting astride me. It’s hard to keep talking when I’m already picturing her naked, but the conversation we’re having is important and I’m too focused on it to even give into temptation.

  "I do not know, it all depends on the team I’ll be joining. What about you?" I say.

  She shrugs, then kisses me softly: "I can paint from anywhere in the world, what truly matters to me is you" she answers, making my heart skip a beat.

  How is my girlfriend so perfect?

  I take a quick look around: the beach is now deserted. I kiss her, slowly lying her down on the hood of my car, sliding my hands under her shirt and thoroughly feeling up her soft, delicate skin, as our tongues lead one another in a sweet and sensual duet. I keep kissing her, slowly moving from her lips to her neck and then from her neck, downwards, as I untie her bra, freeing her wonderful bosom from the silky, white lace. She’s so, damn perfect. I grab her breasts, looking at her straight into the eyes, as she stares right back at me, intensely. I look downwards to better contemplate her curves, her rosy nipples turning turgid under my tongue’s wet touch. I crave her, every little bit of her, insanely almost. We haven’t made love in so long now, that if my desire for her is usually strong, then this time around it’s completely, utterly irrepressible to say the least. I unbutton and pull down both her shorts, along with her underwear, then start kissing her ankle, slowly moving upwards, savoring every single inch of her skin avidly.

  I never thought that I’d have adored my car even more than I did already, nor that the front part of it would be so great to get intimate on, but hey. My attention moves to her sweetest spot, I roll my tongue gently up and around it, making her moan and whimper loudly, which drives me completely crazy. She’s dripping wet, ready to welcome me wholly, but I need to taste her better before I do anything else. I need all of her, all the way. She grabs onto my hair, holding onto it firmly to lead and follow my head’s movements.

  "Noah" she moans.

  I can tell that she’s about to come and I simply can’t stop myself. I keep going at it even faster, making her body shake with pleasure and just as my persistent moves are electrifying her most, I slide two fingers up inside of her, making her tighten her hands’ grip all at once. Her clit starts throbbing against my tongue, so I move my eyes upwards to look at her. She tilts her head backwards, moaning and whispering my name. Her gorgeous breasts still out, the satisfied expression on her face, the way her vagina keeps pulsating more by the second, it just makes me go utterly insane. I look at her, so vulnerable and yet at ease, despite the intimacy of the moment and the place we’re at.

  Without waiting any further I free my erection, ready to make her orgasm again until we both run out of strength. I sink slowly inside of her, trying to relish the moment as much as I can. I love this girl more than my own life, she’s the one that I owe my soul, heart and body to and hurting her was not my intention at all. I love her, I always have and I always will, incessantly.

  A fierce shiver run down my spine at the idea of losing her again, we’re both still young, with a lot life projects to work on, together. I look into her eyes, moving back and forth inside of her, slowly. Ellie keenly follows my movements, as she runs her thumb over my lower lip, which I lightly bite onto. Her velvety, warm breasts bouncing against my chest, her tepid, soft wetness enveloping me wholly, I roll my eyes to the back of my head, simply overwhelmed by the way she’s making me feel. I clutch her hands and hold them over her head, grasping her breasts with my free hand, relishing that wonderful, priceless feeling
of fullness.

  "I love you" I whisper.

  "And I love you. Kiss me again, Noah."

  My lips immediately reconnect with her, our kiss is hectic, needy and as erotic as it needs to be, just like our movements, even more intense, even more fast-paced, even more passional. I thrust with force, shoving my cock deeply inside of her, as much as I possibly can. I want her to feel me entirely, I want to fill her up all the way and so, I do. Hit after hit, her body starts shaking again as she screams my name out and I let myself go as well, to what is the most bewitching orgasm and connection I’ve ever felt in my life.

  Ellie

  36

  Three years later

  The years here at UCLA literally flew by, now we’re all excited and eager to know what's going to happen next in our lives. Noah and I are closer than ever, although in a matter of days our paths will have to split and I can’t deny that, just the thought of it terrifies me. Neither of us know how things are going to be from here onwards, all that’s certain is that we’re both very ambitious and determined and I can’t but hope that this won’t get in the way, in our way. I pray that whatever happens now, it won’t lead to the end of us. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll never allow that to happen. Noah is the love of my life, the missing piece of my heart.

  I’m finishing up the fifth piece for an exhibition that was set up for me and two other UCLA students. The exhibition I attended on my first year was a complete success and from then on, it all started going up hills. A series of shows and exhibits began for me, my works always esteemed and appreciated by all. I even managed to win a couple of awards, too and my next goal, after these last upcoming events, will be taking part in a competition at New York’s most prestigious museum, the MoMA.