Breaking Hearts (B-Boy #2)

by S. Briones Lim

  I shut my eyes and let out a high-pitched giggle. “Any increase in self-confidence will probably make a b-boy self-combust.”

  Jacob bared his white teeth. “What did you just say?”

  Realizing my mistake, I shook my head profusely. “I was just saying something Anna told me once when I first started to…”

  What was I going to say that would fully encompass the magnitude of how much I used to care about him?

  “Used to what?” he whispered.

  I threw my head back and forced out a laugh. “I’m pretty sure you knew how much I liked you, Jacob. I wasn’t really too discreet about it.”

  Jacob remained in his seat by the door and folded his knees up to his chin. His gaze dropped as he fingered a snag in the commercial issued carpeting. “Why didn’t you say something? I mean, I guess a part of me knew—hoped—you did, but then you ended up with David.”

  My eyes widened. “Are you shitting me? You ditched me on the dance floor at the club and then went on to ignore me all night. Why else do you think Anna and I ditched you guys as soon as we could?” I snapped.

  He shut his eyes and nodded his head slowly. “You were supposed to stay away—I was supposed to stay away from you…from anybody.”

  “Okay, you mentioned that before and you never went about telling me exactly what it meant. Why was I supposed to stay away?”

  “E, things don’t come as easy to me as they do to other people. I have to work hard to get the things I want.”

  I tried my best to ignore the part where he called me “E” again and growled, “And you don’t think I don’t work hard? How else do you think I got here?”

  “By stepping on people’s toes and making enemies?”

  My jaw dropped. “That’s…that’s not fair.”

  “Oh, it’s not? Because last time I checked it’s exactly what you did, E.”

  E. Again, there it was.

  I could have spent all night trying to decipher the reasons he bounced back from E to Estelle, but instead I said something I never thought I would. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry?” he repeated in surprise.

  I nodded. “I work hard, Jacob, and though I admit the Broadway article was a bit distasteful at points, I really did try my hardest to help an old friend out with this one.”

  He glanced back toward the window behind my head and frowned.

  “Why…why do you keep looking out the window?” I snapped my head around and stared into dark night sky. The skyscape was barely visible now, but the lights scattered around the city made everything look like a gigantic Christmas tree.

  “I want to remember what New York looks like, given that I’ll probably never get to travel again.”

  A weight as heavy as lead crashed into my stomach. “Why wouldn’t you be able to travel again?”

  “I got into Cal U on scholarship, Estelle. It’s the only reason why I was able to go, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to afford it.”

  “I was on scholarship too,” I began to argue.

  “But you’re smart, right? The bookish type. I’d always see you around campus reading.”

  I frowned. “You had?” I shook my head. “What does that matter, anyway? You’re smart too.”

  He ignored my question and pressed on. “I have to work harder than anybody to get where I want to go.”

  “But even David said he had no idea when you studied,” I blurted out without realizing it.

  Jacob’s eyes narrowed. “I do better in solitude. I’d study in my car.”

  My mouth curled into an ‘O’ shape.

  “Breaking is my passion. It’s something I don’t have to work hard to do. That being said, it’s also something I have to concentrate on in order to get places. Without breaking I’d never have seen anywhere past California’s borders.” He shut his eyes and swallowed. “I’d never be sitting in this room right here and now…”

  “I ruined it for you,” I breathed.

  He nodded silently.

  “Jacob, I know I’ve apologized already and I know I keep repeating myself, but I really thought I was helping you out.” I looked down at my hands and clenched my fists. “I remember the day of my first photography lesson. I was a bit bummed out because not only did I think I sucked completely, but because I had missed one of the b-boying competitions on campus.”

  He immediately perked up. “You were?”

  I nodded. “Then lo and behold, Mr. Spinja came running after me, asking where I was.”

  He snorted and rested his lips into a soft smile. “I remember that day.”

  “Yeah…but do you remember how Joe was trying to force you into an award that you didn’t feel you deserved? You really laid it on him and insisted you wouldn’t be taking it…why?”

  “Because I didn’t feel it was right,” he mumbled so low I almost couldn’t hear.

  “Why was that?” I repeated in a louder tone that made me feel like a drill sergeant.

  “Because I didn’t deserve it. My friend did, and I would be damned before I screwed a friend over.” Judging by the look on his face, he knew that he had fucked up—that we both had. “But you see, this time around I was still trying to help my friends. If I didn’t agree with Kurt, he would have dropped us all, and then where would we be?”

  “Back to working at it the honest way.” I gazed at him in pity. He didn’t deserve any of this shit. He wasn’t made for the cutthroat world of show business…then again, I wasn’t either. “Jacob, be honest…did part of you want to take the deal because you knew it would catapult you to the top?”

  He swallowed and glanced away before answering. “Yeah…the part of me that would do anything to hit it big.” He paused and glanced up at my various awards posted around my office. “I’m guessing it’s the same reason you earned all this recognition, right?”

  “Yeah…in a way.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Well…” I sighed. “Everything was basically an act. My ‘can do’ attitude was always so people wouldn’t see what I really was—a fraud, a phony. I’m not brave and I’m not some mean girl. Unfortunately, it’s the only way people take me seriously. If they fear me, they take me seriously.” I bowed my head. “I always was such a pushover…I think it’s partly the reason why I was halfway miserable throughout adolescence. I never had the guts to do something because I always feared what people would do and how they’d react. If I was the one who caused the fear then…but I’m really not like this…deep inside, I’m still me. This is just a mask—a façade.”

  Jacob bit his lip, and after considering for a moment, stood up and walked toward me. He perched himself on the edge of the windowsill and followed my gaze out the window.

  “Guess we both have our own set of issues, don’t we?”

  “I guess so,” I mused, keeping my mouth puckered.

  “I guess that makes us both normal then,” he commented.

  I tilted my head to the side and gazed at him curiously. “What do you mean?”

  “You thought you had to a be a certain person to achieve your dreams and I did too.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess if anything it just shows how goal-oriented we both are.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Too bad this isn’t really my dream.”

  He lifted an eyebrow. “It’s not?”

  “Nope.” I shook my head. “I just sort of fell into it because I needed a job out of college. To be honest, I don’t really know what my dream is.” I paused and bit my lip in thought. “You know how you said you always worked hard to get to where you wanted to be?”

  He nodded.

  “Well, I always worked hard to figure out where I wanted to be…what I wanted to be…who I wanted to be. I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere…that I didn’t have my niche.”

  Jacob’s gaze flew over to where I haphazardly laid my purse. My camera’s lenses peeked out from the top. “Nah, I think you already found your niche, but you’re just to
o oblivious to realize it.”

  I followed his gaze and frowned. “Pictures?” I shook my head in a hurry. “Nah, it isn’t even a hobby.”

  Jacob smiled and crossed his arms over his defined pecs, which were fairly visible through his form-fitting long sleeved shirt. It took everything in my power not to overtly gawk at its silhouette. “Admit it. You never stopped thinking about it, have you?”

  “Of what?” I whispered absently.

  “Taking photos. For somebody who acted as if she hated to do it, you took to it pretty easily.”

  I laughed. “To be honest, I never really stopped dabbling in it when I left California. When my writing took off I had no choice and really no time to do it. Until you guys came along, that is.”

  “Until we came along,” he echoed, turning once again to stare out the window. The melancholy on his face twisted my heart so much that I could almost feel the guilt dripping out of it.

  I reached out to touch his arm, but pulled back for some unknown reason. “You can still see the world. You can still b-boy. You don’t need Kurt for that—you never needed anyone. You’re talented enough to do it all on your own…”

  A foot in the mouth if I ever had one.

  He smirked, but didn’t comment. “You never answered my question. Why did you run away when you saw Gemma?”

  “You’re never going to let this go, will you?”

  “No,” he answered simply.

  I licked my lips and snorted. “I just broke David’s heart and you expected me to break Gemma’s heart? Not only would I have been known as a tease around campus—”

  “Uh, to be a tease you usually don’t sleep with a guy.”

  I zipped my lips and threw him an irritated glare.

  He smiled sheepishly, once again showcasing the deep dimple in his right cheek. “Cheap shot. I know.”

  I rolled my eyes and continued. “I already let myself down and there I went again, only this time I was kissing someone who wasn’t available—”

  He looked taken aback. “What do you mean unavailable?”

  “—in front of his girlfriend no less!”

  This time Jacob’s face contorted into one of confusion and almost immediately switched to understanding. “I guess Gemma did have a way to make it look as if we were together.”

  I only half heard him. “Yeah, and that’s why—wait, what do you mean she made it appear so?” I demanded, quickly switching gears.

  He rubbed his neck awkwardly. “She…um.” He paused and cleared his throat. “Gemma’s always had a bit of a crush on me. She really wasn’t coy about it.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “No, she wasn’t.”

  “Though she never really took her crush a step further since she knew how much of myself I invested into breaking and knew I really didn’t have time for her other than training her.”

  “So she wanted training to get close to you?” I gaped.

  He shook his head slightly. “No, we actually met because she was into breaking, however I think her feelings grew because of the amount of time we spent together.”

  “Oh.”

  He licked his lips slowly. “She never really did anything crazy or anything. I guess she was happy with our arrangement—I had a protégé and she had a pseudo relationship in her mind.”

  “Did you see her like how she saw you?” I asked quietly.

  “No,” he answered with a shake of his head. “Honestly, I didn’t see anybody like that. Like I said, I was too into my dancing to care about anybody else.”

  Well, I guess that answered my next question.

  I was starting to feel a bit crestfallen when he suddenly added, “Until you came along.”

  Okay, I was definitely hearing things. “Come again?”

  He pressed his lips together and smiled. “Wasn’t it obvious? The way I doted on you? The way I looked at you?”

  “The way you looked at me?” I stared at him blankly.

  He quickly lost his smile. “I guess not. Maybe I was more out of practice than I thought.”

  I looked down at my feet and frowned. “That…that’s a load of information, but still doesn’t make what we did right.”

  “And what did we do, exactly?”

  I could tell by his tone he was teasing, but I wasn’t having any of that. “Jacob, we cheated.”

  “Didn’t you hear what I just said? We weren’t dating. Gemma and I were nothing but friends.”

  It was as if the glass house I spent my nights in shattered to the ground.

  “But…but you hung out with her all night at Club Mal.” My eyes darkened. “David said she spent the nights in your room. He even said he had to stay at a friend’s house because you two would be…well, you know, until the morning.”

  Jacob’s shoulders stiffened. “He said that?”

  I nodded. “Are you saying he was lying?”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” Well, hello my old friend, Disappointment. Great to see you again!

  “She did spend the night, but we were watching old breaking videos and coming up with new moves and routines. It’s more time consuming than you’d think.”

  “No, I think I know…”

  “No, you don’t. Gemma wanted us to hook up and even tried, but I wouldn’t. In fact, one time I even told her no—flat out no.”

  “Then why…?” my voice trailed off. I cleared my throat and forced myself to ask, “Club Mal?”

  “I was growing too close to you, Estelle. I was falling for you. Here you came, an innocent Virginia girl who walked in ready to throw my life for a loop. I already spent all my time breaking and studying, where would I have the time for you? I’d only end up pushing you away.”

  “Have you ever pushed anyone away?”

  “I’ve seen it happen,” he told me. “And I didn’t want that to happen to us. I couldn’t stand knowing those sweet eyes could look at me in pure hatred. I’ve seen you…I’ve watched you. Have you ever looked around at a battle?”

  “Uh, yeah?” The sarcasm was heavily evident in my tone. “I took photos, remember?”

  “No, I’m not talking about that.” He sighed and leaned forward, placing his finger on my eyebrow, tracing it from one edge to another. “For the most part we’re all friends, but have you ever seen how riled up people could become? One moment you’re fine and the next you have a beef with someone you were high fiving just seconds ago. You never were like that. You were a breath of fresh air and despite all the critiques I gave you, these eyes never looked at me angrily and somehow, I felt as if you never could.” He bowed his head and laughed. “God, I must sound so stupid.”

  My eye twitched as soon as he lifted his finger. “Um, no. Not stupid at all.”

  He nodded his head grimly. “That night at the club, I realized how close I was to doing something we may both regret. When I walked to the bar, Gemma was there to remind me about all the events I had signed up for the next year. Though I’m pretty sure her intentions weren’t all that innocent, she did make a good point. I couldn’t get distracted.”

  “So that’s why she spent all night at your dorm? That wasn’t a distraction?” I shot back.

  “It was…from you.”

  My eyes, widened. “Wait, what?”

  “If she wasn’t there all night then I would have probably walked straight to your dorm and done what I should have that night in the club.” His eyes grew more intense with each word he said. His energy was buzzing and I felt his heat radiating against my own skin. “When I found out you were dating my roommate, of all people, I was beyond pissed.”

  “But I didn’t do anything! I gave you what you wanted—room!” I argued.

  “I was mad at myself, Estelle. I was kicking myself for allowing you to get away and I promised myself that if a chance with you presented itself to me again then I was going to take it. Then there you were walking down my hallway crying. As bad as it sounds, I was hoping you and David had broken up and you did…I couldn’t wait and so…”
He motioned between us. “I didn’t regret it, but then you left. You know what? I still don’t regret it.”

  I swallowed, my mouth suddenly feeling dry. “I thought Gemma and you were…I didn’t want to be that girl. I was never that girl. I never had a boyfriend until David and never…”

  I couldn’t bring myself to finish that sentence, but judging by Jacob’s expression he knew exactly what I had never done before David. Luckily, he decided not to mention it.

  “Then you ran away and not only from my dorm, mind you, you ran away from the whole university!”

  “I told you that my dad was—”

  “I know,” he interrupted, clearly not wanting to make me relive that memory. For that I was most grateful. “At the time I didn’t.”

  “You could have called me,” I reminded him.

  “Phone works both ways and after you left me there I figured I was probably just a rebound. I couldn’t allow the first girl I fell for to use me as a rebound. I wanted…”

  “Wanted what?”

  “All of you.” The intensity in his eyes deepened. Once again I felt like it was just the two of us in the room.

  This time we were.

  Chapter 45

  Outside the window, the sky began to brighten, casting hues of orange and gold onto the wall across from us. My cheeks felt flushed and though I could no longer look at Jacob, I could feel his gaze on me, traveling up and down my body.

  “Estelle…”

  He called me Estelle again. His yo-yo name calling was getting to me until I figured out that he called me Estelle when he was speaking from the heart.

  “I don’t get you, Jacob,” I said with a soft laugh. “One moment you hate me for ruining your career and the next you’re practically telling me…”

  “Estelle, look at me.”

  “No.”

  “Estelle.”

  Reluctantly, I turned. The moment my eyes landed him on him I knew I couldn’t look away. It was as if they were literally glued onto his. It was partly the reason why I didn’t want to catch his eyes in the first place. I knew I’d never let go.

  “I ruined everything. I messed everything up for you and now your friends hate you too.”