Home is Where You Are

by Marie, Tessa

  I even went to the movies with Katie last night. It was a nice change of pace. She’s cut back on dating, for now, and has been hanging around my place.

  Mom has stuck to her word. She’s there when I wake up in the morning and there when I go to sleep at night. It’s nice. I thought having her around would drive me crazy since I’m so used to being on my own, but I’m beginning to realize how sick of being alone I actually was.

  Still, I can’t stop thinking about Dean.

  Mom left this morning. There’s an antique show a few towns over, and I understand she can’t stop working. She actually invited me to go, and while tempting, I declined.

  It’s time I stop avoiding Dean. If it’s over between us, that’s fine. I guess. But mostly, if it is, I just want closure. I can’t let it end the way it did.

  I’ll start at The Bagel Hole. That’s my best bet.

  I’m about to walk out the door when my house phone rings. I run back in and look at the caller ID. Seth. He never calls the house phone, doesn’t want to risk getting Mom.

  I pick up the phone, my heart racing, and I blurt out, “What’s the matter?”

  “Well hello to you too, BS.”

  “You know you called the house phone right?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “You never call the house phone! What’s the matter? What’s wrong? Are you in trouble?”

  “Nothing, nothing, and no. Has anyone told you, you need to calm down? Stress causes premature wrinkles, you know.”

  “You’re not funny,” I say.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Think what you want. So really, what’s going on?”

  “I… um… I was thinking.”

  “Don’t hurt yourself.”

  “Shut up. I was thinking about what you said. Thanksgiving’s coming.”

  I drop my bag to the floor and sit down on the closest thing to me, the coffee table.

  “Yeah.”

  “And I think you were right. I think it’s time I come home.”

  Tears fill my eyes, seriously when did I start crying so much?

  “Really?” It comes out softer than I hoped.

  “Really.”

  “Why now?” I’ve been asking him to come home since the day he left, and it was always a waste of time. What changed?

  “I don’t know, it just seems like it’s time. After you told me about your talk with Mom I couldn’t believe she actually mentioned Dad. She hasn’t mentioned him since the day he died.”

  “I know.”

  “Maybe I can even help you with your college applications.”

  “They’re done.”

  “I should’ve known. So where’d you apply?”

  “Every Ivy League school across the country.”

  “Isn’t there one in particular you want to go to? Like your dream school?”

  “No.”

  “Anna…” He pauses. “You have to stop living for dad and start living for yourself.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You don’t even know what college you want to go to. All you care about is that it’s Ivy League because once upon a time Dad said you were smart enough to go to one. It has always been what he wanted for you, but Anna, it was a comment. It meant nothing.”

  “Shut up, Seth. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “No, Anna, I do. We can’t keep doing this. He’s dead, and it sucks, but we have to start living for us and not for him. Look, I’m sorry, but since Dad died you’ve been obsessed. You’ve already missed out on so much. College should be your time to finally discover who you are. Maybe you should look past the status of these schools and look into what they offer and what it is you want.” His words remind me of Dean. He said something along those lines. But I don’t know what I want. I don’t think I ever have. All I know is right now I want to talk to Dean and after I do that I can start worrying about my future.

  “Are you there? You’re not crying are you? I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  “Seth, I have to go.”

  “What do you mean you got to go? We need to finish this conversation.”

  “We will when you come home for Thanksgiving and help me look into the college that’s right for me, but right now I need to go after what I want.” I hang up and run out the door. I might not know what my future holds, but I do know I want Dean to be there.

  The Bagel Hole is my first stop. I walk in and spot Marv, but no Dean. I thought he’d be healed by now. I thought he’d be back to work. What if he took off? He told me he couldn’t guarantee to be in one place for too long. It’s been colder than usual. What if he left Marv’s and couldn’t get into the Y and then moved on to the next town?

  I feel like I’m going to be sick. The room is spinning and I can’t focus. “Anna!” My vision clears and Marv’s standing with his hand resting on my shoulder.

  “Please tell me he didn’t take off.”

  “I don’t know. Last night we invited him to stay with us. For as long as he wanted to. He got dealt a damn shitty hand, but he’s a good kid.”

  “So what happened?”

  “He told me he’d think about it and this morning I went in his room and he was gone.”

  “He was gone? No note? No nothing?”

  “Nothing. He was acting a little strange yesterday, but when I asked him what was going on he didn’t say anything.”

  “I have to find him. I need to talk to him. If you hear anything please call me.” I rip out a piece of paper from my planner and write my number down.

  “I will, and if you find him, tell him I’m going to kick his ass.”

  “You can count on it,” I say, as I run out of the store and back to my car. The only problem is I have no idea where to go. He could be anywhere. He could be gone.

  No. I have to stay positive. I’ll just go to all the places I know he goes and hope for the best.

  I stand in front of the white Victorian and look at the address one more time. This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for. The reason I did everything in my power to survive.

  Nerves take over and my heart pounds erratically against my chest. I take a deep breath and walk up the front steps. I’ve wasted enough time.

  Before I can even knock, the door flies open. My muscles freeze. Tears prick my eyes and my lip quivers. Every blow to my face. Every cold night. Every single time I wanted to die, but forced myself to hang on another day. I look across the gap into my sister’s familiar eyes, and there’s no question about it. I would do it all over again.

  “Dean?” Josie says, and the tears fall freely. “Is that really you?”

  Too overwhelmed to form a response, I nod. She jumps into my arms, and I hug her as tight as I can, trying to make up for the time lost.

  I need to see her though. I need to see that she’s really okay. That she’s really here and I’m not imagining this.

  I pull back and look her over. A lump lodges in my throat at the uncanny resemblance. She looks just like our mother.

  “I’m so sorry,” I finally say. “So sorry.” I choke on my words and pull her back against me, wishing so badly I had done so that day the social workers took her away.

  This time she draws back. “What are you sorry for?”

  I swipe at the damn tears rolling down my chin. “For letting you go.”

  She smiles and my heart swells at how happy she appears. “I’ve missed you so much,” she says. “There wasn’t a single day I didn’t wonder where you were and if I’d ever see you again. But I’ve had a good life. My mom…” Josie points over her shoulder and it’s the first time I notice a woman standing in the doorway. She wipes at her own tears and offers a small wave. “She’s amazing. So is my dad. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  So many nights I couldn’t sleep, terrified she was dealing with even a quarter of what I was. Knowing she never experienced any of it almost brings me to my knees. Too many emotions, I can’t sort, or handle, washes over m
e, and I fling my arms around Josie and sob.

  A minute passes. Two. Three. Until time is nonexistent. A comforting hand rubs my shoulder, and I glance up at Josie’s mom. Her light eyes are inviting and warm and without knowing anything else about her, I know in my gut, she’s the next best thing to our mom.

  I do my best to gain my composure. “Thank you,” I say. “For keeping her safe. For taking care of her. For not letting her wind up on the streets.”

  She doesn’t say anything just takes me into her embrace. I almost forgot how comforting a hug from a mother could be.

  “Josie is a blessing to our family. We, my husband and I, love her as if she were our own. And we are so happy she has finally found you.”

  “Me too. It’s all I ever wanted.”

  “Dean, come see my room,” Josie says, and grabs my hand, pulling me to the house. Just like when we were kids, I let her call the shots and I follow.

  ***

  I say goodbye to Josie with the promise I’ll be back next Saturday.

  “I’d love to meet Anna,” she says.

  “Fingers crossed then,” I say, hug her one more time and take off to the bus stop.

  The leaves crunch beneath my feet, and I pull my hood up. My step feels a little lighter, my heart a little bigger.

  There is only one thing left to do. I need to find Anna and tell her everything. Then beg and plead for her to forgive me.

  On the bus I watch as the streets pass me by. As much as I’m a fan of walking it’s nice to sit down every now again and watch the world pass by in a different way.

  The bus comes to a stop in front of The Bagel Hole, and I realize I never left a note for Marv or his family before taking off this morning. I jump up from my seat and get off the bus.

  Inside The Bagel Hole, Marv stands behind the counter. As soon as he spots me his face lights up, though, it’s only for a brief second. Next thing I know he’s standing in front of me, hands on hips and the look of death smeared across his face.

  “Boy, where the hell have you been? Have me worrying sick about you. You damn kids have no respect for us old people. You trying to give me a heart attack? Have a nervous breakdown?”

  “Are you done?”

  “Am I done? Am I done? Are you really asking me that? No, I am not done.”

  “I should’ve left a note. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re damn right you should have left a note.”

  “I got it. Next time I’ll leave a note.”

  The anger on his face clears as he stares at me, a slight smirk tugging at the side of his mouth. “Next time?”

  “I want to take you up on your offer. If the offer still stands, that is.”

  “Of course it does. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

  Days ago my life seemed like it was on the brink of total failure, and no matter what I did I wouldn’t make it out on top. Now the possibilities seem endless.

  In a moment of gratefulness, I throw my arms around Marv. Yes, Marv is my friend, but in reality he’s so much more than that, he’s become the father figure I lost so many years ago. I have a house to live in, a bed to sleep in, a job and a family and it’s all because of this man. I will be forever grateful to have him and his family in my life.

  I pull away from Marv and act as if that never happened. As grateful as I am, neither Marv or I are the hugging type.

  “Okay, well you best get out of here before you scare my customers away. That face should not be out in public.”

  I forgot about the bruises. Before I went to see Josie I explained to her what happened so she wouldn’t be scared when she saw me. She never reacted to my face. It was as if she saw past the bruising and only saw me.

  “I’ll see you at home then,” I say to Marv. The word home flowing off my tongue easier than I ever imagined it would.

  “You going straight there? ‘Cause you know if you’re living under my roof you need to tell me where you’re going.”

  “I was actually going to apologize to Anna.”

  “Smart boy. She’s a good girl. Even after the way you treated her she was here looking for you.”

  “When?” I snap.

  “Whoa! Before you go and jump out of your skin. She was here earlier today. She was worried about you. I told her you took off because you didn’t leave a note.” His hands are back on his hips, his head moving from side to side with his words.

  “Okay, okay I already said next time I’ll leave a note. Did she say where she was going?”

  “To look for your dumbass. She was going to try all your usual haunts. I’m sure she checked the most obvious spots already so don’t start there first.”

  “Thanks I’ll see you later.”

  “Not too late. We haven’t talked curfew yet, but know it’s coming.”

  “You got it.” A curfew. I laugh to myself as I run out. I’ve never had a curfew, and I actually love the fact I will because that means someone cares enough about me to enforce it.

  Once on the street I look back and forth across the parking lot, trying to figure out where to start. If I was smart I’d call her, but I need to do this face to face.

  The first place she would have gone is the library. I’m positive. Next, possibly the soup kitchen or the Laundromat. Where could she be? Maybe the Y?

  My feet hit the pavement as the thought is still passing through my mind. The world is a blur as I run faster. I ignore the sharp swipes of cold stabbing at my face. It’s not like I have to worry about freezing to death anymore. I have a warm place where I can sit and watch the weather from a window. God I never thought that was possible.

  I can embrace my new life later. Right now I need to find Anna. Then we can embrace it together. I can finally be the guy she deserves. Dates consisting of raking leaves and doing laundry are now a thing of the past. I can buy her flowers or whatever it is you buy a girl to show her how much she means to you.

  The Y comes into view, and I pick up the pace. In the parking lot I scan the space surrounding the Y. No Anna. Though, I see Maggie stepping out of a blue Prius.

  “Maggie,” I say as I approach her. I make sure not to make her feel trapped between me and her car.

  “Dean, what happened to your face?” She closes the gap I left and cups her hand on the bottom of my jaw as she exams the bruises. I keep forgetting about them. If she was scared of me, you would never know.

  “I got jumped. Again.”

  “When? Have you had anyone look at it? You can skip the lotto tonight. We’ll have Bev look at it.” I smile. She really is too sweet for her own good.

  “Thanks, and as much as I appreciate it, it’s not necessary.”

  “You need to see a nurse or something.”

  “I’m fine I already had a doctor look at it.” Her eyes narrow as if she doesn’t believe me.

  “I did. I’m actually not going to need your services anymore.” Her narrowed gaze lightens, but doesn’t make her look any less curious.

  “I have a place to live now. I’m going to get my GED and apply to college.” For a moment she looks shocked, but that shock fades and is replaced with a happy smile.

  “That’s fantastic. These are the stories I want to hear. Not…” She goes quiet but I know she’s referring to Wanda. For a person like Maggie, what happened to Wanda is her worst nightmare.

  “I just wanted to say thank you for everything.”

  “I was just doing my job.”

  “No, Maggie. You always went above and beyond and I appreciate that and I just wanted you to know. So thank you.”

  A smile settles on her face. There’s a glow in her eye and a hint of a tear. “You’re welcome. Good luck. I’ve always believed you were made for bigger and better things. Don’t disappoint me.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  “And I’ll hold you to that. I never want to see you here again unless you’re volunteering. Now go. I have to set up for tonight.” It’s her way of trying not to get emotionally involv
ed, but with Maggie, it never works. But to make it easier, I offer up a smile and walk away.

  Back to Anna. I thought for sure I’d find her waiting at the Y. It’s the only thing that makes sense. It would be… Oh no. What if she went to the trestle?

  She wouldn’t. It’s too dangerous.

  But right now the last thing I need to do is underestimate Anna.

  First, the library. I go to the front desk and ask Beth if she’s seen him. “Not since last week when he was here with you,” she says.

  “Thanks,” I say and force a smile.

  Great. Okay, moving on. Next I go to the pizza place, then the Laundromat. Still no sign of him. I call Marv to see if he’s heard from him yet. He hasn’t.

  I swing by the Y and drive around the parking lot, but I come up empty-handed. Maybe he’s out trying to make back the money he lost. It’s possible. He’s too proud for his own good, and I can’t imagine bruised ribs stopping him. So I head to the neighborhood where we spent an afternoon raking leaves.

  The more time passes the more I feel Dean slipping out of my life. I don’t know where he is. I don’t know where to find him, and I’m not ready to let him go.

  As I’m driving over the train tracks, the setting sun filters through the trees, casting a golden glow down the tracks onto the trestle. Dean’s spot. He told me it’s the only place he feels safe. The place he goes to when he can’t get into the Y. I throw my car in park and jump out.

  I start to run. The rocks beneath my feet spitting out in all directions, making it hard to keep myself balanced. From the street it seemed much closer than it actually is. As I get closer the walking space narrows. To one side I have the tracks and to the other a cliff. I have to stop running and walk one foot in front of the other.

  I was never good at the balance beam. I hate walking on curbs. Just keep thinking of Dean. Once I get down there and find him, this will all be worth it. Slow steady steps. One foot in front of the other.

  I can see the trees he told me about and hear the water running along their sides. I’m almost there, but not close enough when I hear the train coming.