Dreaming August

by Terri-Lynne Defino

  He showered, shaved, and even did more than towel-dry his hair. The curls he kept close-cropped were still thick and mostly blonde, though a darker shade than they used to be. His father had been bald on top by the time he was Dan’s age, a fate he’d secretly feared most of his life. Dan was well aware he hadn’t been the looker in their group of four as teens. Tim was the one all the girls went crazy for. Then Henny, and even ghostboy Charlie was ahead of gawky, goofball him. At forty, Dan considered himself not bad for an old guy, even if the still-blonder-than-blonde eyebrows over pale, green eyes made him look a little spooky. At least he was still in good shape. Last time he saw Tim, Dan schadenfreudely noticed a bit of a paunch.

  “Daniel?”

  “Hang on, Ev. I’m getting dressed.”

  His sister entered as he was pulling up his jeans. Dan turned his back quickly. “Jeez, Evelyn. I told you I was getting dressed.”

  “What’s the matter? You grow something since the last time I seen you?”

  Their mother’s favorite one-liner. After all those years, he could still hear her mock-Italian accent when she said it.

  “Matter of fact,” he said. “Yeah. I have.”

  Evelyn smiled but she did not laugh. Dan held open his arms and she nestled into them.

  “I don’t want to think about it,” she said into his chest. “About them.”

  “Then come to the picnic tomorrow.”

  “That only makes it worse. Paul’s right, Dan. I have to get out of this town.”

  The mention of her ex-husband’s name made him grimace. He put his sister at arm’s length. “Is that who you were on the phone with?”

  “He’s coming to see the kids. And…and…” She stood up taller. “And me.”

  “You? Why you?”

  Evelyn shrugged under his grasp.

  “Evelyn. Why you?”

  “Please don’t start with me, Daniel.”

  “Start with you?” Dan let her go so he wouldn’t shake her. “Are you forgetting what he did? How he abandoned you and the kids to go find himself with his twenty-four year old girlfriend?”

  “He made a mistake. He said he’s—”

  “Sorry? He said he’s sorry and that’s it? Done? Forgiven and forgotten?”

  “I didn’t say I was taking him back,” Evelyn said wearily. “Or that I will ever forget what he did. I just said he’s coming to see me and the kids. And you don’t know everything, Daniel.”

  “I know you got sick. I know he cheated. I know he took off for Colorado and barely sees his kids or provides for them.”

  “Those are all true. I don’t deny it.” Evelyn moved to the couch, patted the cushion beside her. “Come sit with me, okay?”

  Dan’s whole body fought obeying. For a split moment, he was twelve again, and his dad was calling him into the study. The hair on the back of his neck rose, but he went to his sister and sat beside her.

  “I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear,” she said.

  “Then why are you telling me?”

  “Because you need to understand. Dan, listen. You never liked Paul much. He reminded you of dad, and—”

  “He did not.” But he did. Heat rose to Dan’s face.

  Evelyn took his hand in hers. “I didn’t have the same relationship with dad you did. I’m not saying he was kind, or that he didn’t smack you and mom around. I’m just saying I have a few more good memories than you do.”

  “Like?”

  “Like he never missed a daddy-daughter dance with my Girl Scout troop?”

  Dan shook his head.

  “Paul reminds you of dad for a reason. He is like dad, in a lot of ways. But not all ways. He can be a jerk. I know it, and you know it. But he can also be really great.” Her shoulders rose. And fell. “Dad had his issues. What they were, I couldn’t say for sure. But Paul? He had it rough. As rough as you. And that’s another reason why I fell for him in the first place. He reminded me of you.”

  “Damn, Ev. That’s pretty gross.”

  “Don’t joke. Not now.”

  Dan tried not to smile. He tried so hard. But it was all he knew how to do.

  “He made more of an effort to save our marriage than I did,” she continued. “I didn’t want to do anything. I never wanted to go anywhere. We never had sex or even talked. I claimed I quit my job to stay home with the kids, but it wasn’t true. Not really. I quit my job so when the kids went to school I could go back to bed.”

  “You were sick.”

  “I was. The Lyme disease masked the depression very well. I didn’t realize it until I finally got the Lyme under control, and still never wanted to get out of bed.”

  Dan grimaced. “I thought the Lyme got so bad you couldn’t—”

  “It’s what I wanted you to believe.” Evelyn shifted to the edge of the couch, facing him. “That’s what I wanted everyone to believe. It let me be poor Evelyn, whose husband left her because she was sick and he didn’t want to take care of her. Poor Evelyn, whose brother had to move in to help her make ends meet. Poor Evelyn, who couldn’t keep a steady job because she was always battling a disease people can understand and feel sympathy for. People don’t understand depression, Dan. They don’t get how debilitating it is, and it’s not a matter of cheering up or, being tougher. Remember what Dad used to call Mom?”

  A shiver raced up Dan’s spine. His father’s voice slithered out of the past. Lazy bitch.

  Dan couldn’t say the words. He didn’t have to.

  “It guts me to remember that I believed it myself sometimes,” Evelyn said softly, “when she wouldn’t get off the couch for days at a time. Remember?”

  Dan remembered the bruises, too, and bringing ice wrapped in washrags for her eyes. He nodded.

  “I was a stupid kid, and I was afraid. I sided with Dad because it was safer to be his ally than his enemy. I…I left it for you, Dan, and I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t,” he said.

  Evelyn grasped his hand. “But I am. So, so sorry things were the way they were, for not doing anything to stop it. There’s way more to it, of course. That’s why I’ve been working all this crap out since Paul left. And…” She bit her lip. “That’s why I didn’t go to the doctor when you made me call.”

  “You didn’t?”

  She shook her head. “But I did go to my psychiatrist and got my meds tweaked a bit.”

  “You have a psychiatrist?”

  “I do. She saved my life, Dan. I was close to packing it in, after Paul left.”

  “No kidding. Why do you think I moved in here instead of just helping you pay bills?”

  Tears welled in his sister’s eyes. Her soft laughter trembled. “Why do we do this? Why do we always hide stuff from one another?”

  “I don’t think it’d take a genius to figure it out.”

  “True.” She sighed. “Look, Paul is no saint, but our problems started with me. He made bad choices. He acknowledges it. I’m not saying he’s going to come back here and all will be well, but I am keeping an open mind. I hope you can, too.”

  Dan folded his hands in his lap, concentrated on his thumbs as if they might wander off if he didn’t. “What about his girlfriend?”

  “Bonnie?” Evelyn waved her away. “She split on him as soon as they got out there. He was her way out of Connecticut, nothing more. Apparently, Colorado was her idea in the first place. Legal pot.”

  “Ouch. That had to have knocked his dick right out of his pants, eh?”

  Evelyn flopped back into the couch cushions, snickering. Her expression softened, turned sad. She looked so like their father and, sometimes, it made him wince. “I won’t pretend it didn’t give me a happy little giggle, at the time. He was humiliated, but he told me. He didn’t have to.”

  “I guess it’s something,” he murmured. “Do the kids know he’s coming to see them?”

  “Not yet. I’ll tell them when they come home. Joss will be ha
ppy, but Mabel’s been really pissy where he’s concerned.”

  “She’s at that age.” He shrugged. “Her dad didn’t just leave her, but left her having to be driven around in a crappy minivan instead of a Land Rover.”

  Evelyn pursed her lips. “We spoiled them both. Overcompensation? Probably. But Paul’s not making anywhere near what he did here. He opened a shop in Boulder.”

  “A shop? What kind of shop? Smoke shop? And, if so, could he hook me up with—”

  Evelyn swatted at him. “Sporting stuff, you goofball. He does skis and snowboards in the colder months, bikes and skateboards in the warm ones.”

  “Paul?” Dan shook his head. “Power-tie-wearing, executive-type Paul Tyler?”

  Evelyn swatted him again, but she smiled. “He’s done a lot of changing the last few years. But he seems happy.”

  “That’s good. I guess.”

  “It is. I’m glad for him. And I’m kind of nervous about seeing him, to be honest.”

  “The hell? Why?”

  “I just am. And I’m done talking about this now, okay? I just wanted you to be aware that he’s coming.”

  “He staying here?”

  “Not if you don’t want him to. This is your house now, not his.”

  “How about if you want him here, I do too, and if you don’t, I’ll toss him out on his hippie ass before he can tell me to chill?”

  She sat forward on the couch, elbows resting on her knees. “Sounds good. Thanks, Dan. And sorry for walking in on you and…Mr. Johnson.”

  “It’s all right. Mr. Johnson was tucked away by then.” Dan got to his feet. “I have a shift down on the Green tonight, keeping the peace. I’ll be back around twelve. Will you be okay here by yourself? No getting rid of everyone so you can check out, right?”

  “If I was going to off myself, I’d have done it by now,” Evelyn said without batting an eye. “I’ll be fine.”

  She held out her hands. Dan grabbed them and hoisted her to her feet.

  “Have a good night, Dan,” she said, walking backwards out of the room. “And say hi to Benny for me.”

  Dan shook his head, grinning like a madman. Whatever they hid from one another, Evelyn knew him better than anyone else in the world. Dan wished she didn’t, because, in light of all she’d told him, he had to accept that he didn’t know his sister at all.

  Chapter 15

  Kisses Cool of Drowsy Mist

  Cocoa still warm in the thermos, cookies in a waxed bag tucked in her backpack, tent set up and lambs bedded down for the night, Benny was ready. Maybe. She believed she was. And then Dan’s booming laughter came from somewhere outside the enclosure and her belly flipped right up to her throat. “You can do this,” she muttered. “Once it’s done, you’ll feel better.”

  Only she wouldn’t feel better, because it was just the beginning of a whole other set of problems way bigger than telling a man she slept with he was going to be a father.

  Footfalls in the grass. A silhouette on the side of the tent, and then the deep and familiar voice that made her heart flutter. “Benny? You in there?”

  “In by the lambs,” she called.

  Now those footfalls swooshed in the grass between the two-person tent she would sleep in to the bigger one for the sheep. A beam of light preceded him. Benny shielded her eyes.

  “Why you sitting here in the dark?”

  “It’s peaceful,” she said.

  He flashed his light on the lamb enclosure. “They sure are cute. Too bad they’re so delicious.”

  “I don’t eat baby animals.”

  “Do you eat eggs?”

  “Of course.”

  “Aren’t those just pre-babies?”

  “Pre-babies?” Benny shook her head. “Why are we discussing this?”

  Dan blew a breath through his lips and rubbed the back of his neck. “Because I am nervous as a bull-calf at a Rocky Mountain Oyster Festival. Can I start again?”

  “Sure.”

  Dan left the enclosure, stood silently outside of it a moment, then called, “Benny? You in there?”

  “In by the lambs,” she called, more softly than she did the first time, but he came in with his flashlight all the same.

  “Hey, Benny.”

  “Hey, Dan.”

  He flashed the light on the lambs. One bleated. Dan smiled. “They all settled in for the night?”

  “Not much to do but make sure no one gets swiped during the night. I have a couple of chairs outside, and a thermos of cocoa. The Johanna kind. What do you say?”

  “I say let me give you a hand up.”

  Benny took the hands he offered. Big and strong and calloused hands. Hers felt good, resting in his, and she only let one of them go when she was on her feet. Dan seemed surprised, but he didn’t let go either, rather, led her through the dark enclosure to the moonlit, star-splashed night outside.

  “It’s chilly out here.” She rubbed at her arms. “I can’t believe it’s July.”

  “Feels like September. Want my jacket?”

  “No, thanks. I have one. Wait here.”

  Benny ducked into her tent and grabbed her hoodie, pulling her arms into the sleeves as she backed out. Dan was chuckling.

  “What?”

  “You still have that ratty sweatshirt?”

  She flipped up the hood and brandished the Grim Reaper logo on back. “Until death do us part. It’s my favorite thing.”

  “I remember.”

  “What do you remember?”

  Dan gestured her into one of the folding chairs before taking the other. Benny poured him cocoa from the thermos, and handed him a cookie.

  “You thought you were hot shit in school,” he said, “wearing that jacket.”

  Benny swatted at him. “I was.”

  “As long as you think so.”

  “You don’t?”

  “Nope.” He took a huge bite of the cookie. “You were always Tim’s baby sister. Total dork. But you sure were cute, wearing your bad-ass hoodie like you were the coolest girl in school.”

  “Guess I wasn’t fooling anyone, huh?”

  “I give you an A for effort, though. All that black. And the makeup thing. What was it? From a movie, I think.”

  “The Crow.”

  “Right, right. Never saw it.”

  Benny grimaced, chagrined. “Neither did I.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “Nope. I was a kid trying to be unique.”

  “You didn’t need movie-makeup to be unique.” He leaned forward, elbows on knees. “Would it be shallow of me to say I like being able to see more of your pretty face?”

  “Why would it be shallow?”

  “Because it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

  “Well, yeah,” she said. “But everyone likes to hear she’s pretty to someone.”

  “It doesn’t make me shallow? Because I do think you’re pretty, Benny. Beautiful.”

  Benny’s heart stuttered. Leaning on his elbows, his expression open and his eyes hopeful, he was like a little boy looking for approval instead of a forty-year old man trying to win a woman over. Henny used to tell her she was beautiful. He would say it and Benny felt it down to her bones. But Henny was gone, and Dan was there, looking at her with those gentle eyes.

  Let him in, Benny. Let him in.

  For a moment, Benny thought the voice in her head was Augie. It felt exactly as his did, when he was deeper in the pool. But it wasn’t. She knew it wasn’t Henny’s either, and while she couldn’t swear it wasn’t Harriet’s, she was pretty sure it was her own.

  All right, she told that voice, I will. I’m sorry, Henny. I’m sor—

  She cut herself off there. Chasing off the ghost in her head wasn’t easy, but she leaned forward, as Dan was leaning forward.

  “Thank you.” Benny’s heart welled. Her stomach clenched. She ran her fingers along his jaw. “I think you’re kind of beautiful,
too.”

  “I’ve got spooky eyes,” he blurted.

  “I like spooky.”

  “But do you like me?” He flopped back in his chair, snickering. “How incredibly middle-school, huh? Do we ever outgrow it?”

  “We like to think so. But the answer is yes, Dan. I do like you.” She grinned. “I like you, like you.”

  She hoped to make him laugh. Dan blew out a deep breath instead. “I get it, Benny. Henny and all. I’m not as dumb as people think.”

  “I never thought you were dumb.”

  “A goof then.”

  “Well, you are that.”

  Dan sat forward again, this time taking her hands. “I kind of hoped the reason you pulled away was because you felt something for me you weren’t ready for.”

  “That has a lot to do with it.”

  “Are you ready now?”

  “I might be,” she said. “I’m trying to be.”

  “Do you want me to fight for you, Ben? Or do you want me to leave you the hell alone? Just tell me which it is. I might not listen, but at least I’ll know.”

  “I don’t want you to fight. And I don’t want you to leave me alone.” Just be. Harriet’s words, through Augie, whispered inside her head. “We’re both thinking too much, because we both loved Henny. Let’s just be, Dan. Whatever we are, however that turns out. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Inside the enclosure, a lamb bleated. Then another, and then all of them in chorus. Benny and Dan turned to the sound, rose to their feet. Dan shined his flashlight inside and Benny ducked under his arm for a closer look.

  “Nothing,” she said to Dan coming up behind her. “I swear, one of them gets bored and starts the rest of them going just so he has something to do.”

  “Not a bad plan.” He swiped the beam of light over the whole flock, stopping at the one with black spots on his face. “That’s the one, right there.”