Pigs Have Wings

by P. G. Wodehouse

  Sir Gregory struggled with his feelings for a moment.

  ‘Yes. Yes, I see what you mean. All right. I apologize.’

  Gally beamed.

  ‘There spoke the true Gregory Parsloe!’ he said. ‘You will, of course, immediately telephone to the cops that Beach is to be released without delay. It would be a graceful act if you sent your chauffeur down in your car to bring him home. I’d do it myself, only I have to take Clarence and the Empress back to Blandings. Now that she has had this rest cure at Sunnybrae, he will want her back in her old quarters.’

  CHAPTER 11

  HAVING DEPOSITED LORD Emsworth in his library and the Empress in her headquarters, Gally returned to his car and drove it into the garage of Blandings Castle. He almost collided with another which was coming out with Lord Vosper at its wheel.

  ‘Hullo,’ said Gally, surprised. ‘You off somewhere?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘A little late, isn’t it?’

  ‘It is a bit, I suppose.’

  Lord Vosper seemed to hesitate for a moment. Then he remembered that this was the man in whom he had confided. As such, he was entitled to hear the latest news.

  ‘As a matter of fact, Gloria and I are driving to London to get married.’

  ‘Well, I’ll be dashed. You are?’

  ‘That’s right. We both rather shrank from the thought of explaining things to Lady Constance, so we decided we’d just slide off and spring the news in our bread-and-butter letters.’

  ‘Very sensible. “Dear Lady Constance. How can we thank you enough for our delightful visit to your beautiful home? Such a treat meeting your brother Galahad. By the way, we’re married. Yours faithfully, The Vospers.” Something on those lines?’

  ‘That’s right. We shall drive through the silent night, hitting the metropolis about dawn, I imagine. A couple of hours sleep, a quick shower, the coffee, the oatmeal, the eggs and bacon, and then off to the registrar’s.’

  ‘It sounds a most attractive programme.’

  ‘So Penny was saying. She was wishing that she and Jerry Vail could do the same.’

  ‘They may be able to ere long. You’ve seen Penny, then?’

  ‘Just now.’

  ‘I’m looking for her.’

  ‘She’s looking for you. Between ourselves, she seems a bit disgruntled.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. What about?’

  ‘Ah, there you rather have me. Pigs entered into it, I remember, but if you ask me if I definitely got a toe-hold on the gist, I must answer frankly that I didn’t. But you appear to have been upsetting Jerry Vail in some way somehow connected with pigs, and, as I say, she’s looking for you. She struck me as being a shade below par, and she spoke with a good deal of animation of skinning you with a blunt knife.’

  Gally remained calm.

  ‘She won’t want to do that when she hears my news. Her only thought will be to dance about the premises, clapping her little hands. Where is she?’

  ‘In Beach’s pantry. At least, I left her there five minutes ago.’

  ‘Beach is back, then?’

  ‘I didn’t know he’d gone anywhere.’

  ‘Yes, I believe he went into Market Blandings about something.’

  ‘Oh? Well, he’s back, all right. I was looking for him, to tip him, and finally located him in his pantry. He was having a spot of port with Penny and Jerry Vail. Which struck me as odd, as I understood Jerry had got the push.’

  ‘He had. But he bobbed up again. Well, I’ll be running along and seeing them. Good luck to your matrimonial venture. I wish you every happiness.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You’ll enjoy being married. Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing. It was King Solomon who said that, and he knew, eh! I mean, nothing much you could tell him about wives, what?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Lord Vosper.

  2

  It seemed to Gally, who was quick to notice things, that there was a certain strain in the atmosphere of Beach’s pantry when he entered it a few minutes later. The port appeared to be circulating, as always when the hospitable butler presided over the revels, but he sensed an absence of the mellow jollity which port should produce. Beach had a dazed, stunned look, as if something hard and heavy had recently fallen on his head. So had Jerry. Penny’s look, which came shooting in his direction as he crossed the threshold, was of a different quality. It was like a death ray or something out of a flame-thrower, and he saw that in describing her as disgruntled Orlo Vosper had selected the mot juste.

  ‘Oh, there you are!’ she said, speaking from between pearly teeth.

  ‘And just in time for a drop of the right stuff, it seems,’ said Gally genially. ‘How pleasant a little something is at this hour of the day, is it not, and how much better a firkin of port than the barley-water which our good host takes into the drawing-room at nine-thirty each night on the tray of beverages. Thank you,’ he said, accepting his glass.

  Penny continued to glare.

  ‘I’m not speaking to you, Gally Threepwood,’ she said. ‘I suppose you know,’ she went on, with feminine inconsistency, ‘that you’ve reduced my poor darling Jerry and my poor precious Beach to nervous wrecks?’

  ‘They look all right to me,’ said Gally, having inspected her poor darling Jerry and her poor precious Beach.

  ‘Outwardly,’ said Jerry coldly. ‘Inside, I’m just a fluttering fawn.’

  ‘So is Beach,’ said Penny. ‘Say Boo.’

  ‘Boo!’

  ‘There! See him jump. Now drop a plate or something.’

  Beach quivered.

  ‘No, please, miss. My nerves could not endure it.’

  ‘Nor mine,’ said Jerry.

  ‘Come, come,’ said Gally. ‘This is not the spirit I like to see. You were made of sterner stuff when we three fought side by side at the battle of Agincourt. Well, I must say this surprises me. Who would have thought that a mere half hour in the jug would have affected you so deeply, Beach? Why, in my hot youth I frequently spent whole nights in the oubliettes of the old Vine Street police station, and came out rejoicing in my strength. And you, Jerry. Fancy you being so allergic to pigs.’

  ‘I should prefer not to have the word pig mentioned in my presence,’ said Jerry stiffly. He brooded for a moment. ‘I remember,’ he went on, ‘hearing my uncle Major Basham once speak of you. I cannot recall in what connexion your name came up, but he said: “If ever you find yourself getting entangled with Galahad Threepwood, my boy, there is only one thing to do – commend your soul to God and try to escape with your life.” How right he was, how terribly right!’

  ‘He knew!’ said Penny. ‘He, too, had suffered.’

  Gally seemed puzzled.

  ‘Now why would he have said a thing like that? Ah!’ He brightened. ‘He must have been thinking of the time when Puffy Benger and I put old Wivenhoe’s pig in his bedroom the night of the Bachelors’ Ball at Hammer’s Easton.’

  Jerry frowned.

  ‘I think I expressed a wish that that word –’

  ‘Quite, quite,’ said Gally. ‘Let us change the subject. I’ve just been talking to young Vosper,’ he said, doing so.

  ‘Oh?’ said Penny coldly.

  ‘Orlo Vosper,’ said Gally, ‘is not what I would call one of our brightest intellects, but he does occasionally get good ideas. His latest, as you know, is to drive up to London tonight with that dark-eyed serpent, Gloria Salt, and get married at a registrar’s, and he was saying that you were wishing you could do the same. Why don’t you? You could borrow the small car.’

  Jerry gave him a frigid look.

  ‘You are suggesting that Penny and I should go to London and get married?’

  ‘Why not?’

  Jerry laughed bitterly.

  ‘Let me supply you with a few statistics relating to my financial position,’ he said. ‘My income last year, after taxes, was –’

  ‘Yes, yes, I know. But Penny was telling me of this magnificen
t opening you’ve got with this health cure place. She stunned me with her story of its possibilities. It is not too much to say that I was electrified. You may argue that you cannot be both stunned and electrified, but I say you can, if the conditions are right. “Stap my vitals!” I said to myself. “I must keep in with this fellow Vail, endear myself to him in every possible way, so that in time to come I shall be in a position to get into his ribs for occasional loans. A young man with a future.”’

  Penny regarded him with distaste.

  ‘Go on. Twist the knife in the wound.’

  ‘I don’t follow you, my dear.’

  ‘You know perfectly well that Jerry has to raise two thousand pounds and hasn’t a hope of getting it.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Who’s going to give it to him?’

  Gally’s eyebrows rose.

  ‘Why, Clarence, of course.’

  ‘Lord Emsworth?’

  ‘Who else?’

  Penny stared.

  ‘You’re crazy, Gally. There isn’t a hope. I told you about him and Jerry straining their relations. Don’t you remember?’

  ‘Certainly, I remember. That point came up in the course of conversation as we were driving back from Matchingham. I mentioned Jerry’s name, and he drew in his breath sharply. “He called me a muddleheaded old ass,” he said. “Well, you are a muddleheaded old ass,” I pointed out, quick as a flash, and he seemed to see the justice of this. He didn’t actually say “Egad, that’s true,” but he drew in his breath sharply, and seeing that I had got him on the run, I pressed my advantage. Didn’t he realize, I said, that it was entirely through Jerry’s efforts that the Empress had been restored to him? He would be showing himself a pretty degenerate scion of a noble race, I said, if he allowed a few heated words spoken under the stress of emotion to outweigh a signal service like that. He drew in his breath sharply. “Was it young Vail who recovered the Empress?” he said, his voice a-quaver and his pince-nez a-quiver. “Of course it was,” I said. “Who the dickens did you think it was? How on earth do you suppose she got into that kitchen at Sunnybrae, if Vail didn’t put her there – at great personal peril, I may add,” I added. “God bless my soul!” he said, and drew in his breath sharply. It was one of those big evenings for sharp-breath-drawers.’

  Gally paused, and accepted another glass of port. He was experiencing the quiet satisfaction of the raconteur who sees that his story is going well. A good audience, Beach and these two young people, he felt. Just the right hushed silence, and the eyes protruding just the correct distance from their sockets.

  ‘I saw now,’ he resumed, ‘that I had touched the spot and got him where I wanted him. You have probably no conception of Clarence’s frame of mind, now that he has got that blighted pig of his back. Exalted ecstasy is about the nearest I can come to it. I should imagine that you felt rather the same, Jerry, when you asked Penny to marry you and her shy response told you that you had brought home the bacon. You leaped, I presume. You sang, no doubt. You scoured the countryside looking for someone to do a good turn to, I should suppose – it is the same with Clarence. As the car drove in at the gate, we struck a bumpy patch, and I could hear the milk of human kindness sloshing about inside him. So I hesitated no longer. I got him to the library, dumped him in a chair, and told him all about your hard case. “Here are these two excellent young eggs, Clarence,” I said, “linked in the silken fetters of love, and unable to do anything constructive about it because the funds are a bit low. Tragic, eh, Clarence?” “Dashed tragic,” he said. “Brings the bally tear to the eye. Can nothing be done about it before my heart breaks?” “The whole matter can be satisfactorily adjusted, Clarence,” I said, “if somebody, as it might be you, slips Jerry Vail two thousand pounds. That is the sum he requires in order to unleash the clergyman and set him bustling about his business.” He stared at me, amazed. “Two thousand pounds?” he said. “Is that all? Why, I feed such sums to the birds. You’re sure he doesn’t need more?” “No, two thousand will fix it,” I said. “Then I’ll write him a cheque immediately,” he said. And to cut a long story short, he did, grumbling a little because he wasn’t allowed to make it larger, and here it is.’

  Jerry and Penny stared at the cheque. They could not speak. In moments of intense emotion words do not come readily.

  ‘He made but one stipulation,’ said Gally, ‘that you were not to thank him.’

  Penny gasped.

  ‘But we must thank him!’

  ‘No. He is a shy, shrinking, nervous fellow. It would embarrass him terribly.’

  ‘Well, we can thank you.’

  ‘Yes, you can do that. I enjoy that sort of thing. You can kiss me, if you like.’

  ‘I will. Oh, Gally!’ said Penny, her voice breaking.

  ‘There, there,’ said Gally. ‘There, there, there!’

  It was some little time later that Gally, a good deal dishevelled, turned to Beach. The door had closed, and they were alone.

  ‘Ah, love, love!’ he said. ‘Is there anything like it? Were you ever in love, Beach?’

  ‘Yes, sir, on one occasion, when I was a young under-footman. But it blew over.’

  ‘Nice, making the young folks happy.’

  ‘Yes, indeed, Mr Galahad.’

  ‘I feel all of glow. But what of the old folks?’

  ‘Sir?’

  ‘I was only thinking that you don’t seem to have got much out of this. And you ought to have your cut. You don’t feel like bringing an action against Parsloe?’

  Beach was shocked.

  ‘I wouldn’t take such a liberty, Mr Galahad.’

  ‘No, I suppose it would be awkward for you, suing your future nephew by marriage. But you certainly are entitled to some compensation for all you have been through, and I think with a little tact I can get it for you. About how much would you suggest? A hundred? Two hundred? Five hundred is a nice round sum,’ said Gally. ‘I’ll see what I can do about it.’

  3

  In her bedroom on the first floor, the second on the right – not the left – as you went along the corridor, Lady Constance, despite her nasty cold, was feeling on the whole, pretty good.

  There is this to be said for a nasty cold, that when you get it, you can go to bed and cuddle up between the sheets and reflect that but for this passing indisposition you would have been downstairs, meeting your brother Galahad. After all, felt Lady Constance philosophically, kneading the hot water bottle with her toes, a couple of sniffs and a few sneezes are a small price to pay for the luxury of passing an evening away from a brother the mere sight of whom has always made you wonder if Man can really be Nature’s last word.

  It was consequently with something of the emotions of a character in a Greek Tragedy pursued by the Fates that she saw the door open and observed this brother enter in person, complete with the monocle which had always aroused her worst passions. Lying awake in the still watches of the night, she had sometimes thought that she could have endured Gally if he had not worn an eyeglass.

  ‘Go away!’ she said.

  ‘In due season,’ said Gally. ‘But first a word with you, Connie.’ He seated himself on the bed, and ate one of the grapes which loving hands had placed on the table. ‘How’s your cold?’

  ‘Very bad.’

  ‘Clarence’s recent cold was cured, he tells me, by a sudden shock.’

  ‘I am not likely to get a sudden shock.’

  ‘Oh, aren’t you?’ said Gally. ‘That’s what you think. Beach is bringing an action against Sir Gregory Parsloe, claiming thousands of pounds damages. Try that one on your nasal douche.’

  Lady Constance sneezed bitterly. She was feeling that if there was one time more than another when this established blot on the family exasperated her, it was when he attempted to be humorous.

  ‘Is this one of your elaborate jokes, Galahad?’

  ‘Certainly not. Straight, serious stuff. A stark slice of life.’

  Lady Constance stared.

 
‘But how can Beach possibly be bringing an action against Sir Gregory? What for?’

  ‘Wrongful arrest. Injury to reputation. Defamation of character.’

  ‘Wrongful arrest? What do you mean?’

  Gally clicked his tongue.

  ‘Come, come. You know perfectly well what wrongful arrest is. Suppose you were doing a bit of shopping one afternoon at one of the big London stores and suddenly a bunch of store detectives piled themselves on your neck and frog’s-marched you off to the coop on a charge of shoplifting. It happening to be one of the days when you weren’t shoplifting, you prove your innocence. What then? Are you satisfied with an apology? You bet you’re not. You race off to your lawyer and instruct him to bring an action against the blighters and soak them for millions. That’s Beach’s position. Parsloe, for some reason known only to himself, got the idea that Beach had pinched his pig, and instead of waiting like a sensible man and sifting the evidence had him summarily arrested and taken off to Market Blandings prison, courtesy of Constable Evans. Beach now, quite naturally, proposes to sue him.’

  The full horror of the situation smote Lady Constance like a blow.

  ‘The scandal!’ she wailed.

  Gally nodded.

  ‘Yes, I thought of that.’

  Lady Constance’s eyes flashed imperiously.

  ‘I will speak to Beach!’

  ‘You will not speak to Beach,’ said Gally firmly. ‘Start giving him that grande dame stuff of yours, and you’ll only put his back up worse.’

  ‘Then what is to be done?’

  Gally shrugged his shoulders.

  ‘Nothing, as far as I can see. The situation seems hopeless to me. It would all be simple, if Parsloe would only agree to a settlement out of court, but he refuses to consider it. And Beach wants five hundred pounds.’

  Lady Constance stared.

  ‘Five hundred? You said thousands of pounds.’

  ‘Just a figure of speech.’

  ‘You really mean that Beach would consent to drop this action of his for five hundred pounds?’

  ‘It’s a lot of money.’

  ‘A lot of money? To avoid a scandal that would make us all the laughing stock of the county? Give me my cheque book. It’s in the drawer over there.’