Don’t Ever Wonder

by Darren Coleman

“Well, do you feel as though you are to blame, Nate?” She stepped away from the door and took her blazer off, hanging it on a coat hook.

  “Well…at first I did. I blamed myself for her taking her life. I blamed myself for being so immature and not being up-front about the real me. I was never any good at relationships. I wanted people near me but I always hurt everyone who got close to me, but I never intended to cause her so much pain.”

  “Hmmph,” she said. “Well, son, that’s the nature of relationships and women. Some of us love too hard to be played with.” She saw the look on his face and could tell he was looking for something from her. “You can come in for a moment. I just got in from work,” she said, then continued as she led him to her living room, “and now?” She offered him a seat.

  “And now what?”

  “Do you still blame yourself?”

  Nate was shocked at how he’d been received. The best he’d hoped for was a polite acceptance of his apology, but it had become much more. A real chance to explain himself. “Honestly, no. I don’t blame myself for her death. But please know that I do fully accept responsibility for treating her badly. I have found God and I have come to find his mercy and grace. I wish I could undo what has been done. I have asked for forgiveness and I have prayed for you and your family every day. I prayed that you could forgive me.”

  She nodded her head and a smile appeared on her face. “Nate, I forgave you a long time ago. Son, I prayed that you wouldn’t blame yourself and, believe it or not, I even held out faith that you would come to see me one day so I could say these things to you. Kim’s death was by design of the devil. He put that idea in her head to do something like that.”

  Nate was silent. He was so overtaken by her words that tears welled up in his eyes. He was about to speak when Mrs. Winters cut him off.

  “Nate, not many people know this, but my daughter attempted suicide twice before this. Once in high school because she claimed that her father and I didn’t understand her. A second time after a failed relationship with some guy whose name she barely remembered a year later. Kim was bipolar and suffered from severe depression as well. Her demons ran a lot deeper than being dogged out by a man…you understand.”

  “I had no idea,” Nate said.

  “You couldn’t have.” She offered him something to drink and when he accepted she brought him a glass of iced tea. “Nate, I actually owe you an apology.”

  “For what?”

  “Well, judging from the fact that you are even here…you are obviously a man of some conscience. Even if you were a d-o-g then or now, it’s obvious to me that you suffered behind this. I could have reached out to you, but…” She paused. “I actually wanted you to suffer a bit.”

  Nate laughed. “I understand. Truly I do and I accept your apology.”

  Mrs. Winters smiled. “I want you to know that I think that you are a decent man for even coming. It means a lot to me.” She stood and he stood to meet her with a hug.

  “Thanks. Also, Mrs. Winters, if you ever need anything, please call on me. Anything at all…a ride, some help around here…here is my new number.”

  “That’s very sweet of you. I doubt if I will need anything. Even though we’re divorced, Kim’s father still comes around to maintain the house and I am saving for a new car now, but you can stop past every now and then to say hello.”

  “I’ll do that,” Nate said with a smile. He felt a hundred pounds lighter as she showed him out. As he headed out, he turned back to her and said, “God is good.”

  She replied, “All the time.”

  Nate headed down the steps and toward his car. He hit the switch to the alarm and opened the door when a silver Audi pulled up beside him. Immediately the driver and the man in the backseat jumped out. Mo, the driver, yelled to Mrs. Winters, “Go on in the house, Aunt Shirlene. You don’t need to see this.”

  “I will not.” She began, storming down the steps. “What are you doing around here? I told you and John-John a long time ago not to come around here and especially bringing your thug friends,” she barked at the top of her lungs.

  “Listen, Aunt Shirlene, this nigga is gonna get dealt with for what he did to Kim,” the guy who had climbed out of the back replied. He was holding a gun in his hand as casually as a cigarette.

  “First off, I’m not your aunt. Did you even know Kim?”

  “I met her before,” he replied. Realizing how stupid he sounded, he added, “but, I’m rolling with Mo. So if that’s his peoples, then they my peoples.”

  “So, what do you plan to do to this man, Mo? What, you gonna shoot him in front of my house in broad daylight? Boy, if your momma could see you now she would be sick.”

  “You don’t understand, Aunt Shirlene. Me and Kim were close.”

  “I know you were. But killing Nate isn’t going to bring her back. He came here to apologize to me. I have accepted his apology and that is where it ends. There are things that you don’t know about Kim, and I am not going to explain it to you. I will say this—Nate did not kill her or force her to take her life. You have no right to harm him.”

  Nate stood motionless as his eyes looked for a way to gain an advantage. There was a chance that he could wrestle the gun from the man standing there, but if Mo had a pistol on him too, he’d be done for. Mrs. Winters was his best and only chance. These guys were killers; they didn’t bring their guns for show.

  “Let me say this to you, boy. I have his number.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “I am going to call him every day. The first time I don’t get an answer I’m calling the police. I am going to tell them about your threats, the guns I see you with, and your motive. Then I am going to give them your government names, Social Security numbers, license plates, and descriptions. I will tell them where all your baby mothers live. Do you understand me, Maurice?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I’m not playing. I don’t want a hair harmed on his head. I will testify against you…make no mistake.”

  A grimace formed on Mo’s face as he looked Nate up and down. “Your lucky day, you faggot.”

  “Man, I got no beef with you,” Nate said humbly.

  “What? Nigga, you getting smart? I will crush you out here.”

  Just then a voice rang out. “You all right, homey?” Dee’s face appeared. He was in the passenger seat of Brendan’s Corvette.

  A smile appeared on Nate’s face. “Yeah, I’m straight.”

  “Well, let’s roll. We got moves to make,” Dee said.

  Nate turned to Mrs. Winters. “Thanks for talking to me.”

  She nodded. “It was my pleasure, son.”

  As Nate prepared to climb into his car, Mo took a swing at him. Nate saw it and ducked out of the way. In the next instant Brendan and Dee jumped out of the car. Dee held a pistol and took aim at the passenger in the backseat.

  Before a shot was fired Mrs. Winters screamed and grabbed Nate.

  “Hold it. Hold it,” Nate yelled out at the top of his lungs. “In the name of the Father be still.” Everyone halted while her arms were still around Nate. The man in the passenger seat of Mo’s car climbed out. He was a mountain of a man. If he made a move, the only way that he might be stopped would be with a bullet or two. “It doesn’t have to be this way. Ya’ll can put the guns away.” Nate pulled away from Mrs. Winters. “Ya’ll are disrespecting this woman and her home.” Then he turned to Mo. “If you have to work your frustrations out, then we can do it like soldiers. I’m not trying to get into that gunplay. Nobody wins with that, but if that’s the only way you can express your manhood, then I’ll get in that car and leave town for good. I don’t want to die…and I don’t want to kill you. But I won’t walk around this town waiting for you or your partners to steal my life.”

  “Oh, that ain’t gonna happen,” Dee said. “If it does, then a lot of people gonna follow.”

  “Man, chill with that,” Nate barked back. “Look, Mo, if you w
ant to get it on we can put the guns away and work it out right now.”

  Mo stared at Nate. He really didn’t want to fight Nate. He would have much preferred to shoot him. Realizing that his aunt was serious about calling the police, and that it probably wouldn’t end there, as Nate had friends who had his back too, Mo said, “Fuck it. It ain’t worth it.” He turned to climb in the car.

  The mountain laughed and said, “So you gonna let it go like that? This nigga offered you up. I know you ain’t gonna shoot him, but you gonna just let it slide like that? Man, you acting like a sucka. Whoop his ass.”

  No one uttered a sound and Nate fought back his instincts as best he could until he said, “Big man, why don’t you show him how it’s done.”

  Brendan flinched because he felt as though Nate was preparing to bite off more than two men could chew. Dee showed no expression. Mrs. Winters was shocked at the display of pride but didn’t want to see Nate battered.

  “What?” the big man shouted. “You don’t want me. I ain’t never liked you anyway, you pretty mufucka.”

  The man in the backseat of Mo’s car co-signed. “Go ahead, Byrd. Crush that nigga.”

  Nate stepped out from his car into the empty driveway and took his shirt off. He had on nothing but a wife-beater and his body showed that he had been working out. Brendan felt nervous and wondered if he should have been prepared to jump in. Nate’s body language surprised everyone. Not only was he calm, he seemed confident and almost eager to get physical with the huge brother. Byrd moved to the driveway and never even lifted his hands. He fully expected to take Nate’s head off with a haymaker and he tried. What he didn’t figure was that it was damn near impossible to hit Nate. The first punch Nate ducked, the second came so slow that Nate had time to sidestep it and kick Byrd in the back when he flew past him.

  Nate could see everyone in the background and even a couple of neighbors had come out onto their lawns to see if there was an actual brawl going on. After four more missed punches, Byrd was getting winded and Nate decided to give him a beating. As Byrd lunged once again with a right hook, Nate leaned back out the way, but this time he planted his right foot and fired back a left, landing on his opponent’s nose. The crunch was heard by everyone. Before the pain even had a chance to set in, Nate threw two rights to his midsection and followed with one to his chin. Stunned, he tried to stop Nate’s onslaught by grabbing him. Instead he was hit with another left to the eye and a hook from Nate that landed on his temple.

  Byrd was at least six-four and well over two hundred and fifty pounds. When his knees buckled and he began to fall forward, Nate was surprised. No one else was after watching the display. Each punch had been precise and full of force. Nate didn’t realize how much strength, anger, pain, and frustration he’d released with each blow. He stopped and looked as Byrd’s eyes grew glassy and blood poured from the big man’s nose. He wasn’t out cold, but he was close.

  Normally, Byrd would have been stomped after being floored, but Nate took one look at him and walked back toward the car. “I apologize for that, Mrs. Winters. I’ll look forward to your calls,” Nate said while trying hard to catch his breath.

  “That’s okay, baby. That’s quite all right.” Then she motioned for Mo and his sidekick to get Byrd and leave.

  “Let’s roll,” Nate said to Brendan as he put his shirt back on. Mo said nothing as Nate moved past him and to his car.

  Brendan nodded. “Damn, I see you’re still nice with those hands.”

  “They’re all right.”

  “Damnnnnnn,” Dee yelled out, “somebody got knocked dafuck owwwt,” doing his Chris Tucker impersonation.

  They all laughed and Brendan said to Nate, “It’s been a long time.”

  Nate chimed in like Rakim in the song, “I should’na left you…”

  And they pulled off.

  9

  Sweet-and-Sour Sugar

  Contrary to popular opinion, all men are not dogs. At least not naturally. Brendan was having a hard time splitting his time between two women, especially when the one he lived with had more game than he did. After meeting Tanisha at the party Brendan had been torn between following the advice of Dee versus that from the new-and-improved Nate. Dee had been urging him to put Trina out of his condo without explanation, or at the very least playing her the same way she had obviously played him. “There ain’t no sense in trying to talk to her about things that you know she is going to lie about,” Dee had said. “Women fuck around just like we do, the only difference is a nigga got to get up early in the morning to catch them. And know this—if you don’t catch her ass red-handed, she will take that shit to her grave.”

  Nate, on the other hand, in light of his new spiritual consciousness, had suggested that Brendan have a serious talk with his woman. “Brendan, I’m far from a perfect example, so I can’t really tell you how to live your life, but I will say that most times it’s best for an honest man to stay honest. You’ve always treated women with respect, and I’ve always respected that about you. You probably never knew that, but I did. I was always so caught up in my games of deception and bullshit that I never took the time to see what open and honest communication would bring, but that’s what I’m trying to do from here out.”

  Brendan had settled somewhere in the middle. He’d elected to spend time with Tanisha while trying his best to forget and ignore the problems with Trina.

  “Brother, you sure have been hanging out with Dee a lot lately,” Trina said while standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

  Brendan said nothing in response. Instead he continued dressing. He fastened the last of the buttons on his shirt and inspected his collar in the mirror. He then slipped his foot into the Kenneth Cole loafers. He didn’t want her to see him put on cologne. So he reached into his sock drawer and grabbed a sample of Gucci and put it quickly into his pocket. He went into the bathroom to take a quick leak and noticed that Trina was right behind him. Finally, he said, “Why are you following around?”

  “You never minded before.”

  “Well, I mind today. Can I take a piss without you all up on my back?”

  A surprised look came across Trina’s face. “Why are you talking to me like that?”

  Brendan had no response to share. Maybe because you fucked around on me, maybe because I’m getting ready to fuck around on you, came to mind but he gave nothing but a shake of his head. Though he would never have admitted it for fear of coming across as a punk, Brendan had an aversion to conflict. It was so deep that he chose to keep silent rather than confront Trina.

  “So where are you going?”

  “I’m going to the 9:30 Club.”

  “Oh, so is someone performing down there tonight?” Brendan was surprised that she didn’t know. For years Trina and her crew had been a fixture at every hot club or nightlife event in the city.

  “You mean you don’t know?” Brendan asked jokingly.

  “Brendan, you know I don’t hang out anymore. Ever since—” She caught herself. She was about to bring up Kim’s death, but knew that it would only depress her. Kim was one of Trina’s best friends and it bothered her deeply that she had been the one to introduce her to Nate. “You haven’t noticed that since we’ve been back together I have become a real homebody?”

  “I guess.”

  “So who’s performing?”

  “Kenny Lattimore and Chanté Moore.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “Oohhhh. I want to go.”

  “Well, I didn’t pay for the tickets. Dee got them from Kenny Lattimore himself. When he’s in town Dee cuts his hair. Dee said when he went by the hotel to cut his hair earlier Kenny dropped a couple of tickets on him.”

  “So, why is he taking you instead of his girl?”

  “What girl?”

  “I thought he had a girlfriend.”

  “Not unless you know something that I don’t. Which wouldn’t really be a surprise.”

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind,” Brendan shot back,
“I’m out. Don’t wait up.”

  “What time are you coming in?”

  “I don’t know. Why?”

  “I might want a snack.”

  Brendan took a look at Trina and replied, “You might want to watch the snacks. You know your metabolism starts to slow down as you approach thirty.”

  “Whatever. Call me when you are on the way in.” Brendan turned to head out the door. “Hey,” Trina called out. “A sistah can’t get a little sugar before you roll out?”

  Hiding his lack of enthusiasm, Brendan walked over to her and planted a kiss on her lips. When his lips touched hers, he cringed, imagining her with some other man. As the thought was eating him up inside, he concentrated on the evening ahead and stepped out to take his mind off of her.

  The club was packed and Brendan had a hard time finding Dee among the crowd, but he looked over toward the bar and immediately saw Tuesday. Brendan had met Tuesday briefly on a couple of occasions, but because Dee spoke of her quite often he felt as though they were old friends. She had on a multicolored micro-mini and a fuchsia BCBG top that showed her belly button. She was the brightest thing in the place, and Dee was standing right behind her ordering drinks. Tuesday was shaped like a runway model except for the fact that she had huge breasts for a woman of her build.

  Brendan walked up to them and Tuesday smiled. “Hey, Brendan, what’s up?”

  “Hey, Tuesday, what’s up with you?”

  “Not much, just chillin’up in the spot with my homey, Dee.”

  Then Brendan pointed to his date. “This is Tanisha. Tanisha, this is Tuesday.”

  The ladies exchanged pleasantries while looking each other up and down to check each other’s pedigree just as Dee turned around with drinks for himself and Tuesday. “What’s good, my nigga?” Then he nodded at Tanisha. “Hey,” he said, giving Brendan an approving nod.

  Tanisha smiled and responded, “Hey.”

  Dee ordered a round of drinks for Brendan and Tanisha and the four of them stood around chatting, waiting for the show to start. The deejay was spinning some music while the band set up. The ladies were swaying to the beat as 50’s “21 Questions” played. Brendan took notice of Tuesday’s thong, which was showing just above her skirt. His eyes were drifting between the butterfly that she had tattooed on the small of her back and the shiny tangerine-colored material that her underwear was made from.