by Wood, Lauren
“Well thank you for saving me Scott.”
“It looks like I didn't save you for a long. Dinner tonight?”
I didn't really want to think about it, because I knew what it was going to be. He was going to replay everything that he was supposed to do the night before and there had been a reason that I had blown it off. It was because of what was going to happen next. It was because of a kiss. It was because of the man that was sitting in front of me now and it would seem that neither one of us could come clean about how we felt about the other.
What a mess.
“Yeah dinner. I don't know what I'm going to do about that.”
“Yesterday you were ready to marry him.”
“That was yesterday. What can I say, people change their minds?”
“Does that mean that you no longer want to marry him?”
“I don't know. I thought I did, but I guess I don't. You know we haven't really been dating that long.”
“It has been three years. That is long enough to know one way or another.”
“Can you think of another reason why I shouldn't marry him? I mean, besides the fact that you and Lisa think he's wrong for me. Is there another reason that I don’t know about?”
Just once, I wanted Scott to be honest with me. I had known for a long time that he wanted me. We had almost gotten back together before, a long time ago, but it hadn’t worked out. Now I wondered if he still had those same feelings and if he did, then he should tell me. He shouldn't have to be drunk and give me a kiss and tell me all of those things with a slurred speech. He should just tell me the truth.
I waited for a moment or two before I realized that he wasn't going to say a word. Apparently, Scott didn't feel that connected to me or he would have said something. Why did he kiss me last night and now he was being a coward?
“No, you know the reason. Me and Lisa just want you to be happy. You will find the right person, I'm sure of it, Blair. But I don't think it's him.”
I didn't know what to say to him and I just kind of agreed. I wanted so much more out of this conversation, but I realized now that it wasn't going to happen.
“Well, thank you for saving me Scott. Really. I will have to figure something out for tonight.”
“You can always have last minute plans with me.”
“Oh? What would I tell him? I don't think Dominic is going to take just any excuse that I give him. It's going to have to be a good one.”
He told me that he would get back to me about it and I could only imagine what he was thinking. I wanted him to finally get the courage up to tell me how he really felt, but maybe I didn't want to hear it either. Maybe I needed to get away from both Dominic and Scott because they were acting so strange.
“Well if you think of something, let me know. I really don't want to be home tonight when he comes to pick me up.”
He started to leave and then Scott turned around and asked me something that I didn't really have an answer for.
“I am curious though Blair. Why didn't you go with him last night? you could have left me here. I was already asleep by the time he got here.”
Now I was the one that was feeling like a coward, because I didn't want to tell him the truth. Instead, I wanted to tiptoe around it just like he had done. It was hard to be mad at him for something that I was doing as well. When had things gotten so complicated between me and Scott?
“I just didn't want to leave you Scott. You were acting a little strange and you had quite a bit to drink. You know that I care about you and I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.”
He smiled at me and there was a knowing look in his eyes. Maybe I wasn't as slick as I thought I was. I was apparently a lot more transparent.
When he left, I was finally able to breathe again, and I was mad at myself for backing down at the last minute. I should have told him the truth. But I just couldn't. That would mean that we would finally have to face what was between us and I didn't know what that was. How could one kiss complicate so many things?
It was just one kiss.
Scott
While I was out running around trying to help Blair out, I completely flaked on work. I needed to get in and get to a meeting that I had later in the day. It was an important one and it was one that I couldn't miss. I was hopeful that I would get a little time away from thinking about Blair. It was always easier when I had something to keep my hands and my mind busy. It wasn't like I hadn’t been thinking about her for the last ten years or so. Maybe even more. I'm not even really sure when I fell for her again, or if I’d ever stopped fallen from the moment I met her.
Going back to my place, I got dressed and took a shower before heading out for the day. I was running late, and I told my assistant to make sure that the guy I was meeting, knew that I would be there momentarily. It was going to be another ten minutes after I talked to her, but at least they would stay. It wasn't going to help the situation and the deal, but I knew that I would work it out.
When I got there, everyone was waiting and for the first few minutes, there were a lot of awkward pauses and dirty stares. I came up with a good reason for being late and it was almost immediate that all was forgiven. People really just want to hear, what they want to hear. The truth is all subjective in that way.
I worked in advertising and Dante Henderson was going to be a big client. He was a producer of one of the most popular bottled iced teas in the country and they were looking for a whole new marketing campaign. They had some new products coming out and they wanted to rebrand. It was going to be big contract and a lot of money. I should have been more worried about it then I was.
We weren't ready to sign the contract, as I'd hoped we would be, but it was a good start. Dante and his two sons were convinced that our company was the one to go through, but we were still ironing out how many commercials and different print ads they wanted. My people were going to put something together and in a couple of days I would meet up with him again.
I looked at my watch as I was walking out of the meeting, and I realized that it was only four o'clock. I thought it would be later. It felt like we had spent more than an hour and a half in there, but the time was what it was. It meant that I could still go and save Blair. I could figure something out and take her away from her boyfriend that was trying to marry her.
The problem was that I didn't want to save her. I wanted her to save herself. I didn't want her to marry Dominic because he wasn’t right for her and she didn’t really love him, not because of anything else. I wanted to tell her what I felt for her, but not at the expense of our friendship. It was like walking on egg shells and every time I moved a muscle, something cracked.
Instead of being the knight in shining armor that I wanted to be for her, I instead stayed home and tried not to think about what the outcome was going to be.
I turned my phone off after I saw that Blair had called. She really did want me to save her and it was hard for me to tell her no. It had been hard for me to tell her no for a very long time and I knew that I couldn't keep hearing the ringing and seeing her name flash across my phone without answering it. Turning it off and locking it away in the drawer, was the only way that my resolve was going to hold.
I went to bed at night, wondering if I had made a mistake. There was a very good chance that when I talk to Blair the next day, she would be engaged. She would have a big fat rock on her hand, and it wouldn't be for me. It would be from someone else.
The next morning, I woke up at my usual time and started some coffee, before I pulled my phone out of the drawer. There were several missed calls and a couple of voice mails. They were all from Blair. But I couldn't bring myself to look and hear what it was about. I had a feeling that Blair was going to tell me some great news. News that was going to change my life forever. I really didn't want to wait for her to go through her first marriage and divorce before I made my move. Everything that I told myself before was wrong. If I didn't make a move, then I didn't deserve her.
I really didn't like the idea of that.
“Hey Scott. I was just hoping that you would call me back and come up with some kind of plan to get me out of this tonight. He is going to be here for six, so if you can figure something out before then I would be very much appreciative.”
Her voice sounded nervous and I'm glad that I didn't listen to this voicemail. There was no way in hell that I wouldn't have moved mountains to make her happy. I didn't like the way she sounded at the moment.
“Anyways, I hope you give me a call back Scott. See you in a bit.”
I was tempted to listen to the rest of the voicemails, but I knew that it would be more of the same. I didn't want to hear her voice when she realized that I wasn't coming. That would be the worst thing of all that I could imagine.
Guilt was washing over me, because I felt like I’d let her down. I was her friend before I was anything else and I should have helped her out. It wasn't like I had anything to do. I ended up staying in and watching a movie before going to bed early. I hadn't wanted to help her, because I'm jealous and I obviously am not being a very good friend.
There was one more message that was sent after ten o'clock. It was most likely after she had gotten home from going out with Dominic. That was the message that I needed to listen to. The one that I was dreading more than anything else and I couldn't bring myself to do it. There was no way that I could.
I’d went to work, hoping that I could get Blair out of my mind. It was doing me no good being here though. None at all. All I could replay in my mind was Blair’s voice, asking me to save her and knowing that she got nothing but silence in response.
Blair
Since Scott had completely stood me up, I ended up pretending that I was sick, so then I didn't have to go out with Dominic. I knew what was going to happen if I went out with him and I knew that I couldn't. I didn't want to end the relationship at this exact moment, but I knew that I had to. As soon as he asked me to marry him and I told him no, that would be that. I knew that our relationship wouldn't come back from that and I wasn't quite ready to go down that path yet.
I was starting to think that it was stupid of me to sit here and wait for Scott to decide what he wanted to do. He pretended that the other night didn't happen, and I did too. I wanted him to tell me all of the things that he said when he was sober, and his mind was focused. The last thing I needed was for him to tell me that he loved me again. If he wasn't going to be in the right state of mind, I certainly don't want to hear it. But instead of doing something, once again, he did nothing.
It was frustrating to say the least and he called in the afternoon the next day, but I just ignored his calls. There was nothing good that could come from a conversation between us right now. I was very unhappy with him and at this point, I would not be able to hide it.
Instead, I talked to Lisa and we decided to go out for the night. Both of us had men that were making things more complicated and it was just easier to go out and forget about it for a while night. I had to forget about Scott and Dominic, while Lisa had a recent ex that she caught cheating with someone she worked with. We both had men to forget about and it was better this way, to do it together.
I didn't take my phone when she came to pick me up that night. I almost always did. It was usually strapped to the side of me, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. The only two that were going to call me, was Scott and Dominic and a conversation with either one of them didn't sound very good to me.
“Why are you acting so weird tonight?”
Lisa could always see right through me and I knew that there was no reason to deny it. I had been bubbling over, wanting to tell her what happened between me and Scott, but I was still a little unsure if I wanted to do that, even now. She was looking at me, waiting for me to tell her what was going on and so badly I wanted to. But would she be able to give it to herself? She never really was good at that.
“If I tell you something, then you have to promise that you won't repeat it.”
I wanted to warn her that it was important information, but it just pulled up a bigger smile on her face and she scooched a little bit closer.
“I promise.” There was a glistening quality to her eyes that wasn’t there before. Lisa did love juicy gossip.
“Well, it has to do with my birthday the other day. You know that I was supposed to go with Dominic, right?”
“So, what happened? I thought you wanted to tell me. I didn't realize that you wanted me to get it out of you like this.”
I sighed to myself and I knew that she was right. I was trying my best to get it out, but it was stuck in my throat like it physically didn't want to leave.
“Okay, so I am just going to say this really fast or I am going to completely chicken out, okay?”
“Yeah totally. Suspense is up, you certainly have my attention now.”
“So, me and Scott kissed the other night on my birthday.”
I said it as fast as I could, because I knew that I was going to lose our courage. I barely had enough as it was. Lisa didn't help either. She looked at me for several moments, like I had grown another eye in between the ones I had.
“You two kissed?!”
“Yes, and stop looking at me like that. I know that it's crazy and I can't even believe that it happened, but it did. And now everything is screwed up because of it.”
“So, what was it like?”
That was actually not something I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about the fact that we had kissed. Not that it was nice, and it had changed everything in me. That was something that I could keep to myself.
“It doesn't matter what it was like Lisa. You are totally losing focus. The fact is that I kissed Scott. I mean like we really kissed.”
She was quiet for a while and then she told me that it was bound to happen eventually.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that he has been in love with you for a long time Blair and eventually you have to see that he is a good guy. You know he is.”
I knew that he was a good man. We had been friends for a long time, even more before that, but that didn't mean that kissing was bound to happen.
“How can you say that, when I have been dating Dominic for the last three years?”
She tilted her head to the side and asked me how that was going.
It really hasn't been going well, but I didn't have to say that, because she already knew that. I liked Dominic and some days I wanted to love him, but I had never been able to. I don't know what that said about me, but it hadn't been because of Scott. We have been just friends for so long, that the kiss had been completely out of left field. I never saw it coming.
“I know that me and Dominic aren't supposed to be together. You and Scott don't have to tell me that. I have known for a while, but I guess I just didn't realize it until we kissed the other night.”
She gave me a look, like she told me she knew what was going on between us, better than I did. She may be right, but I didn't want to imagine that. I wanted to think that I knew my own heart, even if it was impossible to decipher sometimes.
“So, what are you going to do?”
That was really the question. What was I supposed to do now?
“I don't know Lisa. I really don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something.”
“Well the first thing you should do, is break up with Dominic. He really shouldn't be a problem anymore. You know the truth now.”
I agreed, but at the same time I knew that it wouldn't be that easy. Can I really just change everything for one kiss ? No guarantees of what was going to happen next. Could I really put my faith in Scott?
Scott
I realized pretty quickly, that Blair wasn't going to call me back. She turned her phone off and it was going to voicemail immediately. I really don't know what I was going to say. Maybe I was going to make an excuse and apologize for not going out there the night before, but it was late, and she wasn't answering the phone.
I knew that waiting around was just going to make it worse, so I went out instead. I called Phil and we went out to a local bar. Usually I would scan the crowd and find a girl that looked as close as I could get to Blair.
I've been doing it for years, maybe even longer, but it was only about five years ago that I realized why I had such an affliction for redheads. It wasn't just a redhead, but I wanted them to actually look like her and Blair was one of a kind because I’d never found anyone even close. I could never get it just right, but recently I had stop trying. I kept up appearances and Blair thought that I was still dating like I had before, but I wasn't. I had given up on the game. At some point, I just realized that nothing was going to be worth it. I wanted the real thing or nothing else would do.
It had been awhile since I had gone out and actively looked for a woman, but Phil was pushing me in that direction and I just let it go. He found a couple of hot girls to flirt with and before long, we were going back to his place to have a few more drinks. It was rather clear what was going to happen next. It was what I wanted to happen. What I needed to happen. But there was once again, something holding me back.
“Look man. I know that you want to go back with him, but I think I'm going to head home. I don’t have this in me tonight.”
Phil was not too happy about it, because he wanted to make sure that Kristen went with him. If he couldn't find someone for her friend, then maybe the night that he had in mind, wasn’t going to happen at all the way he wanted it to.
“Come on Scott. This isn’t like you. Just take one for the team.”
“I wish I could, really I do, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I have a lot of work tomorrow, a new ad to propose and I need some sleep.”
He looked at me like I was losing it and maybe I was. My friend was always more to me than that in my mind, but Blair was playing games. I hadn’t saved her from Dominic, but now she wasn’t talking to me at all. I needed to get my mind wrapped around everything going on, before I could move forward. Falling in bed with a woman was like booze. They helped forget the situation for the time being, but at the same time, it was always regretted the next day.
