Damned

by Bec Botefuhr

  “I am shocked to see you, I asked you to wait because my place is a pigsty.”

  I look up at him. “That’s it?”

  “Yeah, that’s it. I don’t want a pretty girl like you in my joint when it is all man like.”

  I smile, shyly. “I like man like.”

  “In that case, come on.”

  He leads me back to the bar, and we enter. He locks the door behind him once more. I smile at the few crew members still sitting at the bar.

  “Evening Jade.” Jez smiles.

  “Hi Jez.”

  “How are you lovely?” Rusty asks, sliding me a drink.

  “I am great.”

  I look at Jax; he smiles warmly at me. I slide onto the bar, and he nestles between my legs.

  “You decided to rebel again?” Rusty grins, clearly happy to see Jax smiling.

  “Something like that.”

  I glance down at my drink and focus on the music playing lightly in the background. It is a lovely, slow song. I begin singing lightly to it while peering at my drink. I can hear Jax chatting casually to Rusty, and the moment is mine. I forget where I am and just focus on the beautiful song.

  I don’t want to close my eyes, don’t want to fall asleep coz I’ll miss you baby and I don’t want to miss a thing.

  Jax leans back and snaps me from my song by taking hold of my chin and turning me to face him.

  “Either there is an angel in the room, or that was your god damned beautiful voice I just heard.”

  “I was just humming.” I blush.

  “No, that was singing. You can sing?”

  “Here and there.” I shrug.

  “Men, Jade’s going to sing us a song.”

  “Oh no. I am not singing.”

  “Yes you are. You have to earn your rent for the night.” He murmurs, kissing me.

  “I can think of other ways to earn my rent.” I mumble.

  His eyes grow hot, and he kisses my neck. “That will come later.”

  “One song.”

  “Can you play a guitar?”

  “Yes.” I snap.

  He grins and slides behind the bar, bringing me back a black, shiny guitar. I pull it off him with a glare, but he just smiles at me. Arrogant. I tune the instrument in and then begin strumming lightly.

  “This is for you handsome.” I grin at Jax, and he winks at me. Damn, he is breaking down my barriers.

  If you're gonna love me, you better learn how to run,

  Cause I like when the boys all chase me just for fun.

  And if you're gonna love me, you better know how to fight,

  And be willing to defend my honor on a Friday night.

  I grin at Jax as I am singing; his eyes are blazing with amusement, lust and protectiveness. He grins back at me and winks; he likes my song choice.

  Cause I want you to want me,

  Oh yeah like you can't have me.

  If you really want me, all you got to give me is everything,

  If you really need me, better need me more than anything.

  By the time I am finished singing, Jax is staring at me oddly. He looks overwhelmed and confused. Like he wants to just take me in his arms and never let go. If I did not know better, I would say it was a look of love.

  “God damn,” He growls taking me into his arms. “Your voice is mind blowing.”

  “Thanks.” I blush.

  “I could hear that every day for the rest of my life.”

  Wow, did he just say that? I lean my head into his chest and inhale his scent. MMMMM, I was falling in love with him alright. I knew this was far too quick, but I couldn’t help my hearts decisions.

  “Fancy a shower?” He whispers in my ear.

  “I think I need one, definitely.”

  “Men, I bid you goodnight. My lady and I are going to…sleep.”

  My lady? I melt. The men cheer and laugh as Jax leads me out the back to his apartment.

  “Jax?”

  “Yeah darlin?”

  “Where do the men sleep?”

  “There’s a rental down the road, they walk back when they are done. Or they just crash on the couches here.”

  “Oh. Where’s your ship?”

  “Hidden.”

  “What’s it name?”

  “Its name?”

  “Doesn’t it have a name?”

  He smiles weakly. “It does.”

  “What is it?”

  “Lady Amber.”

  “Lady Amber?”

  “My mother’s name, my father named the ship.”

  “Wow that is so…”

  “Feminine.” He finishes for me, and I laugh.

  “What would you call it, if it was your choice?”

  He grins. “I don’t know, titan or thor.”

  I laugh, and he joins in. “So manly.”

  “That’s me baby.”

  “I like Lady Amber, it is like an angel amongst pirates.”

  “That’s a nice way of lookin at it. I like your mind little girl.”

  “You like more than my mind.” I purr, and he grins over his shoulder at me.

  When we get to the shower, he slowly peels my clothes off. My breath hitches when I am standing naked with nothing but his eyes on me. Oh god, oh god. His gaze is hungry; he slips his clothes off and gently nudges me into the shower. The warm water flows over us, and I shudder, god this moment…it feels good.

  “Jax?” I whisper.

  “Yeah, baby girl?”

  “Can you err fuck me nicely?”

  He pulls back from kissing my neck and stares at me. “You want me to make love?”

  “No, no…I just don’t want it rough.”

  “You want me to fuck you slowly, darlin?” He grins, amused.

  “Yes, please. Will you?”

  “I will try.” He mumbles.

  “Oh, don’t do it, if it will cause a problem.”

  “I have never fucked slowly in my life Jade, I have never made love, never been gentle.”

  “And you don’t think you can?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Can we try?” I plead, blinking up at him.

  “Alright, for you darlin, I will try.”

  I smile and reach up to press a slow kiss to his mouth. He groans and presses me against the wall; he pauses when he begins a fast pace, and I can see him forcing himself to slow down. He slowly drags his lips over my cheeks, down my neck, over my shoulders and to my breasts. By the time he gets there, I am on fire and begging for him to take me, forget the rest.

  “You said slowly,” He murmurs against my nipple. “I am doing slowly.”

  I am swallowing over and over to stop my moans becoming out of control screams. My nipples are aching by the time he slides his mouth down over my stomach, swirling his tongue around my navel and then lowering his head. He looks up at me, and I am panting.

  “Please!” I cry.

  “You wanted slow.”

  “Please!”

  He slides his tongue down my thighs, over my knees, then back up and slowly, slowly into my heated flesh. I scream; I break apart and want to slide down to wall in a crumbling mess. I am clenching my hands in his hair as he licks me slowly, with a horrid torture I am sure he is doing on purpose. He leans back, blows, lets the water trail over me a moment before driving his tongue back in. Oh crap, oh god.

  “Jax, please!” I wail.

  He deepens his licks, and I scream my release, gripping his head harshly and crying out so loudly I frighten myself. Good lord in heaven, the man is a sex god. He slides his body up to mine and leans down to hook my legs around his waist. Slowly, painfully, he enters me. I moan; I am swollen and hot, ready for him.

  He slides out, then slowly pushes back in. He’s going slow and oh god it is killing me. I try to thrust my hips forward, but he stops me and pauses until I stop trying to force him to move quicker. Then, with a grin, he slides himself in and out, in and out, slowly. It’s torture, pure torture. I am panting, moaning, gripping h
is shoulders and whimpering his name over and over.

  “I love you like this, desperate.” He murmurs in my ear.

  “Jax, please, fuck me, hard.”

  “No.”

  The word is clear, and I know he means it. God Dammit. I feel his body tensing beneath me as he keeps up his slow and dangerous pace. I am going to combust; I am going to fall to pieces in his arms. He groans and thrusts deeper, pressing his hips up as far as he can get them. Good lord. His breathing becomes ragged, and I wonder for a moment if he will find his release. If I don’t hurt him, will he get there?

  “Jax, will you…do I have to hurt you?”

  “No,” He rasps. “Fuck…no, no, no, no.”

  No, is that a bad no or a good no? Does he mean no, I can’t get there without it or no I don’t want to be hurt? I contemplate hurting him, but his moans are telling me that he is enjoying it. I feel my release climbing higher and higher; I want to scream, it feels so damned good.

  “Jax, I want to come with you.”

  “Fuck,” He hisses, “Fuck.”

  “You can’t?”

  “I…can’t…I can’t…”

  It’s bothering him; I can see it, his body is tense, and he is panting. He is trying too hard; he wants to let it go, but he can’t. God, what happened to him to make him so afraid of letting himself go to someone? I let him move inside me until I feel my release nearing a dangerous edge, then, I bite him hard. He roars and shoots into me, at the same time I clamp around him and our sounds of pleasure mould together. When our breathing slows, he lets me down, and I slip out of the shower.

  “Are you ok?” He asks.

  “Sure.”

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “I don’t understand Jax, why can’t you find release when it is close like that?”

  “It’s too close Jade; I was far too close to you then and it can’t happen again.”

  “What are you so damned afraid of?”

  His eyes narrow and he looks hurt. “I am afraid of the horrid pain that comes with heart break. I am afraid of losing somebody I love, to a rogue pirate. I am afraid of being left fucking behind…”

  I stroke his face. “Why would anybody leave you behind? Can’t you see you are worth loving?”

  “I am nothing. Get that through your head.”

  I stare at him, my face showing my hurt. He turns away and walks out. Why in the world did he think he was not worthy of love? Everybody was worthy of love. Jax could be a beautiful, sweet man. I loved him. I knew though, that right now was not the time to push this issue. When I walk out, Jax is in his bed flipping through his phone. I take the hint.

  “I should go.”

  He looks up and meets my eyes. “Yeah, no worries.”

  “For what it’s worth, I think you are an incredible man and well worth somebody’s heart.”

  He swallows, and I can see such a range of emotions across his face. He stands. “I’ll walk you out.”

  I nod, and he walks me out past the crew who wish me goodnight with confused looks. When we get to the front door he leans forward and kisses my head, lingering for a long, painful moment.

  “Night kid.”

  “Night Jax.”

  I turn and disappear into the darkness before he can see the tears pouring down my cheeks.

  CHAPTER 5

  My parents return early the next day, neither bother to even check if I am home. They really do believe I would never run off. Maybe one day I will be sure to get caught and show them I am not the perfect angel. Well, I think they already know that, something about my so called rotten attitude. I don’t believe I have an attitude problem, I am simply sick of living this life. Maybe they needed to learn the difference.

  I make my way down to the ground floor; I notice my parents and James all sitting and chatting quietly. What in the hell is he doing here? I walk in, meeting each of their eyes. James stares at me but something in his gaze tells me that he has not said anything about Jax and I. That means something else is going on; I knew it. I sigh and then dare to ask.

  “What is going on? Tell me now, before I attempt to enjoy my day.”

  “Sit down.” My father demands.

  I sit, with a loud and exaggerated humph. My father glares at me, but I throw him a sweet, innocent smile.

  “After your little tantrum last week, we have decided to take matters into our own hands. As of next week, you will be a married woman.”

  “What?” I gasp. I did not see that coming.

  “The wedding has been arranged for next Tuesday. You and James will be married, then begin trying for children. There is no argument Jade; it is quite straightforward. Without us, you have nothing. What are you going to do out in the big world without money and experience? You don’t want to lose your trust fund. You know it, I know it, and your mother knows it.

  “And I.” James chips in.

  “Shut it!”

  My father slams his hand on the table, hard. I jump and know, if I do not shut up; I really would lose everything. I hate the life I have, but I am also smart enough to know he is right. Without their wealth, I have nothing. I would have to work and make a living, and I would not be able to do it in this country. I knew to do that; I would need support and a damn brilliant plan. I didn’t have any of that.

  “I am sick and tired of your poor attitude, you are pushing my limit’s Jade. If you do not do this, I will cast you out of this kingdom and this country.”

  I swallow. “Yes father.”

  “The wedding details will be given to you in due time. Until then, I advise you stay out of trouble and out of my way!” He roars, standing and leaving the table. My mother shakes her head at me and leaves after my father.

  “Well done Jade!” James snaps with a disgusted tone as he stands and leaves too.

  Well, didn’t I just stir the pot?

  I hide for the next two days, ignoring all calls and text messages from Jax. I can’t face him and explain what is happening. I don’t want this, and yet, I am trapped. I have no way out, no way to free myself. After the third day, I finally answer Jax’s text messages. He had text me earlier and threatened me; I had not been keeping up with my end of the deal. Every second day, I had promised to make love to him, provided he slept with no other. My phone buzzes once more, his message boils my blood.

  Last chance, come now, or I find another.

  God, what if I can’t Jax? I said I wouldn’t always be able to cater to you?

  Then, I will find another. Rules are rules Jade, we made the deal together.

  Didn’t think you were so low, I thought you actually liked me but you don’t do you? You just want sex.

  Bullshit, I miss it all, and you haven’t come back. Make the choice or I will fuck somebody else tonight.

  I snap my phone closed, angrily. I dress, then storm out of the house and out the gate. When I enter the pub, Jax is in his unit. I find him glancing at his phone. Did he think I would not come? I think he is actually worried he would have to go through with his threat. He spins when I enter, and I glare at him.

  “Well, here I am.”

  He steps forward, god damn those beautiful eyes.

  “Why did you come?”

  “You threatened me, you know I don’t want to share pirate.”

  “So you’re here, but you don’t want to be?”

  “No, I really don’t.”

  “So, what’s the point? Do you really think I will fuck you when you are like this?”

  “Well why in the hell call me over?” I snap.

  “I thought you wanted this, I didn’t know why you hadn’t called.” He yells.

  “You know what, screw you. Didn’t stop and think that maybe I had shit going on? That maybe, just maybe it wasn’t all about sex for me? You’re so selfish. You know what, go and fuck somebody else. You’re going to have to anyway; I am getting married next week, which you would know if you cared about anyone else but yourself.” I am screaming now; tears finally fall. I h
ave been holding them in.

  He steps forward and actually takes me into his arms, which shocks me. I am not stupid enough to push him away. I need him. Want him. Love him. He is warm, solid and the comfort I need.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I haven’t exactly been in the mood to tell anyone, anything. I got threatened with in an inch of my life, and I have no choice, I have to marry somebody I despise.”

  “Oh mate.”

  “You know that means? I can’t come back here.”

  He pulls me back. “What?”

  “I can’t Jax, I will be living with James which means he will have a lot more control. I can’t sneak out like I do now.”

  “CHANGE IT THEN! SAY NO!”

  “I CAN’T.” I snap at his outburst. He lets me go and steps back, then as if realizing how he is reacting he cools down and his face hardens.

  “Whatever, it is your life.”

  “Don’t be like that.”

  “We are only fuck buddies Jade, I don’t actually care if you are not here.”

  Ouch. I stare at him, devastated. I turn on my heel and storm from the room. I bump into Jack on my way out; he smiles, then see’s my face and frowns.

  “Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

  I tell him everything, ignoring Jax when he comes out after me.

  “Oh love, why don’t you stay a while, talk with us.”

  I stare over at the pirates and force a weak smile. It has to be better than going back home. “Ok.”

  I join them, still totally ignoring Jax who thankfully is busy with the bar, Jack and Rusty feed me drink after drink until I am very, very merry.

  “Oh, do you sing the pirate song?” I laugh, thinking of the song I used to sing from one of the Disney movies as a child.

  “The pirate song?” Rusty asks.

  “You know, the yo ho one?”

  “No, teach us lass.”

  And so, I teach them. After an hour, they have it down pat and together we all sing, laughing and drinking.

  “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me. We pillage plunder, we rifle and loot. Drink up me earties, yo ho. We kidnap we ravage and don’t give a hoot. Drink up me earties yo ho!”

  Even Jax; in all his moodiness is laughing at us. The night goes on, until I am rather under the weather. When the bar dies down, Jax joins us and sits beside me.