Undeniably Yours

by Shannon Stacey

  “I thought things were going better with your parents.”

  “Sure. Mostly because I can ignore them. But there are some rules even Sam and I can’t get around. When we get married there’s going to be a Wedding, with a capital W. It’ll be hell for me, so we want to be totally solid before we go there.”

  “No eloping, huh?”

  “I wish.”

  Lily stirred in her bed, scrunching her little face and making smacking sounds, and Beth sighed. “I may as well take her upstairs. I’ve been so distracted all morning, I haven’t gotten a thing done.”

  “Make her a bottle and I’ll feed her. Go out front and see Joe for a few minutes. Join the party.”

  She shouldn’t, but the offer was too tempting to pass up. She liked Joe, his down-to-earth nature having long ago overcome her awe of his success. It would be nice to offer her congratulations in person and ask him to pass them along to Keri.

  The bar was almost at capacity when she got out front and the mood was good. Naturally her gaze was drawn immediately to Kevin, who was drawing a beer and laughing with his brother. She stood in the corner and watched him for a few minutes, trying to settle her nerves.

  He was a natural when it came to bartending. Warm and friendly and quick to laugh. Jasper’s had a great atmosphere and even their slow times meant a reasonably steady flow of regulars. This definitely wasn’t a slow time.

  Just as she was about to step out of the shadows, a tall and very busty brunette in a Red Sox tank top and barely legal shorts handed a napkin to Kevin across the bar. Judging from the fresh coat of paint on the woman’s pouty mouth, Beth didn’t have to guess what was on the napkin.

  Kevin glanced at the napkin, then gave the woman a speculative look that made Beth’s stomach hurt. She hated this part of his job the most, no matter how often he claimed he had no interest in the napkin kissers. And, because it was good for business, he gave the woman a fully dimpled grin and a look that could lead her to believe he just might give her a call sometime.

  Beth didn’t really believe he would, but it was unsettling to see the kind of temptation he faced every day. Especially since more than a few of the baby pounds she’d gained hadn’t been baby pounds at all, but Jasper burger pounds. She wasn’t in maternity clothes anymore, but she still felt slightly dumpy next to the napkin-kissing crowd.

  Once the brunette had swayed her not-very-subtle hips out the front door, Beth joined the celebration. She didn’t miss the fact Kevin’s eyes lit up when he saw her in a way they hadn’t for the napkin kisser. It helped soothe her annoyance, but also put her squarely back in conflicted territory. She wasn’t willing to risk their friendship on a real relationship, but she didn’t want anybody else to have him, either.

  She spoke to Joe for a few minutes, her heart warmed by the joy that was practically exploding from him. Then she sat in silence while another brunette slipped Kevin another napkin and he went through the routine again.

  “Getting quite a collection there,” she said when the woman was gone.

  “That’s the fifth one since I got here.” Joe smirked when Kevin gave him a quelling look.

  “You mention babies and the women go crazy.” Kevin grabbed a seltzer and set it in front of Beth. “I must look particularly virile.”

  Joe snorted. “Or particularly desperate.”

  Beth didn’t care for the direction the conversation was taking, so it was time to jump in. “It’s a good thing you don’t bring Lily into the bar. If they see what a beautiful baby you made, we’ll have to double our napkin orders.”

  He propped his elbows on the bar so his face was very close to hers. “I can’t make magic like Lily with any woman but you.”

  “Oh.” She felt the hot flush creep up her neck into her face. Dammit, and she’d been doing so well.

  Joe raised his soda in a toasting gesture. “Good one, Kev.”

  “Shut up, Joe.” Kevin shot him a dirty look. “You got your girl. Trying to get mine here, if you don’t mind.”

  The heat in her face spread to her entire body and Beth cursed the postpartum hormones that had to be to blame for the sudden hot flashes. “I should get back to Lily so Paulie can come back to work. Give Keri my best, Joe.”

  She fled before Kevin could say any more. Clearly whatever cease fire he’d declared when she had the baby was over and she was fair game again. The assault by his charm, his sincerity and—God help her—his sexuality had resumed.

  She needed to keep reminding herself that, if she surrendered, Lily’s happy childhood could be the hardest hit casualty.

  ***

  “She’s not even giving you an inch, huh?”

  Kevin shook his head as Beth disappeared through the door to the back. That was one way of putting it. “She already knows I want the whole mile.”

  “What’s the deal with you guys, anyway?”

  An empty mug raised at the end of the bar, but Randy was right on it. “She wants us to be friends.”

  “More friendly than working together, practically living together and having a baby together?”

  “No shit. But she’s got it in her head I’m all hot and bothered for a relationship because of the baby and that if we get together because of that, eventually it’ll fall apart and then we won’t be friends anymore, which would suck for Lily.”

  Joe shrugged. “I get being worried about ruining the friendship, but relationships don’t come with guarantees no matter how they start. And it’s not like you just met. You guys have been together now—kind of—for what? Ten months?”

  “No, she’s been holding me at arm’s length now for ten months, which sucks.” Except for that one time in February, which was way too damn long ago. So long ago the memory barely kept him warm at night anymore. “At first she was afraid I’d take over her life and now she’s afraid of ruining our friendship.”

  “That’s a lot of afraid.”

  “I’m afraid my balls are going to explode.” Too late, Kevin remembered they weren’t alone, but thankfully nobody seemed to be paying any attention. Wasn’t the kind of thing a guy wanted getting around. “She’s killing me. This whole thing is killing me.”

  “Have you told her that? How you feel, I mean, not that your balls are going to explode because nobody really wants to know about that. Especially me.”

  “She knows how I feel. I’ve made it pretty damn plain.”

  “L word?”

  “Yup.”

  Joe arched an eyebrow. “That’s pretty damn plain. I’m guessing you didn’t get it back.”

  “No, I got an explanation of how what I was feeling was because she’d been hit by a bus and then had a baby. It wasn’t real. Just emotional upheaval. Hell, even before the L word came into play, she had excuses for anything I might be feeling. I only cared about her because she was pregnant and shit like that.”

  “Well how ’bout now? She’s not pregnant, she hasn’t been in any more accidents and Lily’s two months old.”

  Now it was his turn to shrug. “I haven’t said it again.”

  “Why not?”

  Why not? Because having your emotions thrown back at you and explained away as not being real wasn’t something most guys did for shits and giggles. “Not really up for being emotionally kicked in the balls again, thanks.”

  “A bit hung up on the family jewels there, pal.”

  “Screw you, Joe. Easy for you to say, since you’ve got a loving wife waiting for you at home.”

  “And you think it was easy? That she just magically fell into my arms?” Joe shook his head. “I took a few hits to the sac, too.”

  “So you know, then. That it’s not easy to keep putting yourself out there.”

  “I know it.” He took a long sip of his soda. “I guess the question is whether or not she’s worth the risk.”

  He didn’t even have to think about it. “She’s worth it.”

  “Then think about this for a while—if you haven’t told her how you feel since the acci
dent-slash-having a baby, how is she supposed to know she was wrong?”

  It was a damn good question and it gave him something to think about as his fool brother stood and called for another round on the house. The beer and the congratulations flowed again, as did a couple more lipstick-smeared napkins, which he tossed into the basket unread.

  The only woman he wanted had made it very plain she’d never kiss a napkin for him.

  ***

  Two-thirty in the morning and Kevin had his forehead and palms pressed to Beth’s door, listening to his two-month-old daughter cry.

  Lily had one hell of a set of lungs on her and as the hours ticked by it became pretty obvious, even from his own apartment, she wasn’t in the mood to sleep. There were moments of silence and then the squalling would start up again—probably when Beth decided it was safe to lay her down again.

  He wanted her to be comfortable coming to him for help, but as the hours ticked by, it became clear she wasn’t going to. She rarely did. No matter what he did or how often he reminded her, she couldn’t seem to get it through her damn head she wasn’t alone.

  Damn stubborn woman.

  When Lily’s shrieks got louder, no doubt from Beth’s pacing nearing the door, he gave up thinking about what he should do and knocked.

  The door opened and it took every ounce of his self-control not to take a step back. She’d looked better while actually giving birth to the kid than she did right then. Her hair was insane and her face was puffy from lack of sleep. Her eyes were wet and red and she kept sniffling, as though she was in a constant state of near tears. The look in her eyes brought to mind a trapped, rabid animal.

  And Mike had been right. She was still the most beautiful woman in the world and he didn’t want to be anywhere but here.

  “I know she’s being loud,” she said in a wavering voice. “I’m sorry if we woke you up.”

  When he reached out and took Lily from her, Beth practically sagged in relief. “Why didn’t you call me, Beth?”

  “I didn’t want to bother you. She just…I’ve done everything. She’s fed, changed, she doesn’t have a rash. No pins sticking in her. No…anything. She just doesn’t want to go to sleep.”

  “Then you walk across the hall, hand her to me and tell me it’s my turn.” He repositioned Lily and rubbed her back in gentle circles.

  His little princess let out a belch worthy of the blue-ribbon winner of a baked beans eating contest, then nuzzled against him and closed her eyes.

  And Beth totally came undone. Sobbing, she collapsed in a chair and dropped her head into her hands. “I burped her. I burped her and burped her and burped her. I can’t even do that right. I’m the worst mother ever.”

  Definitely not the time to laugh at her. “Beth, come on. Babies do that. When the boys were babies, Lisa would burp the hell out of them and then as soon as Ma took them, they’d let out these hellacious belches.”

  She shook her head without looking up. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

  “I’m serious. When Lisa cried and said she was the worst mother ever, Ma told her it was something about people are all different shapes, so we push on the baby’s belly and diaphragm or whatever differently. Who knows. Anyway, you need to go to bed.”

  “Yes.” She plucked a few tissues out of the box balanced on the arm of the chair and mopped at her face. “I’ll go put her down and then go to bed.”

  “Not a chance. This peanut’s going to be starving before you know it and the last thing you need is to get up again in two hours. Go to bed. I’ve got her.” He was going to suggest she take a shower before she crawled between the sheets, but he was afraid she’d fall asleep standing up, fall, hit her head and drown. “Go. To. Bed.”

  He knew how deep her exhaustion went when she didn’t even argue or claim she was okay and could handle it herself. She just kissed the top of Lily’s head, tears running down her cheeks, and staggered off in the direction of her bed.

  Leaving Kevin with a warm ball of sleeping baby and a dilemma. He didn’t have any formula at his place because it was just as easy to grab bottles from Beth’s. But if he put Lily down to pack her a bag and she woke up screaming again, Mama Bear wouldn’t get to hibernate in peace.

  In the end he stretched out on the couch with Lily cradled in his arms. After nudging a couple of the throw pillows under his arm so he’d be less likely to flop around and drop her, he closed his eyes.

  For the first time in quite a while, he felt totally content. Under the same roof as Beth, with his daughter in his arms, Kevin willed himself to fall asleep quickly. He’d need all the rest he could get to keep up with his tiny hellion.

  And for the talk he and Beth were going to have in the morning.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The sun streaming through her window woke Beth and she sat up straight, her heart thudding in her chest.

  It was morning. And not the brutal, still-dark-but-technically-morning hours her daughter liked to keep, but actual morning. Eight o’clock, as a matter of fact.

  Why hadn’t Lily cried?

  With trembling hands, she shoved back the covers and slid out of bed. And then she remembered Kevin. Remembered the bone-deep exhaustion and the crying—hers and Lily’s. The relief so intense tears had streamed down her cheeks as she handed the baby over and crawled into bed. He must have stayed so she could sleep through the night for the first time since Lily was born.

  Panic at bay, she pulled on her robe and crept from her room. If Lily was sleeping, Kevin was probably crashed on the couch and she didn’t want to wake him. Then she heard his voice and stopped, peeking around the corner into the kitchen.

  He was swaying back and forth with their daughter gazing adoringly into his face from the cradle of his arms. “I’m going to do my best to make sure your life is awesome, but it won’t always be. Those are the times you need to dance in the kitchen the most. It’s good for your soul.”

  Beth sighed and leaned her head against the corner of the wall, as enchanted as Lily by the soft, tender timbre of his voice.

  “You don’t even need music,” he told Lily. “You can dance to the music in your head. Hopefully not to that country-and-western shit your mother listens to, though. Oh…damn. Don’t say shit, Lily-bean. Or if you do and Mommy hears you, don’t tell her you heard it from me, okay? Tell her Uncle Mike said it.”

  She might have giggled if her throat wasn’t all clogged with emotion. Seeing Kevin with Lily always made her feel blessed, but this moment—this was an intensely private moment between a father and his baby daughter and she shouldn’t be eavesdropping.

  Backing slowly out of sight, she turned into the bathroom and made some noise flushing the toilet and brushing her teeth. When she walked back into the kitchen, Lily was in her bouncy chair and Kevin was setting two steaming mugs of coffee on the table. He smiled at her and Lily kicked her feet, making herself bounce.

  “Morning, sunshine.” He pulled out her chair for her.

  “Thanks…for everything.” She sat and wrapped her hands around the mug. “You didn’t have to stay. I just needed a good nap, that’s all.”

  “No, a good night’s sleep is what you needed. And we had it all under control, didn’t we, Lily-bean?”

  The baby kicked her feet and blew a raspberry at him.

  “Don’t listen to her. All under control.” He sat in the chair opposite her and took a sip of his coffee. “I should probably tell you there’s a diaper out in the hall, though, because I didn’t think the trashcan lid would hold it. It was…gruesome.”

  “So you put it in the hallway?”

  “It was either there or the freezer.”

  “Hallway works.”

  They were quiet a few minutes, drinking their coffee and watching Lily kick her feet. A quiet family moment, she thought. Almost like they were a real family.

  And they could be. She knew all she had to do was say the word and Kevin would have her down at city hall signing a m
arriage license so fast she’d be lucky if she got her shoes on.

  Last night, while she was exhausted and crying and Lily was exhausted and crying, she’d asked herself why she was going through it alone. Right across the hall was a stand-up guy who’d treat them like princesses and shoulder his share of the burden. Hell, probably a good chunk of her share, too, because that’s just the kind of man he was.

  If only there was some way to separate their relationship from Lily. She wished they’d had more than one date before the baby sideswiped them, changing everything forever. There wasn’t any way to untangle him as himself or as Dad, or her as herself or as Mom.

  She and Kevin had been bed partners. They were friends. Most importantly, they were co-parents. But were they lovers? Not in the sexual sense, but were they two people whose relationship was based on love? No matter what he said, she couldn’t be sure.

  “You look better,” Kevin told her, and she was startled to realize she’d been staring into the bottom of her empty coffee mug.

  “I feel better. The last couple of nights have been a little tough.” When he opened his mouth, she held up her hand to stop him. “Yes, I should have dragged you out of bed and handed her over.”

  “We’ve been together—or non-together or whatever you want to call it—a long time now, Beth. I don’t know what else I can do to make you believe you don’t have to go it alone.”

  “I’m trying.”

  He looked sad more than anything. Beaten. “A year. It’s been almost an entire year and sometimes I don’t feel like we’re closer to…anything, than when we started.”

  “Please don’t do this right now.”

  “Then when?”

  “When I’m not a wreck. When I’ve had more than six consecutive hours of sleep in a month. I don’t know, but not right now.”

  “And then she’ll be teething and then it’ll be something else.”

  “I can’t do any more than this, Kevin.”

  “Maybe you could see about my mom watching Lily so we could go out for dinner.”

  “It’s too soon.” She stood and walked toward the coffeemaker so she wouldn’t have to see his face. “How about I make us some breakfast?”