Last Chance

by Lauren Runow

  "I think I have a boyfriend."

  "Shut up!" She squeals like a little girl. "This quick? How? And how is this so big it wasn't on your list? You've had boyfriends before."

  I’m nervous as hell, but here we go. "I've had this massive crush on someone for years, and not only has he finally noticed me, but I think he really likes me."

  "Whoa, are you serious? Who is this mystery guy you’ve kept secret from me?"

  "Don't be mad or weirded out...." I hold up my hands, ready to calm her down if need be.

  "Wait...." She tilts her head and holds up a finger.

  I pause, squinting my eyes and scared for her reaction.

  "No," she says, shaking her head. "Ew, no."

  I nod and smile. "I've been so in love with him for many years."

  "With my brother?" She stands, shaking her body to rid the thought.

  I can't help but laugh. "Yes, and oh my god, it's been unreal and—"

  "Stop." She waves her hands in the air. "I don't want to know." She shivers.

  "Please say you're not mad," I plead.

  "I'm disgusted, yes, but mad?" She sighs. "No. It's just." She sits on the bed crossed-legged. "Does he know about… you know?"

  "No. I'm not sure he needs to know yet."

  She lets out a harsh breath. "Without getting too detailed, and please don't, tell me what's happened between you two. Is this a little fling or what?"

  My eyes brighten at the memory of our conversation this morning. "I'm pretty sure it's more. We've spent every night together, and I stayed—" She holds up a hand, stopping me, and I chuckle. "Let's just say it's been really good, and we even talked about telling you and how he wants to pursue this relationship."

  "Did he actually use the word relationship?"

  "Well, no but we were using the term us."

  She sags in defeat. "Mackenzie, you need to tell him. He doesn't do us, shit, he could really be into you. You need to tell him. He's my brother, Kenzie. I can't keep this from him. No matter how much he annoys the shit out of me sometimes, I love him, and I don't want to see him get hurt. He's already been through that once."

  "I'll tell him. Just give me a few days. Let me enjoy this for a while longer."

  I sigh, not wanting my high to go away yet. I’m being super selfish, but I don’t want to stop whatever we have going on. That’s not fair to me either, and I can see a ton of guys doing just that. Who wants to be with a sick girl?

  I stare into space, my high melting away almost instantly. Is Connor that kind of guy?

  "Hey. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone there. Even though I don’t understand what you see in him, I'm happy you're happy. But did you really say you'd had a crush on him for years?" she teases.

  I throw a pillow at her. "He's hot. And holy cow, so amazing in bed!"

  "Ahh!" She covers her ears. "La la la la, I didn't hear that." She laughs and walks over to give me a hug.

  "Is this how my life is going to go now? If I want to see my best friend, it will include my brother too?" Tracy asks as we head toward a table at a bar Connor said had great burgers and music.

  "Yes, and you’ll be happy for said best friend too," I jokingly chastise.

  Connor enters minutes after we do, and to my surprise and delight, he greets me with a quick peck.

  "Really?" Tracy huffs but winks at me. "Hey, bro." She stands to give him a hug.

  "What's up, squirt?" he responds rubbing her head.

  "You actually like this guy?" she asks, fixing her hair.

  I look at Connor, and he smiles in return. "Yeah, I do."

  His lips touch mine again, and Tracy yells for the waiter, announcing, "I need a drink over here please."

  Our dinner is the most fun I've had in a long time. We tell stories of our childhood and laugh until our sides hurt. When the band starts playing, Connor pulls me onto the dance floor. He tugs me close, one hand holding mine, the other wrapped around my waist.

  We dance, as I drop my head to his chest and let him lead me through the song. A happiness like this is something I've never experienced. I feel whole for the first time in my life.

  My eyes open and meet Tracy's. I wish the look on her face matched the feelings in my heart. I silently plead for her forgiveness and blessing. She's torn, and it breaks my heart to put her in this situation.

  It's not long after our dance that Tracy says she's tired. Connor pays for our tab, and we stroll back to our place. She goes inside while Connor and I say goodbye at my door.

  "Is she pissed about us?" Connor asks.

  "Nah, she was grossed out, but I think tonight was fun."

  "Me too. Sad you can't come home with me." He shoots me a panty-melting smile, and I swear they actually melt, but I push him away.

  "I should stay with her. She goes back to college in a few days. I'll see you tomorrow though?"

  He kisses me. "You bet. I'll call you in the morning."

  "Okay, night."

  He winks as he walks away and it physically pains me that I can't go with him. When I enter, I notice none of my roommates are home and Tracy’s sitting on my couch, anxiously awaiting me. She tilts her head, motioning for me to sit down.

  "Kenzie, you know I love you, right?" She reaches for my hand and blinks away tears.

  I nod, fearful where this is going.

  She gathers her thoughts. "Obviously I've known my brother forever. Though I talk shit, and we mess with each other when we’re together, I know him better than anyone else. Crap." She drops her head back against my couch. "I watched you two tonight. The way he looked at you at dinner, the way he touched your thigh or shoulder. Then during your dance." Tears fall, but she doesn't wipe them away. "He's in love with you. There's no doubt in my mind. I've never seen him look at anyone like he did you tonight. Not even Sarah."

  My eyes spill over, and I try to cover them before I completely lose it.

  "You have to tell him. This can't go on without him knowing the truth."

  "How? How do I tell him?" My hands cover my face.

  "I don't know." She wraps her arms around me. "I just don't know," she cries into my shoulder.

  12

  Dear Diary,

  Tracy thinks I’m being selfish. Being with Connor is something I’ve wanted for what feels like my entire life. He’s the only guy I’ve ever thought about this way. Is it that wrong? I just want to be happy, and he’s giving me that, but why does my heart break as I write this?

  Mackenzie

  Mackenzie

  My eyes widen when I wake up the next morning to see Nick sneaking out of Katy’s room.

  “Well, good morning,” I say, catching him off guard.

  He shines me a shit-eating grin with a nod to his head before Katy follows directly behind him.

  They head straight for the door where their goodbye lasts longer than any normal one should. Afterward, Katy joins us in the kitchen with a huge smile covering her face.

  “Fun night?” I ask trying to bite back my laugh making Tracy almost spit out her coffee.

  “Fun two nights,” she replies over her coffee mug before she takes a sip.

  I fill Tracy in on who Nick is before Katy changes the subject. “What’s up with you two today?”

  Tracy looks at me in question, not sure how to answer that without explaining everything else in my life. When our eyes meet I reply, “I thought we’d go get breakfast then we’re going to head downtown, maybe check out some shopping.”

  It’s not a total lie. We are heading downtown just for something that not many people ever have or even want to experience. Today we’re checking off another box.

  Tracy and I have been dancing for years together and when I told her I wanted to audition for the San Francisco’s production of The Nutcracker she said she would go with me and try out as well.

  At our age we both know it’s a lost hope but that doesn’t stop me. I don’t need to be in the show, I just want to be up on stage, even if it’s only for a few minute
s.

  “Well, you guys have fun. I’ve got to go get ready. Will you stay another night, Tracy?”

  “No, I have to head back today.”

  Katy gives Tracy a hug. “It was so nice meeting you. We’re sure happy your hot brother introduced us to Mackenzie.”

  “God, what is it with everyone on Connor’s jock around here?” She shivers with a laugh and Katy joins in.

  “Have fun today,” Katy says as she walks back to her room.

  I search for the time and my stomach flips when I see we have to get going. Tracy sees my flutter and asks, “You ready?”

  I nod, taking a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

  When we arrive, there’s a room full of girls stretching and perfecting their pliés. I say girls because that’s exactly what they are. The oldest girl here looks sixteen and is a stark difference to our age but I try to shake it off.

  Tracy and I dress in our ballet shoes and join them in preparation for the chance of a lifetime. Her name is called first and she jumps up. “Wish me luck,” she laughs.

  I love that she’s here with me. Doing this ridiculous thing but not caring one bit. Her support means everything. I wish I could watch her audition but only the judges are allowed in the auditorium.

  A few minutes later, she comes leaping out of the room with the biggest smile covering her face. “Ahhh!” she screams. “That was so amazing!” Her arms wrap around mine hugging me tightly. “I can’t thank you enough for having me do that.”

  “How did you do?”

  She laughs. “Oh, I bombed it but I don’t care. It was incredible being on that stage.”

  “Mackenzie Thomas,” I hear someone call my name.

  “You’re up. Go knock ‘em dead,” Tracy says, giving me another hug.

  I close my eyes, take a deep breath and head into what I thought was my biggest dream when I was a little girl.

  As I open the door, lights caress the stage, inviting me to the center. The judges sit ten rows back, patiently waiting for my music to begin.

  I’ve been practicing but nothing could prepare me for this moment. I’m nervous, anxious and scared shitless but when the music starts all of that fades away. My body moves with the music, fluidly and softly.

  I twirl and leap and bounce around the stage, living my dream for this one moment. I feel so alive, so light, as if I’m floating on a cloud.

  I end the audition in a dramatic bow and the applause I get from the judges is all I need. Check that box off with a thick red mark.

  Connor

  The freeness washing over me as I sit at work is one I haven't felt in years. It's pure happiness, and it extends to every aspect of my life.

  I can't believe I've fallen so hard for Mackenzie, but I totally have. It's not like I just met her. I've known her for years, and I'm shocked I'd been so blind.

  Even though I'm working on a really tough case, I have a smile on my face the entire day.

  Around two there's a knock on my office door. It’s Tracy.

  "Hey, sis, you heading home?" I ask, pushing away my laptop.

  "Yup. Do you have a minute?"

  I sense something's up. "Please don't tell me this is about Mackenzie and me. Look, I know she's your best friend, but we've just… I'm not sure what's going on, but it's good. I really like her—"

  "She's sick." She stands behind a chair, gripping it like she needs the strength it might give her.

  I close my eyes for a brief moment, confused. "Huh?"

  She sits. "I shouldn't be the one to tell you, but I'm afraid it's going to be too hard for her to do it. She really likes you. Like, really, really likes you."

  "I'd say the feeling is mutual." I lean back, letting everything she’s saying sink in.

  "I feel like I'm letting my friend down by going behind her back, but you're my brother, and I can't stand here and watch, knowing what I know."

  "How serious is this sickness?"

  "She has a brain tumor. She moved to San Francisco to be in a case study, but as of right now there's no cure. They've given her twelve to fifteen months to live."

  Tears slip from my sister's eyes, and I can't help mine from doing the same.

  We sit in silence. What can be said? I found someone, someone I really enjoyed spending time with, and now this?

  My first reaction is from the lawyer in me. There’s got to be something I can do, something I can research, but a tumor must mean she has cancer, and the word cancer is all the truth I need.

  That one word, the most vile word in the English language. The word that has ripped so many lives to shreds, caused so many heartaches, and cut way too many lives short.

  I don’t want to believe what I’m hearing. I keep repeating in my head that it’s not possible. I was with her last night and for the past week. How could I have no clue?

  It only takes one look at my sister’s face to tell me that it’s really happening, and the girl who has pushed her way into my life is dying. My life shatters into a million pieces.

  "I'm so sorry." She finally breaks the silence. "I really thought you should know. I saw the way you looked at her, and I could tell you were falling hard. I just don't want you to get hurt."

  I nod trying to breathe even though my chest feels like it’s been hit with a brick. "Tell me the details," I ask, picking up a pen to take notes. I need to research it fully so I can be prepared.

  "It's a glioblastoma tumor. I guess it has all these fingers or vine-type things that wrap around your brain, slowly eating it away. That's why they can't just go in and remove it. It's too big and too intertwined. She had surgery a few months ago and they were able to get most of it except for the little fingers. Her symptoms mostly went away after the surgery, but they say it’s only a matter of time before they reappear."

  "But she's in a study? So they think they might have a cure?"

  The word cure makes me choke up. I hold me breath, praying she gives me the answer I want.

  "They said it's a long shot, because it's still so unknown, but she felt it was worth the risk. It was the study, or go through all kinds of treatments, knowing they would only prolong her life for a limited time and she would still die. The medication would make her sick, and she didn’t want to be miserable the last months of her life."

  I press my lips together, saddened by the thought of her living like this. I wouldn’t want to go through those treatments either, especially if I had been given a death sentence.

  All alone too.

  The idea of her keeping this from me works its way into my brain. We’ve only spent a short time together, but I feel we were really getting to know each other. Yet she’s been keeping this life-altering secret the entire time.

  I rub my eyes, trying to imagine what’s been going through her head.

  "She's made this list.” Tracy blurts out, breaking into my thoughts. “It's basically a bucket list, but more her style. Did she seek you out in some way?"

  I let out a quick laugh. "Um, yeah, we won't go there."

  "Ew, god, please don't." She fake gags. "You must have been on her list. She said she's had a crush on you for years. I don't understand why." She grins, and I can't help but laugh. "Who knows what she truly wanted out of this, with you, but I guess it’s good to say you've helped check off a pretty big box on her list. I should thank you for that. I just want her to be happy. And dammit, she was the happiest I've ever seen her last night.”

  "I appreciate you looking out for me, I really do, but I'm a big boy. I can take it, and you know what, for her…." I pause. "I think she's worth it. What did Mom always say to us? 'You would have missed the dance?'" Paraphrasing from her favorite Garth Brooks song, The Dance. There may be pain but the dance before it is worth it.

  Hm, I guess I lied to Mackenzie earlier. I do know one country song.

  "I love you, brother. You know that, right?" she says, and I laugh. "No, seriously. You make me proud to call you my brother sometimes." She gets up and comes over to hug me.
>
  "Thanks for telling me," I say, trying stop the sting hitting the back of my eyes.

  She nods and slips out of my office.

  I have no clue what I'm going to do now, but first thing first. I need to call my friend, Alan. We recently had a bit of a fight when I thought I had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. It was a long messy thing, and looking back I realize how he must've felt.

  We've only spoken a few times since then, but he's a forth-year resident at UCSF, and hopefully he'll be able to fill me in on everything I need to know.

  "Connor?" he answers, sounding confused to see my name flashing across his screen.

  "Yeah. I hope I caught you at a good time, because I need your help." He must sense the seriousness in my voice because I can hear him remove himself from the echo that was originally surrounding him.

  "You know I'm here for you. What do you need?"

  "You're never going to believe this shit. I found my dream girl, and I was just told she has a brain tumor."

  "Connor...." he sighs into the phone. "Are you serious?"

  "Unfortunately, yes." I sigh. "Can we meet for drinks tonight, let me pick your brain?"

  "Of course. I'm off at six. Same place as always?"

  "Yeah. Thanks, man," I reply with a sense of relief.

  "No prob. See you then." He hangs up.

  When I walk into our favorite place, Alan’s sitting at the bar alone, drinking beer from a bottle. It’s been awhile since we’ve gotten together, and it’s nice we can go right back to where we were before everything blew up.

  He stands to shake my hand and give me a side hug.

  "Thanks for meeting me, Alan."

  "Anytime. I’ve missed you. How have you been?"

  We used to be close friends… that is until Amy stormed into our lives.

  "I've been really good actually. Long story short, I think I'm in love, and get this, it's my little sister's best friend." I hit his arm like guys do.

  "Tracy's?" he asks in disbelief.

  "Yep. There's kind of a crazy story behind it, but none of that matters now. I just found out she has something called a glioblastoma."