by Lauren Runow
I ran to the store and bought one of those early detection kits. I read somewhere that it worked better with your first morning pee so I held it, and now I feel like I'm going to burst, I have to go so bad.
After running up the stairs to our apartment, I race to the bathroom and sit, staring at a little pink stick that will decide my future.
A part of me feels bad not waiting for Connor, but when I got the idea of surprising him in a cute way, that was all I needed to push me toward buying the test.
Pacing, I look at the stick for what feels like the hundredth time, dying for it to say something. Anything! The little timer just keeps turning, spinning around while it slowly tortures me.
It clicks, changing to words, and my heart sinks. Instantly I close my eyes, too nervous to see what it says. I wish Connor was here so he could read the stick.
I psych myself up, trying to remember that it’s still early, and even if it says I’m not, that doesn’t mean I never will be. It just means not yet.
Yes. That’s it. I’m going with that.
After a deep breath, I open my eyes to see written in front of me:
Pregnant
My hands cover my mouth as drops of water flow down my cheeks. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen, yet here I am, about to have a baby with the only man I’ve ever truly loved.
Connor
“Come in,” I announce after someone knocks on my office door.
I’m so engrossed in the research I’m doing on my computer that I don’t bother to see who it is. I’m on to something big here, and I think I may have just had a breakthrough with a client who’s being blackmailed.
“I brought you some coffee,” I hear the sweetest voice say.
Even though I don’t want to stop, I’m elated to see my wife surprise me at work. It’s still so crazy to say that.
My boss was shocked when I told him. They were all happy for me and suggested I take time off for a honeymoon, which I hope to plan soon.
“Thank you, baby,” I say, reaching for the mug, curious as to what’s going on.
She didn’t bring me Starbucks or coffee from any local shop. No, she is handing me a white mug, like the one I use at home. She tries to hide her laugh making me think she’s trying to pull one over on me.
“Should I be afraid to drink this or something? Are you trying to get rid of me already?” I tease.
She playfully hits my chest. “No, silly. Look at the mug,” she says tilting her head down toward my hand.
I read what it says and almost spill the contents all over my laptop when I see the words We have a winner and what looks like little sperm swimming around and a lucky one entering a circle.
“Are you serious?” I ask, setting the mug down and wrapping my arms around her.
She nods excitedly. “How do you want to celebrate, Daddy?”
My lips crash with hers, absolutely thrilled by the news.
Mackenzie
“How’s my new son-in-law doing?” Mom asks giving Connor a hug when we enter her house later that night.
“I’m great. How could I not be with her by my side?” he responds and turns to me, winking.
“Can I get you anything to drink?”
In the kitchen, Connor and I sit at the breakfast bar and my mom gets a beer from the fridge for Connor and offers me a glass of chardonnay.
I glance at Connor, grinning from ear to ear.
He laughs. “You better tell her before you explode.”
“Is Dad here?” I ask.
“I’m here,” he announces, appearing from the hallway. “Hi, sweetheart.” He embraces me in the same hug I’ve always gotten, one that offers comfort and safety in his arms.
We move to the living room, and I take a seat on their couch, turning to Connor before bringing in a deep breath and saying, “I’m pregnant!” Connor reaches out to hold my hand.
“You’re what?” Mom asks, not in the tone I expected at all.
“I’m only a few weeks, but can you believe it? We’re going to have a baby.” I try to keep up my joy, but the look on my parents’ faces is killing it.
“Mackenzie….” Dad is shocked.
“Have you spoken to your doctor yet?” Mom asks.
“Well, no. I wanted to tell you guys first. We just found out today,” I say, deflated.
“Did you not take precautions? Did you actually… plan this?” she accuses.
“Jean,” Connor starts, but I place a hand on his knee, quieting him so I can speak.
“Yes, we did. We want this child.”
“How could you possibly say that? Kenzie, you’re sick. How could you bring a baby into this world, knowing you won’t be here to raise it?”
I’m stunned into silence. I look at my dad, hoping he has a different reaction, but he’s just standing there, stone cold silent and looking scared.
“You’re being selfish, can’t you see that? How is that fair to this baby? How is that fair to Connor?”
“I want this child,” Connor says, standing up for his feelings. “It was my idea, not hers. We thought you would be happy for us.”
“Happy? Why would I be happy, knowing my grandchild is going to be motherless?” Tears start to fall and she excuses herself, leaving us staring at each other.
“Daddy?” I plead.
“Baby girl”—he lets out a long sigh—“I have to say I agree with your mom on this. I don’t think it’s right that you bring a child into this world in your condition. And Connor, I admire your love for my daughter, but you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. You’ll be alone. How will you work? Who will watch the baby? Is it even safe for you to be pregnant, Mackenzie?”
“Single dads do it every day. I’m not concerned one bit,” Connor says with no hesitation. “If I don't get to spend the rest of my life with her, I’m honored she would give me this gift as my forever.”
His arm wraps around me, encasing me protectively, showing my dad he’s ready to be the man I need, taking over his role as my protector.
“We’re happy this has happened, and we hope one day you will be too. This is what we want for our family, one we hoped you would be a big part of for years to come,” Connor finishes, giving my dad no room to argue.
“Your mother and I are just worried for you, Kenzie. Your illness has taken a big toll on us. She only wants what’s best for you.” Dad sits next to me, placing his hand over mine.
I don’t respond. Instead I stand up to search for my mom. Walking down the hallway I hear the sound of crying from her room.
“Mom?” I ask, opening the door slightly.
“My baby…,” she whispers through her sobs. I move to sit next to her. “I’m so sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. It’s just—”
“I know, but I really want this baby,” I say, holding on to her hand.
Her eyes meet mine, and I can’t stop the tears from filling my eyes. I can’t imagine what she’s going through. I’m starting to understand though. It isn’t supposed to happen this way.
I place a hand on my belly, feeling a sudden urge to protect the life within. She must feel so helpless, not being able to protect me from my fate. I’m her baby, her only baby.
Her hand covers mine. “This should be the happiest day. I’m going to be a grandma,” she says. “I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you.”
“But this way you’ll still have me,” I say, making her cry harder. My hand flips to grip hers more. “Shouldn’t I get to experience all the joys of life?”
She nods, pulling me in for a hug.
“I’m really happy, Mom. Please be happy for us.”
“I am. I truly am.”
She pulls back, holding my head in her hands. “My baby’s going to be a mom.”
I’m going to be a mom.
24
Dear Diary,
I’m trying to ignore the symptoms, but they are there. I’m afraid to tell anyone. Please tell me they’ll go away? Please.
Mackenzie
“I still can’t believe that’s my niece or nephew you’re carrying around in there,” Tracy says, rubbing my belly in greeting.
I’m about twenty weeks pregnant, and my belly is starting to get past that “I look fat stage” and people can tell I’m having a baby now. We get to find out the sex next week, and I couldn’t be more excited.
“My brother better be waiting on you hand and foot.”
“He is. The other day he painted my toenails. I couldn’t stop laughing, because I can still do it myself but he said he wanted practice for when I couldn’t do it anymore.”
She smiles warmly. “I’m glad he’s making you so happy. I truly am.”
I grin as I sit down at the table where Tracy and I are having lunch.
“So how are you feeling?” she asks.
“I’m good,” I lie, and she gives me a questioning look. “I mean, I’m as good as I can be. I get a little bored at times, since there isn’t much for me to do. Connor tries to keep me busy when he’s not working. But enough about me. What’s going on with Scott?”
That changes the subject, and she is all too happy to tell me how serious they’re getting. I’m glad to hear they’re doing so well. He seems like a good guy, and he’s put up with enough shit by Connor, passing all his tests so far.
As I eat, I feel a constant need to move my left leg, feeling the strangest tingle and numbness through it. I move around, trying to not let it bother me, and hoping it’s just a pinched nerve.
“What’s the rest of your day look like?” I ask Tracy as I reach for my purse, ready to leave the restaurant after we’re finished with our meal.
I stand and find myself instantly reaching for the table for support but miss and tumble toward the floor.
“Mackenzie,” Tracy yells and lunges for me, trying to break my fall.
I end up in her arms, holding on for dear life. My leg seems to have completely gone out on me.
“Are you okay? What happened?” she asks.
She helps me back in my chair before I respond, “I don’t know. My leg was bothering me while I sat here but when I stood I lost all feeling and I couldn’t hold myself up.”
No matter how much I try to push the thought out of my head, it’s creeping up and threatening to take over, and I can’t control it anymore. The only reason I found the tumor was because my toe, then my foot, went numb. Having my entire leg feel like that is not a good sign.
The look on her face is the same fear I hold down every day.
I spend the next few minutes moving it around and stretching it out, trying to get feeling back into it. It takes a while, but I slowly regain my strength and am able to walk out on my own. Tracy stays by my side, just in case.
Once I’m seated in my car, she squats so she can look me in the eye. “Does this happen often?”
“No, this is the first time.”
“Are you noticing other symptoms?”
I don’t answer and bite the inside of my lip.
Her shoulders sag visibly. “Have you told Connor?”
“There wasn’t much to tell him until today.” I shrug, trying to defend my actions.
“It’s not just you anymore though. That’s my niece or nephew you have in there. You need to protect him or her too.” She places a hand on my belly. “Promise me you’ll talk to him and your doctor.”
I nod, keeping my mouth shut, afraid I’ll cry if I open it to speak.
“I love you, sis,” she says and we both giggle. I love it when she calls me that.
I go straight to my oncologist's office. I don’t have an appointment, but my doctor said I could call anytime, and I’m hoping he’ll have time to talk to me for a few minutes.
“Hello, can I get your name?” the receptionist asks as I approach her desk.
“I’m sorry. I don’t have an appointment. I’m Mackenzie Hayden. I’m a patient of Dr. Shaw’s. I was hoping I could talk to him for just a few minutes.”
“Go ahead and take a seat. I’ll see if he can squeeze you in.”
I choose the chair next to a side table and pick up copy of People, hoping it will keep my mind busy and my nerves calm.
I wait long enough to get bored, and then the receptionist calls me back to Dr. Shaw’s office and leaves me alone to wait. There are no magazines here so I twitch and checkout the decor, getting nervous again.
“Mackenzie,” he says when he finally joins me. “This is a surprise. Is everything okay?” He sits behind his desk and waits for me to speak.
“No, it’s not.” I tell him what happened at lunch with Tracy, not hiding my fear and being completely honest with him.
His face falls, and he sits back with a sigh. My stomach drops, telling me all I need to know without saying a word. We sit in silence until he purses his lips together and leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk. “I’m sorry to hear this. I was hoping you wouldn’t get to this point for a few more months. How far along are you now?”
“Twenty weeks.”
He nods, tapping his fingers on the desk. When we told him I was pregnant, he didn’t have the best reaction. Originally he’d advised against it, since they didn’t know how fast my tumor would grow and whether or not pregnancy hormones would accelerate that.
I went through more tests and since the laser treatment was still proving affective, I’d secretly hoped everything would stay as is for the rest of my life.
“I don’t really know what to tell you until we do an MRI,” he says.
“No,” I reply instantly.
“Mackenzie, we have ways to protect your child. We’ll do the MRI without contrast. It's the safest imaging for a pregnant woman. Until I know what’s going on, I can’t guide you on how to proceed.”
“Tell me this first…. These symptoms aren’t a good sign, are they?”
He takes a deep breath. “No.”
“Is there anything you can do if I get this scan, and the results aren’t what we want to hear?”
“Surgery, maybe. It all depends on what part of your tumor is causing the issues.”
“Maybe?”
“Yeah, maybe. My fear is one of the portions we couldn’t get has grown and is wrapping around your brain even more.”
“You promise it’s safe for the baby?” I ask to make sure.
“It won’t affect your child in any way. Do you have time today? Let’s get you downstairs for the scan, and we can talk about our options once we know more.”
I nod and he leads me to another part of the building.
Words can’t express what’s going through my mind. When tests were first run all those months ago, I wondered what would happen to me and worried about school. Now, looking back, everything I was concerned about then seems trivial.
All that matters is making sure the baby is safe. For the first time since I found out I had cancer, I honestly don’t care what happens to me, as long as my child is going to be okay. My life has completely different meaning now.
A fear I’ve never felt washes through me and I’m not sure what’s worse at this point, knowing or not knowing.
25
Dear Diary,
I got a phone call from my doctor this morning. My MRI didn’t go so well. The tumor is growing, and the doctor wants us to come in to talk. I’m scared to tell Connor. I know I need to, but I didn’t want to worry him until I had all the details. I want to focus on the good things happening. We get to find out what we’re having today, so I’ll tell him soon. I promise.
Mackenzie
Connor
My boss let me take a few hours off today so I could be at Mackenzie’s doctor appointment. He has two daughters and didn’t want me missing out on any part of my growing family.
I walk into the doctor’s office and Mackenzie is already sitting there, reading a magazine. I can’t believe this girl I’ve known for years is not only my wife, but she’s carrying my child. The bump she’s sporting puts an ins
tant smile on my face every time I see her.
I sit next to her, leaning in for a kiss. We’re called back fairly quickly where they have Kenzie sit in a chair next to a big screen.
I hold her hand, more anxious than I’ve ever been in my life.
“You guys ready to see your baby?” the technician asks, and I have to swallow hard.
Mackenzie giggles, “We’re a little excited. I hope you’ll be able to tell us what we’re having.”
“Most of the time we can, so let’s do all the measurements and such, then we’ll get to the fun stuff.”
She squeezes gel onto Kenzie’s belly, and as soon as the wand is rolled around, spreading the goo, an image appears on the monitor. The small body, round head, and tiny nose on the black-and-white screen almost do me in.
“Say hello to our baby,” Mackenzie says, squeezing my hand and grinning.
I stare in awe at the life inside her belly. The life we created; the forever I won’t have with her, but I will have for us.
My heart aches for Mackenzie but also sings with joy—two emotions I didn’t know were possible to have at the same time.
The technician measures the head and vital organs, and shows us the strong heartbeat flashing on the screen.
My mind is completely silent as I stare at the fast pace heartbeat of a tiny human being inside my girl’s belly. Amazement crashes over me when I think I made that. I planted the seed which grew a little person inside the woman I’m helplessly in love with.
Miracles definitely exist.
I look at Mackenzie. Why can’t a miracle happen for her too?
My lips instinctively lean into hers; needing the comfort they offer me before I lose it completely.
“Oh my gosh,” Mackenzie suddenly says, pulling away and scaring the daylights out of me. “I felt that!” On the screen our baby turns. “Yes, that. I felt that!”
Tears run down her face and I have to blink mine away a few times. I can’t believe this is really happening. That’s our baby. I’m going to be a father.
