by Lauren Runow
“Are you ready to know what you’re having?” the technician asks.
Our eyes get big and I grab Kenzie’s hand as she says, “It’s a girl, isn’t it?”
She smiles. “Yes. Congratulations, you’re having a girl.”
“I knew it! I could feel it deep within that she was a girl. Connor.”
She turns to me and I can’t help it anymore. Tears flow down my face at the thought of having a little girl; my baby girl.
Knowing I’ll have a part of Mackenzie, someone who will hopefully look just like her, pushes me over the edge and almost brings me to my knees.
When our eyes meet, she laughs. “I hope those are tears of joy,” she teases.
I wipe my cheeks. “Definitely tears of joy. She’ll be just like you, I know it.”
She tilts her head and pulls me in for a kiss.
“Thank you for giving me this,” I whisper, placing my forehead against hers. “That’s our baby girl…. My forever with you.” A sob slips out, and Mackenzie cups my face.
“Our forever,” she affirms.
Mackenzie
Connor had to go back to work after my appointment so I was alone when I got home. My emotions started to quickly take over and I couldn’t help but cry into my pillow.
I’m excited, sure. Who wouldn’t be? I’m having a baby, a girl at that. I can’t wait to meet her, hold her in my arms, and feel her warmth against me. But then I think about how much I’m going to miss: her first steps, first words, first everything.
I place my hand over my belly and can’t help whispering, “I’m so sorry I won’t be here for you. I’m sorry to bring you into this world, knowing you won’t have a mom.”
Suddenly it’s hard to breathe, and I start to hyperventilate so I drop to my back, taking in deep breaths to calm my nerves. Is Mom right? Am I being selfish? How can I have a baby, knowing I won’t be here for her?
I feel better knowing Tracy will be such a huge part of her life. She’ll be there every step of the way being more of a mom than aunt to her. Guilt washes over me for making her take on that role when she didn’t sign up for this.
I will forever be there, and no one will erase or take my spot in her life, but that thought makes me cry even more.
When I look at the clock, I see it’s five thirty, and Connor should be home soon. I clean myself up and put on a brave face.
At six he opens the door, holding a bag. “How are my girls?” he asks, kissing my lips and my belly.
The instant smile on my face warms my heart and calms my worry. “We’re good. What’s in the bag?”
“I bought our daughter her first outfit,” he announces, beaming with pride.
I laugh and take it from him. Inside are pink leggings and a shirt that says Pretty like Mommy on it.
The waterworks return without warning, and I have to put down the outfit and run to our bedroom.
“Baby,” Connor calls after me, following me into the room.
I lay down on our bed and weep. Connor doesn’t say a word, just curls up behind me, holding me tightly.
“I’m scared,” I admit for the first time out loud since I found out I had cancer.
“Me too,” he whispers. “But I’m here. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re alone. I want our daughter more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life. This is right. Her birth is right.”
“But she won’t have a mom.”
“Yes she will. She’ll always have you in every aspect of her life. When you’re not physically here, Tracy, my mom and your mom will be. Between your family and mine I’m not worried one bit that she’ll not feel the love of a mother. She’s our miracle. The gift you gave us all.”
I snuggle against him, resting my head on his chest, feeling an overwhelming combination of joy, heartache, and happiness.
She is my gift. My gift to him.
26
Dear Baby Girl,
Today I start a new diary, one just for you. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and most of all my love. Even though I won’t be here physically, I hope these letters offer you a smile in times of need. I’ll always be by your side, I promise.
We found out yesterday you were a girl. You should have seen your father’s face—fear, love and ultimately protectiveness. He’ll never let anything bad happen to you. But the best part was the tears that filled his eyes. You’ve already brought so much happiness into our lives. If there is one thing I want you to know, it’s how much you are loved and wanted. You’ll always be our miracle, and I can’t wait to meet you.
Love,
Mom
Mackenzie
I didn’t want to discuss my doctor’s phone call yesterday, but the thought kept me up all night.
What if something happens to me? What if I don’t make it long enough to carry our daughter to term?
Every time the thought of not providing the life my daughter needs ran through my head I would start to panic.
How could I do this to her? What if she has life-long complications all because she was born too early?
After a completely sleepless night, my eyes are puffy and I feel like all I did was cry last night.
When Connor finally wakes up, I turn to him. “I have something to tell you.”
“Is everything okay?” he asks reaching out to cup my face, obviously concerned.
“I saw my doctor the other day.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have gone with you.”
“I know, but I didn’t want to worry you. He wants to talk to us though,” I whisper, still not sure I want to say it out loud
“What’s going on?” he asks, sitting up.
“I’ve been experiencing tingling in my left side, and a few times, I’ve lost my balance and felt really weak.”
He pulls me closer to him, and I curl against his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, stroking my hair.
“I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but if I said it out loud, it became real.”
“Can we go today?”
“I have an appointment over your lunch break. I’ll bring you a sandwich so you don't have to—”
He cuts me off. “I don’t care about work or missing lunch. I’ll be there.”
I reach up to kiss his lips and curl up into him again, enjoying our last few minutes in bed before he has to get ready.
Connor and I meet at my doctor’s, and he holds my hand as we sit in the office, awaiting his arrival.
“Dr. Shaw,” Connor stands, offering his hand when he walks in.
“Hello, Connor, Mackenzie,” he shakes my hand next, “I have good news and bad news for you.”
Connor squeezes my leg as we sit silently. I close my eyes, praying one last time that my fears aren’t my reality.
“I’m sorry, but your scan shows the tumor has grown—”
Instantly, I burst into tears, covering my face with my hands. Shaking my head back and forth, I whisper, “No, no, no, no,” through my sobs.
Connor wraps his arms around me.
“There’s more. The good news is I think we can do the surgery again.”
“You think? But what about my daughter?” I ask bluntly. That’s all I care about now. If I die, fine, but I have to at least make it long enough to get to where she needs to be to live a long, healthy life.
“She’ll be fine. The surgery won’t affect her. I won’t know until I see firsthand, but if everything goes smoothly, and we can take out as much as we did last time, I think we can get you a few more months.”
“What do you mean?” I ask in disbelief.
“I can’t promise anything, but if what I’m seeing is correct, we could remove the tumor and be right back to where we started a few months ago. As long as there’s no growth on those pesky little fingers, I’d say you’d still have a year or longer. We’ll know more once we can get inside, but things are looking good.”
Connor’s face lights up. He squeezes my leg again, and a wave of reli
ef floods through me. This is good. This is what I want. If I do this surgery, she’ll have more time to thrive and grow.
I try not to get my hopes up until I know it’s real, but a few more months could mean I get to be with our daughter for that much longer.
The thought brings me hope. “Let’s do it then,” I state with determination.
Connor wraps his arm around me, pulling me in tighter as we hold on to the hope that my doctor’s right.
My surgery is scheduled for a few days later, and I’ve been a wreck ever since we left the doctor’s office. Connor tried to keep things light, but I see it in his eyes. He’s as scared as I am.
As I lay in the hospital bed, waiting to be taken to the OR, it feels like my nerves are about to get the best of me. My chest aches, and every breath I take feels shallower. Connor rubbing my hand takes me out of a near panic attack.
“Just breathe, baby,” Connor whispers, leaning down to kiss my hand. “She’ll be okay.”
“You choose her, you hear me?” I state firmly.
“Don’t talk like that.”
“No, Connor. If anything goes wrong, take care of her first. Anything you need to do. Promise me.” My lips quiver. He needs to know there is no question in the matter. If it’s my life or hers, he needs to choose her.
His lips crash against mine, not saying anything. I feel the slight nod to his head and the choke in his throat when the doctor walks in.
“Are you ready, Mackenzie?”
Connor leans back, taking a deep breath and rubbing his eyes. I do the same before turning to my doctor and nodding.
As they roll me out of the room, I look at Connor, pausing for a moment to take in what my life has become. Here’s this man I have loved nearly my entire life and now he’s here with me, as my husband. I blow him a kiss and mouth “I love you,” hopefully not for the last time.
So many things run through my head as I’m wheeled into the operating room. The last time I was here felt so different. I was scared for many reasons. Now everything comes down to one thing. I place a hand on my belly, close my eyes, and think, This is for you, baby. We’ll meet soon, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, my sweet, sweet baby girl.
The next thing I remember is the feeling of Connor’s lips on mine. “Wake up, sweetie.”
I open my eyes only to blink them quickly shut again. On the third attempt I’m finally able to pierce the blur around me. I’m exhausted and my mind is confused.
“Is she waking up?” I hear my mom ask.
I feel the softness of her hand touch mine on the opposite side from Connor.
“Mom?” I whisper in confusion.
“I’m here, sweetheart.” She rubs my hand again.
Panic rushes over me as I remember where I am. “My baby?”
“She’s fine, Kenzie, and so are you,” Connor says, a quiver to his voice.
“She is?” I ask in disbelief. “The surgery didn’t affect her?” My chest aches, and I try to sit up, causing pain to rush through my head.
Connor rubs my arm as I place my head back on the pillow, wincing through the discomfort. “Yes, honey. And they were able to get a lot of the tumor. It’s amazing news, Kenzie. They couldn’t get it all but what they did get is going to give us—”
His voice cracks, and Mom cuts in. “Much more time, Kenzie. Much more.”
She rubs my hand again, and my heart sings. It worked. I can’t believe it. Everything the doctor said came true. I’ll not only be able to carry her full term, but I’ll also get to see at least some of my daughter’s firsts now.
Visions of what she’ll look like, what she’ll feel like when I hold her in my arms, and the smile she’ll give overwhelms me.
I’ll actually get to be a mom for longer than I ever expected.
A rush of both excitement and relief floods through me. I made it. She’s going to be okay.
27
Dear Baby Girl,
My belly is getting bigger and bigger which means so are you. Whoever said being pregnant is fun should be shot. I can’t sleep, I can’t sit comfortably, and my feet are starting to swell. The only thing that gets me through it is you. When I feel you move, my entire world brightens. You truly are a miracle, and I’m in awe that my imperfect body is creating something so perfect. When you stick your little foot out, pushing hard on my belly, I’m even more in love and can’t wait to meet you.
Super anxious,
Mom
Mackenzie
“I think everything is set up,” Tracy says, overlooking the table full of food for my baby shower.
“Ya think?” I joke.
The table is overloaded with every kind of finger food and salad you can think of. I learned quickly that when you get my mom, Connor’s mom and Tracy together to plan a baby shower, they don’t take half measures.
It’s not only the food either. The games, drinks, and party favors are extreme. I love that they’re having so much fun with the planning, because it’s helped take my mind off what’s going on.
I’m thirty-six weeks pregnant, and solely focusing on our baby. Unfortunately, my symptoms returned faster than the doctor anticipated. After running more tests, we were able to see that it’s the fingers within the tumor that are growing.
This of course was devastating news, since we already knew there was nothing the doctors could do to remove these portions. Even though my timeline changed, it’s still longer than what we originally expected. I thank God for every day I’m here and for every day she can grow more.
My headaches have gotten really bad, and I spend all day in bed so I can enjoy the few hours I have with Connor after he gets home from work. My left side has gotten weaker, so I stay off my feet as much as I can. They are hoping it’s the pregnancy that is causing my symptoms to worsen, but until I give birth, we wait.
Take my cancer issues, add the discomforts of pregnancy, and I’m pretty miserable, but then I feel her move and it’s all worth it again.
The party is at my parents’ house. Tracy picked me up this morning, and Connor is driving down later today. The doctor suggested I not drive anymore for long distances due to the weakness and drowsiness I’ve been experiencing.
As people start to arrive, I think about how they have each touched my life in some way. My mom’s friends are here, my friends from high school, as well as some of their moms and of course my girls from San Francisco.
As I open the gifts, each person tells a story about how they met me, or something funny they want to share.
“We were shocked when Connor told us he knew of someone looking for a place,” Chantel says.
“I’ll admit,” Robin butts in, “I only told him we were looking for a roommate for an excuse to talk to him,” she teases. “We had a bet going between the three of us on if he was gay or not.”
Everyone laughs until his mom asks, “Why in the world would you think he was gay?”
“Well, they both hoped he was.” Katy points to both Chantel and Robin. “They didn’t understand why he never flirted with any of us even though they tried, and believe me, they tried.”
“We didn’t try that hard,” Chantel defends herself. “But he never once brought a girl back to his place, at least that we saw, so we had these bets going.”
“We knew there was something special about Mackenzie,” Katy interjects. “I think even before Connor realized it himself. He talked her up something fierce. We knew she’d be perfect just by all the good things he said.”
The entire party awes at the same time, and I can’t help the huge grin on my face.
“We knew it the first time we saw you two together. There was something there and yes, I won every bet we put on you two — thank you very much.” She nods her head in pride.
I laugh, remembering the first night at my door, the awkwardness we shared when saying goodbye.
After wiping a tear from laughing at the memories, Tracy speaks up, “So do any of you girls have brothers here?” she ask
s rhetorically. “Because let me tell you how weird it is to learn that my best friend has had a crush on my brother for years. Years I tell you! I started to question her loyalty to me and wondered if she was only my friend to get a peek at my brother.” She shivers her playful disgust.
“But looking back at it now. I should’ve been setting this up the entire time because how cool that my best friend is also giving me a niece. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better sister-in-law.”
I blow a kiss to her before the next story begins.
After we’re back to our place, Connor hands me a card.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“I know this party was all about our daughter, so I wanted to do something special for you.” I can tell he’s nervous.
I rip open the envelope and pull out a handwritten letter.
Mackenzie,
You once said you wanted a love like the kind you hear about in songs. I may not be Sam Hunt, but I love you just as much as he loves the girl he wrote all his songs for. I won’t torture you by singing it, but I wanted to show you that you do have that love in me and always will. Thank you for showing me a love like that does exist. This song is for you.
Last Chance
It was dark until you lit up my sky
Sun shining down making me open my eyes
The girl who’s been there for so long
My life cracking until you made it strong.
At first I didn’t want to see the hold you had on me
I didn't want to believe until you gave me the key
Your arms wrapped around me tight
My story suddenly starting to rewrite.
This is my last chance to make it right
My last chance to prove to you
No matter what pain is ahead
You’re worth every path I’ve been led.
I tried to say nothing was happening
