Give a Little Love

by Cathy Woodman

  We returned to the car and with Declan’s help, I transferred to the passenger seat. He put the wheelchair in the back and drove me home. Once he’d parked on the verge alongside the brook, he hesitated.

  ‘We should go out for lunch to celebrate,’ he said.

  ‘What about Sally?’

  ‘She can come too. How about the Talymill Inn?’

  ‘That sounds great. It’ll be my treat to say thank you – I couldn’t have got through this without you.’

  ‘It’s no trouble. I’ve enjoyed it.’ He corrected himself quickly. ‘I mean I’ve enjoyed your company, through the bad and good times. It’s been pretty rough, but you’ve been brilliant. I wish I was half as strong as you are.’

  ‘I worry that I’ve taken up a lot of your time.’

  ‘I love spending time with you. Any excuse to hold your hand…’

  I was a little concerned about where this conversation was heading, especially when he reached down to unfasten my seatbelt. His fingers brushed against my arm, sending a shock of electricity through my core.

  ‘You needn’t do that,’ I said. ‘I’m perfectly capable.’

  ‘I know you are. It’s an excuse to do this…’ He leaned closer and pressed his lips to mine, and although a voice inside my head was screaming at me to stop, my heart found it impossible to resist. I kissed him back until the sound of Sally howling cut through my consciousness, bringing me back to reality.

  ‘Declan, no.’ I fumbled and pushed him away. ‘This isn’t a good idea.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry.’ He pulled back. ‘It’s all very well being professional and all that, but when I’m with you every day, and I see what you’re going through…’

  ‘You’re emotionally involved. I understand.’

  ‘You sound very cold,’ he said quietly.

  ‘I have to be,’ I countered. ‘I’m the mature one here. I have to be the voice of reason.’ I leaned towards him and kissed him briefly on the lips. ‘That was amazing and wonderful, and I’m very fond of you too, but there are so many reasons why it wouldn’t work.’

  ‘But you don’t deny the attraction between us?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘I love you, Pen,’ he went on.

  My heart contracted. It was what I’d longed to hear, and I wanted to say it back, but for his sake, I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to have to spend the rest of his life caring for me, missing out on everything a man of his age should be doing. ‘The feeling won’t last,’ I said. ‘You’ll meet and fall in love with some girl of your own age, get married and have children. I can’t have a family, not after the accident.’

  ‘I don’t need kids,’ he said.

  ‘Maybe, it’s because you are one,’ I said, trying to lighten the mood, but he continued to gaze at me, his expression heavy with regret.

  ‘It isn’t that. It’s no use telling me that I’ll change my mind because I won’t.’

  ‘Oh, come on.’

  ‘Have I ever told you I was adopted?’

  ‘No,’ I said, surprised. ‘You’ve never given me any reason to think your mum was anything but your real mother.’

  ‘She is, as far as I’m concerned. I was removed from my birth mother when I was three – she was in an abusive relationship and when it came down to making a choice, she chose her partner over me.’

  ‘That’s harsh,’ I said, unable to comprehend how any parent could give up their child.

  Declan shrugged.

  ‘It is, but I guess she had her reasons and I’ve dealt with it. If I ever felt any desire to have children, I would foster or adopt.’ He paused before continuing, ‘I guess what you’re saying is that we can’t have a relationship.’

  ‘That’s right,’ I said, my heart breaking.

  ‘I can ask Carole for a transfer, if it would make it easier for you.’

  ‘No, don’t do that. I’d miss you too much,’ I said quickly. ‘Unless this is all too awkward for you.’

  ‘I’ll cope,’ he said with a small smile.

  ‘No romance, no kissing,’ I said. ‘Just friends.’

  ‘Okay,’ he agreed, a shadow crossing his eyes. ‘If you say so.’

  ‘Thank you.’ In many ways it was a relief, knowing that our feelings for each other were out in the open and that we weren’t going to act upon them, but the whole episode left me with a heightened sense – if I’d needed it – of the transient nature of life and a deepening attraction to a man I couldn’t have. I adored him.

  How we managed to keep our hands off each other during that long hot summer, I’ll never know. I’d wrap my robe around me as tightly as possible, and Declan would blush as he carried me in and out of the shower, keeping his eyes averted. When we drank coffee, he’d gaze at me for just a little longer than necessary and I’d have to force myself to look away. It was awkward, but we muddled through.

  Yesterday morning, the day before the storm, Declan came in to do the usual chores and cook a late breakfast of eggs, bacon, tomatoes and toast.

  ‘What do you fancy doing today?’ he asked as we ate.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. I expect I’ll paint.’

  ‘I’m doing a gig tonight at the Talymill Inn. I thought you might like to come along as it’s your birthday.’

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘The card might just be a clue,’ he chuckled, glancing towards the kitchen worktop where I’d left the birthday wishes from my sister. ‘How old are you again?’ He laughed. ‘Really, Pen, I don’t know why you’re so paranoid about your age. Say you’ll come out with me tonight. Please. It isn’t a date and I promise there’ll be no snogging.’ He paused and looked up, his head tilted to one side. ‘Unless you say so.’

  ‘Declan…’ I started to protest as he reached across the table and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. I stared at the sight of my small paint-daubed fingers caught in his long bony digits, the skin roughened and lightly tanned and his nails cut very short. A shiver of longing ran down my spine from my neck to my waist. I glanced up at his face, at the tender lust in his eyes and the flush in his cheeks.

  ‘It’s all right. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do, but just to say that I still feel the same about you as… you know, before, so if you should ever change your mind, all you have to do is say.’

  I touched my face, my skin burning under my fingertips.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ I said softly as Sally rested her head on my knee as if to console me. ‘Let’s leave it at that.’

  ‘You will come to the gig though?’ he asked anxiously. ‘I haven’t put you off?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’d love to come along tonight.’

  ‘We’ll have to go early because I have to set up the drums and then do a sound-check with the rest of the band. You don’t mind?’

  ‘I’m looking forward to it.’ I smiled, my pulse thrilling at the thought of celebrating my birthday, listening to live music and, I have to admit, spending more time with Declan.

  ‘I’ll introduce you to some of my mates,’ he said.

  ‘Maybe I’ll be able to fix you up with a nice girlfriend,’ I suggested.

  ‘That’s cruel and you know it. My eyes are for you only.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I bit my lip, reading the hurt in his expression.

  ‘I know what you’re doing, keeping me at arm’s length, and it’s okay that you’re trying to protect yourself, but it would be a whole lot easier if you could just let them go.’

  ‘Let what go?’

  ‘Your excuses for us not getting together, when I know how you feel about me. You’re incredibly stubborn – I’m not saying that being tough is a bad thing in some situations, but this isn’t one of them. And you’re probably scared of finding love and losing it again, like before, but sometimes it’s worth taking a risk. We could be very happy together, if you’d just give us a chance.’ He released my hand abruptly and got up to clear the dishes. ‘I’ll take Sally out for a walk. Are you
coming?’

  ‘No, thanks. I’m going to look in my extensive wardrobe for something to wear tonight. I don’t want to go out in a smock and joggers,’ I said lightly.

  Later, I spent ages getting ready, putting on a little more foundation than usual, some pearlescent eye-shadow and some false eyelashes that my sister had bought to cheer me up. I applied mascara and painted my nails before changing into a low-cut top and a necklace of beads made from pieces of glass washed up on the beach.

  It gave me time to think about what Declan had said about us. He still felt the same about me, so this wasn’t a fleeting attraction on his behalf. He thought I was afraid of committing to anyone which, if I was honest with myself, was true, not just because I feared losing someone else as I did Mark, but because part of me felt I would be being disloyal to his memory by going out with another man. Mark wasn’t like that though. He was an opportunist. He would have said, ‘Go for it. Be happy.’

  When Declan returned to pick me up, he took one look at me and whistled through his teeth.

  ‘Wow. You look absolutely gorgeous, Pen.’

  I thanked him for the compliment as he leaned down to brush his lips against my cheek.

  ‘Don’t tell me that that isn’t allowed,’ he said.

  I turned the other cheek, and pointed at it. Grinning, he kissed me again. ‘Are you ready?’

  Sally uttered a low bark as if to confirm that she was, and we headed off to the pub. I sat in my wheelchair next to the stage with a pint of local ale, bantering with Declan and the other band members as they set up in preparation for the sound check.

  By seven-thirty, the pub was filling with people. At eight, the band started to play. The music filled my ears, blocking out any chance of conversation, and the rhythm made my body quiver and my fingers tap. If I could have got up out of the chair to dance, I would, but instead, I watched Declan.

  He came alive on the stage, throwing his energy, heart and soul into the drums. Every now and then, he glanced up, searched for my face through the bright lights and dark shadows, and smiled. I raised my hand to wave. He redoubled his efforts at drumming, his hair flying and his drumsticks like a blur. Sally who was wearing a pair of ear muffs that I found in a drawer at home, nudged my leg as if to say, What about me? I stroked her in return.

  At the beginning of the second and final set, Declan picked up a guitar and took over the lead singer’s microphone, while the rest of the band stood aside. He called for everyone’s attention and when the crowd fell silent, he began to speak.

  ‘I’d like to dedicate the next song to a very special lady,’ he said, turning towards me. ‘Happy Birthday, Pen.’ He started to sing, his voice raw with passion.

  I swallowed past the lump that formed in my throat at his unexpected and deeply romantic gesture. He’d proved that it wasn’t a passing phase. He loved me. I was sure of that. Was it fair to carry on as we were, denying each other?

  As the chords of the song faded away, and Declan returned to the drums to the sound of applause, I made my decision. You only lived once. It was time I returned to the land of the living… and loving.

  ‘That was a wonderful evening,’ I said softly as he helped me from the car into the wheelchair and across the bridge to the cottage as the wind began to get up and the rain started to fall, heralding the arrival of a September storm. ‘Thank you. I’ll never forget this birthday. No one has ever sung for me before.’

  Declan reached past me and opened the door, letting Sally in before pushing me down the hall, past the living room and into the bedroom.

  ‘You don’t have to,’ I said shyly. ‘I can manage to get into bed myself.’

  ‘I know you can. Sh,’ he said, silencing me with a kiss. ‘It’s your birthday. Would you like a drink? Cake?’

  I frowned.

  ‘There’s a cake in the kitchen,’ he went on. ‘I could do with something to eat. I’m always starving after a gig.’

  ‘Oh, go on then,’ I said, and when I returned from the bathroom in my robe, I found him standing beside the bed with a large slice of chocolate sponge and two forks on the bedside table. I made my way out of the chair and onto the bed. He helped me sit up, propped against a pillow, and I patted the duvet alongside me, indicating that he should join me.

  ‘Are you sure you’re okay about this?’ he asked hesitantly.

  ‘Quite sure,’ I said, and the mattress sank as he sat down and stretched his legs out beside mine.

  ‘Cake?’ he asked.

  ‘Not yet. I’d like another birthday kiss first…’

  ‘You can have as many as you like, and more,’ he said gruffly, turning and reaching his arms around my shoulders. ‘I love you, Pen. I don’t care about the age difference – it means nothing to me. And I don’t want children and I don’t care that you’re in a wheelchair. It doesn’t make any difference. All I want…’ he touched his mouth to mine ‘…is you.’

  I have no idea how long we remained there kissing, until he unfastened the tie of my robe and I’ll say no more, except that we made love and ate cake, and made love again. Afterwards, I lay in his arms, listening to his heartbeat.

  It was perfect. I hadn’t dared to imagine that I would experience love again, not like this. I’d thought I was too broken, too damaged. It was a miracle.

  ‘I love you,’ I whispered, at which my lovely man smiled in his sleep. I only hoped that he wouldn’t change his mind about us.

  Eventually, as the windows rattled in the wind, I fell asleep, but when I woke, expecting to find him beside me, the bed was cold and there was a mug of frigid tea on the bedside table along with a note which read, ‘Catch you later xxx’.

  At first, I assumed he’d gone to his first call, but as time passed, I began to wonder.

  Where is he? What did he mean by ‘later’? Has he had second thoughts? Has something happened to him? Has he been hurt?

  I am desperate for news. As the day goes on, the storm intensifies, the rain falls harder, and I’m forced to watch the garden shed being torn apart and dragged across the lawn by the jaws of the harrying wind.

  Sally listens for Declan’s car, but he doesn’t come and I feel completely lost without him. After a while, I throw down my paintbrush and head for the living room, where the air smells decidedly damp and the rug on the floor squelches under my wheels. I reach out and touch the interior wall, catching drops of moisture on my fingertips. Outside the window, the babbling brook has been replaced by a roaring torrent. The wrought-iron footbridge that leads from the road to my door is underwater.

  I try to stop the flow of water under the front door with whatever I can find; plastic bags and rolled up towels. Sally joins in with enthusiasm. I give her full marks for effort, and zero for results.

  The water continues to rise and I begin to panic because I can’t go anywhere. I try Declan for a second and third time. There’s no reply, but soon afterwards there is a knock on the door, and I enlist Sally to help move the tiny dam we’ve made. Filled with relief and anticipation, I open the door, but it isn’t Declan. It’s a policeman.

  My heart misses a beat. Is he okay? What’s happened? Before I can get the words out, I realise that this visit isn’t about Declan. He’s just my carer who’s handed in his notice. Why should anyone notify me as to his whereabouts? They don’t know about us.

  ‘Penny Diamond?’ The policeman who must be about the same age as Declan, introduces himself. He’s called Rob and he’s been drafted in from another local policing team. ‘We’re in the process of evacuating everyone from this row of cottages. You have to leave, I’m afraid.’

  ‘What if I refuse?’ I say, upset at the thought of leaving my home.

  Rob glances at the water that is swirling around his boots. A section of pale pink render slumps into the brook.

  ‘I don’t see you have any choice,’ he says. ‘The school has been requisitioned to accommodate anyone who needs a bed for the night. The WI is serving hot drinks, and people are bringing food a
nd blankets. Don’t worry. There are plenty of volunteers to offer whatever particular help you require. Please, your neighbours have all gone quietly,’ he adds.

  ‘But what about Sally? She’s my assistance dog – I rely on her.’

  ‘You can take her in the van with you.’

  ‘And my wheelchair? I can’t manage without it.’

  ‘Anything,’ he says wearily. ‘Now, come on. Let’s get you out of here before the water gets any higher.’

  I call Sally as I make my way across the bridge towards the van, but she refuses to come with me.

  ‘She doesn’t like getting her paws wet,’ Rob says lightly.

  ‘It isn’t that,’ I say. ‘She’s frightened.’

  When Rob approaches her, she raises her lip and growls. He moves closer, but with one snap, she sends him splashing back across the bridge to where I’m waiting beside the van.

  ‘I’m sorry, we can’t take her,’ he says.

  ‘But we can’t leave her. I won’t go without her.’ I think of her alone and afraid as the water rises. ‘She’s the sweetest person, really.’

  ‘Maybe she’s fearful of authority,’ Rob says, trying to be understanding. ‘I’ll call one of my colleagues to organise for a vet to come out to collect her. They’ll know what to do. Please, Penny, she’ll be okay.’

  I’m not convinced, I think, as I sit in the back of the van, glancing back as Rob makes a three-point turn in the road. More of the render has washed away from the front of the cottage, leaving dark scars. It was my retreat after the accident, but after this, I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe there again. I suppress a sob as I picture Sally cowering somewhere inside, while Rob takes the long route into Talyton St George, avoiding the ford. The rain is relentless. Twigs and debris clatter onto the van. When we finally arrive at the school, members of the WI bring tea and biscuits, and just as I’m about to ask if anyone knows of Declan’s whereabouts, he walks into the hall, wearing a waterproof jacket and wellington boots.

  ‘Pen,’ he exclaims, and all my worries that he’d walked out on me vanish. ‘Thank goodness, you’re safe.’ He hurries towards me, reaches his arms around me and showers me with kisses.