Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  “Dex, everyone needs help sometimes. But it isn’t your job to take the task on yourself without letting the other person know. It’s her life.”

  Her soothing tone eased my annoyance.

  “I can’t just go to her demanding answers.” I threw my hands up in defeat.

  She laughed.

  “No, but you can ask. And I don’t mean ask and let it go, the way I know you do. Ask and then explain why you want to know. Explain your fears and concern. She might be embarrassed and ashamed, but it’s better than being dead.”

  I stilled.

  “You don’t think it could come to that, right?” I looked over at her, trying to read her expression. It was sad but when she answered me, her voice was light.

  “It could. If she doesn’t let someone help her.”

  Chapter 18

  Iwas running a few minutes late, having fallen asleep while watching a movie. The clock moved so slowly that afternoon.

  When I neared Noa’s building, I saw her standing outside, staring up. Her breath came out in puffs that whispered up into the night sky. She wore fingerless gloves on the hands that smoothed her hair back. She looked over as my car stopped in front of her.

  “Have you figured it out yet?” I asked when she got in and buckled her seat.

  She shook her head. “I likely never will. Doesn’t mean I can’t have theories. I have theories about tonight.”

  She didn’t touch the radio. She looked out of the window, content to let the time pass quietly.

  “What are your theories regarding tonight?” I couldn’t take her being silent any longer. It was strange.

  “You have questions. And I have answers.” She shrugged. “It’s unfair to ask you to commit to someone when you have no idea what you’re getting into. I think my only worry is leaving here without you tonight.”

  As we stopped at a red light, I looked over incredulously.

  “Can you give me some credit already? It’s frustrating how you think so little of me.” I hadn’t wanted to argue. I wanted tonight to be peaceful. But, as much as Noa brought out the best in me, she drove me out of my mind over her.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. Her hand reached for mine, and I was fine with being silent the rest of the drive.

  The restaurant I’d chosen was a little fancier than anywhere I’d taken Noa before. But it was New Year’s Day. I wanted today to be special—a new start for Noa.

  “I won’t know anything on this menu,” she whispered to me. Her smile was nervous, her teeth behind her closed lips as we entered the restaurant.

  “I figured we could be rebellious today.”

  I removed her coat and mine and checked them. Her hand grabbed at my fingers when I returned, and I led her to the hostess stand. I cleared my throat, fighting my own nervousness. A lot rode on tonight.

  “Reservation for two under Dexter Andrews,” I told the man, attempting to sound grown up.

  Noa chuckled, and the maître d’ raised his brow at her.

  “Yes, right this way.” He led us to a table and turned to leave after I’d pushed in Noa’s seat. When I sat across from her, I noticed her eyes taking in everything as she settled in her seat.

  “This may be the nicest place I’ve ever been, Dexter Andrews.” Her hand found mine again across the table.

  It didn’t escape my attention that she always said my name completely. She didn’t shorten the first name, and sometimes she said the last name. And I loved it. Because Noa, for all of her oddities, wasn’t lazy about anything. When she went, she went full speed ahead without a second thought. If only I could get her to be that way about us.

  “I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more, Blue.”

  A waitress came and handed us menus. I ordered us both ginger ale, and when Noa opened her menu, her jaw dropped.

  “It’s so expensive.”

  “Don’t worry about that. Just pick whatever you’d like,” I whispered back.

  “I wish I could have a taste of that. Being able to buy whatever I want without a second thought.” She stopped and looked up at me. “Sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable.”

  “Don’t apologize. Too many people are afraid to say what they’re thinking. You’re alarming, but I’m loving every moment of it.” I looked down at my menu, stuck between the steak and the scampi.

  “How does it feel?” she asked. When my gaze locked with hers, I knew I had to try for the truth. Especially if I was going to ask her personal questions tonight.

  “Weird. I don’t know anything else. I have this bank account set up by parents I’ll never know. Some of it I have access to. I guess that came on my eighteenth birthday. The rest, Tracey explained, will be available on my twenty-first. I don’t spend much of it. I don’t really need to.”

  “And college?”

  “I have another account set up for college. Tracey has complete control of that and always will. Whatever I don’t spend will go to her.”

  She nodded, and when the waitress came back with our drinks, I ended up ordering the steak while she ordered the scampi.

  “Before you ask me anything, I want you to know that I don’t want you for your money,” she blurted out.

  I tried to stifle my laughter but ended up losing.

  “Well, you only just found out about it so…it’d be pretty impossible to think you were here with me because you were money hungry.”

  She looked at me with laughter in her eyes and looked down at the table. After a few moments, she looked up again, all laughter gone.

  “We might as well get this over with. What are you curious about, Dexter?”

  I smiled. “Well, if I’m being honest, I’m curious about anything that involves you. Your first boyfriend, what makes you laugh, what ticks you off…?” I trailed off when her gaze went back to the tabletop.

  “See, that’s easy. All of those answers are simple: you.” She smiled when she looked back up at me. “Give me something tough.”

  “Tell me everything.”

  Knowing exactly what I meant, she took a deep breath. And so Noa’s skeletons revealed themselves.

  “I grew up in a shitty little apartment. It was loud and alcohol was never a big deal. Tim was drinking most weekends by the time he was fifteen. It was so easy when my parents didn’t give a shit about us. Their relationship was lethal, it destroyed all parties involved. Including us.” She wiped her tears quickly and continued.

  “When they left, I cried. Of course I cried. And when I wasn’t crying, I was trying to figure out what I’d done wrong. Could I have been a better daughter? I remember everything so sharply: the pain, feeling like I was thrown aside like garbage. And I didn’t know how we’d find our next meal. I remember being hungry. It makes me want to cry,” she said, blinking back tears. “Tim had only just graduated, and when he found a job at the factory, it was as if by a miracle. But Tim had dreams. He’d wanted to get out of here, and having to take care of me made him bitter. Before I knew it, he was drunk every night.

  “One night, I found him crying in bed. When I asked him if he was all right, he told me to grab a bottle from the cabinet. When I brought it over, he drank it. No, he gulped it like it was the answer to his prayers. And when I saw the pleasure, the numbness it gave him…I wanted that, Dexter. I wanted to stop feeling everything. But drinking, it made me feel like I was dead inside. Sure, I didn’t feel anything. But I knew I was wasting away. And the hangovers, they were terrible. Waking up, not remembering anything was terrifying. But I couldn’t stop. It was a blessed silence.”

  She stopped and I reached out to touch her cheek, letting her know she was still there with me. She was fading into her nightmare.

  “You and I were in the hospital the same night. I’d been drinking and…I don’t know. I lost consciousness and began choking on my vomit. It’s so disgusting and I’m ashamed. But, I remembered this feeling, like I was living inside my head. I was beginning to forget everything and it was beautiful. It was what I th
ought I’d wanted. And then I woke up.” She wiped her eyes again. “I don’t know why I was given a second chance. While I pretended to hate it that day, I knew it was a miracle. Because that last moment before I blacked out, I knew I wanted to live. So I decided to be different. I started volunteering and sometimes I talk to a shrink. Hardly though, because Tim can’t afford it.”

  I let her absorb the shock of having shared her story with me. And I admired her strength.

  “I’m in awe of you, Blue.”

  “Don’t be. I’m a mess. But when I came back, I felt a little different. It’s weird, I remembered everything but I was more…at peace. I’m not as angry at my parents anymore. I feel like someone took my cold, bitter heart and gave me a brand new shiny one. It still hurts and I still want that numbness because it’s all I’ve known. But something about me has changed.”

  The waitress came back and placed our plates in front of us.

  “Maybe someone did give you a new heart,” I said.

  “Lucky for us. The old me, while dazzled by you, would’ve given you a hard time.” She twirled the pasta onto her fork, using her spoon to keep it all on.

  “Trust me, Blue. You fought this hard enough.”

  She grinned at me and I let her eat, not asking her anything too tough. I wasn’t through yet, but I figured she’d need a break. Half-way through our meal, she set her utensils down.

  “You have something else you want to say. Go on.”

  I cut another piece from my steak, placing it on her plate.

  “How can I help you? What do you need in order to stay safe?” I held my hand up when she opened her mouth with her brows furrowed. “This is not charity and it is nonnegotiable. I care about you. If anything happened to you, I’d be devastated. I like you. I like you so much. And I would do anything for you. So, please, let me help you.”

  She picked up her utensils and began eating again. I could tell she was thinking about it. Finally, she finished and took a sip from her glass.

  “I know that I can find alcohol if I really wanted to. But how about we not go to parties where it’s so out in the open? It’s tempting. At least for the first few months. I really want to be sober.”

  “Deal,” I said, only too eager to do whatever I could. “In return, you need to talk to me. Tell me when something is too much. And, if you’re upset about something, lean on me. Even if it’s about me. Tell me. I’d much rather face you angry than face you sick or worse.”

  She nodded.

  “Can we…I really want us to live in this bubble for a little while. I don’t mind Ralph. It’s everything else. The parties. The people.” She’d made a great point. Our time off had gone so well up until the party.

  When the waitress came back, I handed her my debit card.

  “I’d be happy to have you all to myself. Don’t get sick of me.”

  “Impossible,” she said with a grin.

  As I was handed back my card, I signed the receipt and then I took Noa’s hand, leading her to get our coats. We slipped them on and headed outside. The bite of winter air made her cheeks pink and I fought the urge to tuck her into me.

  “I wish we could go for a walk. The stars are so bright tonight.”

  “How about I drive us to my house and we walk around my neighborhood?” I asked, twirling her as she laughed.

  “Sure.” I opened my car door for her and she didn’t scoff or roll her eyes. When I went to the driver’s side, I saw she was already plugging in her iPod. She turned on a lullaby of a song and I drove slowly, enjoying the quiet roads and the Christmas lights that wrapped around the town. When I parked in the driveway, I turned to see Noa sleeping. I stepped out of the car and pulled her into my arms. She mumbled and continued on sleeping, her face nestled in my jacket. I opened the door and Tracey was in the living room, watching a movie.

  “Well, isn’t this becoming a habit,” she said with a chuckle. “Have a good night, Dex. Happy New Year.”

  I carried Noa upstairs and, after setting her down, changed into pajamas. I wasn’t sure if I should change her clothes, so I removed her shoes and jacket as gently as I could. She blinked her eyes open and sat up.

  “Sorry. Want to walk?” She rubbed her eyes.

  “I’m okay. I have some clothes if you want.”

  “Toss ’em over.”

  I smiled as I went through my drawers. I threw a shirt and boxer shorts on the bed. I turned away so she could have privacy. She shucked her shirt, and in the window’s reflection, I saw Noa’s perfect skin. I couldn’t take my eyes from the window. She pulled off her pants while she was still sitting on the bed, and I could only thank her for it. I was a man, after all. But I tried to be decent.

  She looked up, catching my eyes in the window with a smirk.

  “Come on, you.”

  I turned off the light and climbed into bed beside her, pulling her close. My eyes were wide open in the darkness. Her breaths were even and quiet as she fell asleep again, and I felt myself panic at the thought of losing her.

  “I think I’ve fallen for you,” I whispered. “So silly and so quickly. But, nevertheless….” My lids began to feel heavy and I let them close.

  A weight had been lifted between us, only to land on my heart.

  Chapter 19

  Throughout the harsh winter, I kept Noa warm in our bubble. She surprised me each day with ease and fit into my life like she was meant to be there. We got to know Dexter together. Noa made starting over fun.

  Classes were moving along quickly, and I found myself in my last semester of high school. Whoever created the class schedules favored us because Noa happened to be in four of my six classes. As I predicted, people had gotten over us, talking to us frequently as if we had always been an item. Becca had even apologized to Noa. Noa still didn’t trust her, but I understood why.

  Sometimes there were days where I could feel Noa slipping, or days she didn’t want to attend her therapy sessions, and the Angel of Death talked to me. He spoke of patience and love with an undercurrent of pride. It was strange. But I was content to take his words and attempt to apply them to my life.

  Spring flew by and I was accepted to MIT. We celebrated, and while I felt Noa’s trepidation, I knew she was happy for me. Almost as happy as I was for myself.

  I spent more time with Noa. I knew it wasn’t realistic to think she’d gain emotional independence that way, but I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my time. She needed to heal, and I wanted her to heal with me. With summer coming like a freight train, I knew she was beginning to worry again. Did she honestly think I would leave her and never look back? It seemed so. But I had come up with a plan, unbeknownst to her.

  “So,” I started as we walked from one class to another with my arm around her, “I heard someone’s birthday is coming up.”

  “And how did you hear that?” she asked, kicking at the ground.

  “I checked your ID a few weeks back. June first, eh?”

  She was quiet, and I got the air that something wasn’t right.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Can we not make it a big deal? It’s just another day.” She held her books to her chest, looking down the hall. When someone waved at her, she smiled. But she still didn’t look at me. I took her books from her, something I was now prone to do.

  “Hell no. You’re turning eighteen.” We stopped in front of our classroom. “Let me do something special for you.”

  I ran my hand through her hair and tilted her chin until she looked up at me.

  “I never had a birthday party before,” she whispered. “Well, it’s my job to change that, I guess.”

  “Please, not a big party, Dexter. I’m not ready yet.” We walked into the classroom and took our seats next to one another.

  “Whatever you want. I’ll let Tracey know.” I was already brimming with excitement. I wanted it to be her birthday already so I could share my plans with her. She had no reason to worry anymore.

  •••r />
  It turned out Tracey was something of an expert party-giver. As soon as I informed her of Noa’s birthday, she ran with it.

  “The lake house is perfect, Dexter!” She was chatting my ear off as I finished a bowl of cereal. Of course, I had no idea my family even owned a house other than the one I lived in. “I had the housekeeper give it an extra cleaning, and we have rooms enough for everyone.”

  I picked my head up. “Everyone?”

  “Well, yes,” she started. “Ralph is in charge of the guest list.”

  I groaned into my bowl, pulling out my phone.

  Hey, douche bag. Keep the guest list short.

  It didn’t help that we were leaving to the lake house tomorrow for the birthday extravaganza the next day. Noa was going to have the worst time because I’d left all of the details of the party to Ralph and Tracey.

  Kindly fuck off. I already spoke to Noa.

  I shook my head with a chuckle.

  “Crisis averted?” Tracey asked.

  “Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one who loves Noa,” I said as I placed my empty bowl in the sink.

  “Are you kidding? I love her so much!” She hummed when I moved to walk upstairs. “Wash the dish, kid. It won’t kill you.”

  I washed the bowl as well as the other dirty dishes, all the while mulling over how I was going to present Noa with my gift.

  “Penny for your thoughts.” Tracey picked up a towel and started to dry off the clean dishes.

  “Noa’s birthday is kind of important. I…I want to invite her to Massachusetts with me.” I turned off the water and grabbed another towel, drying my hands.

  “Sounds big,” she said as she set the last dish in the cabinet.

  “That’s all you have to say?”

  “Give yourself credit, Dex. I’m sure you’ve thought this through. You’ve got it all planned out, I bet. Since the accident…you’ve grown into a wonderful young man. It makes me sad to think you’ll be leaving me soon. But I know you two will have each other, and I’m happy for you.” She pulled me down to hug her. “Remember. Delivery is everything,” she whispered in my ear.