Heart of Sin

by Nicola Jane

  “Don’t worry about it, she’s gone. We need to move on.” I get up and leave the room, Clarisse stares after me, I can feel her eyes on my back.

  By the time I get back to The Luxe there’s only one person I need to see. I enter her room without knocking and Ella spins around with a whip in her hand and a man by her feet. “Vass,” she gasps, “What’s happened?” She whispers something to the man and he nods, getting up and leaving. “Vass?” she repeats.

  “It needs to be a lot, the urge is overwhelming,” I mutter falling to my knees in front of her and bowing my head.

  “Vass are you sure this is…” she begins warily.

  “Just do it Ella,” I yell and she jumps at my tone. I pull my shirt over my head and then rest my hands on my knees, bracing myself for the first hit. I’m zoned out, the pain is gone, the buzzing in my head is so loud I can’t focus. I hear the cane drop to the floor, it clatters bringing my attention to it. Ella is on her knees in front of me, my face in her hands. Her lips are moving but I can’t hear over the loud buzzing. I push my self to stand, Ella’s hands fall to her sides. Her eyes look sad and I hate that she’s sad for me. How dare she be sad for me. I pull on my shirt, feeling it stick to my back and then make my way out of Ella’s room, stumbling once or twice.

  I practically fall into my office. I steady myself and take a few deep breaths. Making my way to my desk I drop in the chair and hiss as my back presses against the leather. I pull open my bottom drawer. I never go in here, occasionally I look in it to remind myself how far I have come and how I don’t need it but right now it’s all I can think about. My hands shake as I take out the five-hundred-pound bottle of whiskey. I flip it over a couple of times from one hand to the other, deliberating what I’m about to do. Within seconds the cap is off and the bottle is pressed to my lips. As I take my first sip I tell myself it’s just to ease the pain of my back. Nothing more and no big deal.

  It helps the pain, in fact I can’t feel a thing I muse, standing on shaky legs. My vision is slightly off but the good news is that my hearing seems fine now. I laugh to myself and make my way from the office to the bar. Maxim looks at me suspiciously as I stagger past him, everyone is so judgemental around here. No wonder I keep my circle tight. I bang my hand on the bar to get Carlos’s attention. He goes to get my usually water and I shake my head, “Not this time Carlos, Carluss, Carlossss, am I saying it right, it doesn’t sound right?” I slur, “Carlos, its Carlos isn’t it, I’ll take a double shot of your finest Whiskey, hold the rocks.” Carlos hesitates, glancing behind me like he’s waiting for permission. “Now Carlos,” I snap. He grabs a crystal tumbler and pours the double shot, handing it to me. “In fact just give me that,” I sigh taking the bottle from his hand. I want to pour my own damn measures without permission or judgy looks.

  I go to the main room. It’s lively in here tonight and I need my mind occupying. I notice Ava sitting my Mr Bennett, a boring ass banker. When she notices me staring her head drops and she walks towards me just like I’ve taught her. I pull a silk collar from my pocket and clip it around her neck, tonight she is mine. I take a seat near the front so I can see the stage. Ava kneels by my chair, her eyes cast down to the floor. The stage is empty and I find myself staring at the large wooden structure. Snap shots pass through my mind of Liv screaming my name and I feel my cock harden instantly. Fuck that bitch, she’s left at the first chance she got. I wrap my hand into Ava’s hair and pull her head to my lap, “You may as well get busy,” I slur. I relax back into the chair as she makes quick work of opening my trousers and pulling out my cock. I dump my empty glass on the table and drink from the bottle, it’s easier. Ella sucks me into her mouth, I forgot how good she is at this. I press down on the back of her head forcing her to take me in deeper. Pulling out my phone I snap a quick picture of her, I check it with one eye because two make it blurry. I feel zero guilt as I click on the send button to Liv. I want her to know that I’m over it, she was nothing special and I’ve moved on already.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Alivia

  I stretch out my legs on the fresh green grass and tip my head back so that my face warms in the glow of the sun. It’s been a week since I left London and arrived at my parents. I had no plans when I stepped off that train, I wasn’t sure if I was going back to my job or to the house I shared with Clarisse but that same night I’d left I received a picture from Vass with his cock choking some poor girl and I realised there and then that my life in London was done. I’d tried hard to scrape it back together after Daniel broke my heart and meeting Vass was a turning point for me. It pains me to admit it but I was falling for him, in such a short space of time I’d let myself fall and now I could kick myself for it. He clearly didn’t feel the same way and his childish way of pointing that out was to send me his little ‘I’ve moved on’ picture.

  A clicking sound makes me open my eyes. Another photographer is taking a shot of me and I sigh. When will they get bored of me. “How are you Alivia?” the man asks as he snaps another picture. I force a bright smile.

  “I’m good, thank you for asking.”

  “How do you feel about the headlines this week?” he asks casually.

  “I haven’t read them. I’m moving on and whatever is printed in those papers isn’t of interest to me,” I say brightly. I push myself to stand and brush my ass to make sure there is no grass stuck to me. I was enjoying the sunshine in this beautiful park before this ass turned up.

  “So you don’t know about Vass falling back in to old habits?” he asks with surprise.

  My step faulters but I recover quickly and walk away. What does he mean by that, has Vass gone back to Annalise? It wouldn’t surprise me and that desperate cow would probably take him back. I take a slow walk back to my parent’s house thinking up better names than the fans had for the pair, Cunt-alise-ass is my favourite but its hard to mash two names as well as a curse word, I doubt it’ll catch on.

  My parents fall quiet as I enter the kitchen. With all the rooms in this house the kitchen is where we always end up gathering, I’ve never understand why. “What?” I ask pouring myself an orange juice.

  “Nothing,” says Dad far too quickly. I give him a pointed stare and raise an eyebrow.

  “Tell me,” I push, they are hiding something.

  “Clarisse called, she’s here, in town. She rang to get the address. She’ll be here any minute.”

  “Okay well that’s not so bad, why the guilty looks?” They exchange another but before I can probe further there’s a knock at the door. I go to answer it. I’m excited to see Clarisse, we’ve texted a few times but it will be good to catch up and I hope we can stay friends. I swing the door open and the smile freezes on my face at the sight of Clarisse and Vass standing before me. Vass is holding on to Clarisse with his eyes closed and she looks like she’s struggling to support his weight.

  “I’m sorry but I need your help,” she says with a pleading look in her eyes. I sigh and step forward, taking Vass’s other arm and throwing it around my shoulder. He groans like he’s in pain. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

  “What’s happened?” I ask as we struggle into the sitting room. We lower Vass to the couch and he flops to the side.

  “He’s drunk,” says Clarisse, “He hasn’t stopped since you left.”

  “But Vass doesn’t drink,” I say confused, “Why is he here?”

  “Because he loves you and you love him, help me to help him,” she says desperately, “I can’t lose him again Liv and between us we can make him better.”

  “Vass doesn’t love me Liss, he loves himself.”

  “That’s not true and you know it. Look at him, he’s a mess and that’s because he’s trying to hide the hurt by drinking and having Ella beat him.”

  “Beat him?” I repeat.

  Clarisse shakes her head and sighs, she leans over Vass and pulls up his shirt slightly so that I can see the cuts and marks on his skin. I wince, they are weeping and angry lookin
g. “He visits Ella to curb the urge to drink,” she sighs.

  “Well someone should tell him that it isn’t working,” I mutter, “Jesus Christ, get him on his front, we need to clean that mess up.”

  I go back to the kitchen where my parents sit, “Thanks for the warning,” I hiss grabbing a bowl and filling it with warm water and Dettol antiseptic.

  “We know you miss him Liv,” says Dad, “Stop being stubborn.” I roll my eyes.

  Vass is asleep on his stomach when I return, the cuts look so much worse now that his shirt is off, he hasn’t been looking after them. I drop some cotton wool in the bowl and turn to Riss, “Go and see my parents, have a cup of coffee. I’ll take care of this,” I say and she smiles gratefully.

  I begin to dab the open wounds and Vass stirs letting out a groan. “It’s okay Vass, I’m cleaning the cuts,” I say quietly. He opens one eye and blinks a few times.

  “Liv?” he whispers, his voice croaky.

  “Huh huh,” I sigh, “The one and only.”

  “What are you doing here, you left me?” he croaks trying to push himself up. I force him back down by putting pressure on his shoulder.

  “Sleep it off big guy,” I say firmly.

  I return to the kitchen and empty the red stained water down the drain. Dad hands me a coffee and I take it gratefully. “Thank you,” says Clarisse sincerely, “I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “Maybe try rehab?” I suggest.

  “I promised I’d never take him back there. It’s a last resort,” she says.

  “I don’t know what you expect me to do, I’m not a Doctor I don’t know how to fix this,” I say and my mum smiles.

  “Yes you do Liv, of course you do. Just be you. You told me that when you were ill he looked after you, stayed with you. It’s your turn now, look after him.”

  “It’s not that easy mum,” I hiss, “I can’t be around him right now, I’m not strong enough.”

  “Why are you fighting it?” she asks, “If you love him then stop fighting against him and fight for him.”

  Vass sleeps for most of the day. I begin to wonder if he really is asleep or he’s avoiding me and pretending. I’m sitting out on my parent’s front porch when he appears with a blanket wrapped around himself. I’ve never seen him looking so vulnerable and weak. He shuffles and sits down next to me, wincing with each movement. The silence hangs between us, I’m not sure what he expects me to say.

  “I’m sorry,” he mutters, “For all of this. I’ll ask Clarisse to take me home in the morning.”

  “Whatever you want Vass,” I sigh.

  “What I want is to rewind to last week, when we were happy together,” he says quietly.

  “Happy? Was we Vass, because I felt like the whole thing was one big stage show for you. Looking back was any of it real, our friendship even?”

  He looks at me with anger, “How can you ask me that?”

  “The romantic meal wasn’t real, you said so yourself so what’s to say it was all one big fake show for the press and your Grandmother. I’m not mad at you Vass, I’m mad at me. I let myself feel for you and that was never on the cards was it, it’s my fault and I have to move on, just like you did the night I left.” I had to get that out and I watch the confusion on his face. “Do you remember sending me a picture?” I add and he shakes his head. I laugh annoyed that he isn’t even aware that he’s caused me pain and I pull out my phone. I don’t even know why I didn’t delete it, maybe to remind me that I couldn’t go back there. I show him the picture and he closes his eyes and shakes his head.

  “Jesus, Liv I’m so sorry. I do stupid shit when I’m drunk. It’s one of the many reasons I avoid it.”

  “It’s okay, you moved on and that’s great, I need to do the same.”

  “If that’s what you want,” he mutters and I stand nodding with a fake smile. I go back inside, leaving him on the porch.

  I get in to bed and pull out my mobile. Since I saw the reporter earlier his comment has played on my mind so I pull up some news stories from the week. Vass is pretty much in all of them. Pictures of him falling out of night clubs and bars are there for the world to see. There are some of him with various women and I flick over these quickly. A headline catches my eye, it was from yesterday. ‘Vass falls back into old habits after heartbreak’ I sigh and scroll down to the story. ‘Vass Fletcher is back to his old tricks this week after his messy split from Alivia Caldwell. Sources close to Fletcher have revealed his two-thousand-pound bar bill after he went on a bar crawl on Wednesday evening. Vass, named as one of Britain’s hottest men, was not shy as he got up close and personal with several different women throughout the evening in front of our camera’s and at one point posed for a picture with an unknown blond that was too X-rated for us to print. It’s safe to say that whilst Fletcher is living his best life in London, his ex-Fiancée Ms Caldwell is hiding away at her parents house in Brighton, where this week she was spotted out and about lunching with her Mother, fifty four year old Caroline Caldwell. The pair were spotted looking amazing in Brighton’s town centre and the question on every one’s lips is who will snap up this single beauty.’ So now all of a sudden the press like me? What a joke. I turn off my phone and pull the sheets over my body. I can’t sleep, I’m too annoyed by that stupid story, I shouldn’t have read it.

  There’s a light tap on my door and I sit, pulling a sheet around me. Vass pops his head around the door, “You awake?” he whispers.

  “If my Dad catches you he’ll kick you out,” I whisper hiss. Vass comes in quickly and closes the door quietly.

  “Sorry, I can’t sleep.”

  “What do you want me to do about that Vass?” I snap. He stands by my bed looking confused and lost. It pulls at my heart but I hold my resolve strong and glare at him.

  “Just stop,” he sighs, “Stop being like this.”

  “Like what? Angry, pissed off, jealous that you’ve spent the week fucking your way around London?”

  “I didn’t do that,” he growls, clenching his fists by his sides. I’m pushing his buttons and it sends a thrill through me. “Stop,” he snaps, “Stop looking like that.”

  “Like what?” I ask innocently.

  “That look right there got us into this mess in the first place,” he snaps pacing the floor. “Those defiant eyes of yours call to me and I can’t stop it. I lose control.” I glance at him through my eyelashes, I know the look he means and I can’t help it, he stirs a fire in me that I can’t hold inside.

  “I thought you controlled yourself pretty well actually,” I mutter and he spins to face me, pointing his finger at me.

  “Stop it, I mean it,” he warns.

  “How are you so sure that you didn’t screw all of those women?” I ask, “You couldn’t even remember the picture you sent me,” I say with a sneer.

  “Because,” he growls, “If my balls were empty I wouldn’t be so fucking hard,” he adds and I glance at his obvious erection and press my lips together to hide the laugh that wants to burst out. “I need a drink,” he says suddenly and that wipes the smile from my lips.

  “You can’t have a drink Vass.”

  “It hurts to not have one Liv,” he says sighing heavy, “This pain will get worse if I don’t have at least one drink. I can’t just stop, it needs to be gradual.” I shake my head. Clarisse warned me that he would try this.

  Vass leans in close to me, anger on his face, “Then give me some money so I can get myself a damn drink,” he growls. I shake my head again, not breaking eye contact, making sure that defiant look is clear in my face. Clarisse took Vass’s money and bank cards whilst he slept. Vass takes a few deep breaths trying to calm the beast that so badly wants to come at me.

  “Alivia this isn’t a game,” he snaps, “And stop looking at me like that, fucking you won’t stop my pain,” he growls. My mouth suddenly feels dry, I feel like the devil is inside of me and I begin to unfasten my silk pyjama shirt. He freezes, watching my fingers unfasten each button. I s
lide it from my shoulders and drop it to the floor. I lay back and run a hand up along my stomach. His eyes run over the black lace underwear and I can see it’s working; his mind is on me not the drink.

  I slip my hand inside my panties and breathe out a sigh, closing my eyes briefly as pleasure ripples through me. I pull out my hand and place my wet finger in my mouth, sucking it clean, Vass’ eyes burn into my own as hunger over takes him.

  “I need to feel you here, Sir,” I whisper tugging down the lace bra so that my breasts are free. Vass kneels down at the side of my bed, still just staring as I place my hand back to my pussy. I keep the eye contact, showing him that I remember his rules, he needs to feel in control of me right now and so I give it to him willingly. Vass lowers his mouth to my breast; I feel his breath as he gets close and then his warm tongue circles my nipple. His eyes burn into my own and it’s hot.

  “I know what you’re trying to do Liv,” he growls, nipping at my erect nipple.

  “I’m just trying to help Sir,” I say with a wicked smile. Vass climbs onto the bed, his large body towering over my own. His hands wrap around my throat and he leans down, kissing me hard and hungrily. When he pulls away, I am gasping for breath and he loosens his grip slightly. He moves down my body, settling himself between my legs. I watch him fiddle with his jeans, shoving them down to his thighs. His hands go back to my neck and then he thrusts himself inside of me, putting pressure on my neck at the same time. I gasp in shock; the sensation is surprisingly exciting and my body hums to life as Vass begins to move in and out of me. He kisses me with such passion that with the added pressure to my neck I feel like I could orgasm just from that alone. “Do you like this Alivia,” he pants, his face twisted with desperation and pain as he thrusts harder.

  “Yes Sir,” I pant out, “I’m going to come,” I add.

  “You aren’t Alivia, do not come yet, hold it in,” he orders. I grip the sheet tight, trying hard to control myself. Vass squeezes tighter and my breath gets stuck, right before I begin to panic he leans close to my ear, “Come for me Alivia, Come over my cock.”