Don't Tell the Teacher

by Gervase Phinn

  The Pessimist said:

  You might never get out.

  The Blacksmith said:

  Nice piece of ironwork.

  The Traffic Warden said:

  You can’t stay there.

  The Sympathizer said:

  I know just how you feel.

  The Stoic said:

  Just grin and bear it.

  The Clairvoyant said:

  I thought this might happen.

  The Newspaper Reporter said:

  HEADLINE – BOY IN PARK RAILING ORDEAL!

  The Philosopher said:

  It’s merely a state of mind.

  The Job’s Comforter said:

  You’ve probably damaged your neck.

  The Joker said:

  Don’t go away.

  The Realist said:

  You’ve got your head stuck.

  But the boy with his head

  Stuck through the railings in the park said simply:

  GET ME OUT!

  A Letter from Lizzie

  Dear Granny and Grandpa,

  Mother’s come out in a rash,

  Father’s got the mumps,

  Richard’s got a tummy ache,

  Dominic’s got lumps.

  Matthew’s got German measles,

  But there’s nothing wrong with me,

  And I cannot wait for Sunday,

  When you’re coming round for tea.

  Grandpa

  Anne’s grandpa wears glasses,

  Bimla’s grandpa’s deaf,

  Colin’s has a walking stick and gets really out of breath,

  Donna’s grandpa’s small and thin,

  Eric’s has got a cat,

  Freddie’s grandpa wears big boots and a shapeless woollen hat,

  Guy’s grandpa wears yellow socks,

  Harry’s, he wears red,

  Ian’s gramp’s called Sidney and likes to stay in bed,

  Jay’s grandpa likes bingo,

  Kir it’s likes the telly,

  Leroy’s, he wears aftershave that’s really really smelly,

  Malika’s grandpa’s wrinkled,

  Nuala’s smokes cigars,

  Olive’s wears a ginger wig and likes to drive fast cars,

  Paul’s grandpa does crosswords,

  Quentin’s rides a bike,

  Ronnie’s sits in the park all day and smokes a massive pipe,

  Sammy’s grandpa’s very old,

  Tamsin’s grandpa’s young,

  Una’s, he goes fishing and he’s only got one lung,

  Veronica’s grandpa’s grumpy,

  William’s laughs a lot,

  Xavier’s is really rich and owns a giant yacht.

  Yvonne’s grandfather’s just retired, he used to drive a train,

  Zoe never sees her gramps, because he lives in Spain.

  But my grandpa, he is different,

  He’s not like any other.

  He’s not like my dad’s dad at all,

  He’s more like my big brother.

  He wears designer trainers,

  And all the latest clothes,

  And he’s dyed his hair bright yellow,

  And has five studs in his nose.

  He goes to all the discos,

  And dances until morn,

  But then is out there jogging,

  At the very crack of dawn.

  He has tattoos along his arms,

  And a ring though both his ears,

  And if you say, ‘Good morning,’

  He always answers, ‘Cheers!’

  He makes my mother angry,

  My dad fly in a rage,

  You see, my grandpa’s seventy-five –

  But he doesn’t act his age!

  New Kid

  There’s a new kid

  In our class,

  Fast as lightning,

  Bold as brass,

  Cool as a cucumber,

  Fierce as a lion,

  Strong as a horse,

  Hard as iron,

  Fit as a fiddle,

  Tall as a tree,

  Broad as a barn door,

  Rough as can be.

  I hope that she’ll be friends with me.

  Home

  In the Home Corner,

  In an infant school classroom,

  A boy and girl,

  Rising five,

  Were arguing,

  Stabbing the air with small fingers,

  Jutting out their chins,

  And stamping little feet.

  ‘Oh, do shut up!’

  ‘No, you shut up!’

  ‘I’m sick of you!’

  ‘I’m sick of you!’

  ‘Oh, just be quiet!’

  ‘No, you be quiet!’

  ‘Oh, do shut up!’

  ‘No, you shut up!’

  ‘What is all this?’ the teacher cried.

  ‘We’re playing mums and dads,’

  The infants both replied.

  Down Menagerie Street

  Mrs Moore,

  Who lives next door,

  Owns a red and blue macaw.

  Mr Joad,

  Across the road,

  Has a green and yellow toad.

  Miss O’Mally,

  Down the alley,

  Calls her furry rabbit Sally.

  Sir Titus Pain,

  In the lane,

  Keeps a bulldog on a chain.

  Old Miss Black,

  On the cul-de-sac,

  Has a duck which doesn’t quack.

  Dr Platts,

  In the flats,

  Lives with two grey Siamese cats.

  Mrs Gerard,

  On the boulevard,

  Keeps a donkey in her yard.

  Professor Clive,

  Down the drive,

  Keeps buzzing bees in a hive.

  Lady Low,

  On the row,

  Has a tame but noisy crow.

  Reverend Fleet,

  Down the street,

  Has a talking parakeet.

  Dear Miss Pleasant,

  On the crescent,

  In her garden has a pheasant.

  Lord St Clair,

  By the thoroughfare,

  In his stable keeps a mare.

  But there’s a house that’s cold and stark.

  It’s through the wood, beyond the park,

  And there lives Mr and Mrs Clark,

  Who have a pond that’s deep and dark

  And their pet is – a great white shark!

  Teacher’s Pet

  Miss Perkins has a vulture.

  It perches on her chair

  And watches all the children,

  As quietly they sit there.

  Its feathers are a battleship grey,

  Bright yellow are its claws,

  Its beak is as sharp as razor blades

  And its wings like giant oars.

  Miss Perkins has no problems

  With naughty girls and boys.

  Her class is always well behaved

  And never makes a noise.

  The children sit in silence,

  They never speak a word,

  They never walk about the room,

  When Miss Perkins brings the bird.

  No one even whispers,

  No one scrapes a chair,

  No one moves a muscle,

  When the teacher’s pet is there.

  Art Lesson

  ‘Your picture’s most unusual,’ Miss Moore, our teacher, said,

  ‘But I’ve never seen a porcupine with horns upon its head,

  And lavender lions and silver snakes and a cow in a crimson coat,

  Nor have I seen an orange mouse or a rainbow-coloured goat.

  And what is this, a crocodile, with a gold ring through its nose?

  A purple bat, a spotted rat and a parrot wearing clothes?

  I can’t recall that I have ever seen a monkey in a hat,

  A camel sporting spectacles or a multicoloured cat.


  Oh dearie me, a chimpanzee, flying in a plane,

  A grizzly bear with yellow hair and a pig with a purple mane.

  And what is this you’ve painted here – a hive of scarlet bees,

  A turtle playing tiddlywinks and an elephant on skis.

  Now, sit right down and please don’t frown,’ our teacher duly sighed,

  ‘And pick your paintbrush up again and have another try.’

  Up and Down

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town,

  Up and down, up and down, on the escalator in the town.

  The Carousel

  Little Lizzie felt quite dizzy

  On the circus carousel.

  Round and round and up and down,

  You should have heard poor Lizzie yell.

  ‘I do not like it! Do not like it!’

  Everyone heard Lizzie shout.

  ‘It’s making me feel really queasy,

  Will you stop this roundabout?’

  Round and round and up and down,

  And up and down and round and round.

  I do not like this horrid ride,

  I want my feet on solid ground.’

  But when the carousel was over,

  Little Lizzie said, ‘You know,

  I found the experience quite exciting.

  I think I’d like another go.’

  Dominic’s Discovery

  She secretes them in spaghetti,

  Hides them under chips,

  Camouflages them in pizza,

  Buries them in dips.

  She wraps them up in batter,

  Conceals them in baked beans,

  Envelops them in gravy,

  Disperses them in greens.

  She chops them up with onions,

  Sprinkles them with cheese,

  Mashes them with cabbage,

  Scatters them in peas.

  She covers them in ketchup,

  Submerges them in stew,

  But he can still taste mushrooms

  Whatever Mum tries to do.

  Question

  ‘What is the point,’ asked Dad,

  ‘Of having a stud through your tongue?’

  ‘If you mutht know,’ replied his daughter, ‘I’m

  exthprething my perthonality.’

  In a Dark Dark Town

  In a dark dark town,

  There was a dark dark street,

  And in the dark dark street,

  There was a dark dark school,

  And in the dark dark school,

  There were some dark dark gates,

  And behind the dark dark gates,

  There was a dark dark door,

  And beyond the dark dark door,

  There was a dark dark corridor,

  And down the dark dark corridor,

  There was a dark dark classroom,

  And in the dark dark classroom,

  There was a dark dark desk,

  And in the dark dark desk,

  There was a dark dark drawer,

  And in the dark dark drawer,

  There was a dark dark box,

  And in the dark dark box,

  There was…

  Colin Cooper s conker, which Miss Cawdiorne had confiscated

  Because he was playing with it in class.

  Colin’s Conkers!

  Miss Cawthorne says I can’t play conkers any more.

  She says it’s far too dangerous,

  Especially in class.

  That I could get a bit of conker in my eye

  And have to go to hospital

  And that I might lose my sight.

  ‘Conkers are banned!’ she said.

  I told her that I wear glasses,

  So there’s not much chance

  Of getting a bit of conker in my eye.

  Miss Cawthorne sent me to the head teacher for being cheeky.

  Communication

  When I threw a lump of mud at Michael Morrison,

  I told Miss Shoolbred I was trying to attract his attention

  And I didn’t mean it to land on his head.

  Miss Shoolbred said there were better ways to attract his

  attention

  Than throwing a lump of mud at him.

  She made me stay in at playtime and think about other ways

  Of communicating with people.

  She told me to write them down.

  And so I wrote,

  ‘You could send them a:

  letter,

  note,

  postcard,

  fax,

  email or

  Morse code message.

  You could:

  phone them up or

  send them a smoke signal.’

  Miss Shoolbred sent me to the head teacher

  To communicate with him.

  Leroy’s Laugh

  When Leroy laughed

  The whole class started laughing.

  It was a huffing, puffing,

  Guffawing, hee-hawing,

  Braying, neighing,

  Thundering, ear-splitting sort of a laugh.

  ‘Not so loud, Leroy,’ said the teacher,

  ‘It’s enough to wake the dead.’

  Then Leroy left.

  Oh, how we missed his laugh.

  Our classroom now seems as silent as the grave.

  Infant Nativity Play

  Mary in a pale blue cloak,

  Joseph with a towel over his head,

  Held in place by an elastic belt with snake clasp,

  Approached the cardboard inn

  And knocked.

  ‘Have you a room?’ asked Joseph.

  ‘Sorry,’ said the innkeeper, shaking his litde head.

  ‘But we have travelled far,’ said Joseph.

  ‘No room at the inn.’

  ‘And we are tired, very tired.’

  ‘We are all full up and have no room.’

  ‘And my dear wife is to have a baby’

  ‘We have no room at the inn,’ said die innkeeper.

  ‘Oh, please,’ begged Joseph, ‘just for die night.’

  The innkeeper,

  In a pale brown dressing gown

  And bright red slippers,

  Observed the litde travellers,

  Sad and weary and far from home,

  And scratched his head.

  ‘Have my room,’ he said, smiling,

  ‘And I’ll sleep in the stable.’

  Celebration

  I really am excited!

  We’re having a bit of a celebration

  In our house tonight.

  Mum said that when Dad sees my school report

  There will be fireworks!

  Driving

  My father drives an ambulance,

  My mother drives a van,

  My sister drives a sports car

  And my brother drives a tram,

  My uncle drives a forklift truck,

  My auntie drives a cab,

  But they all agree, when it comes to me,

  I simply drive them mad!

  In the Bathroom

  ‘Will you come out of the bathroom!

  You’ve been in nearly half an hour.

  I need to pay a visit,

  I need to take a shower,

  I need to give my teeth a clean,

 
; I need to wash my hair,

  Every morning it’s always the same,

  What on earth do you do in there?’

  ‘I can’t come out of the bathroom!

  If I tell you, please don’t laugh.

  I’ve got my toe stuck up the tap

  While soaking in the bath.’

  Speech Day

  ‘And the prize for the best attendance this year goes to William Webster.

  (Silence)

  To William Webster.

  (Silence)

  Is William Webster here?’

  ‘No, sir. He hasn’t turned up!’

  Creative Writing

  My story on Monday began:

  Mountainous seas crashed on the cliffs,

  And the desolate land grew wetter…

  The teacher wrote a little note:

  Remember the capital letter!

  My story on Tuesday began:

  Red tongues of fire licked higher and higher

  From Etna’s smoking top…

  The teacher wrote a little note:

  Where is your full stop?

  My story on Wednesday began:

  Through the dark, pine-scented woods

  There twists a hidden path…

  The teacher wrote a little note:

  Start a paragraph!

  My story on Thursday began:

  The trembling child, eyes dark and wild,

  Frozen midst the fighting…

  The teacher wrote a little note:

  Take care, untidy writing!