Choices (A Woman's Life)

by Marie Ferrarella

  A sad smile played on her lips. “I speak from lack of experience. I had a parade of nannies wandering through my life. Some nice, some not so nice.”

  She thought of one in particular. A sharp-featured woman who had laughed at her fear of the dark and made her sleep without the light on. She’d spent six months facing each night in terror before the woman had been fired. Shanna had grown pale and wan and Eloise had quickly determined the cause, then immediately brought it to the senator’s attention. Thank God Jane wasn’t like that. Shanna knew her daughter was in safe hands. That didn’t make her feel any better about not being there, though.

  “And all of them were paid to be with me.”

  Reid heard the echo of loneliness in her voice and felt sorry for the little girl she had been.

  She shook off her melancholy and smiled at Reid. “If I don’t give Jessica anything else, I want to give her that feeling of being loved. I want to give her a foundation that’ll make her feel confident to walk out into the world and try things because she’ll know that there’ll be someone to catch her if she needs it and applaud her if she doesn’t.”

  “Wasn’t there anyone to catch you?” Reid saw by the look in her eyes that she wanted to call a halt to the conversation. Perhaps they had gone a little further than she had intended when she had begun to talk.

  “My grandmother, when she was around.” Shanna moved away from the window. “Well, if it’s going to rain all night, I might as well go to my room and—“

  He stopped her with just the slightest touch on her arm. “How about dinner?”

  Maybe a sandwich from room service. Later. “I was planning to start inputting the last statistics we’ve received into my laptop—“

  He wasn’t going to let her talk her way out of it. She worked far too much. “You have to stop and eat sometime. You’re already too thin.”

  She looked down, surprised at the observation. “I’m too thin?”

  Too harsh a word, he thought. There was still something within her that obviously became skittish at criticism. He smiled at her easily, still holding her arm. “All right, slender, on the way to thin.” His voice lowered without his being aware of it, his eyes whispering along her skin until they reached her face. “A man likes to have something to hold on to.”

  With a deliberate move, she disengaged herself. “All right, dinner. Let’s get something at the hotel. That way I can get right to work afterward.”

  He was already leading her toward the more expensive restaurant in the rear of the building, the one facing the avenue. “Funny, I had the same thought.”

  She looked up at his face and saw things she didn’t want to see in his eyes. There was something dangerous to her peace of mind there, and yet thrilling because of it. “No, you didn’t.”

  The smile on his face had her blood warming. “Ah, you’ve found me out.”

  Shanna took her room card out of her purse and inserted it in the slot above the doorknob. She preferred a key, but there was no arguing with progress. Dinner had lasted over two hours, far longer than she planned. She turned as she opened the door, her body blocking entrance to her room. “I had a very nice evening, Reid.”

  He didn’t want it to be over. Reid glanced at his watch. “It’s only seven-thirty. That doesn’t quality it for an evening.”

  She could see why he thought he was able to write political speeches. He had a way of turning the simplest things into debates. “Oh?” she asked, amused. “And what are the guidelines?”

  “You have to stay out until at least eleven o’clock. Then it’s an evening.” He was so close to her now, she was certain that he could hear her heartbeat. “Think you can put up with my company for another three and a half hours?”

  She took a step back. He was definitely in her space, and having him there was crowding her more than she wanted. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to withdraw completely. “If you’d like to come in for something to drink—“

  He wasn’t about to allow her to turn him down. Greed had him wanting her company for a little while longer. “I would.”

  After Jordan, she was suspicious of anything but a direct approach, not that she’d allow herself to fall into any emotional traps as a consequence. Once was more than enough, thank you very much. “Just say so.”

  He smiled easily. “I’d like to come in for something to drink.”

  No matter how hard she tried to resist, his smile worked its way beneath her barriers, as did his disarming manner. Whether he knew it or not, the man was pure smoldering sex appeal, and she had a feeling he did know it. She shook her head and laughed as she opened the door wide enough for both of them.

  “Come on in.” She crossed to the small bar in the sitting room. “I have no idea what they have readily available here.”

  It wasn’t the drink he was after. It was her company.

  He sat down on the sofa, facing the bar, and shrugged. “Let’s play it by ear. Surprise me.”

  The cabinet contained several magnums of different types of alcohol. Shanna took out a bottle of sloe gin, poured what she assumed was a shot and mixed in some seltzer until it looked more or less the right color. She had no idea about the proper proportions. She rarely drank, and when she did, someone else prepared it. Having watched once, she only had a vague idea what went into a sloe gin fizz.

  “Bottoms up.” She presented him with a tall glass of light pink liquid.

  Reid eyed it dubiously before sampling. He coughed, made a face, and set the glass down on the coffee table with a finality that echoed through room.

  Shanna couldn’t help grinning at his pained expression. “You said to surprise you.”

  “I said surprise, not poison.” He coughed again, then eyed the glass as if it would take off on its own at any moment. “What is this stuff?”

  “A sloe gin fizz. I like them.”

  He pushed the glass a complete arm’s length away on the table. “No offense, but you wouldn’t have liked this one. Forget the surprises, just give me scotch on the rocks. Ice,” he clarified.

  “I know what rocks are.” To prove it, she took out the ice bucket.

  He eyed the drink she had just mixed. “I’m not taking any chances.”

  She served him his glass, then poured a little Kahlua and milk for herself.

  “Playing it safe?” He nodded at her drink.

  She took a sip from the chunky glass before she sat down. “I like having my head clear at all times. That way I can always stay in control of myself.”

  Reid took a long, slow drink and savored the way the liquor wound through his body, friendly and warm. He studied her as he felt the alcohol’s subtle effects. She sat perched on the edge of the seat, her legs tucked under her as if she was going to jump to her feet at any second. She held her glass in both hands. Control seemed to be a large issue with her, he decided.

  He set his glass down on the coffee table. He had no need of alcohol, he realized, to bring on a warm feeling. Just looking at her took care of that. “Do you ever relax, Shanna?”

  His scrutiny made her even more uncomfortable. “Of course I do. I’m relaxed right now.”

  He ran a hand lightly along her spine. She almost snapped in two. “You’re sitting like a soldier at attention.”

  She looked down into her glass. She should have never let him come in. What was she thinking of? “Good posture’s important,” she mumbled.

  “So is having fun.” He sat back, crossing one leg over his thigh. His hand still rested on her spine. “Do you have fun, Shanna?”

  She wasn’t going to be backed into a corner, she promised herself. Jordan had always done that to her emotionally. There weren’t going to be any more Jordans in her life.

  “I thought that was what we were having this evening.” Her eyes narrowed. “Or don’t you call it that unless we end up in bed together?” He was just like Jordan, only after his own gratification. She’d been stupid to think otherwise, even for a moment.

  Re
id sighed. It was evident that her ex-husband must have done a job on her. She bristled with scars. “Where we end up, tonight or some other night,” he told her softly, “is not the point.”

  His voice was getting under her skin. She couldn’t allow that to happen. And yet, she sensed that he understood so much that wasn’t spoken. If this was an act, he was one hell of a performer. She wanted to believe him, but hard-learned lessons were difficult to ignore.

  “What is the point?” she asked, not nearly as forcefully as she would have liked.

  He wound a strand of her hair around his forefinger. She tugged it away, wincing slightly as a hair caught on his finger. “That I think you’re afraid to relax, to have fun. That you’re afraid of what you’re feeling.”

  She grew more rigid as she moved aside on the sofa. “How would you know what I’m feeling?”

  “Because”—he slid a finger along her neck and watched her eyes grow dark with a desire she denied— “unless I miss my guess, it’s what I’m feeling as well.”

  She rose. “Nice line.” When cornered, attack. It was one of the first rules of survival she had learned in the political arena.

  He took his time rising. When he did, his presence ate away at her space. She had nowhere to go. “I don’t deal with lines. Not in the speeches I want to write, not in my life. Lines are for people who play games.”

  She looked down at the drink in her hands, avoiding his eyes. It wasn’t a cowardly act. It involved self-preservation. “If you don’t play games, how do you have fun?”

  His body was a scant inch from hers. She could feel the heat from it. “By being honest. By selecting who I spend my time with.”

  She looked pointedly toward the door. “I think it’s time you left.”

  Reid took the drink she was still holding from her hands and placed it on the coffee table next to his. “I don’t.”

  Shanna searched for bravado, wishing her knees didn’t feel like whipped butter. I really don’t care what you think, or feel.”

  Reid didn’t believe her. “Funny, I do.”

  “About yourself?” Why not? All men centered their feelings several inches below their belt line. Jordan had taught her that.

  “No.” Reid buried his fingers in her hair. “About what you think.” His eyes drifted to her lips, his very look caressing her seductively. Shanna’s breath grew shallow as her pulse began to drum madly at every available point. “And feel.”

  “What are you doing?” The question came out in a whisper.

  The smile was tender, loving. It completely undid her. “If you have to ask, it’s been one hell of a long time for you.”

  She curled her fingers about his forearms. She meant to push him away. She was holding on to him instead. “I don’t want—“

  He wouldn’t let her finish. “I’m going to kiss you.” The words slipped along her lips, causing a tremor within her.

  She forced the words to her lips, though everything inside of her trembled. “I don’t want you to.” More than anything on this earth, she wanted him to kiss her. And nothing frightened her more.

  Reid stopped and looked deeply into her eyes. “Honestly?”

  He had pinned her with a look, pinned her so securely Shanna wanted to cry. She moistened her lips. “That is, I—“

  “If you really want me to leave, I will. I only want to stay with you if you want it, too. This has to be mutual, Shanna, or not at all.” Reid’s voice belied the emotions that were churning within him, tearing him up for want of her. He had wanted her from that very first moment on the beach.

  “Just say the words. Tell me to stop and I promise I’ll go away and leave you alone.”

  She wanted to. With all her might, she wanted to tell him to go.

  With a sob, she pulled his face down to hers and pressed her lips against his.

  She wanted this.

  Oh God, how she wanted this precious, intimate contact with a man. She wanted more than anything in the world to feel like a woman, a whole woman. She wanted that heady rush that had been promised her light-years ago when her body had first yearned to be loved. The heady rush she had never found with Jordan.

  It was absolutely illogical, bordering on insanity, what she was about to do. She was about to leap from a plane and free-fall. And she was going to do it of her own volition.

  Without a parachute.

  The only thing that was waiting for her was the ground below, and it was coming up at her at an incredibly fast speed.

  Chapter 23

  It took everything Reid had to restrain himself, to draw away from the overwhelming pull of her kiss. Never had he expected so much passion, so much hunger. On both their parts. The magnitude of it devastated him.

  Catching his breath, he lifted Shanna into his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

  Her mind and body were reduced to the consistency of taffy left out in hundred-degree weather. He desired her, really desired her. She could feel it and it roused a flame within her.

  But once Reid set her down on the floor, the old fears returned coupled with new ones. She didn’t want to become intimately involved with anyone. Her relationship with Jordan had been too painful for her to risk trying another. There were no rewards at the end, only emptiness and feelings of inadequacy.

  And yet...

  And yet Reid made her yearn for it to be possible.

  “Reid, I think…” She couldn’t talk, though the need to protest was deep within her. Shanna’s words faded from her lips like dewdrops sliding down a petal to the thirsty ground as soon as he touched her, as soon as he looked at her.

  Longing fought with fear. Longing was stronger.

  “Shh.” With gentle hands, he smoothed her hair away from her face. Since he had first seen her on the beach, he had imagined her just like this, alone in a room with him, desire vibrating between them.

  She found herself aching for his touch, wanting to feel it on every part of her body. It had been so long, so very long.

  “I think—“ she tried again, but without feeling.

  He kissed each eye as it fluttered closed beneath his lips. “You think too much, Shanna.”

  Her lids felt heavy, her limbs drugged even as excitement pulsed through her soul. His mouth seemed to awaken every nerve ending in her face and neck. What was he doing to her? The merest touch and she felt herself falling apart. There were diametrically opposed reactions taking place all through her. Ready, yet hesitant. Weak, yet strong. She was solid, yet everything within her felt liquid. A complete caldron of feelings was all tumbling together.

  “You don’t play fair,” she moaned. Only part of her was resisting the madness, the rush that was pulling at her. The rest was racing toward it, even though she knew only disappointment waited for her.

  But what if perhaps, just this once ... ?

  “I don’t play at all.” Reid stopped and looked into her eyes, his own deadly serious. “I told you, no games, Shanna.” Slowly he slid his hands along the length of her arms. “I’ve wanted you ever since I saw you sitting there alone on the beach.”

  It seemed like a million years ago and yet only yesterday. “But you didn’t do anything about it.” It had surprised her, she remembered, the ease with which he had retreated. “You just walked away.”

  “You were married then,” he reminded her. Tilting his head, he lightly pressed his lips to her throat. The pulse there jumped and throbbed. Her reaction heightened his own arousal.

  Her head swimming, she had trouble concentrating on what he was saying. “And that made a difference?”

  “It did to me,” he whispered against her skin, creating tidal waves of unquenchable desire within her.

  Her body heated quickly, every part tingling. It had been over two years since she had experienced anything remotely like this, over two years since anyone had even so much as touched her. She hadn’t allowed it. Now she was hungry, so incredibly hungry.

  Yet something within her pulled back, remembering th
e way it had been. Remembering the yearning that went unfulfilled, the needs that had gone unsatisfied. She didn’t want to rush toward a peak, waiting, wanting, only to find herself there alone. She couldn’t bear that sort of disappointment again.

  Make me trust you, Reid.

  She splayed her hands against his chest, thinking that she was pushing him back while her fingers only managed to tangle themselves in his shirt. “Reid.”

  Panicky protest surrounded his name. She was afraid, he thought. He could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice. Why? Had Jordan somehow distorted all this for her? Had he ruined what could be the most beautiful, giving act between a man and a woman?

  Reid cupped her face in his hands, his voice low and gentle. “I’ll go slow, Shanna, I promise. We’ll take every step together.”

  He took her on the journey slowly, easily. But the fire came oh so fast. He wasn’t just tearing off her clothes, eager to get into her body, eager to take his pleasure and be done with it. It wasn’t just a singular thing for him. Reid was trying to give her pleasure. The thought burst upon her like a comet streaking across the darken sky.

  Shanna wanted to cry.

  It was a fantasy come to life. A dream. She slid her hands along his hard, muscular back, pressing him to her. No, it wasn’t a dream. He was here, beside her, making love to every inch of her body just by skimming his hand along the length of it. He was doing it by kissing her face, her eyes, her throat. Each kiss he brushed along her lips bloomed, deepening, taking her to dark, exotic places where she had never been. This was more exciting, more wondrous than anything she had ever experienced. And they were still standing up. Weren’t they?

  Shanna forced open her eyes, hardly realizing, until she did so, that they had drifted shut. She wanted to look at him. “We’re still dressed?” she asked incredulously.

  She was so adorably sweet, he wanted to laugh, but he didn’t. Somehow instinct told him that would be the worse thing to do.

  “A situation that can be remedied. But not,” he warned, “too quickly.” Reid grinned wickedly as he toyed with the top button of her blouse, slowly working it free of the hole. “Remember how you unwrapped my gift? You said you liked savoring the surprise. I’ve given that a great deal of thought and decided that your approach definitely has its merits.”