by Katie Cross
Today, however, a quiet evening alone sounded exactly opposite from what I usually wanted. Giggling with Ava or just being in the same room as Benjamin, even if I never once had his attention, sounded far better.
What an entirely new feeling.
Before I lost my courage, I sent my next message and held my breath.
Serafina: You up for a home cooked Sunday meal? My mom made way too much pot roast and I'm willing to share.
His reply came immediately after.
Benjamin: Only if you bring yourself over with it and stay to eat. We just rented a new princess movie, so you can't get out of that.
I let out a little squeal.
Serafina: Princess movies are my jam! On my way.
14
Benjamin
“I come bearing gifts!” Serafina cried.
I opened the front door to find her carrying a massive crock pot, clad in fuzzy purple slippers that would have frightened a lesser man, and several bags over her arm. A pair of aviators hid her eyes from me, but didn't dim the immediate joy I felt seeing her again.
“You do way too much for us already.”
“I love it!”
“Then welcome,” I said, “and let me take that.”
She gratefully handed the crock pot over, and the meaty, home-cooked-goodness smell of a pot roast bubbled out. What smelled better than slow cooked potatoes, carrots, onions, or meat on a Sunday afternoon? Absolutely nothing.
Except maybe the waft of coconut that came in with her.
In the kitchen, she unburdened herself of the bags, then extracted a new coloring book, a package of paints, a t-shirt with neon green glitter that said rockstar, and a giant roll of cookie dough from one.
“From my mother.” She slid the glasses on top of her head. “She moonlights as the Easter bunny.”
My eyes widened. “All of that is from your parents?”
“Yep.”
“Wow. No wonder Ava loves them.” That felt awkward the moment I said it, considering the fact that I had also met them. Was I supposed to love them also? “Meeting your parents was fun,” I added, in case she noticed the stumble.
She illuminated like a Christmas tree.
“They are very fun. I'm glad you got to meet them. They were obviously in love with Ava.” She gestured to the gifts. “So thank you for letting them spoil her.”
“They were so . . .”
“Extra?”
“Bright.” I cracked half a smile. “I was going to say bright. Happy. Fun. My parents were always so serious. The best word for Mom is stressed-out, and Dad . . .” I trailed off. “He was . . . sad.”
Her expression fell. “I read about your Dad. I'm sorry.”
My eyebrow quirked. Dad had committed suicide years ago after a tragic accident left him paralyzed from the waist down. He'd battled hard for years, but finally succumbed to the deep depression that consumed him after.
“Where did you read about him?” I asked.
Not a hint of abashedness showed on her face, even though I was ready to grill her on what else she read about me . . . and whether she believed it. The privacy invasion of the media in my life had been a blitz. Ironically, Sadie had sheltered me from much of it through her job, but once she left, it hit like a firehose. Even now, I still felt twitchy about people knowing anything about me that I hadn’t told them personally.
Serafina waved a hand. “In a magazine or something sometime after the gym opened, I can't remember.”
“It's been hard to work through it because my family isn't big on communicating. There certainly isn't the same sense of support that I saw from your parents, unless you talk about siblings. Maverick has always been in my corner.”
She smiled. “I can tell. You two have always seemed close. I mean, you're not tattoo-level like I am with him, but he seems fond of you.”
A lot of thoughts occurred to me then. About my brother, this conversation, and the thought that had been rotating around my head that told me so much of her brightness probably stemmed from such unconditional parental love. But the one that thought that rose above all centered on her lips.
With forced effort, I pulled the silverware tray out of the dishwasher and focused on that. Serafina grabbed the cookie dough and slipped over to the fridge, her obnoxious slippers wide enough to sweep the floor with.
“I promised Mom I'd let Ava eat some of the cookie dough if you're cool with that, before we make the cookies.”
I shrugged. “Why even bother to bake them?”
“A man after my own heart.”
Something in that phrase caught me. That was Serafina. Her tongue was fast, blithe, and never embarrassed. I couldn't fathom how she did it. Before I could make an awkward response like marry me right now, she peered around and asked, “Speaking of, where is Ava?”
“Outside with a sprinkler.”
Her head turned to look that way, and I caught her profile. Lovely, sloping nose. Elegant neck. Wild, curly hair. Somehow, it just fit her. The urge to grab her wrist and slam her against my chest was almost overpowering, so I turned back to a stack of clean dishes that sat on the counter before I went full caveman.
“Your parents left?” I asked over my shoulder as I tucked some bowls away.
Serafina dropped onto a stool as the sound of a happy, girlish shriek came from outside. Ava darted by, skirting the edge of the sprinkler like she didn't want to get wet, even though that had been her exact request twenty minutes ago.
“Yeah.” She propped her chin in a hand. “Their flight leaves this evening and they wanted to stop a few places before they went.”
“Any word from Talmage?”
I managed to ask the question without adding the bastard at the end, the way I did in my head. Only her familial, genetic relationship with him and the pain in her eyes every time this topic came up stopped me. Still, I wasn't about to act like he didn't exist. Both of them needed to know I was tracking him.
“No.” She tapped her other fingernails on the counter. “Which is probably just as well, for now. I texted him before I came over, but haven't heard back.”
“If you ever need to go see him, let me know. I'd be happy to go with you if you needed or wanted someone else there.”
The tension in her bled away. She smiled and it warmed her eyes.
“Thanks, Ben. Such a great friend.”
I don't want to be your friend, I almost said.
I held her gaze, feeling like a sucker punch to the gut when she didn't look away. If gazes could ignite, my house would have been on fire. Despite the softness about her that always drew me in, I sensed an untamed wildfire beneath all that curly hair.
Seconds later, a dripping wet Ava stormed into the room.
“Sera!” she cried, then ran into Serafina's awaiting arms and clutched her legs tightly. Wet impressions remained behind, but Sera ignored them to wrap her arms around her. The moment broke. With a long exhale, I turned back to the dishwasher. Watching Serafina with my daughter gratified an instinct deep inside me.
“You are an expert sprinkler-runner,” Serafina said, crouched down next to her. “I've been watching and I'm impressed.”
“Thanks!” Ava's nose scrunched as she stopped jumping long enough to peer on the counter. “Did you bring dinner?”
“I did.”
“Hooray!” Ava leaped again, whooping, and disappeared out the back door. Laughing, Serafina followed to the doorway. She stood there and watched for several minutes, her hip cocked to the side in an attractive curve as she occasionally called out a score from 1-10—it was almost always 15. I finished the dishes, feeling marginally better for having done some work in my own home, then followed over. I stood a few steps away, just to keep my hands where they belonged, and not on the small of her back. Or the curve of her ribs. The hollow of her neck.
The very soft pillow of her lips.
“Ben?”
Jerked from my thoughts, I looked up to see Sera watching me with an amuse
d smile. “Did I lose you?” she asked.
“Sorry, what?”
She tilted her head outside in a motion that suggested she'd already said something while I mused about kissing her until she was weak in my arms.
“Ava. She doesn't have a lot of friends around here, does she?”
My gaze filtered through our backyard. There was no fence and only a small patch of grass that Ava ran through now. The property opened onto the curve of the river not too far away, and contained mostly scrub and bush. Along the river edge was a foot trail that runners and people who wanted to walk their dogs off leash would occasionally slip by. A few houses littered the road farther back into the canyon, but the trees hid them, and there were only two or three. Pineville was only a mile or so to the north, but the house had been built into a curve of the mountain so only one or two properties were visible from “town”.
“Ava's never been very excited about other kids,” I said with a frown, thinking back to the times when Sadie had still been alive and I visited Ava. “Even as a toddler.”
“Was she not around them much?”
“It's hard to say.”
Serafina's brow puckered as she seemed to think that over. “Dagny knows almost everyone here. I wonder if she could introduce me to some of the parents of the other girls. Maybe we can do some play dates or something.”
“That sounds great.”
She made a noise of agreement, but hadn't peeled her eyes away from Ava. Water flashed in the fading sunlight as it sank behind the mountain at our back. Now that I watched Ava, it did seem sad that she was out there by herself. But to reach out to other parents and schedule play dates? Never would have thought of that.
I ran a hand through my hair, shocked yet again by the vastness of this parenting job. No one trained me for this. How the hell was I supposed to know that Ava needed playdates with girls her age? Maybe it was obvious to everyone but me. To me, Ava was shy. Did that need to be fixed?
Serafina distracted me from my mental spiral when she put a hand on my arm. The heat of her fingertips brushed against the hair on my forearm, then was gone, a trail of fire in its wake.
“I'm starving,” she said as she moved toward the pot roast. “Can we eat now?”
“Yes, please.”
Anything to get my mind off you, I mentally pleaded, then whistled for Ava.
One hilarious dinner, two hungry girls, and three helpings of pot roast later, darkness had started to settle on the world outside. Twilight brought the quiet call of nesting birds, the scent of dry sage, and the gentle calm of the mountain air as it wafted inside. With a stomach full of delicious food, the promise of cookie dough later, and Serafina's rich coconut smell in my hair, I wanted to do this evening again.
And again.
And again.
Ava hopped into a quick bath while Serafina and I, without the need to converse, cleaned up dinner.
Now, the princess movie threw light on the dark room as the three of us finally settled on the couch. Serafina sat on the other side, one leg tucked under her the way she always had. Ava plopped herself in between us, a ratty old blanket in her hands. I took the other end of the extremely comfortable couch and tried to pretend I wasn't picturing me in the middle, with one girl snuggled up on either side.
Just before the movie started, Serafina whispered something in Ava's ear. She darted upstairs and returned seconds later with a brush and several hair ties. Without a word, Ava settled on the floor in front of Serafina. The movie started with the quiet purr of a brush through still-wet hair. Relief that I didn't have to be the one focusing on those braids followed a tight knot of affection.
This was so easy for Serafina.
So natural. I'd never seen anything so attractive in my life. I kept my focus on the movie so I didn't send too-hot looks to my daughter's . . . what? Friend? She certainly wasn't here to work tonight, so she wasn't a babysitter or nanny. Hardly an employee. Caretaker? That sounded too . . . old.
What would happen as Sera was seen with Ava? For the most part, the media left Ava alone. They'd come into the MMA Center to deal with me, but rarely was I pursued out of that anymore.
But if I dated someone, would that change?
While the movie played and my thoughts grew in intensity, I found myself caught in a storm of potential web of social media articles and news displays that would plaster Sera's face all over the world. The potential headlines ran through my mind like a ticker-tape.
MMA Star Dates Nanny.
Ben Mercedy Steps Into a New Ring
Classic blunder. Could have seen that one coming miles away. And I already had seen it coming. In fact, I'd thought about a relationship with Serafina way too much the past couple of days.
So why did I invite her to stay and eat with us on our day off? Why did I feel like this house wasn't quite so empty when she was in it?
Nannies took care of the kids, not the dads. Serafina was definitely taking care of more than just Ava. She'd started to turn both of our lives into something not-so-overwhelming. Which meant she wasn't the nanny. More like my life manager. I almost snorted. That was probably exactly what I needed.
Until I felt the gentle brush of a stray toe and heard a quiet sigh, I hadn't realized how deep into my thoughts I'd spiraled. My gaze had remained on the TV, but hadn't comprehended a single image. At least thirty minutes had passed and I couldn't even remember the main character's name.
When I glanced over, my heart leapt into my throat.
Ava had fallen asleep sprawled on top of Serafina. Sera hadn't noticed yet, her bent elbow propped on the end of the couch and her head resting in it. She watched the screen with rapt attention. Her fingers toyed with a curl of Ava's hair where it looped at the end of her braid.
Serafina looked up to me as if she sensed my gaze, then at Ava, and her own smile stole across her face. The movie, and the presence of my daughter, saved me from grabbing Serafina's face and kissing her breathless. The main character fell off her horse and into a well. While she wept quietly at the bottom I whispered, “So what is it with princesses anyway?”
Serafina rolled her eyes, but she smiled too much for me to take her for face value. “It's . . . I don't know. For girls this age? It's just fun to imagine.”
“The tiaras?”
“So important. Ava's six,” she said quietly. “Things like that are just . . . fun.”
“Fighting is fun.”
“For her thirty-something father, yes. But she's a little girl.”
“Please tell me there's something else besides princess movies Ava and I could do together.”
Serafina quieted her laughter. Ava didn't even stir, but Serafina hadn't stopped playing with her hair yet. I wondered if Ava liked that kind of touch. Like me, she'd always been prickly about people in her personal bubble. All those boundaries seemed to have melted away the moment Serafina appeared in her life. Maybe Ava was just waiting for the right person.
Same, baby girl, I thought. At least my daughter and I had one thing in common. If there was anything I wanted to happen, it was Serafina's touch. Her hands on my skin. Her lips working against mine until both of us were out of air.
“So much you could do together,” Sera finally said. “Make the cookies with her. Go shopping. Paint your toenails.”
I held up two hands. “Whoa.”
“For your daughter!” she whisper-cried. “C'mon. You don't have to show them off. Anyone would understand.”
“My guys would destroy me.”
Her eyes sparkled when she said, “It might be worth it to win over some affection? At the very least, let me buy her some new clothes.”
“Hey! I just bought her those clothes.”
She grimaced. “I know.”
“They're girly and pink!”
She tilted her head back and forth, an uncertain grimace on her face. Appalled, I put a hand on my chest and pointed to Ava’s pajamas.
“Pink,” I said, as if that explained everyth
ing.
“Pink GI Joes.” She shook her head, hair bouncing. “Sorry but she likes bunnies and kittens and tiaras and female superheroes. Plus, she doesn’t like pink. She told me that yesterday. She prefers purple.”
I blinked several times. Sure, I'd desperately bought most of her clothes when I realized, one day before school started, that she'd outgrown almost all the stuff we'd brought from Sadie's house. Just grabbed all the clothes in the right size—which had actually been the wrong one—when I was at the store. Ava had never seemed excited about her clothes, but what kid cared about clothes? When I was little, they were my ticket to getting outside and in the mud. Mom wouldn't let me play naked, though heaven knows I tried.
Serafina put a hand on my arm. “Don't beat yourself up. You're doing great, Ben. You clearly love her. She just . . . she's sort of hesitant about you and I haven't figured out why yet. But I will. I promise. In the meantime, some toenail polish, female superhero pajamas, and a tiara or two would go a long way.”
My emotions must have been more transparent than I expected, because she'd driven right to the heart of my thoughts.
“Thanks,” I said.
Ava let out a little sigh and wiggled her shoulders. While Sera turned off the princess movie with the remote, I wrapped my arms around Ava's shoulders and hefted her into my arms. She lay completely limp against me, her head on my shoulder, and I couldn't deny that feeling her weight gave me a father's reassurance. There was something about being able to carry her up the stairs and tuck her into bed that felt like a win. Maybe because my own father couldn't have. Maybe because I had her in my life, now. When Sadie was alive, this sort of simple routine had never been an option.
Which meant that Serafina had a point.
I was doing okay, and I did love Ava. Things as a single father were stressful and imperfect, but they'd been blind and terrifying when Sadie kept Ava from me. When she told lies that I knew were lies but couldn't prove. I'd much rather have stress and imperfection than what it had been.
