Fighter

by Katie Cross

  The man needed some firmer grounding right now.

  “How was your day?” I asked.

  Although tempted to let my hand drop, to guard against what could be a rejection from him now that he'd processed our kiss, I didn't. I left my fingers there to burn against his skin, and it took a considerable amount of courage not to slowly peel away.

  His hand reached out and touched my face.

  “I missed you,” he said quietly.

  I let out a long breath, and the whole day behind me felt silly in an instant. How had I even doubted? The passion in his gaze cut right to my heart. I reached up, touched his hand, and threaded my fingers through his.

  “I missed you.”

  “I'm sorry I didn't text you,” he said. “I suck at this. I . . . I was afraid that I came on too strong last night. That you'd start to get tired of me. Of us. So I wanted to give you space in case that was what you needed.”

  The fear in his voice softened everything inside me. My lips twitched a little as I said, “You're doing a lot of thinking for me.”

  He considered that, then sighed. “I didn't think of that.”

  “Benjamin?”

  He'd moved closer, just enough that I could smell him again. Memories of his sheets, the scent of his pillow, washed over me like a warm wind. I swallowed, my eyes darting to his lips and then back. My stomach tightened with warmth and it took all I had not to utterly throw myself into his arms again.

  “Yes?”

  “Can I kiss you now?”

  His lips moved into a smile. His hand slipped to my neck, where the tip of his thumb ran along my lower jaw. The touch of his palm felt hot against the back of my neck.

  “I thought you'd never ask.”

  Like magnets, our lips found each other again. Tonight, though, the frantic buzz of energy had faded. Some sort of hunger always burned hot in Benjamin, but tonight it had been tamed. Whether it was his jog home, a long day at the gym, or distance from the experience with his Mom, I didn't know. But it translated to a calm touch for such a strong fighter of a man. His lips were so warm. His touch was so gentle. My heart flopped in my chest like a dying thing. And even though we hardly touched at all, my entire body felt like it was on fire.

  When he pulled away, he didn't go far. His eyelashes batted open and gazed so deep into my soul I thought he knew everything. The intensity of our stare caught me up in it, and I couldn't have looked away if I wanted to.

  “It was a rough day at work,” he said. “Frustrating. Just . . . normal stuff, but still frustrating. Knowing that, at the end of it, I’d come home and you'd be here gave me such relief. I was worried that you would be distant or upset or frustrated. So I'm even more relieved to see none of that's true.”

  My fingers found a lock of his hair on his forehead and pushed the tumbling tendril away. I smiled softly.

  “I'm here,” I murmured. “Always for you.”

  Ben leaned back, grabbed a pillow, put it on his lap, and pulled me onto it. I lay across him and closed my eyes. He played with some of my curls with gentle fingers, the tips of his finger scraping my scalp in a soft way. His head was tipped back, his entire body relaxed. I wasn't sure whether playing with my hair was for his benefit, or mine.

  “How was your day?” he asked with a wry smile and one hand on my hip. “Give it to me.”

  And so I did.

  When I unloaded the day without the context of my spiraling thoughts, I realized that it really had been a good day. Easygoing, the way I liked it. At the end of my retelling, his fingers stopped. He stiffened suddenly.

  “We didn't talk about how things went with Ava while I was gone. Wasn't there something you wanted to tell me about Sadie?”

  Ah, tension. How quickly such a fickle mistress returned. Just Sadie's name garnered the same reaction in him. I sat up, shoving the hair out of my face. Wariness had replaced the hints of passion in his gaze.

  “Right,” I murmured. “I'd forgotten in all that mess last night. Ava talked about her mother and it . . . wasn't what I expected.”

  His throat bobbed as he swallowed. He looked ready to take a sucker punch. From what I knew of Sadie, I wasn't surprised. A lift of his eyebrows was my only encouragement to continue.

  “It was at the store.” I tugged on my own hair now, suddenly nervous. Would he be mad? What if I hadn't handled it the way he would have wished? Perhaps I should have said something different. I wasn't truly ready for this level of parenting. “She was weird about buying new clothes.”

  He frowned, as if he agreed, but said nothing, so I laid it out from start to finish. His expression didn't waver, except to go farther into his frown. I leaned against the back of the couch with one shoulder and stared at him in the shadows. His heavy brow fell on top of a stare that glowered at the coffee table.

  “Sadie told her she'd never be happy here?” he asked quietly.

  “Among other things. That's what Ava said, anyway. Sounded like Sadie just didn't want her to go to you. Maybe she knew that Ava would be happier with you, or something. She is happier here, with you. She told me that herself.”

  His nostrils flared as he shook his head, but he didn't seem to hear that most important part. For several moments more, he seemed to process what I'd told him, then stood up. When he paced, he looked like a caged panther again. Regret that I hadn't thought to tell him this last night, when he had something appropriate to punch, washed through me. This wasn't the sort of news that any father would be glad to hear, but Benjamin was already so insecure about his parenting.

  “That's Sadie.” He laughed, but it was mirthless and bitter. “If she wasn't with me, she didn't want me to win. She was competitive to the point of brutality. Even with her daughter.”

  I curled one leg into my chest and the other one underneath me while I attempted to put my thoughts together in a way that didn't make me sound like a shrew. “I'm sorry about Sadie. I . . . I'm sad that Ava had to lose her in such a permanent way, but I'm grateful she's with a more stable parent now.”

  He snorted and ran a hand through his hair. “Hardly stable.”

  “Ben, you're doing great.”

  “Sadie was . . . she took over everything. Sucked up all my energy. She took, and took, and took. Never gave back.”

  He finished his bold statement quietly, and something cold grew in me. Hadn't Ben expressed a similar sort of insecurity before?

  You do way too much for us already, he'd said when I brought the pot roast.

  His words rang hollow through my mind. A dramatic shift occurred in him now as he sat back down, but this time across from me. The warm, sweet Benjamin had disappeared entirely under the landslide of this stressed-out version. He didn't look at me as he immediately stood back up, and the dark feeling inside of me continued.

  “Thank you.” He oozed formality now, and I suddenly felt like the nanny. “Your response was perfect, and she talked about her clothes all morning. I'm beat from the day and I'm sure you are as well. Let's get you home while I . . . figure all this out.”

  My heart crinkled inside me with a cry. No! I wanted to say. Don't put distance between us now. No walls. No fear. No self-berating.

  But the words stalled in my throat, because I saw the ugly brewing in his gaze. The rage at his deceased ex-wife. The frustration. Sadie had created unnecessary obstacles for the happiness of both father and daughter, and the legacy played out now in interesting ways. I wasn't someone that could help him pull those down yet. Not until he let me in. As far as I'd come with Benjamin, and I suspected there hadn't been any others after Sadie, there was still so far to go.

  “Of course,” I said instead. “Let me just grab my shoes.”

  Without a word, he filed into the garage and I followed, my heart heavy as a leaden weight inside me.

  19

  Benjamin

  That night, I stared at my ceiling with an electric current of frustration that made it impossible to sleep. Sadie haunted my thoughts, staining the enti
re day with the same vile spirit she brought to my life even from the grave.

  My fists clenched as I thought of what Sadie said to Ava. Ava, her daughter. My thoughts spiraled.

  How was I supposed to fix this?

  Would Ava ever trust me?

  What did I even do with this kind of a problem?

  Parenting was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Ava looked to me as the one that was supposed to know everything, but she'd freak out if she realized how little I knew what I was doing.

  No, I had no idea.

  And I'd been a total jerk to Serafina afterward. Distant. Stiff. Didn't speak on the way back to the Frolicking Moose, where she'd given me a warm, but nervous smile, then went inside without a word. And I'd let her go, like an idiot. Because... why?

  Why would I do that?

  I rubbed a hand across my chest. I didn't know why I did that. Sadie had her fingers in everything, and that was my fault because I let her take over places she shouldn't be able to go, but she still did. Most of the time, I could forget just how manipulative she'd been. But moments like this made it abundantly clear.

  When it came to women, just like parenting, I had no idea what I was doing.

  For the tenth time, I punched my pillow, flipped onto my stomach, and hoped that sleep would come. Tomorrow was another long day of training, and I owed Serafina something. An explanation about the sudden reluctance. The fear. The way my throat closed off when I thought of Serafina, because Sadie quickly followed.

  I didn't have an explanation for my sudden panic, and one didn't seem to be coming anytime soon.

  20

  Serafina

  The phone rang empty in my ear yet again.

  Annoyed, I slammed the old thing back on the Diner wall and folded my arms across my middle. Dagny sent me a questioning glance.

  “My brother.” I frowned. “He's not answering.”

  Dagny rolled her eyes. “G-good. D-d-don't go over there. I still haven't f-f-forgotten what he did to you, even if you have.”

  I ignored that. Mom's plea yesterday slipped back through my mind, followed by an uneasy feeling that all wasn't well with Tamage. The torn part of me resurrected. He could have killed you, said one side, but the other whispered, he's your brother. If he can't rely on you, who can he rely on?

  The evening with Benjamin followed those thoughts with a rush of frustration. Telling Benjamin what had happened had definitely been the right thing to do, but I couldn't help my regret that he'd immediately shoved distance between us. I wasn't Sadie.

  But did he know that?

  Was I overreacting?

  For the tenth time, I set it aside in my mind. Benjamin had had a bad day, that was all. The fact that he hadn't texted me today was normal, except now it felt like a sign of doom. Ben had never been a big texter. Now, his communication while with his family seemed miraculous. Besides, I couldn't overthink my way into something that wasn't even real. He tended to do that enough for the both of us.

  Dagny distracted me from my own mind when she frowned as she peered through the swinging doors.

  “What's wrong?” I asked.

  “N-nothing. J-just . . . Jayson is back.”

  “Hernandez?” I asked. So few people called him Jayson, it seemed strange to hear his real name from her.

  She nodded and pressed her lips together.

  “You don't want to serve him?”

  “No.”

  She stated it simply, which wasn't unusual. Dagny had a rotating list of people she'd rather not serve, but I hadn't realized Hernandez made the cut.

  “But . . . why? He's so sweet.”

  She scoffed, then grabbed two menus and slipped out. I watched her go in bemusement. Dagny had always been painfully shy, but I'd never met anyone so shy they didn't want to speak to Hernandez.

  With a sigh, I sent my Mom a text.

  Serafina: Sorry, Mom, didn't get over to T's last night. I'll try after work today.

  * * *

  Mom: No worries. Still no word from him. Do you have Amber's number?

  The sight of Amber's name on my phone made me physically nauseous. Definitely didn't have her number, but realized too late maybe I should have had a way to run her down if I needed to.

  Because, you know. Why not have your brother's dealer on speed dial?

  Just in case.

  Serafina: No, I never got her number.

  * * *

  Mom: Me either.

  * * *

  Serafina: I'm sure that's no accident.

  * * *

  Mom: Last I heard from him was a text a few days ago. He said everything is fine.

  * * *

  Serafina: I'll report back soon.

  Dagny returned and hooked a thumb to the Diner. “J-jayson wants to t-talk to you.”

  I peeked around her shoulder. Hernandez stood not far away, this time in his full deputy uniform. Instead of sitting at the counter, he stood not far away.

  Here on official business?

  My heart turned into a ball of ice as I followed her out. Only two patrons were in the Diner as I stepped out, Dagny a step behind me. She peeled away, but stayed close.

  Jayson gave me a gentle half smile. “Hey Serafina, everything is fine. I'm not here to tell you about Talmage's death or anything.”

  Relief nearly swept me away. “Thank you,” I said with a breathy sigh. “Can I get you something?”

  “Coffee to go?”

  “Sure.”

  “I do have some questions though.” He followed on the other side of the counter as I slipped over to the coffee machine and reached for a to-go cup.

  “About Talmage?” I asked as I reached for the coffee. My stomach revolted again. Had Talmage gotten into something even worse already? Jayson just drummed his fingers on the counter with a poker face that probably got him on the force in the first place.

  “He's dating Amber Wilson, right?”

  “Reputedly.”

  He snorted. “Have you seen her around at all?”

  His inquiring tone changed slightly. Probing, almost tentative. I didn't like that at all. The coffee felt warm on my fingertips as I poured it into his cup and reached for a lid.

  “Amber and I aren't exactly the best of friends,” I said as I set it down. “The only time I ever hear from her is when she's lurking around Talmage's house. Now that I live at the coffee shop, I haven't seen her once. Why?”

  “Just looking into a few things.”

  “Have you seen Talmage?”

  He shook his head. “Not recently.”

  “Me either.” I chewed on my bottom lip. Perhaps I could solve two problems at once. The problem of Talmage's silence, and the awkwardness of asking Benjamin to go over with me while Ben was . . . floundering. “Would you . . . would you be willing to help me out?” I asked.

  “With what?”

  “I want to go to Talmage's and check on him, but I'm not sure it would be wise to do it alone. No one in my family has heard from him and I don't have a car that I could just drive by. I work non-stop so there's no time to ride my bike over there.”

  Jayson nodded once. “Let's call it a welfare check. When do you want to go?”

  Overhead, the clock moved slowly toward noon. I reached for my apron, then called to Dagny, “Can you cover for me while I take my lunch?”

  She gave me a thumbs up. I reached for my apron strings and said to Jayson, “Right now?”

  He swept up his cup. “Let's go.”

  Riding in Jayson's truck with him was intimidating at first. His canine, Odin, whined gently in the back as we pulled out of the Diner parking lot. Low-level radio chatter rang in the background, and equipment cluttered every available spot. As we started to drive, I didn't need to direct Jayson anywhere.

  “Do you know where everyone lives?”

  He grinned a quick smile. “Pretty much. Perks of small town deputy life.”

  I tucked my hands under my legs as we rode, feeling an acute sense of fear
. Whether it was just nerves, or something more, I didn't feel right. A nagging something was eating at me, and I felt deep in my bones that it was about Talmage.

  “So,” Jayson drawled. “You and Benjamin, huh?”

  Heat leapt to my cheeks. Stupid. Cheeks. They always gave me away. I didn't look at him, but wasn't about to deny it either.

  “Yep.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught his grin. “You got a good one. Tough one, but good.”

  Whether he meant tough in physical or emotional terms, I wasn't so sure anymore. For his steel-like exterior, Benjamin was a mess of a man. Tonight would give me a better idea of where things lie between us. He'd had some space and time to work through the Sadie revelation, which couldn't have been easy.

  Now, I had to face my brother.

  Or so I hoped.

  Less than three minutes later, Jayson pulled to a gentle stop in the road just outside Talmage's place. My hands felt weak in my lap when I peered out on the unkempt lawn and weeds spiraling onto the grass from the field behind the house. A note fluttered on the door, and I wondered what it said. The inside was dark.

  “This is it, right?” Jayson asked, but I could sense he already knew the answer. Of course he knew. Jayson had responded to my call the last time Talmage freaked out. But an awkward silence had started once we pulled up, and I realized he was waiting for me to make the next move. My ribs still ached from my last experience here every now and then. I put a hand on that spot from the memory and managed to nod.

  “Yeah.”

  “You good, Sera?” he asked.

  “Fine.” I swallowed. “I just . . . I don't have a great feeling about this.”

  Jayson popped his door open. “How about I go in first? Unlikely he's going to try anything while I'm here.”