The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  It is simply too self consciously modest to harbour these away in cellars and attics, as it never hurts to let people know how and when you were outstanding. And if such reminders are not presently on your chest, then display them in a glass wall cabinet at the top of stairs or in the hallways leading to your reception rooms.

  It is permissible, concerning an award for outstanding valour, to provide martial background music and spotlighting of the medal. But it is extreme bad taste to show a film recording of the event in which you heroically won it.

  Upon Walking into Places as If You Own Them

  In daily partaking of your pleasures this is a handy demeanour which is best perfected by practising on a place you would not like to own. Choose the worst dump in town. Practise your demeanour there. If you don’t get shot, busted on the jaw or arrested then assume this same demeanour back in the best place in town. Where you’re damn sure to get shot, busted on the jaw and arrested.

  Upon Feeling Out of Place

  If you have any finer feelings or dignity at all, this will happen everywhere. But it only means that heinous other people have got there first Never stick around till you get used to it, or just like the boorish, you will feel thoroughly at home.

  Upon Folk Putting Their Feet Up on Your Furniture

  People usually take this unpleasant liberty if your house is not fully furnished or if you have said you bought a piece of furniture cheap. But whatever you do in this world, don’t let people put their god damn feet up on your furniture. Approach immediately to where their feet are and stand and stare. Should the feet remain, announce in an extremely angered voice.

  ‘Get your god damn feet down offen my property.’

  By appending en to off, making the word offen, it will make it sound as if in the heat of the moment, your accent slipped and your opponent will come to fear that another much darker person is hidden by the usually affable you. Upon whom he cannot lightly dare wipe his tootsies.

  Upon Travelling in Space

  When your fellow passenger’s dinner floats away from his mouth with weightlessness, gently push it back in his direction. Be doubly careful at your toiletries and remember, breaking wind in these rarefied atmospheres can be positively dangerous.

  Arriving on the foreign planet, do not display your clod hopping primitive ways but attempt to imitate their modern ones. And don’t above all try to get funny by telling a long string of earthy jokes to the first foreigner you see. Nor attempt any carnal linkage or saucy dovetailing until you know for sure where to put your what for into their this is it. Also you better hope to god you can get it out again. As you wouldn’t know what the hell kind of magnetics they’ve got out there in some of them galaxies.

  Upon Being a Big Shot

  Choose places where there is a sufficient audience. And be sporting enough to ask the small time people present about themselves. Particularly their mothers. Indeed the remark.

  ‘She must have been a remarkable woman.’

  Nearly always says enough to your opponent to remind him that he can bet his life yours was.

  Upon Ennobling Your Noble Spirit

  Enter company shyly. Make it a habit to order the large size of anything. Never walk forth and introduce yourself or heap helpings from your host’s sideboard without being beseeched for the second time to do so. Never fear to chat with chaps who have been knocked on their arses by misfortune. Instead of befriending the mighty, be kind to little children. Demand a good price for anything you sell and never pay over the market for anything you buy. Screw other men’s wives only when they implore you to.

  Upon Being Cultured

  Your bowels should move better than those who are not.

  Upon Being Unknown

  Always wear a miffed demeanour. But for this to matter in the least, someone has got to wonder who the fuck you are. And he could be trying to collect taxes.

  Fame and Celebrity

  As these come to you, let them go to your head. Among personal friends do not remain just the same old ordinary bloke they used to know. Although the advantages of your notability can suddenly desert you in the middle of a foreign desert or jungle or wherever illiteracy is rife, it can nevertheless be extremely useful in helping you get found when they hear back in civilization that you are lost.

  Treat your fans well. But be churlish when they follow you around the clock, even though they like to see you sensational and smiling. And blush if they tend to tear your clothes off. Wear suitable garments which come apart easily and in a manner that your most ardent followers will at least get a handful if not a feel of you.

  Upon the Display of Sun Tan

  If you are blessed with a little black blood, this leisured look crisping of the epidermis is not a problem. But as the lizard like brown hardens over the years on your sack of haggard old bones, don’t smile. As this can make you look like you’re grinning out of the grave.

  On Tipping

  Dropping the foreign coin into the palm causes uncomfortable peering by your opponent into that area as he holds it closely to his side wondering what it is worth. And it is permissible to shout back if you are accused of being a cheapskate, piker or other odious non tipping thing, that your adversary should apply to a charitable institution to obtain his handouts. Most of your better folk anyway would rather receive a sincere smile and a heartfelt thanks. However, the rich get everything they want this way. And the poor, less than they would like.

  Upon Being Snubbed

  Everyone is snubbed for a good reason. This either firms up the character or destroys it entirely. But as soon as possible let yourself get god damn furious at this inattention. The voids out there in the world where you must drag your feet are windy and lonely and anger is good company. Meanwhile take solace from the fact that it is unlikely you will ever be kidnapped. As your miffed feelings increase to wretchedness, turn it as soon as you can into bitterness. When this is deep enough, convert it into the resolve of revenge. After this is entrenched keep enough energy left over to get rich and famous. Otherwise do not frequent where you will be spurned.

  When You Are Laughed At

  If you are not trying to be funny this is always a difficult time for your paranoia. But much will depend on the number of people guffawing at you and if the crowd gets uproarious, get yourself a manager, you could be a comedian. On the other hand, should the laughter abruptly subside, grab your hat and get ready to beat it. Jeers and rotten eggs and things much worse are often on their way.

  Upon People’s Attention Wandering as You Talk

  Remedy this damn inconsiderate and infernal cheek by a good shove right on the shoulder and a good loud shout into the ear hole. Indeed don’t even stop short of slapping the son of a bitch in the face. It’s amazing how fast folk, if they weren’t interested in what you were saying, will soon be stunned by what you’re doing.

  Upon Accepting Prizes Awards and Distinctions

  Do this gracefully and graciously. There is nothing worse than to see an overinflated ego thumbing his or her nose at the award committees and hoping thereby with this gesture to increase the publicity. Which by the way it really does.

  When giving your acceptance speech wear only your other superior rewards and medals. It is permissible to hint light-heartedly at why this present distinction hadn’t come earlier in your more unknown and needful years. But anyway, you can add, better late than never. Leave a little pause here for the nervous laughter. The audience should find you endearing.

  Upon Contributing Money

  Always do this out of the goodness of your heart for if you stop to think while you sit there reading the newspapers with these big expensive ads telling you to give, and with photographs of the chairman of these charitable organizations traipsing around in his big limo and private aircraft with luxury apartments all over the place you’d think, hey, where the hell’s my money going. It could be less agonizing to remain a confirmed cheapskate and tightwad. However, with lifeboat institutions which eff
ect rescue at sea, you might make an exception, as well as with panhandlers who are charming.

  Upon Using People for What They’re Worth

  First find out exactly how much this is, but beware as you attempt to take advantage. Folk have a devilish way of short changing you, which oft times can only be described as bitterly disheartening.

  Upon Living and Let Live

  Be sure when taking this attitude your assets or life are not in danger and that your wife is faithful. If someone is being murdered beneath your window, it is not nice to merely say, well everybody has got a time and place when they are going to get theirs. This posture although prudent raises the odds that you are also going to get yours sooner.

  Upon Heaping Abuse on the High and Mighty

  This is a symptom of knowing you are never going to be esteemed and powerful. In any event it is sporting to give the big guy a kind word once in a while. As everybody is shouting encouragement on the side of the underdog these days.

  Upon Being High and Mighty with the Low and Weak Heaping Abuse

  It is always a good thing to be away on a trip. But if they’ve got you to come out on your fortified rampart, try to look reasonable and that you are bowing to the will of the people. Remember if you insult the people everybody with their god damn paranoia rampant is going to think you are insulting them. And of course, since you are, you can have a god damn army around your castle cutting up the meadow and launching assault boats across your moat with ladders to climb your battlements, rocks to bounce off your gun slits and clubs to try to beat back your man eating dogs. Protected the way you are, you could end up with the public maimed all around you. For which you would be further reviled.

  Upon Being a Sportsman

  This can entitle you to frequent backslaps. And it is a pity that such crass stupidity accompanies this trait.

  Upon Accosting Your Trusted Manager or Accountant Who Has Been Cheating You over a Long Number of Years

  Since complaint creases the face, bothersome and deuced nuisances should not be dwelled upon. However this is generally an awful occasion which may keep you frowning awhile. Most folk stupid enough to let someone else manage their cash flow, will have no reserves. And this puts you in a vulnerable position upon appealing to your previously trusted chap’s honour which will do no good whatever except save you energy wasted in screaming hysterical abuse. Therefore further contain yourself as your opponent sits at his desk silent, letting you do all the talking, since what’s there to say when he already has long since spent all the cash and no amount of this sneaky son of a bitch’s contrite words will make up for that. And now that you don’t have a bean to sue him with also make sure you’re well dressed enough so that he doesn’t suddenly have you thrown out as a loitering vagrant.

  Upon Being Puzzled by the Meaning of Life

  Commence fasting till your perplexity is replaced by the desire for food. Should the bewilderment again return upon a full stomach, abandon the roof over your head and give away all your worldly goods until finding a place to sleep occupies your mind. Should puzzlement beset you yet again, it is proof that you have been somewhere sneakily eating and sleeping comfortably.

  Upon the Pointy Two Toned Shoe

  More grief can be dumped upon you from wearing this apparel than you would believe. Especially when some folk you met last year on the beach say these are not proper for winter wear and look like hell in the snow. With this most exasperating problem it’s best to be absolutely lyric in your defence. Because if people think you don’t know any better, wow are you going to be way down in their books, with your opponent approaching to archly ask.

  ‘Hey why the pointy two tone.’

  Slam back pronto the riposte.

  ‘Because, you objectionable pipsqueak, my soul craves through the barren cold winter some little sartorial nuance to lightly take it a step further towards spring when I’d delight to root the sharp end up your panty.’

  Upon the Light Tan Shoe

  These as footwear are at all times unforgivable and get to the nearest cow pasture fast to suitably darken them.

  Upon Being Done the Tiniest of Courtesies

  Always have ready at your fingertips a selection of grateful responses gently intensifying in gratitude. O thanks. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hey really thank you. I mean thanks a whole bunch. Holy cow thanks. Gee that was good of you. I mean to say, how nice can some people get.

  Upon Those Who Lack the Basic Human Decencies

  While you are well known to be elsewhere, they will ask to rent at an enormous rent your flat or town house you happen to keep at your convenient disposal in a well known sophisticated city. And even further suggest that the resident cook, maid and chauffeur receive extra emoluments. Aside from your wine cellar being depleted and mucho cutlery, Delft and linen missing, they will use more electricity than you ever imagined possible. The telephone bill will be stupendous. And another thing you can be sure of as well. They will not pay. They will never pay. It is even not nice to sue them. Because they have no assets. And tons of itinerant concrete nerve.

  On Wielding Disparaging and Chastening Terms Various

  Abusive unflattering words are best couched in clichés and delivered with composure which can be nicely accentuated by speaking with one’s eyes fluttering closed. But if you encounter someone pulling this on you, don’t hesitate, instantly shake the haughty nerve out of them with a non fracturing slap.

  The proper insult should contain barbed implications. This makes folk reflect before they think of physically retaliating to your horrid remarks. Popular racial terms such as wop, yid, kraut, mick, bohunk, limey, coon can increase the disendearment as does the addition of god damn. However upon the casual bad mouthing of a pair of established theatrical celebrities ethnic slurs can make way for a generally discrediting reflection.

  ‘He’s nothing but a hen pecked fart and she’s the most prurient of old hags.’

  For emergency gutter use, especially on the pavement with a stranger of obvious repellent qualities, the good old fashioned verbal blast of motherfucker may be preceded by something bitingly choice in order that it heap sufficient malediction upon your adversary.

  ‘You cocksucking motherfucker.’

  Or upon your shoe hysterically skidding in a dog’s recent steamy befoulment of the footpath, terms from the alimentary canal are suitable.

  ‘You and your bow wow, madam, are both rectums.’

  Invectives improve when preceded by the person’s colour. And black, white and yellow will be the most common ones you will encounter. Anything else and you might prudently stand immediately away to avoid a disease. Particularly enraged feelings may be expressed in the longer combinations especially to those gentlemen who may hear abusive brusqueries frequently.

  ‘You cocksucking motherfucking ape faced black coon.’

  This of course may bring laughter to the lips of one of these elegant pastoral people who might delight in being equipped with so many racy possibilities. In which case instantly address him in pukka as a cad or bounder. However should some red necked whitey pompously so address you, riposte.

  ‘How dare you be unparliamentary with me sir.’

  Terms of Reference for Disapproved Folk

  Said in a fairly mild offhand manner, your chap may be referred to as of less than average talents, without rank or fortune, does not hunt, shoot or fish and is very skinny in the shank, nor is he a good judge of horse or cattle and since stale biscuits have recently bound his bowel and his wife whom he married for her money has slipped him a purgative, his explosive jet blasts have ricocheted him miles out of good society.

  Four Letter Words

  Shit is now the proper term for manure, droppings, crap or that stuff. Should you be in extremely polite sophisticated society one may, to show mild impatience, use the expression.

  ‘Fuck this shit.’

  When the term is shouted loudly of course, its meaning may be changed. Especially while displayin
g extreme exasperation at table games when upsetting the whole kit and caboodle. People whose drinks have spilled into their laps in the excitement may exclaim.

  ‘Holy shit.’

  The word ‘cunt’ is still not nice to use in the presence of ladies of riper years, since their sensibilities may be thereby ruffled. And when applied to a chap should be additionally described.

  ‘You unconscionable cunt you.’

  Piss as a mild expletive may be used anywhere. It can be made milder still with additions.

  ‘O piss and pother.’

  The Unforgivable Insult

  List these in a notebook giving the time, place and circumstances. You will be amazed at how quickly your notes will grow and be a potted history of your life. In the case of the more slanderous ridicules these can be reviewed by a lawyer who can also get a working idea of what others think of you in order to assess the amount of damages to be sought.