Like Candy

by Debra Doxer

  Heather slid into the red leather booth first. Jonah sat beside her, leaving me to slide in on the other side. Theo removed his coat and hung it on a hook to drip-dry before he joined me.

  In the window beside me, against the dark backdrop of night, I could clearly see our reflections as we all settled in at the table. When my gaze found Jonah’s in the glass, I saw him looking right back at me. Averting my eyes, I felt my skin heat at having been caught looking, although he was looking too. I shrugged off my coat but kept my gloves on because my fingers were like ice. Resting my hands on my lap, I hid them from view.

  I wouldn’t care if anyone commented about my gloves staying on, but I was used to avoiding comments when possible. Years spent with my cousins had done that. I recalled how they wrinkled their noses and scowled when my fingers turned colors. One particularly cold winter, my uncle insisted on keeping the heat set low to save money. My fingers were purple almost all the time, and my cousins were merciless to the point where I had to take action.

  I found their gloves and cut off all the fingers. Well, almost all. I only left the middle fingers intact. They were pretty surprised the next time it snowed and my uncle sent us all out to shovel.

  While I was waiting to get warm, Heather asked us how our Thanksgiving holidays were. I absently said “fine” while Theo started in on how much he hates turkey. Apparently he hates turkey with the fire of a thousand suns.

  Heather giggled at Theo’s extreme opinion and I rolled my eyes, noting the way Jonah’s mouth quirked into a smile at my reaction. While I was reading over the menu, pointing out the abundance of turkey items to Theo just to watch him cringe, Jonah and Heather convinced him to order a cheeseburger. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to talk him out of it before our waiter arrived.

  Our waiter tonight was an older man who looked a lot like Sam, the waiter Jonah and I had last time. Jonah introduced him as Sam’s younger brother, Stephen, and explained they owned the diner together.

  Since it was so late, I decided to forgo a heavy meal and ordered apple pie instead. Heather did the same, but Jonah got a cheeseburger, and I wondered how he stayed in such good shape with all the food he consumed.

  “So, how do you two know each other?” Heather asked.

  Rather than answer, I waited for whatever comment Theo had brewing since I was sure he had one.

  “We met in group therapy for sex addicts.” He said it casually, without a hint of a smile.

  Jonah arched an eyebrow and Heather’s eyes widened. “Oh,” she said quietly.

  Crossing his arms, Theo leaned back in the booth. “Yeah, it’s nice to finally be with someone who understands my needs, if you know what I mean.”

  “Your need for bullshit.” I bumped my shoulder into his. “We used to go to school together before I moved here. And the only group therapy he needs is one for compulsive liars.”

  “So you’re not a sex addict?” Jonah asked dryly.

  “She’s more like the opposite,” Theo said.

  My mouth fell open before I turned and glared at him.

  “What? That time I wasn’t lying.” He shrugged innocently before turning to Jonah. “Did she tell you she’s sworn off guys? Not that she needed to. After what she did to her ex, I’m sure dates aren’t exactly coming her way.”

  “Oh my God.” My glare heated. Theo obviously intended to ignore everything I’d told him in the car about not embarrassing me. And for what reason? Talking about my ex wasn’t going to make Jonah want to date me, more like run in the other direction.

  Heather’s interest was piqued, though. She leaned forward. “What did you do to your ex?”

  Jonah seemed interested too. “I heard the no-dating thing was her choice, and that she’d pulled some pranks before she moved here.”

  I pursed my lips, knowing he was remembering our chat from before we put the lockbox in Parker’s locker.

  Beside me, Theo’s smile grew. “Well, those are Candy’s stories to tell, not mine.”

  When they all looked at me, I shrugged. “I can’t talk about it. There’s still an ongoing investigation.”

  Heather’s eyes rounded, but Jonah chuckled quietly, not appearing to believe me.

  “I’m kidding,” I told her.

  “Oh.” She snorted out a laugh.

  I cleared my throat. The police weren’t involved in that situation; not that I knew of, at least.

  “So, why have you sworn off guys? Don’t you miss them?” Heather asked, squinting curiously.

  Trying hard not to sigh in frustration, I was saved from answering when the food arrived. I took off my gloves, finally feeling warm, and watched as the greasy cheeseburger was set in front of Theo, wondering what he’d been thinking when he ordered it.

  “Mmm.” Heather hummed as she chewed her pie. “So good.”

  Smiling distractedly, I watched Theo pick up his burger and take a tentative bite. Then he shot me a look, telling me to stop staring at him and mind my own business.

  I turned my eyes to my own plate and tried to eat. Across from me, Heather was chatting about the movie we’d all just seen while I pushed my food around and covertly watched Theo. Jonah kept catching me scrutinizing Theo, his eyes flicking between us with a question in them.

  Theo was halfway through his cheeseburger when he set it down. “Be right back,” he told the table. Standing, he glanced around and then headed toward the Restrooms sign. My heart sank a little as I hoped he was okay.

  “You don’t like it?” Heather asked, pointing to my plate.

  “No. It’s great. I guess I’m not hungry.”

  Jonah practically inhaled his food. There was no sign anything had ever been on his plate.

  About halfway through her pie, Heather remembered the question she’d asked me about swearing off guys, and asked it again. When I glanced up and saw both their gazes on me, I decided that was my cue to go find Theo. He had been in the bathroom a long time.

  The bathrooms were down a small hallway with the men’s room at the end. I stood in front of the closed door for a moment, listening. Just as I was about to knock, the door opened and a heavyset guy walked out, nearly bumping into me.

  Giving me an odd look, he passed by, but then another guy appeared, this time going inside but also eyeing me strangely. After all, I was loitering outside the men’s room with my ear to the door.

  Pulling out my phone, I sent Theo a text and then waited. And waited some more. If it were less busy, I would walk right in. Biting my lip, I knew I had to walk in anyway. I was steeling myself to push the door open when I heard a voice behind me.

  “Everything okay?”

  Turning, I saw Jonah there. He looked at my hand on the men’s room door and then back at me. “Is your friend still in there?”

  I nodded, knowing my worry was written on my face.

  “You want me to check on him?”

  Relieved, I nodded, and he came up beside me, laying his hand above mine on the door. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked, his voice soft with concern.

  I hesitated, but only for a moment, feeling as though I were betraying Theo. “He had a chemo treatment a few days ago. The cheeseburger probably didn’t agree with him.”

  Jonah nodded but didn’t comment. I pictured what he might find when he went inside, probably Theo hunched over the toilet, puking his guts up, or even worse, Theo passed out on the floor. Suddenly, I knew I couldn’t send Jonah in there alone.

  Without a word, I pushed the door open, sensing Jonah’s surprise as I walked inside. Averting my eyes, I passed the occupied urinals before heading toward the stalls I spotted along the wall. Only one stall had a closed door, and I zeroed in on it, ignoring the catcalls and complaints echoing behind me.

  “Theo?” I knocked on the metal door and heard coughing from the other side. “Are you okay?”

  “This is the men’s room. Can’t your girlfriend read?”

  The guy who’d spoken stared at me, and Jonah’s face hardened befor
e he turned to him. “If you’re finished, you should leave.”

  The guy stood there a moment more before shaking his head and walking out.

  “Open the door, Theo,” I said quietly.

  Inside, I heard him shuffle and then groan. The toilet flushed before the lock turned and Theo slowly pulled the door open, allowing the sour smell of vomit to drift out. He was pale with a sheen of sweat covering his skin. I didn’t mean to reproach him, but I was so worried, I couldn’t help it.

  “What were you thinking?”

  His eyes squeezed closed. “That I could fucking eat something! What do you think I was thinking?”

  I blinked, unprepared for his anger. “I understand that, but—”

  “No, you don’t understand.” He gripped the side of the stall door. “You think you do because you saw your mother go through it, but this is a firsthand experience only. You’re miles away from understanding anything about it.”

  I swallowed thickly. He was partly right. My experience wasn’t anything like his, but it wasn’t miles away either, and I knew there was nothing I could say to make him feel better. My words would be drops of water in the ocean, insignificant.

  Jonah cleared his throat, and Theo noticed him there for the first time. His anguished eyes closed for a moment in embarrassment or resignation, I wasn’t sure which.

  “I’ll go outside and make sure no comes in,” Jonah said, surprising me with how well he read Theo. Then he looked at me as if he were waiting for my okay, for me to assure him that I didn’t need him to stay in here.

  When I nodded, Jonah’s eyes held so much compassion, I felt my heart squeeze. A sad smile touched his lips before he turned and walked back to the door, disappearing on the other side of it and leaving me with Theo, who was dealing with things no one his age should ever have to think about.

  “Sorry,” Theo mumbled, looking self-conscious and miserable. “I’m being an asshole.” He edged past me, going to the sink.

  I followed him. “Yeah, but you get more asshole passes than most people.”

  “I don’t want any passes.” Theo turned on the faucet and eyed me in the mirror before splashing water on his face. Then he grabbed some paper towels.

  His eyes were glassy and his skin was still pale. My heart hurt just looking at him, but I couldn’t let him see that.

  “Are you ready to go home?” I asked. “Someone may have secretly ordered Vision Quest on Netflix. Because I know you have a man crush on Matthew Modine.”

  His lips tipped up reluctantly. “Actually, my crush is on his buddy, Kuch.”

  “Right, Kuch. You know that’s the same guy who played Jake in Sixteen Candles. That guy was gorgeous. Whatever happened to him?”

  “The ’80s ended and so did his career. Come on. It stinks in here.”

  When we left the bathroom, we found Jonah outside guarding the door. He was facing off with two guys who obviously needed to use the facilities. “I said you need to wait. What part of wait don’t you understand?”

  I smiled at how seriously he was taking his job. “It’s okay now,” I announced, folding my arms over my chest. “I fixed the clog. Everything’s working again.”

  They all turned to stare at me.

  “She doesn’t look like much,” Theo said, playing along. “But she’s the best plumber in town. Now there’s an ass crack I don’t mind looking at.” He winked and walked away.

  I snorted out a laugh.

  The men appeared confused, aiming skeptical looks my way while Jonah’s lips twitched into a smile. Then they brushed past us, disappearing inside the bathroom.

  When I went to follow Theo, Jonah reached for my hand and stopped me. “You okay?” he asked. It was just the two of us in the small hallway.

  “Theo will be fine. He just needs to lie down.”

  His expression softened. “I asked if you were okay.”

  At the sound of his concern, my emotions swelled. No one ever worried about me, not really. I smiled uncomfortably at the way he watched me, as if he was searching for the answer somewhere in my eyes. “I’m fine,” I replied, but I heard the tremor in my voice, and so did he.

  Jonah kept looking at me as if he wanted to say more. Then he released my hand and I expected him to walk away, but instead he leaned in and wrapped his arms around me.

  I just stood there for a moment, my brain needing time to catch up with my body and the realization that Jonah was hugging me. But soon his warmth penetrated my skin, and my arms came around his back to hold him loosely. His hand rubbed slowly up and down along my spine, and there was nothing hidden in his embrace. I sensed no agenda. He only meant to comfort me, and I drank it in because it was exactly what I didn’t know I needed, a kindness I wouldn’t easily forget.

  Jonah pulled back first, still watching me, and I stood there, hesitant to make eye contact with him and wondering if it would be awkward. Before I could worry too much, he squeezed my shoulder and said, “You’re a good friend. He’s lucky to have you.”

  Already missing Jonah’s arms, I shrugged, not sure if I agreed. Now that I knew how bad it was for Theo again, I felt like I’d abandoned him. “I’m the one who’s lucky.”

  He didn’t comment as he placed his hand at the small of my back and kept it there all the way back to the table.

  We were a quiet group as we settled the bill and retrieved our coats. Heather seemed concerned about Theo but didn’t say much, which I’m sure he appreciated. I figured Jonah would brief her later.

  “Nice meeting you,” Heather said to Theo, and Jonah said the same. “See you Monday,” he said to me as we all stood by the door, looking out at the rain. “Drive carefully,” he added.

  “You too.” I smiled at him and waved a little awkwardly to Heather.

  When we got back to the house, Theo and I changed into pajamas. Even though he needed the rest, we stayed up most of the night watching movies and talking about nothing at all, just keeping it light. I let Theo set the tone.

  “Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts?” he asked out of nowhere around two in the morning.

  Without hesitation, I said, “Starbucks, because I like paying as much as possible for coffee.”

  “Very sensible of you.” He nodded approvingly. “Spicy or mild?”

  I angled a look at him. “Spicy.”

  “Duh. Noise or silence?”

  We looked at each other and both answered “noise” at the same time. Silence allowed for too much thinking.

  “Let go of the past or spend forever alone?”

  I sighed. “Those are my only options?”

  “It’s time to let it go, Candy. I like Jonah. I saw the way he looked at you. Maybe you should give him the time of day.”

  Hugging my arms around myself, I recalled the pressure of other stronger arms. “He doesn’t look at me any special way.”

  Theo smiled gently. “Believe me. He does. Maybe when you’re ready, you’ll see it.”

  He shifted on the couch, lying down on his back and resting his head on my lap. We sat this way, with me running my fingers through his hair as he dozed on and off, until the first rays of light bled through the drawn curtains.

  It was harder than I expected to say good-bye to Theo at the bus stop the next day. After hugging his frail body, I stood watching as the bus disappeared down the highway, becoming smaller and smaller. When it was finally out of sight, I gave in to the emotion welling inside me.

  Getting back into my father’s car, I wept quietly. My mother had been on my mind all weekend, almost as though she were there the entire time. It was as though she were an apparition living inside Theo, looking out at me with familiar sunken-in eyes that spoke so clearly in their silence. I’m trying to fight, but I’m getting so tired of it.

  Who would blame Theo if he were tired of fighting? He didn’t deserve this. The unfairness of it was overwhelming, and I wanted to yell and smash something. But instead, I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped the steering wheel, dragging in a shaky bre
ath as I tried to pull myself together. There was nothing I could do for Theo, nothing anyone could do but stand by and watch. It was excruciating, and the only solution was to try not to think about it every second of the day. Then try not to let the solution make you feel too guilty.

  From the bus station, I drove to the car wash and then headed for home. Pulling into the garage, I plugged in the hand vacuum and proceeded to suck up all the dirt I found inside the car, on the seats, and especially on the floor mats, losing myself in the mindless task. I even wiped down the exterior, making sure to erase any water spots left by the car wash.

  Once I’d finished, I went inside and dropped onto my bed, exhausted and completely wrung out.

  “Candy!”

  My eyes popped open.

  “You didn’t set the alarm.”

  Blinking in the darkness, I brought the image of my father into focus. Still dressed in his suit, he loomed over me, his face flushed with anger.

  My stomach dropped and suddenly I was wide awake. “What?” I asked, sitting up and glancing at the clock. My bedroom was dark because it was after nine in the evening. I’d slept the day away.

  “I just got home and the alarm wasn’t set. The door into the house from the garage wasn’t locked either. Don’t you listen to anything I tell you?”

  “I . . . I’ve been setting the alarm at night. That’s what you told me to do.”

  “Look around you, Candy. It is night.” He turned and walked out.

  Pumpkin lay curled at the foot of my bed, looking at me, seeming to say he had no idea what was going on either. Nerves tightened my belly as I stepped out into the hallway and saw the light was on in my father’s office. I heard him moving around in there, opening drawers and muttering.

  Going to the doorway, I hesitantly looked inside.

  “Someone’s been in here,” he said as he sat at his desk, running his hand through his hair, making it stick up straight. “Someone has been in my office and on my computer. Was it you?”

  Wide-eyed, I shook my head.

  “Your friend then, the one who stayed here this weekend?”

  “No. He never came in here. No one did.”