Out of My Mind

by A. J. Truman

  Gideon

  Gideon picked up his clothes off Mac’s floor, got dressed, and shuffled back to his apartment. He was in dire need of coffee, but instead, he got an even bigger jolt.

  His mom. On his front steps.

  One of the barbers from downstairs was waiting with her, peering through the front window. He was totally old school, with the white smock and everything.

  Gideon darted across the street and joined the fray. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

  “Gideon!”

  “Is this your son?” The barber asked her in his thick Italian accent.

  “Yes. Thank you,” she said.

  “We do not own the apartments upstairs,” the barber said. He still had a comb in his hands and was pointing it at his mom. “This is our shop. We do not own the apartments.”

  “I’ll take it from here.” Gideon clapped the barber on the shoulder. He sneered, ready to be done with this screaming lady and her son. Good thing Gideon never got his hair cut there.

  Gideon opened his door. They trekked up the steep staircase. “What are you doing here, Mom?”

  “I feel like I’ve barely heard from you these past few weeks. We don’t talk as frequently, and when you do, you just…you just haven’t seemed like yourself, Gideon.” Pain crossed her face. This was already an Orange Alert situation for her. “And I know that today is the last day of finals, so I wanted to surprise you and pick you up. We could get breakfast at that kitschy pancake house I like and catch up on the drive home.”

  Gideon unlocked his apartment door. He tried to mentally calculate if any of Mac’s stuff was laying around. Did I leave out the Astroglide?

  He spun around, his back pressed against the door. “Mom, can you give me a second just to clean up?”

  “You want me to wait out here? Gideon, I used to clean your room and wash your dirty underwear. And it was really dirty.”

  “Just one second. Please?”

  She gave him one of her trademark passive-aggressive sighs. “Okay.”

  He pecked her on the cheek. As soon as he stepped inside, he was a tornado of catastrophe avoidance. He zipped around the apartment, swiping up any of Mac’s clothes and any sign of sex. That meant shoving condom wrappers deep into his trashcan and covering them with old papers. The whole thing lasted thirty seconds, but it probably was an eternity to his mom.

  Gideon opened the door. “Welcome!”

  She gave him a suspicious look. “I’m surprised your apartment would be messy. You’ve always been so good about cleaning.”

  “I know. I had a friend stay with me a few days. They were fixing the roof in his apartment. There were leaks, so it was easier for him to move out for a few days and crash on my couch.” Spin spin spin. Gideon hated every word that came out of his mouth. Lying wasn’t second nature. It was an addiction.

  His mom took a seat on the chaise section of the couch, Mac’s preferred spot. Gideon thought about Mac, who was sitting on a bus to West Virginia at this moment. When he woke up and realized Mac was gone, Gideon had texted him Good luck.

  “Do you want anything to drink?”

  “I’ll have some coffee.”

  “Me, too!” Gideon scrambled into the kitchen and turned on the coffeemaker. He was out of the line of fire, but it was short-lived. His mom joined him.

  “Is your friend still staying with you? I don’t see any of his stuff.”

  “He went home last night. I was just cleaning up some stuff he left behind. I’ll give it to him when I see him again.” He shut down during these moments, and some lying instinct took control of his body. Each lie made him feel dirtier. His mom drove all this way to get caught in more of Gideon’s lies.

  “You seem nervous, Gideon.”

  “I’m not nervous.”

  “Are you all done with finals?”

  “I have my last one this afternoon, then we can take off.” He got to tell the truth! What a glorious feeling!

  Coffee dripped into the pot. “Any word on Noah and Christina? Noah and I talked, and I apologized for getting sick and leaving his wedding.”

  “That’s good. They aren’t taking a honeymoon, for obvious reasons. Gideon.”

  His mom stared at him. He pulled his attention away from the pot.

  “Why weren’t you in your apartment when I arrived? Did you not sleep here?”

  He could handle this. He was always two lies ahead. “I pulled a really late night at the library, and so I crashed at Seth’s dorm, since he lives right by there.”

  It worked. “I didn’t realize you still had a final left today. I can occupy myself until you’re done. There are some cute stores along this street.” She poured herself and Gideon a cup of coffee. “How is Seth? You told me he has a girlfriend, right?”

  She walked back into the living room and reclaimed her spot on the couch. She laid back and enjoyed the chaise. “I may need to take a nap here. But I won’t bother you. I’ll let you study in peace.”

  Gideon stood at the doorway of the kitchen and watched her sink into the cushions. She was relaxed and happy. She would get to spend quality time with her son and by the time they reached Westchester, her worrying about Gideon would be long gone. Because I am the Good Son.

  He had gotten so good at telling the right story that it was practically automatic. Second nature.

  He could do this forever.

  Forever.

  “Mom.” His voice trembled, and she sat straight up. Her mother radar was back on high alert.

  “What is it, Gideon?”

  He held onto the doorway for support. The words were there. In his mind. On his tongue. He just had to push them out.

  “Gideon?”

  “I’m gay.” And with those two words, the catalogue of lies and stories he had built and carefully curated went up in flames. Goodbye, Good Son.

  “Are you sure?” She wasn’t moving from that couch. It was her fortress. “You’ve had all those girlfriends.”

  “I’m sure, Mom.”

  She had never been this reticent. For now, he was assuming it was a good sign. If she wasn’t talking, then she was processing.

  “This is all so sudden.”

  “Is it, though?” She’d raised him. There had to have been signs like Noah saw.

  “I mean, when you were younger maybe, but you seemed to grow out of it. And you were dating girls. Maybe you can still date women and just do your business on the side.” She tried to smile, and it was the equivalent to an out of tune violin.

  “Doing my business? Like urinating?” He sat on the far side of the couch. “I’m not going to do that, Mom. And not just for me—I don’t want to subject a girl to that life.” He thought of Hannah and Beth and all the other women who were unknowingly, or knowingly, marrying gay men because it was the responsible thing to do.

  “I know,” she said quietly.

  “I know this is hard for you, and it’s unexpected, but I’m happy.”

  “It wasn’t completely unexpected.” She dabbed at tears in her eyes. Gideon swiped her a napkin. “The way you’d been acting this fall. It was an idea that crossed my mind, but then you were dating Hannah.”

  “I was doing that because I wanted to make you happy. No.” Gideon wasn’t going to do that. He had himself to blame for his actions, for his lies. They came from his mouth. “Because I wanted to do what I thought was right. I was too scared to be me.”

  He hated seeing her cry, and knowing he was the cause. He imagined Mac beside him, holding his hand. We will get through this.

  “You know, all I wanted was for my two sons to marry two nice Jewish women and carry on the name and traditions of our family.”

  “That can still happen,” Gideon said. “I want to have a family someday.”

  Her eyes clouded over. She picked up her coffee, but put it back down. “When I said this wasn’t completely unexpected…”

  “What?”

  “When you were little, your father and I had a conversation.
He’d found you under your bed reading the Fruit of the Loom catalogue, specifically the men’s underwear section.”

  Gideon’s cheeks burned with embarrassment. Why does everyone remember these memories except for me?

  “He had a feeling you were gay,” she said. “I thought…I don’t know. I thought you were just bored with your own books, but he seemed pretty sure.”

  Gideon had always wondered what his dad thought of him. Of course, his dad loved him, but he’d never get to see the person Gideon became, personality and all. But if he could, he probably would’ve hated all this lying and deception. I wasn’t making you proud.

  “What did he say?” Gideon asked her.

  “He said ‘Well, if my son is gay, then my son is gay. It won’t make me love him any less.’”

  Gideon wiped his tears on his sleeve. His mom used her napkin.

  “I’m so sorry, Gideon, for making you feel like you had to lie all this time. That couldn’t have been easy. Although I must say, you’re a very good liar. It’s a little scary.”

  No more. Those days were over. “It’s going to be okay. I know this isn’t how you wanted things to go, but that’s life. And it could be worse.”

  She grabbed his hands. Her fingers were boney, but forceful. “I love you. You will always make me proud.”

  She kissed him on the cheek. They hugged, and it was the first hug where there were no walls between them.

  “You know, Frieda Feldberg’s son is gay, and he’s in medical school.”

  Gideon closed his eyes, ready to crush her spirits again. “Actually, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not Jewish. But we’re still a million miles away from kids or marriage or even dating, and he doesn’t seem like a practicing Christian, so I think we would probably raise the children Jewish, assuming we adopted.”

  “I look forward to meeting him,” she said, with some levity in her voice like she finally found the sense of humor in all of this.

  “I love you, Mom. I just want to be a good son to you.”

  Her eyes bore deep within him with all their motherly power. “You are a great son.”

  Gideon was still dealing with aftershocks from the conversation, but he never felt so hopeful. Gone were the walls. He was free.

  He sat back and sipped his coffee. Being the Great Son had its perks.

  CHAPTER twenty-nine

  Mac

  Mac spent the next week reconnecting with his parents. His mom cooked him eggs for breakfast, and his dad happily added shifts at the store to Mac’s schedule, even though he never said he would work there. He didn’t have to. It was an unspoken agreement. If your last name was Daly, you worked at the store. They couldn’t make up for lost time, but they were moving forward. Days were spent at the store, and evenings were reserved for long family dinners. They sat around the table well after they were done eating, catching up. His parents asked him question after question about college life. They wanted to know about every class and activity. Well, not all activities. Geology class would not come up in conversation. Mac made sure of it. They even asked a question or two about Gideon.

  “He’s from New York, right?” His dad asked after a meal of chicken pot pie. Real chicken pot pie. No frozen dinners allowed in the Daly household.

  “Yeah. Westchester.”

  “I had a feeling. He was kind of abrasive.”

  “That’s just his natural charm.”

  Even though they were only a few days from Christmas, business wasn’t picking up. While a hardware store wasn’t exactly a destination for holiday gifts, Mac clearly remembered the holiday rush when he was younger.

  “There’s a new Home Depot along the highway,” his mom explained while they were closing down the register one night. “It opened last year. We’ve definitely been affected.”

  “Is it bad?”

  She wobbled her head back and forth, but put on a brave face. “Your dad is working harder than ever. We’ve had to cut staff. I feel like we’re fighting a losing battle. Usually, your father wouldn’t give up until there were no other options, but he’s starting to come around. Maybe it’s time for a change.”

  Mac appreciated his mom opening up. “Pittsburgh is a great town.”

  “I want to go somewhere warm. I loved that trip when we went to Disney World.” She had a wistful twinkle in her eye, and Mac wondered if there was any part of her life that wasn’t built on sacrifice. “You just wanted to ride every single ride over and over. You wore us out. I’d put you to sleep and then lay out by the pool and read magazines with the stars shining above.”

  “It was a fun trip. From what I remember.” Mac thought back to the Thunder Mountain picture.

  Mac ended his shift early since it was pretty dead. When he got home, he did the dishes and swept the kitchen floor. He grinned at his handiwork. His parents’ jaws would drop. If only Gideon could see him.

  Mac’s phone rang with a familiar name that made his heart swell. “Hey, you.”

  “How’s the Mountain State?” Gideon asked. “I looked that up.”

  “Good job.”

  They spoke every day. Gideon loved hearing about Mac’s progress with his family and may have asked more questions than Mac’s parents. Mac was like a witness who could not leave the stand.

  “Well, I have some good news for you. My mom says hi, and she can’t wait to meet you.”

  Mac sat up straight and pressed the phone to his ear. “Did I hear that correctly?”

  Gideon laughed, and it was music to Mac’s ears. “I can’t wait to see you, Big Mac. I miss you, and I’m still falling in love with you.”

  Mac could feel his smile through the phone. “Same here.”

  Despite working a tiring shift at the hardware store, Mac had energy to burn. His parents wouldn’t be home for another two hours. He decided to go for a jog. Today was a winter reprieve. No precipitation and fall-like weather. All Mac needed was a hoodie.

  Sidewalks were sporadic in his town. Kingwood wasn’t a place for walking. Mac jogged along the road. The waning rays of sun illuminated the majestic mountains around him. He inhaled crisp air into his lungs.

  Mac checked his phone and found a text from Rafe. I’m sorry how things went down. I was shocked and hurt. Maybe we can meet up for coffee in January? As friends…

  Mac smiled at the screen. I’d like that. What you said stuck with me. I’m in West Virginia now, standing up for myself. And it worked.

  Sweet. Have a Merry Christmas.

  Talk soon.

  Mac put away his phone.

  The sun zipped behind the mountains as if it were playing hide-and-seek. Lampposts became less frequent, and darkness took over the roads. He stayed on the side of the road and shielded his eyes from the powerful car lights.

  He jogged with a smile on his face. He never thought a week like this would ever happen again. He’d had that same thought about geology class, though that was where comparisons ended.

  A pickup truck’s lights nearly blinded Mac, but they didn’t pass. They pulled over to the side of the road.

  A familiar face smiled through the windshield. Justin Weeks. Mac’s stomach pulled into a tight knot.

  Justin was on the shorter side. He looked scrawny, but he was all muscle. Mac spun around and walked toward home, toward the lampposts.

  “Mac Daly,” he said.

  Mac’s heart leapt around like crazy in his chest. He slowly faced Justin.

  “Holy shit. It’s Mac Daly. I was driving, and I says to myself, I says that can’t be Mac, can it?”

  His laugh made Mac taste the blood in his mouth all over again.

  “I haven’t seen you in years.” He slammed his car door. The sound echoed in Mac’s chest. “What are you doing back?”

  “Seeing family.” Mac could barely hear himself. He wanted to run. Adrenaline surged through his veins, telling him to get the hell out of there.

  “Your parents seemed like nice people. It’s a shame they got a faggot for a son.” Beer coat
ed Justin’s breath. Some life he led. “I thought we got rid of you.”

  “You and your dad are liars.”

  “We’re doing God’s work, Mac. You can’t just go around living this homo lifestyle. Not here.”

  Mac got a good look at his face, a face he’d remember forever. He punched Justin, connecting a right hook with his nose. “God’s work, Justin.”

  Justin stumbled back. Mac savored his victory for a second, then he bolted as fast as he could. His body was possessed by a strength more powerful than adrenaline: fear. He didn’t look behind him. He didn’t waste one precious second.

  He couldn’t focus on hewing to the side of the road, not when all that mattered was getting home. He couldn’t see in front of him, only the lights in the distance. His pulse pounded in his ears. All he could hear was himself gasping for breath.

  Don’t look behind you. Don’t look behind you.

  But he did. The sound of the engine was too close to ignore.

  The truck’s lights overpowered him. The heat of the car kicked up against his legs. Mac’s chest heaved with breaths that couldn’t come fast enough. He heard Justin’s laugh.

  “Aaah!” Mac screamed out as something smacked into his back. Was that a baseball bat? He stumbled away from the car, and in the darkness didn’t see the railing. He lost all sense of gravity and what was up and what was down as he fell.

  He tumbled over rocks and into the forest. His body smacked against thick tree trunks and pointy bramble. He wailed in pain to the night sky and blinking stars and the quiet trees. None of them cared to listen.

  The last thing he thought of before he blacked out was the comfort of Gideon’s bed.

  CHAPTER thirty

  Gideon

  Winter vacation was spent catching up with Noah, updating friends on his sexual preference, and vegging on the couch watching TV. All of his friends showered him with supportive statements and bro hugs. If he’d known coming out was going to be this easy, he would have done it sooner. He was lucky, and he knew it. He knew it could be so much worse, like getting-the-crap-kicked-out-of-you worse. The only awkward moments came from his mom, though he supposed that was to be expected.