My Life with the Walter Boys

by Ali Novak

  “You know, my brother is looking for you,” Danny said, sitting down next to me.

  “I don’t want to talk to Cole,” I said glumly.

  Danny was silent for a moment, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Jackie,” he whispered quietly, “you shouldn’t feel bad.”

  “No,” I said, wiping the snot away from my nose. “I shouldn’t have danced with Cole.”

  “You can’t control how you feel about him,” he said, as if it was no great secret that I liked Cole.

  I was quiet for a while as I thought about my answer. “But what does that say about me? My whole family just died and all I can think about is him.” Admitting the truth out loud to Danny made me feel horrible all over again, and I started to sob.

  “Jackie,” Danny said soothingly as he pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay. Don’t cry.”

  “No, it’s not okay,” I bawled as more and more tears started to pour out of my eyes. “I’m a horrible person. My mom—I don’t know how she’ll ever be proud of me.”

  “I’m not sure what your mom has to do with this,” Danny said, “but how could she not be happy for you? With Cole, you found someone who helped take away the pain of losing her.”

  I had no idea how to respond to Danny, so I gave another excuse. “Really? Even after everything he’s done to me?”

  “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but my brother is a good person. We might be completely different, but we’re still twins and Cole tells me everything. He was crushed when Alex stopped talking to him after the whole Mary thing. And he was telling the truth—Cole had no clue that she dumped Alex for him.”

  “Danny, why are you even telling me this?” It had nothing to do with the struggle going on in my head.

  “I don’t know. I’m just trying to explain him,” he said. “Sure Cole’s a player, but he’s never been a mean person. Then you came along, and the rift between him and Alex turned into a gaping hole and Cole got all aggressive.” When Danny saw the pained look on my face, he quickly added, “There was nothing you could have done, Jackie. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Is this supposed to be some kind of pep talk? It’s not working.”

  “All I’m trying to say is that I know Cole hurt you, but I don’t think it was intentional.”

  “You honestly believe that? What about the night we went TPing or the time he dragged me to Mary’s party?”

  “His anger was always directed at Alex, not you.”

  “It didn’t seem that way.”

  “Look, Jackie, he has a bad way of showing it, but he cares about you. I’ve never seen Cole fight so hard for something in his life. Not even for his football scholarship.”

  For a long time, I didn’t say anything. “You know, you’re making things a lot more difficult,” I told him.

  “You just need to talk to him.”

  “I doesn’t matter that I like him. I’m still pissed, and I don’t think I can handle seeing him right now.”

  “Not Cole, Alex.”

  “Yeah, right. He’s not going to talk to me.”

  “He was the one looking for you,” Danny said. “Not Cole.”

  “Why would Alex want to talk to me?”

  “He isn’t as clueless as he seems.”

  I was quiet for a full minute as his words sunk in. Did he mean Alex had known all along that I had feelings for Cole? Had I even known? “Hey, Danny?” I finally said.

  “What?”

  “I’m going to make sure you make it to your training camp in New York, whether you want my help or not.”

  “About that,” Danny said, scratching the back of his head. “I know now isn’t the greatest time, but I had a conversation with my mom tonight. This wasn’t exactly how I was planning on telling you, but she said you could come with if you wanted.”

  “What?” I asked, taken aback. “Katherine said I could go back and live in New York?”

  “Yeah, well, I’m eighteen now, and she knows how much you really want to be at home. It would only be for the rest of summer since you’d have to come back here for school, but your uncle Richard agreed that we could live in your apartment together. Of course, if that’s okay with you.”

  For a moment I was so excited I could barely contain myself. I was going to get to go home and, on top of that, live with one of the best friends that I had made in Colorado. But then, I thought about all the other amazing friends I met here. What would it be like without daily runs with Nathan, or Riley and Heather’s bubbly personalities? How would I feel without Alex and Cole?

  “Danny, I would love to go to New York and live with you. You know that’s where I want to be. I guess I just have to decide if that’s the best thing for me right now.”

  “I completely understand, Jackie. Take your time deciding. I don’t want you to feel like you made the wrong choice.”

  Chapter 18

  The next morning, the house was quiet since everyone was recovering from last night’s festivities. I stayed cooped up in my room, trying to figure out what to do. I was conflicted about Danny’s proposal. More than anything I wanted to go home, but what about the people I’d come to love here in Colorado?

  A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts.

  “Come in,” I called. Alex opened the door, and I could tell from the way he squinted at the bright light of my room that he was still hungover.

  “Hey,” he said, his voice strained. “Can we talk?”

  “Um, yeah. Sit down.” It didn’t sound good, but I moved over on my bed to make room for him.

  Nodding his head, he shuffled across the room toward my bed. As he sat down, the squeal of the springs made the tense silence in the room more apparent.

  “So,” I started to say when Alex said nothing. “About last night—”

  “Jackie, I’m so sorry.”

  “I didn’t mean for you to hear that, but—wait, what?”

  “I’ve been so unfair to you,” he said. I didn’t understand what he was trying to say, so I waited for him to continue. “After the whole thing with Mary and Cole, I was so hurt. I think I knew deep down that Cole didn’t know Mary dumped me, but it just felt so good having a reason to be mad at him.”

  “Why would you want to be mad at your brother?”

  “I was jealous. People always compare us, but he’s so much better at everything than me.”

  “That’s not true, Alex. You’re good at video games and baseball, not to mention that you’re a much better friend then he is.”

  “That didn’t matter back then.”

  “Back when?”

  “When you got here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Come on, Jackie,” Alex said as if I was being stupid. “You’re beautiful. How could any guy not notice you? With Cole around, I knew I didn’t stand a chance.” He looked up at me. “But then you were in my anatomy class, so we had something in common, stuff we could talk about. I had an excuse to hang out with you, and it made me feel like I had a chance after all. What surprised me even more was that you blew him off like he was nothing. That helped me feel better and forget.”

  “Forget?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he was talking about.

  “About Mary,” he said. Alex paused for a moment and shut his eyes. He was clearly in pain and was having a hard time getting his words out. “It was the weekend that my family went on the camping trip,” he said, continuing his story. “The time you, me, and Cole slept on the living-room floor during the storm? That was when I realized that I was going to have to fight him for you. I wanted to beat Cole, to feel like I accomplished something that he hadn’t. And I wanted to prove to Mary that I was done with her.”

  Neither of us said anything as Alex’s words drifted through the silent air. I didn’t know how to react to his confession, but then I
realized what he said should have hurt me. But it didn’t. All I felt was…relief. Alex had made living with the Walters so much easier for me—my anchor as I adjusted to the storm. He was my comfort, my first real kiss, but most importantly, he was my friend.

  It took me a moment to collect my thoughts, and in that time Alex panicked. “Well, what do you feel? Massive amounts of hatred?”

  “Alex, I could never hate you.”

  “Then what is it?”

  I hesitated, taking the time to search his face. From the alarmed gleam in his eye, I could tell he knew what I was about to say. “You’re not over her, are you?” I asked him.

  “Jackie, please don’t make me answer that question. I really, really care about you. I know I let my issues with Cole get between us, but—”

  “Alex, wait,” I said, cutting him off. “I have a confession you need to hear as well.” It wasn’t just something that I needed to tell him, but also a truth that I had to acknowledge myself. “I know you heard Cole and me talking last night at the wedding, but there’s more to the story. When I first got here, I was so focused on proving that I was okay even though my family was gone. I had this messed-up perception in my head that I needed to be perfect, so my mother could be proud of me. Then I met Cole and I knew he was going to be trouble, unpredictable. He could’ve ruined everything I was working toward, but you were safe. I started dating you so I wouldn’t have to deal with him. I don’t know, maybe I’m still confused about my mom, but I know for sure that what I did to you was wrong.”

  Alex sucked in a sharp breath. “Is this your way of saying you’re breaking up with me?”

  “I—I think so.”

  We were quiet for a long time.

  Finally Alex said something. It wasn’t a protest or angry words, just a simple statement. “Jack and Jordan heard Danny and my mom talking last night. They said you’re leaving with him next week.”

  Then I realized what he was asking. He wanted to know if I was running away from him. “I haven’t made a decision yet, but I never considered leaving because of what happened between us. It’s just that I miss home so much, but I don’t want to leave you all behind.”

  “You promise it’s not because of me?” he asked, holding out his finger so I could pinkie swear.

  “I promise.”

  He nodded his head in understanding. “Well, then I think you should go.”

  “What?”

  At first I thought he was being bitter, but then Alex grabbed my hand and looked at me. “You need this, Jackie,” he said. His face was soft but insistent as he tried to convince me. “Go home. Sort everything out. Then, when you’re better, you can come back to us.”

  Alex couldn’t have been more right. It was time to leave Colorado and face my past.

  ***

  It was supposed to be Cole and Danny’s graduation party, but Cole was missing. George was cooking hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. Katherine made three bowls of potato salad, and Nathan cut up a huge display of fresh fruit. There were a ton of kids from our school hanging out by the pool, mostly people who knew Cole, but a few drama club members had stopped by to congratulate Danny as well.

  “Jackie?” Nathan called. “Do you know where Cole is? He’s got another check here.”

  “I haven’t seen him in a while,” I said, taking the envelope out of his hand. Katherine had me keeping track of the gifts because she didn’t want any of the money disappearing. “I can go look for him if you want.”

  “Sure, tell him he’s missing a good time.”

  Inside the house, I slipped the card on top of the fridge where none of the little kids could get at it and then went in search of Cole. It didn’t take me long to find him since he was in the first spot I looked—his garage.

  Normally, the doors were shut tight, even while he worked. Today, however, they were thrown open, letting the late-afternoon light paint the small room in a golden yellow.

  “You know,” I said, stepping up to the car. “There’s a party going on out back. Lots of people are here to see you.”

  Cole looked up from his work in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected someone to come looking for him. “Oh,” he said when he saw me. “Hi, Jackie.”

  “Lose track of time?” I asked. Glancing around, I noticed that the workbench looked tidier than normal. Most of the tools and spare car parts were packed away in the shelving unit.

  “No,” Cole said, slamming the hood of the car down into place. “I just wanted to finish installing this last part.”

  “So it’s ready to run?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Something about the way he responded sounded sad, almost as if he didn’t want his car to be fixed. Sighing, he pulled a rag out of his pocket and wiped off his hands.

  “Hey,” I said, moving toward him. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t seem like it.”

  Looking down at the car, Cole took a deep breath. “It’s just, I don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m done restoring the car. I’ve been working on it for so long.”

  In the moment of silence that passed between us, I heard laughter from the party. “You mean, since you broke your leg during a football game last year?” I asked then.

  Cole’s head snapped up. “How do you—?”

  “Nathan told me.”

  He was quiet for a minute. “Did he say anything else?”

  “He mentioned something about how you were different afterward.”

  This time, he stayed quiet for much longer as if he needed to gather all his energy to make his confession. “When I didn’t go out for football this year,” he started to explain, “most people just thought I didn’t care anymore because I had lost my scholarship. I guess I started acting like it too—skipping school, partying, girls.”

  “And the real reason?”

  “Honestly, I’m terrified that it won’t be the same. I feel—I don’t know. Broken, I guess.”

  “So this replaced football?” I asked, gesturing down at the car.

  Cole nodded. “I can’t fix myself, but I can fix this.”

  I nodded my head slowly. I couldn’t agree with Cole because I didn’t think he was broken, but I understood how he felt. “You know what, Cole? I have a feeling you’ll be okay.”

  Instead of answering, he changed the subject. “I’m moving into Will’s old apartment. He’s living with Haley now.”

  “How come?”

  “I’ll be closer to work. I have to save up money this summer if I’m going to pay for college.” Cole might have lost his football scholarship, but he still planned on going to the same college: the University of Colorado at Boulder.

  “Well, once you’re all settled in, you should give me a tour,” I said with a smile.

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “Of course! Now how about you stop moping around and come join the party. I want to grab a hamburger before they’re gone.”

  “You go,” he said. He was staring at me, the look on his face unsolvable. “I’ll catch up in the little bit. There’s one last thing I have to do.”

  ***

  The next few days went by fast. Danny and I were leaving to go to the airport in the afternoon, and I spent most of my morning making sure all of my belongings were packed. As I looked around my room one last time, I noticed the pair of Katherine’s old jeans that Cole gave me hanging over the back of my chair. They weren’t on my list of things to bring, but I scooped them up and shoved them in my suitcase anyway. I wanted to bring a bit of Colorado back to New York with me.

  Katherine was teary eyed when I brought my suitcases downstairs, and I knew it was hard for her as she watched Danny and George load the back of the truck. She was losing three of us in the span of one week. During the graduation party, Cole had packed up his car and moved out o
f the house, leaving only a note on the kitchen counter to explain where he went. When I heard he was gone, I felt like it was my fault. He’d mentioned leaving back in the garage and I should have known he was trying to tell me good-bye, but I didn’t realize he was planning to go so soon. I called him twice, but both times it went straight to voice mail.

  “Before you all go, I want to show you something,” said Katherine. She had been acting mysterious for the last two days.

  “You finished the mur—” Isaac started.

  “Don’t ruin it!” Nathan butted in before Isaac could wreck the surprise.

  “Come this way, Jackie. You have to see.”

  Katherine led us around the side of the house to the barn, with everyone following behind us.

  “You have to close your eyes,” she told me and covered my face with her hands.

  “All right,” I giggled, not quite sure what was going on. Someone pulled back the squeaky barn door and guided me inside.

  Parker gasped, someone started to clap, and I heard Jack and Jordan arguing about who looked better. I twitched to see what everyone was so excited about.

  “Okay,” Katherine said, taking her hands away. “Open your eyes.”

  My eyelids quickly snapped up, and I blinked a few times to see if what I was looking at was actually real. “Oh my God, Katherine!” I gushed, walking forward in astonishment. “This is—I don’t even have a word to describe it.”

  “Don’t touch,” she warned Zack and Benny. “It’s still wet, and thank you, Jackie. I’ve been working hard on it ever since you decided to leave with Danny.”

  One wall of the barn was covered in a spectacular mural. In the middle were Katherine and George, surrounded by their children. The little twins were painted wrestling on the ground, Nathan with a guitar in his hand, and Lee with his skateboard. But then I noticed the girl with two arms wrapped around her shoulder. I was in the painting, and Cole and Alex were smiling on either side of me. On the top of the entire mural in Katherine’s cursive font were the words: “My Family.”

  It was then that the meaning behind it really sunk in.