A Shadow Bright and Burning

by Jessica Cluess

  “I thought I saw…” Blackwood paused as he studied Rook. He shook his head. “Probably hit my head too hard.”

  To change the topic, I said, “Thank God you sensed something. Who could they have been?”

  “London’s full of dangerous men,” Blackwood muttered. “This is why you must never leave the ward again without a companion.”

  We helped him to his feet and let him lean on us both as we shuffled toward home.

  Once we were inside, Agrippa and the housekeeper fussed over Blackwood. Rook seized the opportunity to slip away.

  Soon as I could, I ran up the stairs to the servants’ corridor and knocked on his door.

  “Rook. Please let me in.”

  After my third round of knocking, he said, “I don’t trust myself, Nettie. You must stay away.” His voice sounded strained, as though he was lifting something. Or, perhaps, holding something at bay.

  I pressed my palms against the wood. I wanted to claw my way through. “I’d feel so much better if I could see you.”

  “I want to let you in,” he groaned. I heard him move farther away from the door. “But I can’t.”

  “The ball’s the day after tomorrow. All you need to do is hold on till then. All right?”

  “Yes.” His voice was so, so faint.

  Only a few more days. Rook could hold on. He would.

  He had to.

  Lilly helped me into a crimson gown, an outfit I’d not yet worn. I was determined to enjoy this night. Rook was secure in his room, excused from work on account of the afternoon’s attack. That was a comfort; my nerves were raw.

  “First time at the theater.” Lilly sighed. “You’ll need something ever so special.” She showed me a paper bundle. “For your hair, miss. From the garden.” They were several red roses, the perfect color of my dress. We de-thorned the flowers and inserted them in my hair where they might stay. When I turned for her, Lilly clapped. “Beautiful!”

  I went downstairs, following the sound of the boys’ voices and laughter. When I appeared, everyone fell silent. Dee grinned. Even Lambe and Wolff gave me an appreciative nod. But I felt Magnus’s eyes on me from the moment I came down.

  “Shall we?” he murmured, offering his arm.

  The carriages dropped us at the theater, directly into a cluster of fashionable people. We entered the red velvet foyer. High mirrors in gilded frames reflected the crowd, giving the impression of a churning sea alive with faces and conversation. Burnished candelabra illuminated murals of pink-and-white ladies seated atop fluffy clouds, playing lyres and surrounded by winged cherubs. We looked about until we found Blackwood and Eliza. The instant she spotted me, she kissed me on both cheeks and took my hands.

  “I’m so glad you’ve come. I wanted to show you this particular cut of gown. Do you like it?” She did a full turn for my benefit, charming in an emerald-green dress with puffed sleeves. She fluttered her black lace fan.

  “It’s lovely.”

  “I told Madame Voltiana to make its style into an especial cut for your commendation, since it’s so fashionable. Do you plan on drinking any champagne tonight? George won’t even let me try it,” she said, tapping her brother’s arm with her fan. He shook his head and smiled. His sister was the only person on earth who could remove his stoic facade.

  “I’ve never tasted it before, actually.”

  “There! You see, George? If Henrietta gets champagne tonight, then so do I, and don’t tell me I can’t,” she said.

  Magnus approached us. Eliza smiled and held out her gloved hand in a rather theatrical gesture. “Hello, Mr. Magnus. It’s been so long since we last met.” She batted her eyelashes.

  “My dear,” Magnus said, kissing her fingers. “You’ve grown even lovelier. I didn’t think it was possible.” He bowed deeply as she giggled and fluttered her fan. God, they deserved each other. Blackwood cleared his throat and drew Magnus away.

  With the young men gone, Eliza turned to me. “I’ve had a delicious thought. Once you’re commended, we can design a Howel seal. No one’s designed a new sorcerer’s seal in ages, so it’ll be marvelous! Are you partial to unicorns?”

  “Not really,” I said with a smile.

  “Oh. Well, just a small one, then.”

  At some point, we were obliged to take our seats in Blackwood’s box. We’d a good view of the stage. Men and women squinted through small pairs of opera glasses to better watch the play, and to better watch one another. I wondered, uncomfortably, if any eyes turned toward our box. I craned my neck to look up at the domed ceiling, at the crystal chandelier, at the red velvet drapes and the magnificent painted screen in front of the stage. I could never have imagined such a place, and I was so overwhelmed I scarcely read my program. As the lights dimmed, small, mothlike creatures fluttered down before us. I almost swatted them with Eliza’s fan.

  “Don’t,” she whispered, “they’re usher faeries.” Indeed, upon closer inspection I noticed the small human creatures attached to those wings. The one in front of me shook its silver-blond hair and giggled, a thin, almost inaudible sound. The faeries flew to the stage, and the play began.

  I enjoyed every moment. The four lovers were hilarious, though I found Helena stupid with all her crying and screaming. Titania and Oberon, the faerie king and queen, were so beautiful it practically hurt. Titania’s skin glowed even when she stood far away from the lights.

  At some point in the play, an unfortunate man named Bottom was given the head of a donkey. The faeries actually turned the actor’s head into an animal’s. The audience shrieked as the donkey brayed at us, a bit hard to understand with his mulish lips. Puck, a boy with green skin and leaves for hair, appeared and disappeared in the laps of several audience members. He even materialized in our box, kissing Eliza’s hand and swiping a rose from me. Magnus swung to get it back, but Puck vanished.

  “It’s all right,” I said. Magnus had had too much to drink, and frankly so had I. What a delicious experience champagne was! What was I on, my third glass? Magnus put his lips to my ear.

  “He should have kissed your hand. You’re the most beautiful girl in London tonight,” he whispered. My whole body felt warm, somehow heavier.

  Puck, at the end of the play, appeared before us on the stage. “If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended.”

  Magnus leveled his stave at the actor.

  “What are you doing?” I snapped.

  “Steal a rose from you, will he? I’ll give him roses.” He aimed at one of the candles, and the leaves on top of Puck’s head caught fire. Everyone screamed. The little faerie squealed and beat at his hair to put them out. Once he’d done so, he pointed to our box.

  “Sorcerers! You behave yourselves, you drunken reprobates!” The theater erupted in laughter and applause.

  Pointing his stave toward the ceiling, Magnus yelled, “For Her Majesty!” The boys and I all joined him (except Blackwood, naturally). The audience cheered. I had never felt so alive or wonderful.

  With the play ended, Blackwood ushered me aside, grabbing my arm when I stumbled. “You’re drunk, Miss Howel.”

  “I am perfectly all right.” Really, he shouldn’t look at me with such horror. I only tripped because the carpet was uneven.

  “I’m taking you home. If anyone saw, your reputation would be damaged.”

  “Don’t need a reputation.” I stared at his shoes. They were lovely shoes.

  “I want to get smashed, too,” Eliza whispered.

  “Eliza, be quiet. Put your head down, Miss Howel, and we’ll—”

  “Keep your hair on, George. I’ll take her home,” Magnus said, settling my wrap around me. “I can hold my liquor. You’ve got your sister to see back.”

  Blackwood nodded. “Fine. Be careful, the both of you.” He escorted Eliza away. She waved to me and flashed a look at Magnus.

  “Thank you, Father,” Magnus grumbled. Snickering, we stole off, tripping once on my skirt.

  —

  WE CLIM
BED OUT OF THE CARRIAGE, singing funny songs about fish. The butler looked less than pleased as we stumbled inside. “Shall I send Lilly up, Miss Howel?”

  “I’ll ring her when I’m ready. Thank you.” Magnus and I clomped up the stairs. I held out my hand to shake. “G’night. Sleep well.”

  He kissed my hand, never taking his eyes from mine. “Good night, Howel.”

  That warm, liquid feeling returned. I walked to my room, trying to clear my head. I’d just gotten to my door when I heard a noise and turned. Magnus was behind me.

  “What is it?” My voice sounded hoarse.

  “I forgot something,” he said. His eyes had the strangest light.

  “What?”

  He put his hands to my waist. I gasped, but he held me. He brought his lips to the corner of my mouth and kissed me.

  “Wait,” I said. He pulled back.

  “That wasn’t so bad, was it? I’ll leave, if you wish.”

  That was exactly what he needed to do. There was Rook upstairs, the commendation, the war.

  “Stay.” For a moment, I couldn’t believe what I’d said. Take it back. Now. But his kiss…

  He slid his arms around me, brought his lips to the other corner of my mouth. I groaned as I turned to catch him, but he cupped my face in his hand, holding me in place. Gently, he pressed his lips to mine, only for an instant. I leaned forward, burning for more.

  “Please,” I said, the world swimming before me. This was so wrong, so disastrously wrong, but at the moment all I could do was feel how warm he was against me, how soft his mouth was.

  “Oh my darling,” he whispered, and kissed me again, harder this time. I ran my fingers through his hair. He kissed my neck, breathed against the hollow of my throat, and nipped my bare shoulder. Every molecule inside me exploded with light and heat. Magnus kissed my eyelids and then returned to my mouth. “To hell with all this,” he whispered.

  The hall spun. I heard my bedroom door close, and he pressed me against his body so that we lined up perfectly with each other. “I’ve wanted this for so long,” he whispered into my ear, sending small signals of fire running down my spine. “You’ve wanted it, haven’t you?”

  “Yes,” I said. Now I kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I couldn’t seem to stop. It was like when I set myself on fire, the spark giving birth to a full blaze. I trailed kisses along his jaw. He groaned and pulled me closer.

  “You’re an adventurous creature, aren’t you?” His voice was rough, his breathing harsh. He ran his hands down my back.

  “I don’t know,” I whispered as he kissed my neck. It felt as if I were running down a steep hill, my heart pounding with exhilaration. I made him look at me, traced my fingertips over his face and through his hair. Touching him was overwhelming. Did all people find kissing this intoxicating?

  “You are adventurous,” he murmured. I felt the flicker of his tongue as our kiss deepened. He touched my hair, cried out, and brought his hand away with blood welling on the tip of a finger. “How the devil—?”

  “The roses? We missed a thorn,” I said, half afraid he would stop. He laughed as he pulled the flowers out of my hair and kissed me again. My feet left the ground. I was lying down now, the canopy above me whirling. Magnus pulled my skirt up inch by inch, revealing my leg—

  “No!” I yelled. I pushed him away, rolled off the bed, and fell to my hands and knees. No amount of alcohol would make me forget myself that much. I staggered to my feet and hung on to the bedpost. Magnus sat up, his hair rumpled.

  “What are you doing?” I asked. What was I doing? How had we got here so quickly?

  “I thought—well, weren’t we going to?”

  “No, for God’s sake.” I could barely speak the words.

  “But what else are we supposed to do?” He sounded confused.

  “That is something you save for marriage.”

  “But, my darling,” he said, as if I were slow, “you know I can’t marry you.”

  “Excuse me?” The drunken effects vanished. I’d never been more aware of anything.

  “You know I’m engaged to be married.”

  “You are what?” Images flashed through my mind of spearing Magnus with a bolt of lightning.

  “I told you. Didn’t I?” Now he seemed hesitant. “Miss Doris Winslow, I’m engaged to her. Wait. Didn’t I tell you?”

  “No.” The floor spun beneath me. I wanted to fall onto my bed and wake to find this hadn’t happened.

  “Oh God. No wonder you were enthusiastic. I’m sorry.” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “It slipped my mind.”

  “You thought you’d”—I choked on the word—“with me and then leave me?”

  “No! Henrietta, I’m only marrying her because my family’s destitute. I don’t know how to earn money, so I have to have an heiress. But she’s very dull, you know. Not like you.” He came to me, that roguish smile back on his face. “You’re the most exciting girl I ever met.”

  “But you wouldn’t marry me.” My voice sounded distant. Had I even wanted to marry him? His presence was so intoxicating, and I sometimes couldn’t keep myself from thinking about him. But was that love?

  I didn’t think he could treat me this way if he loved me.

  “I can’t have two wives, can I? Look, we keep it a secret. Once we’re commended, you have your house, and I’ll have mine. It’ll be easy to meet for—”

  “My reputation would be destroyed.”

  “But you’re going to be a sorcerer! You’re not like other girls. Even if they found out, no one would—”

  “You don’t understand a damn thing about the world, do you?” Mr. and Mrs. Magnus would be accepted by society. I would be an outcast because loose women must always know their place.

  “I want you more than any other girl I’ve ever met,” Magnus said, reaching for my waist. Want. Not love. “If I could, I’d marry you tomorrow. As is, let’s make the best of this bad situation.”

  I slapped the smile off his face, hard as I could. Grabbing Porridge from my sheath, I held it to his chest. He put his hands in the air.

  “Don’t do anything foolish,” he muttered.

  “Get out, or I’ll scream.”

  Magnus opened the door and left. I sat on my bed for ten minutes, stupefied, then rang for Lilly. She didn’t ask why I’d waited so long to call for her, and I didn’t tell.

  I huddled in the darkness until I heard the boys come home, the shouts and jokes echoing through the halls. I thought about the day I’d dueled with Magnus in the library, when he’d praised my eyes. I’d imagined there was something special in that attention, but I was wrong. He wanted me, nothing more. I was the fool.

  A bloody fool, I thought. Magnus had tossed one of my roses onto the bed. I picked it up and tore all the petals out in a fistful, squeezing them tightly.

  I thought about Rook, the two of us sitting out on the moor, back in Yorkshire. Everything had been clear, everyone in their right place. Who had I become? What was I becoming?

  I cried while I listened to the boys go up the stairs to bed. The harder I cried, the more I hated it. I set fire to the petals to calm myself, watching them crisp and blacken in my hand. It worked. The flush of heat on my skin evaporated the tears. The fire scorched my sadness. Only an ember of anger remained.

  “Are you well, Henrietta?” Agrippa asked at breakfast. I stared bleary-eyed into my tea.

  “Just tired, sir.” Across the table, Magnus ate in silence. When Dee tried to make a joke, Magnus shot him a look so black he shut up at once. The whole room was quiet except for Lambe tapping his water glass with a fork. Blackwood read a letter over and over, lost in thought. We were quite a merry gathering.

  “We’ll practice creating the column of fire this morning. When you’ve finished your breakfast—”

  “I’m finished now.” I pushed the tea and untouched toast away.

  “You haven’t eaten a thing.”

  “I’m not hungry, sir.”
>
  “I daresay too much champagne,” Blackwood said, putting his letter away at last. He looked from me to Magnus. I could see that he suspected something. Damn him. “Perhaps Miss Howel might benefit from private instruction,” he said.

  The blood rushed to my cheeks. “I’m fine working as usual.” I pushed my chair back and left the room without another word.

  —

  I IMAGINED A CANDLE FLAME THAT grew into a pillar of light. My hands felt warm, but the column of fire did not appear.

  “Henrietta, you’re not trying,” Agrippa said.

  “My head hurts.” That wasn’t a lie.

  “Well, it can’t. Tomorrow you’ll either be commended or dismissed. No second chances. Everything must be perfect,” he said. Blackwood stood by a wall, while Magnus looked everywhere but at me.

  “I’ve done well so far, haven’t I?” Massaging my temples did nothing.

  “The queen is young and unsure in her reign. Her nonmagical advisors don’t like the idea of a woman sorcerer. If you fail in any way, they’ll persuade the queen not to commend you.”

  Sparks shone upon my dress but died. Agrippa puffed out his cheeks in exasperation.

  “Why on earth are you so tired this morning? You went to the theater last night; it wasn’t a walk to Northumberland.” He circled around me.

  “I don’t feel well.” Memories of kissing Magnus returned, tinged with shame.

  “How you feel doesn’t matter,” Agrippa said.

  “What do you mean?” I dropped my hands from my head.

  “These men want to see if you are a sorcerer. They’ve no time for anything else.”

  The chamber filled with a great wind that knocked Agrippa down. He struggled back to his feet, his hand raised as a signal to stop.

  “As long as I do exactly what everyone wants,” I said, “I’ll be worth something?”

  “That’s not what I meant.” He attempted to get up again, but this time I forced him back. My breath quickened.

  “I’m tired of catering to everyone’s demands, and I’m tired of pleasing and pleasing!” My voice rose into a scream, and the wind rose with me. Agrippa cried out. Blackwood ran to help him up and shouted for me to stop.