My Life as Polluted Pond Scum
Page 7
The attendant continued to roll me toward the ambulance as everyone promised to meet me at the hospital. But I barely heard their promises. Dad’s words were still echoing in my head. And so were Mom’s. “You just did the best you could where God planted you. If you hadn’t got that job at the Water Management Facility none of this would have happened.”
But she only knew a fraction of it. If I’d had my way, I wouldn’t have taken the job in the first place, nor would I have ever met the “ghost” or got kidnapped by the suits or crashed the helicopter or nearly drowned or been saved by Iatds. Amazing. It was like everything that I thought was so bad had actually worked out to be so good.
Incredible.
The attendant slid me into the ambulance. And, after joining me inside and shutting the doors, we were off. The ride would take about thirty minutes. And since I was feeling pretty good, and since I had to find some way to kill the time, I reached for ol’ Betsy. After all, I wouldn’t want to let Dad down.
I popped up the screen, snapped on ol’ Betsy, and finished my superhero story.
When we last left Tidy Guy, his thoughts were messier than the cables in the back of a VCR. His thinking is so chaotic it doesn’t even come out right on the page.
The same goes for our baddest of the bad guys:
And then, just when things couldn’t get any worse (or more confusing to read), Chaos Kid reaches over to his trusty chaos generator and begins dialing dials, switching switches, and flipping...er...flippers.
The generator roars louder and louder and louder some more. Suddenly the Chaos Beam explodes in a giant flash of blinding light. Now everything is bathed in its mega messiness.Everything loses order...planets, people, even writers of superhero stories.
“Hey, a minute wait!” I type. “That’s true not. Now out cut that! you hear me, Do Kid Chaos? me Answer!”
A frightened Chaos Kid around looks and cries, “said that Who, who?”
“Me!” type I.
nervously, Fumbling for his generator, until down the power he turns the words I’m typing start to appear in the right order again. But Chaos Kid is still pretty frightened. Come to think of it, so is Tidy Guy.
“Who...who said that,” Chaos Kid repeats as he searches the sky, obviously trying to figure out where my voice is coming from.
“Me,” I type again.
He swallows hard. “Who’s...who’s ‘me’?”
“Me. Your author.”
“Our author?” Tidy Guy stammers.
“That’s right.”
Chaos Kid continues searching the heavens. “Listen,” he shouts, “I don’t care who you are. You can’t just barge into our story like this.”
“Says who?” I type.
“It’s not fair. It doesn’t make sense.”
“That’s right,” I type. “If you want total chaos, then I can jump in and out of your story anytime I want.”
“But it’s not fair,” Chaos Kid repeats. “I won’t stand for it.”
“You won’t stand for it?” I type.
“That’s right,” he says, folding his arms and stomping his foot in defiance.
“Listen, Kid,” I type. “If I wanted to, I could blow up the entire chaos generator by writing one sentence. Or for that matter, I could give you seventeen feet and three heads. Wanna see?”
“No, no!” he cries. “I believe you! I believe you!” He is definitely on the nervous side and takes a second to wipe his brow. He glances to Tidy Guy then looks back into the sky. “So what do we do now?” he shouts.
I type, “Now would be a good time for you to destroy your chaos generator and become Tidy Guy’s friend.”
“No way,” Chaos Kid shouts.
He senses me reaching for the keyboard and, in a panic, shouts, “All right, all right. I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”
He turns to the generator and reluctantly starts to take it apart.
“Why did you build that thing in the first place?” Tidy Guy asks.
“Because the world doesn’t make sense,” Chaos Kid says. “It’s nothing but chaos.”
“That’s not true,” I type. “The world makes perfect sense.”
“Not from here,” he says. “From down here, a lot of stuff doesn’t make sense.”
“Maybe not to you,” I type, “but from where I sit, everything does. Everything I type is for a reason. You may not understand it now, but believe me, when the story’s over, it’ll make perfect sense.”
“That’s pretty tough to believe.”
I nod and type. “Guess you’ll just have to trust me. Until then, I guess you’ll have to bloom where I plant you.”
“Yeah, but——”
“Listen,” I interrupt, “we’re getting close to the hospital so I better finish this. You guys go ahead, shake hands and make up.”
Tidy Guy and Chaos Kid look at each other skeptically.
“Go on,” I type. “Shake and make up.”
Reluctantly, they reach out and shake each other’s hands.
“Good,” I type.
I start to reach for the off switch when Tidy Guy looks up and calls, “Could you explain one thing?”
“What’s that?”
“Why did I fly all the way over here in my starcruiser, if you could have stopped Chaos Kid on your own?”
I type, “Because I wanted you two to meet and start working together.”
“Really?” they both say in unison.
“Really,” I type. “Tidy Guy, with your sense of order, and Chaos Kid, with your imagination, you two will be able to do incredible things together.”
“Hey,” Chaos Kid beams, “I never thought of that.”
“Yeah,” Tidy Guy grins, “that’s pretty cool.”
“See,” I type. “There are lots of things you guys haven’t thought of. You’ll just have to trust that I’m doing stuff for good, even when it doesn’t look that way.”
“Deal,” Chaos Kid calls.
“Deal,” Tidy Guy agrees.
“All right,” I type, “I gotta go now.
We’ll see you around.”
“Okay,” they shout, “and good luck at the hospital.”
I reached over and shut ol’ Betsy down just as the ambulance slowed to a stop in front of the ER entrance. Being at the hospital definitely made me nervous. But, just like Tidy Guy and Chaos Kid, I’d have to trust that God would work it out for my good. It’s true; trusting isn’t always easy, but I was making progress. Day by day, I was slowly making progress.
You’ll want to read them all.
THE INCREDIBLE WORLDS OF
WALLY MCDOOGLE
#1—My Life As a Smashed Burrito with Extra Hot Sauce
Twelve-year-old Wally—“The walking disaster area”—is forced to stand up to Camp Wahkah Wahkah’s number one all-American bad guy. One hilarious mishap follows another until, fighting together for their very lives, Wally learns the need for even his worst enemy to receive Jesus Christ. (ISBN 0-8499-3402-8)
#2—My Life As Alien Monster Bait
“Hollyweird” comes to Middletown! Wally’s a superstar!
A movie company has chosen our hero to be eaten by their mechanical “Mutant from Mars!” It’s a close race as to which will consume Wally first—the disaster-plagued special effects “monster” or his own out-of-control pride . . . until he learns the cost of true friendship and of God’s command for humility. (ISBN 0-8499-3403-6)
#3—My Life As a Broken Bungee Cord
A hot-air balloon race! What could be more fun? Then again, we’re talking about Wally McDoogle, the “Human Catastrophe.” Calamity builds on calamity until, with his life on the line, Wally learns what it means to FULLY put his trust in God. (ISBN 0-8499-3404-4)
#4—My Life As Crocodile Junk Food
Wally visits missionary friends in the South American rain forest. Here he stumbles onto a whole new set of impossible predicaments . . . until he understands the need and joy of sharing Jesus Christ with others.
(ISBN 0-8499-3405-2)
#5—My Life As Dinosaur Dental Floss
It starts with a practical joke that snowballs into near disaster. Risking his life to protect his country, Wally is pursued by a SWAT team, bungling terrorists, photo-snapping tourists, Gary the Gorilla, and a TV news reporter. After prehistoric-size mishaps and a talk with the President, Wally learns that maybe honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-3537-7)
#6—My Life As a Torpedo Test Target
Wally uncovers the mysterious secrets of a sunken submarine. As dreams of fame and glory increase, so do the famous McDoogle mishaps. Besides hostile sea creatures, hostile pirates, and hostile Wally McDoogle clumsiness, there is the war against his own greed and selfishness. It isn’t until Wally finds himself on a wild ride atop a misguided torpedo that he realizes the source of true greatness. (ISBN 0-8499-3538-5)
#7—My Life As a Human Hockey Puck
Look out . . . Wally McDoogle turns athlete! Jealousy and envy drive Wally from one hilarious calamity to another until, as the team’s mascot, he learns humility while suddenly being thrown in to play goalie for the Middletown Super Chickens! (ISBN 0-8499-3601-2)
#8—My Life As an Afterthought Astronaut
“Just cause I didn’t follow the rules doesn’t make it my fault that the Space Shuttle almost crashed. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of my fault. But not the part when Pilot O’Brien was spacewalking and I accidently knocked him halfway to Jupiter. . . .” So begins another hilarious Wally McDoogle MISadventure as our boy blunder stows aboard the Space Shuttle and learns the importance of: Obeying the Rules!
(ISBN 0-8499-3602-0)
#9—My Life As Reindeer Road Kill
Santa on an out-of-control four wheeler? Electrical Rudolph on the rampage? Nothing unusual, just Wally McDoogle doing some last-minute Christmas shopping . . . FOR GOD! Our boy blunder dreams that an angel has invited him to a birthday party for Jesus. Chaos and comedy follow as he turns the town upside down looking for the perfect gift, until he finally bumbles his way into the real reason for the Season. (ISBN 0-8499-3866-x)
#10—My Life As a Toasted Time Traveler
Wally travels back from the future to warn himself of an upcoming accident. But before he knows it, there are more Wallys running around than even Wally himself can handle.
Catastrophes reach an all-time high as Wally tries to outthink God and re-write history. (ISBN 0-8499-3867-8)
#11—My Life As Polluted Pond Scum
This laugh-filled Wally disaster includes: a monster lurking in the depths of a mysterious lake . . . a glowing figure with powers to summon the creature to the shore . . . and one Wally McDoogle, who reluctantly stumbles upon the truth.Wally’s entire town is in danger. He must race against the clock, his own fears, and learn to trust God before he has any chance of saving the day.
(ISBN 0-8499-3875-9)
#12—My Life As a Bigfoot Breath Mint
Wally gets his big break to star with his uncle Max in the famous Fantasmo World stunt show. Unlike his father, whom Wally secretly suspects to be a major loser, Uncle Max is everything Wally longs to be . . . or so it appears.
But Wally soon discovers the truth and learns who the real hero is in his life. (ISBN 0-8499-3876-7)
#13—My Life As a Blundering Ballerina
Wally agrees to switch places with Wall Street. Everyone is in on the act as the two try to survive seventy-two hours in each other’s shoes and learn the importance of respecting other people. (ISBN 0-8499-4022-2)
#14—My Life As a Screaming Skydiver
Master of mayhem Wally turns a game of laser tag into international espionage. From the Swiss Alps to the African plains, Agent bumblingly employs such top-secret gizmos as rocket-powered toilet paper, exploding dental floss, and the ever-popular transformer tacos to stop the dreaded and super secret . . . Giggle Gun. (ISBN 0-8499-4023-0)
#15—My Life As a Human Hairball
When Wally and Wall Street visit a local laboratory, they are accidentally miniaturized and swallowed by some unknown stranger. It is a race against the clock as they fly through various parts of the body in a desperate search for a way out while learning how wonderfully we’re made. (ISBN 0-8499-4024-9)
#16—My Life As a Walrus Whoopee Cushion
Wally and his buddies, Opera and Wall Street, win the Gazillion Dollar Lotto! Everything is great, until they realize they lost the ticket at the zoo! Add some bungling bad guys, a zoo break-in, the release of all the animals, a SWAT team or two . . . and you have the usual McDoogle mayhem as Wally learns the dangers of greed.
(ISBN 0-8499-4025-7)
#17—My Life As a Mixed-Up Millennium Bug
When Wally accidently fries the circuits of Ol’ Betsy, his beloved laptop computer, suddenly whatever he types turns into reality! At 11:59, New Year’s Eve, Wally tries retyping the truth into his computer—which shorts out every other computer in the world. By midnight, the entire universe has credited Wally’s mishap to the MILLENNIUM BUG! Panic, chaos, and hilarity start the new century, thanks to our beloved boy blunder. (ISBN 0-8499-4026-5)
#18—My Life As a Beat-Up Basketball Backboard
Ricko Slicko’s Advertising Agency claims that they can turn the dorkiest human in the world into the most popular. And who better to prove this than our boy blunder, Wally McDoogle! Soon he has his own TV series and fans wearing glasses just like his. But when he tries to be a star athlete for his school basketball team, Wally finally learns that being popular isn’t all it’s cut out to be.
(ISBN 0-8499-4027-3)
#19—My Life As a Cowboy Cowpie
Once again our part-time hero and full-time walking disaster finds himself smack dab in another misadventure. This time it’s full of dude-ranch disasters, bungling broncobusters, and the world’s biggest cow—well let’s just say it’s not a pretty picture (or a pleasant smelling one). Through it all, Wally learns the dangers of seeking revenge. (ISBN 0-8499-5990-X)