Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  "We don't have any condoms," Levi said, although he knew it was a weak excuse.

  "You told me the tests were negative."

  "They were," Levi said, "but we should still use one."

  Jaime shook his head. "You said it was up to me, and I say we don't need them."

  Levi had said that, but he hadn't ever dreamed it would become an issue so soon. The truth was, he wasn't nearly as worried about the tests being wrong as he was about the other problems that might arise. The thought of the pain he might cause Jaime paralyzed him.

  "I can't," he whispered.

  "You can," Jaime said, kissing him.

  Levi's words hadn't been rhetorical. The thought of what might happen had literally made him incapable. His erection was gone, and he could only pull Jaime close and hold him tight. "I don't want to hurt you, Jaime. I love you so much."

  "Don't you see, Levi?" he asked. "That's why it'll be fine."

  Levi could only shake his head. Jaime sighed, and if he was disappointed it was only for a moment. "Another time then," he said. He rolled them over. He moved down on Levi and used his tongue and warm mouth to coax Levi's erection back to life. He turned around, offering himself to Levi as he continued his own attentions, and Levi happily obliged him, sucking him in deep. He felt Jaime's gratified moan vibrating in his own cock.

  This was easy. This he could do. But even as he lost himself to the pleasure they shared, one thought remained in the back of Levi's mind: Jaime wouldn't be dissuaded forever.

  * * * *

  Nancy's birthday was the last Saturday in March, and the entire family gathered at Levi's parents' house to celebrate. After the half-full house at Christmas, it was strange being together with all of them again. Jaime could sense the ones who hadn't been around at Christmas watching he and Levi, unsure how to act. Abraham was cold to both of them, and Isaac and Rachel especially seemed not to know how to handle it. Dinner was tense, to say the least.

  When it was over, Abraham announced he wanted the family to meet in his study. Next to him, Jaime was surprised to hear Jacob groan.

  "Don't go," his wife said to him. Nobody else heard, mostly because nobody else was listening.

  "I have to," Jacob said.

  "Maybe it won't be so bad this time."

  "It'll be just like every other time," he said. "It never ends. It's the same old argument. I wish we didn't have to talk about it at all."

  Jaime was distracted from his eavesdropping by Ruth. "Come on, Jaime," she said, pulling him out of his chair. "You should come, too."

  Jaime didn't argue, but followed the rest of the family down the hall to the study. "Don't get upset when they start harping on our 'lifestyle,'" Levi told him quietly. "It won't do any good. Just bite your tongue and wait for it to be over."

  The last thing Jaime wanted to do was draw attention to himself. "No problem."

  The family members were all sitting in their seats around the circle.

  "Here we go again." Levi sighed. "It never ends."

  The words were so much like Jacob's, and Jaime debated if he should tell Levi. And then he realized, he had the answer.

  Levi was turning away to take his seat, and Jaime grabbed his hand. "Call the vote," he said quietly to Levi.

  "What vote? What do you mean?"

  "Tell them you don't want to talk about this anymore. Tell them it's a dead issue, and you want to call the vote."

  "Why?" Levi said, shaking his head. "It won't do any good."

  "Levi?" Nancy called out. "We're waiting on you."

  "Trust me," Jaime whispered. He let Levi go and took his seat near the door with Jackson.

  The Binder confab started as it always did, with an opening prayer, asking God to guide them, and then Abraham clapped his hands and said, "Okay, people, any new business?"

  Isaac spoke first. "You all know the prognosis for Kristine's mother is not good. The doctors say another three or four months. I'd like to ask you all to keep her in your prayers."

  "We will, honey," Nancy said, and the rest of the family nodded.

  "Anything else?" Abraham asked.

  Everybody looked uncomfortably around the circle, but nobody spoke.

  "Any old business?"

  Nobody answered, although they all glanced nervously at Levi. Abraham was opening his mouth to speak, but Levi beat him to it.

  "We all know what the old business is," he said drily. "It's me."

  "Levi, it's a testament of our love that we continue to want what's right for you."

  "I don't question your love for me," Levi said. "And I hope none of you question my love for you. But I'm tired of having this discussion over and over again. I know your side, and you know mine. And nothing is ever going to be resolved."

  Ruth looked surprised, and pleased. Everybody else in the circle was shifting nervously in their seats.

  "I think it's time we accept there will never be a resolution to this issue and debating it every time we're together only causes heartache. I propose we put this issue to rest and never discuss it again."

  "Levi--" Abraham started to say, but Levi spoke over him.

  "I call the vote."

  There was silence in the circle. Jaime's heart was pounding. He hoped he was right to have suggested this course of action. Next to him, Jackson scrunched down in his seat and hid his smile behind his hand.

  Ruth broke the silence. "In the past, I think we all had serious misgivings about the way Levi lived--and I think our concerns were warranted--but everything's changed now." She looked over at Jaime, and Jaime felt himself blush under her scrutiny. "Levi's quit working at the club. More importantly, he's forsaken the perks of working at that particular club." Levi blushed, but didn't look away. "He moved away from Miami. I think it's clear he's completely committed to Jaime, and I think Jaime's the best thing that's ever happened to him. I vote with Levi."

  She sat back in her seat and looked past Levi, who was beside her, to the next person in the circle, Rachel.

  Rachel didn't sound as sure of herself as Ruth had, but she didn't hesitate. "With regards to homosexuality, I think church doctrine is quite clear, but Ruth is right. Everything's changed now. It's still a sin, but I believe denying Levi and Jaime the comfort and love of their family is a far worse sin." Jaime was touched and a bit amazed she had included him in her statement. "I vote with Levi."

  She turned to Caleb, who was next in the circle. Caleb sat up straight, clearing his throat. "I disagree with the church on this issue. It's true in the past, I felt Levi's lifestyle was unhealthy and self-destructive. Now, though, I think he's on the right track. He obviously loves Jaime very much, and I don't believe love is ever a sin." He looked around the circle with a challenge in his eyes. "I'd also like to say my wife and I live outside the laws of the church as much as Levi, and I thank God every day you all have never passed judgment on us for it. I think it's time we afforded Levi the same courtesy. I vote with Levi."

  He turned to his father, sitting next to him. Abraham looked a bit shell-shocked. "I have to disagree with you all. Church doctrine is clear on this issue. I don't stand by that doctrine out of some blind devotion to the church elders. I stand by it because I love Levi, as I love all of my children, and I want him to live righteously. I want him to be able to meet his Heavenly Father someday and not have to hang his head in shame. My vote is no."

  He turned to Isaac, who didn't hesitate to speak. "I agree with Dad. The fact Levi is apparently in a monogamous relationship now changes nothing. The fact they may love each other changes nothing. Choosing to continue homosexual behavior is still a sin. I vote no."

  He turned to Jacob, who looked scared to death. His eyes darted around the circle. He looked over at Ruth, Rachel and Caleb, apparently realizing his vote could decide the issue if he took their side, which was what Jaime was counting on.

  Jacob's voice, when he spoke, was shaky. "I have to agree with Isaac," he said. "The nature of Levi's relationship with Jaime doesn't make hi
s lifestyle any less of a sin." He stopped, and Jaime felt his heart sink. "However, I have to agree with Levi, too. I am sick and tired of talking about this every time we're together. Church doctrine isn't going to change any time soon, but I'm pretty sure Levi's feelings on the matter aren't going to change either. Especially now."

  He stopped, staring at his feet, until Nancy said, "What is your vote?"

  Jacob sighed. "I pass," he said, and put his head down in his hands.

  Everybody else in the circle now turned to Nancy. If she sided with Levi, it would be over, but if she voted against him, the vote would be tied. Jaime wasn't sure what happened then.

  "For years, we prayed for God to change our son. We prayed Levi would renounce his lifestyle and find his way back to the church and back home. And all those years we prayed, he drifted farther and farther away. After Ruth's prayer in November, I started thinking maybe she was right and I changed my prayer. Since then, I've prayed for two things with regard to Levi: I prayed he would find peace, and I prayed he would come home. And only then did our Heavenly Father see fit to answer me."

  "Nancy!" Abraham said. "You cannot--"

  "Dad," Ruth interrupted, "you can't argue during the vote!"

  It took obvious effort on Abraham's part to abide by the rule. He crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair, glaring at his wife.

  Nancy took a deep, shaking breath, and met her husband's eyes. "I know God's law according to President Monson and his apostles. I know what the church says. But I know what's in my heart, too. Levi is my son, and I don't want to drive him away any more. I love him. And he loves Jaime. Right or wrong, I don't think it's something I want to try to change. I think the best thing we can do, as a family, is to love them both, and let the rest be in God's hands. I vote with Levi."

  Abraham bent over and put his head in his hands. "I cannot condone this," he said. His hands muffled his voice, but his words were still understandable. "I cannot abide by this vote."

  "Yes, you can, Abe," Nancy said, her voice gentle, but firm. "This is how our family has always done things. You don't get to change the rules now just because things aren't going your way."

  "Dad," Levi said in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, "you certainly can't object to Jaime. He's a better Mormon than half the people in this room."

  His joke caused a few of them to laugh, but Abraham wasn't one of them. He shook his head. "Levi, you know my feelings on the matter. I cannot in good faith condone this."

  "I'm not asking you to condone my lifestyle or to change your mind about whether or not it's a sin. I don't expect you ever to approve. But debating this issue every time we see each other doesn't help."

  "But to turn a blind eye to this sin, here in my own house? Levi, how can I?"

  "The same way you pretend nobody in this room had coffee this morning. The same way you pretend Caleb and his wife don't drink. The same way you pretend Jackson's actually Mormon at all." Ruth ducked her head to hide her grin, and Jackson burst out laughing, although he quickly stifled it when everybody turned his way.

  "Dad," Levi went on, "I know you hate this because it means we won't be together as a family in heaven. I'm sorry about that. But I want us to be a family here, in this life at least." He looked around at his siblings. "Isn't that better than nothing?"

  "Yes," Ruth and Rachel said together. Caleb nodded as well.

  "Abraham," Nancy said quietly, "God has brought my son back to me. Don't you dare try to take him away again."

  "No," Abraham said, standing up. "This is not right!"

  "This isn't about right and wrong," Nancy said, her voice like ice. "This is our family! The decision has been made."

  "I won't accept it!"

  "Yes, you will!"

  "No," he said with finality, "I won't." He stalked out of the room, not quite slamming the door behind him. The rest of the family shuffled nervously in their chairs, looking around the room, but not meeting each other's eyes.

  "Mom," Levi said, "I'm sorry--"

  "Don't apologize," his mother said, leaving no room for argument. She looked around the circle at her children. "The vote stands."

  "What about Dad?" Isaac asked.

  "That's not for you to worry about," Nancy said. She looked directly at him, and Jacob sitting next to him. "Will the two of you be able to abide by this vote?"

  Jacob nodded, but Isaac looked uncomfortable. "Dad will never accept it."

  "I'm not asking about your father. I'm asking about you. We've voted here today, and I'm asking if you can accept our decision?"

  Isaac glanced around the circle at his siblings, then back at Jackson and Jaime. His cheeks flushed red, and he sighed. "Yes," he said to his mother. "I'll abide by the family's decision." He looked over at Levi. "I'll continue to pray you'll change your mind."

  "Knock yourself out," Levi said with a forced smile. "Just don't expect me to pray with you."

  They lapsed into silence, each of them apparently lost in their own thoughts. Levi looked back at Jaime, smiling, but with heartache in his eyes, and Jaime wished he could go to him. But he stayed in his seat.

  "Okay," Nancy said at last, "let's bow our heads, and I'll say the closing prayer."

  Everybody crossed their arms and ducked their heads, including Jackson. Jaime crossed his arms, but kept his eyes on the circle of Levi and his family.

  "Heavenly Father, we gather before thee today with happy hearts, but with troubled souls. We are lost, as never before. Heavenly Father, when last we gathered together as a family in thy presence, we asked thee to guide my son Levi. We asked thee to help him find that which he sought. We asked thee to make him whole. This is something we have prayed for many times since. It would seem, Heavenly Father, that in thy divine wisdom, thou hast granted our prayer. And yet, not in the way any of us expected. We cannot help but question whether or not this is right. We cannot question your wisdom, Heavenly Father, and therefore we must question our own.

  "We need your guidance, Heavenly Father. Our family is at a crossroads, and we do not know which way to go because it seems either way we turn, we will commit a grave sin in thy eyes. We have been told this love we see here before us is a sin. For us to embrace it and accept it in our homes must also be a sin. Yet, the other option we are presented with is to renounce our son and our brother. To pass judgment. To fracture our family. To cause pain and suffering to someone we love. And we know from thy teaching Heavenly Father, that this is also a sin. We do not know which of these sins is greater.

  "For ourselves, Heavenly Father, we feel we can no longer keep our family at odds. We do not know if this is thy will or not. We do not know if this choice will please thee. What we do know, Heavenly Father, is this: for the first time, we look at Levi and we see he is happy. We see he is strong. We see his heart is whole and full of love. Is that not according to thy will? He is as thou made him. Is it our place to question thee? Is it our place to pass judgment on that which thou hast seen fit to grant him? We do not understand. But we are grateful. We are thankful we can be here together, in the grace of thy love. We ask thee, Heavenly Father, to open our hearts and our minds to thee. We ask thee to guide us. We ask thee to grant us a tiny piece of thy divine wisdom that we may choose the right path, and do what is right in thy eyes. We ask for thy guidance in this, as in all things.

  "We humbly ask these blessings in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ. Amen."

  It should have felt like a victory, but Jaime could see how heavily Abraham's disapproval weighed on Levi's heart. The rest of the family went out of the study, gathering in the kitchen, or in the family room to watch TV. Some were spending the night, and some, like Jaime and Levi, were driving back home.

  Soon, too, the family room started to empty. Jaime knew Levi was stalling, hoping to see his father before they left to make sure everything between them was okay. But he waited in vain.

  Chapter 36

  Levi tried not to be depressed about his father's unwill
ingness to speak to him. He called his mother several times over the next two weeks, but all she would say was, "He needs time." He told himself to be patient. After all, his family had already come farther in the last few months than he ever would have expected. He felt he should be satisfied. But he wasn't. He was no longer ashamed to admit to himself how much he longed for his father's approval.

  Two weeks later, Levi returned home from work to find Jaime sitting in the living room. Normally when he came home, he would find Jaime in the kitchen making dinner, upstairs doing laundry, or in his massage room organizing the many bottles of scented oil he used. This time, he was simply sitting on the couch, still and silent. Dolly was next to him, her head in his lap. He was staring at the TV, even though it wasn't on. In his hand was an envelope.

  Levi knew right away something was wrong. "Are you okay?" he asked, getting on his knees in front of Jaime. Jaime's eyes had the haunted look in them Levi had come to associate with anything related to his past.

  Jaime handed the envelope to Levi. It was addressed to his old house in Miami, but had been forwarded by the post office. The return address was Donna Miller, in Cleveland, Ohio.

  "My uncle is dead," he said. "She wants to know if I'm okay." His voice was flat, completely detached. "She wants to know if I'll be coming home."

  Levi hated that Jaime's family would intrude on them now. He felt a blinding hatred for every member of Jaime's family. He told himself it wasn't fair to be angry at Donna. She was Jaime's mother, after all. She had a right to worry, but he hoped it wouldn't cause Jaime to sink into another period of depression.