The Hitwoman and the Chubby Cherub

by JB Lynn

  I chuckled. “It’s sad, isn’t it? But in Armani’s world, it seems perfectly normal to have a psychic matchmaking business.”

  “Never a dull moment.” He considered his wine for a moment. “I get it, you know.”

  “Get what?”

  “The desire to be boring. To be normal. To not have sketchy people showing up all the time. To not have the cops showing up on a semi-regular basis.”

  I nodded. “I guess it couldn’t have been easy growing up in your family.”

  “I’m the black sheep of my family,” he said somberly. “They’re all disappointed in me for not going into the family business.”

  “Even your uncle?” I asked curiously. I’d never seen Delveccio, the mob boss, treat his nephew with anything other than kindness. Sure he teased him a little, but I hadn’t sensed any hostility in him when Angel was around.

  Angel shook his head and sighed heavily. “He’s mellowed. When I first joined the Navy…” He stared off into space for a long moment. “When I first joined up he threatened to have me framed for something in order to get me kicked out.”

  “But he didn’t,” I guessed.

  “No.”

  Something about the terse answer made me ask, “Why not?”

  “Angelina.”

  “Your cousin?” I pictured his beautiful, but not all there, cousin who resided in the same hospital as my mother.

  “She got--” He interrupted himself and scowled. He threw back the rest of his wine before continuing. “She ended up pregnant and that became the center of attention. So I was let off the hook.”

  I fiddled with my napkin unsure of what to say.

  An uncomfortable tension stretched between us in the silence.

  “She give you the keys to those things?” Angel asked finally.

  “What?”

  “The cuffs. Keys?”

  I shook my head and looked down at the fuzzy pink where they hung from my jeans with dismay. “Crap.”

  He laughed. “Just take a key from a pair in the special room. They’ll work.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded.

  I wondered how he knew that. I also wondered how he knew about the special room. Deciding I didn’t really want the answer to either of those questions, I asked, “More pizza?”

  He pointed at the parking lot. “Looks like you’ve got a customer. I’ll take it in the back.”

  He grabbed the pie, plates, cups and wine and I wiped down the counter, hoping the place didn’t reek of pepperoni.

  A woman with short grey hair entered. She hesitated a moment, glancing around. “Are you by any chance Maggie Lee?”

  I nodded nervously. “Can I help you?”

  “Your aunt told me I could find you here.”

  “Loretta?”

  “No. I’m Cam.” She marched forward and extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  I shook her hand, impressed with her firm grip. “Maggie. What can I do for you?”

  “I’m here to strategize.”

  “Strategize?”

  “About Valentine’s Day.”

  I was struggling to follow her line of conversation, but I pasted on my best fake smile and tried to appear helpful. “Were you looking for anything in particular?”

  She nodded. “I want to take that bitch Megan down.”

  Chapter Seven

  I’ve got enough enemies in my life. I don’t need to make any more, but I must admit that my heartbeat sped up at the idea of taking Megan down.

  “I told her I’d help with the party, but she refused. Then I heard she asked you.”

  “Oh,” I said, latching on to the shred of hope that I wouldn’t have to do this stupid kids’ party that dangled in front of me. “Well, I’m really busy, so feel free to take my spot,” I offered, probably a tad too eagerly.

  Cam shook her head, her mouth flattening into a hard line. “Can’t do it.”

  “Sure you can.”

  “No, I mean she won’t let you do it. She’ll badmouth you to all the other parents. She’ll say you’re irresponsible, that you’re not pulling your weight. She’ll--”

  “You do know I’m not actually a parent,” I interrupted. “I’m my niece’s guardian and as such, I’m not really qualified to do real parent things.”

  Cam stared at me, trying to assess whether or not I was teasing. “Is that a joke about me?” Her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared.

  I half-expected her to lower her head and charge me. “No. I was just saying I’m not her mother.”

  “Like I’m not?”

  I tried not to flinch at the cutting anger in her tone.

  “Because let me tell you, I’m a better mother than most.”

  “I’m sure you are,” I soothed, totally confused. “Look,” I admitted sheepishly, “I know this means I’m really slow on the uptake, but I really have no idea what’s going on.”

  Cam regarded me thoughtfully. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “I thought everyone knew.”

  “Probably everyone besides me.” I offered her an encouraging smile. “Any chance you’ll take pity on me and bring me up to speed?”

  Cam bit her lower lip, considering my request. “I’m gay.”

  I waited.

  She waited.

  “So…?” I prodded.

  “That’s why Megan won’t let me help with the class. I mean, she comes up with all kinds of PC reasons, but that’s the real one.”

  I stared at her for a long moment, unsure of how to respond. I didn’t know whether I should tell her I was sorry the other woman was a bitch to her, or if I should just give into the anger bubbling up inside me and just spew my dislike for Megan.

  When I remained silent Cam’s eyes narrowed.

  Finally I just spit out, “That khaki-encrusted bitch.”

  Cam’s eyes widened and then she threw back her head and laughed, the sound echoing off the shop’s walls. “Khaki-encrusted!” she gasped, before dissolving into more laughter.

  The sound was infectious and I found myself chuckling too.

  Wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, Cam grinned. “I like you, Maggie Lee. I think we’re going to get along just fine.”

  “And we’ll take Megan down a notch or two.”

  So much for not making more enemies.

  Angel reemerged from the back of the store after Cam and I had exchanged phone numbers and she’d left.

  “How does this place stay in business?” he asked. “You never seem to have any customers.”

  I shrugged. “It’s a Tuesday. Maybe people don’t think about sex on Tuesdays.”

  “People think about sex every day,” he replied drily.

  “They do indeed,” a man agreed.

  Angel and I turned to see that Templeton, Aunt Loretta’s furniture mover, had entered through the back of the store.

  “It smells like pizza back there,” Templeton said.

  “Help yourself to a slice,” I offered.

  He gave me a small smile. “Thank you. The offer’s much appreciated.”

  I looked at him a little more closely. He looked like he’d lost weight, and while he was usually a dapper dresser, he was looking a little rough around the edges.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Of course. Of course. Loretta just wanted me to come by and check on how things were going.”

  “Everything’s good.” Remembering that she’d had him feng shui-ing the furniture, I impulsively added, “You know you’re allowed a day off. You don’t have to run around at her beck and call all the time.”

  He blinked at me surprised.

  “I’m just saying you need to take care of yourself too,” I explained kindly. “Loretta can be…demanding.”

  He nodded slowly. “She is a force of nature.”

  “Go home. Read a book. Catch up on some sleep,” I ordered. “I’ve got this.”

  He straightened a little at the prospe
ct. “If you’re sure?”

  I nodded. “Go.”

  He bowed slightly and left the way he’d entered.

  “And take some pizza,” I yelled after him.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Angel shaking his head.

  “What?” I asked.

  “When’s the last time you took a day off?”

  “It’s been a while,” I admitted grudgingly. Even the time I’d recently spent at a spiritual retreat had actually been a cover for an assassination job.

  “You work too much,” he decided.

  And he didn’t even know I was supposed to whack the Cupid Killer and deliver a package for his uncle.

  Chapter Eight

  I was exhausted by the time I fell into bed and slept the sleep of the dead, until DeeDee started licking my face.

  I pushed her away, not thrilled to have my slumber interrupted.

  “Gotta, gotta,” she insisted.

  I grudgingly dragged myself out of bed and opened the storm door to let her out of the basement. She bounded off happily. I stumbled into the sunlight sleepily.

  “Good morning, Maggie!” The cheeriness in Aunt Leslie’s voice grated on my nerves.

  It took all my restraint not to snarl back, ‘what’s good about it?’. I just raised my hand in a half-hearted wave.

  “Care to join us?” Leslie invited.

  Shielding my eyes from the sun to figure out who ‘us’ was, I spotted U.S. Marshal Larry Griswald contorting himself into an awkward imitation of the pose Leslie seemed to be holding effortlessly.

  “No thanks.” I considered telling Griswald that I’d seen my dad the night before, but I wasn’t sure what good would come of it, so I crawled back into the cave otherwise known as the basement.

  As I walked down the stairs, Piss sauntered up, brushing against my leg and purring softly, “Hang in there, sugar.”

  I couldn’t help but notice that her fur still sparkled with glitter, but I was wise enough to not ask if she wanted a bath.

  While she and DeeDee were outside, God, stretched out on the piece of driftwood in his terrarium, asked, “What’s on the agenda today?”

  “I’ve got to take Katie to school.”

  “And then?”

  I filled him in on my father’s visit, my newfound parent ally, Cam, and the handcuffs. “Plus,” I concluded, “I want to visit Fern Cardinale’s restaurant and check out one of Belgard’s regular stops.” Just voicing the plans for the day exhausted me.

  “You should bring me with you,” the lizard declared.

  “Why?”

  “An extra set of eyes might prove helpful.”

  I couldn’t disagree with that. “Okay.”

  I showered and dressed quickly and then opened the storm door to let the cat and dog back inside so that I could feed them.

  DeeDee galloped down the stairs. “Hungry. Hungry.”

  “When are you ever not hungry?” I laughed.

  “I’m hungry too,” God whined pitifully.

  Piss followed the dog inside at a more sedate pace.

  “What about you, miss?” I asked. “Are you hungry?”

  When she didn’t answer, I realized it was because she was carrying something in her mouth.

  “What have you got?” I asked suspiciously.

  Ignoring me, she jumped up on the shelf that held the lizard’s terrarium.

  “Hey,” I protested. “Get off of there before you knock something over.”

  She flattened her good ear in protest.

  “Food!” God bellowed.

  “I heard you the first time you said you were hungry,” I snapped.

  “Glorious food!” he shouted, staring at what Piss held in her mouth.

  I bent over and looked at it more carefully. Sure enough, she had a still squirming cricket.

  “Fresh food!” The anole scampered from one end of his enclosure to the other. “Locally harvested and a sustainable crop.”

  I pushed the lid aside so that Piss could drop the insect inside.

  The cricket fell with a pitiful cry.

  I slammed the lid back on before he could escape.

  “I don’t know how sustainable the crop is.” The cat licked her paw, looking on with approval as the lizard caught the insect and began eating his meal.

  “Hungry,” DeeDee whined.

  “Yeah, yeah.” I hurried to fill her bowl with kibble. “What about you?” I asked Piss. “Did you have a locally harvested meal too?”

  “Not with this one galumphing around like a herd of cattle, bless her heart.”

  I put out food for the cat too.

  “I’m going to run Katie to school, then I’ll come back for my walk with DeeDee and then we’ll go on our adventure.” I looked at the lizard to see if he was listening.

  A cricket leg protruded from his mouth. He raised his front foot, which I took as the reptilian way to give a high five.

  I made breakfast for Katie, or rather I cut up an apple and squeezed some yogurt into a bowl for her. She ate the apple happily, but made a face at the yogurt, preferring to eat it out of the squeezable package.

  “It tastes the same,” I told her what felt like the millionth time. Both Angel and her occupational therapist Rhonda wanted her to eat as many meals as possible with utensils, to improve her coordination and strength.

  While she grudgingly ate the yogurt, I poured myself a cup of coffee. “I’m going to help with your Valentine’s Day party at school.”

  That brought a smile to her face. “You are?”

  I nodded.

  “Cool.”

  “As a cucumber,” I teased.

  She giggled.

  “More eating, less laughing, young lady,” Angel said with mock sternness as he joined us.

  “Coffee?” I offered.

  “Please.”

  I poured him a cup.

  “Aunt Maggie’s helpin’ with the party,” Katie told him excitedly.

  “What party?” He took the cup from me with a nod of thanks.

  “Valentine’s Day,” Katie and I answered simultaneously, which resulted in her giggling more.

  “Is that what the glitter was about?” Angel sipped his drink.

  “Sort of,” I admitted. “It was the invitation to volunteer.”

  “They send out invitations to volunteer?”

  I sighed. “This woman does.”

  Angel raised his eyebrows signaling he’d heard my dislike of Megan.

  “Aunt Susan hates glitter,” Katie announced seriously.

  “She’s not the only one,” I muttered.

  Angel shot me a warning look. “What about you, princess? Do you like glitter?”

  She nodded enthusiastically. “It makes everything pretty.”

  Angel glanced at me. “It certainly does,” he murmured quietly.

  Embarrassed, I looked away. “Finish up, baby girl. This train’s leaving soon.”

  “Choo choo!” She pumped her arm like she was operating a train whistle before dutifully gobbling up the rest of her meal.

  She then chattered happily about her school activities as we finished getting ready to leave and drove over to the school.

  As usual classes had already begun as I walked her through the hallways.

  “I love you, Aunt Maggie,” she declared when we reached her classroom.

  Bending down to give her a hug, I whispered, “I love you more.”

  “I love you most,” she countered.

  I shook my head. “Not possible.” Kissing her cheek, I handed over her backpack and pushed her gently toward the door.

  She tottered in with a last wave to me.

  “Amazing the way you’ve bonded,” someone said.

  Twisting around, I found khaki-encrusted Megan watching me. I slowly got to my feet.