The Hitwoman and the Chubby Cherub

by JB Lynn

  The woman beamed. “Perfect! I’ll take it.”

  While she caressed her cheek with the fabric, I mouthed “thank you” to Armani.

  She gave me a saucy wink. “Let me show you how it’s done. You go man the register.”

  I almost turned down her generous offer to help, but remembering Loretta’s advice, I smiled my gratitude and let her take over.

  I retreated behind the counter and watched in awe as she did her thing. I don’t know if she was using her psychic powers or what, but she did an amazing job of helping people find just what they wanted. It didn’t matter if the customer was a college girl who wanted something special for a date, a clueless husband shopping for his wife, or a pair of identical twin sisters, who, if their giggling was any indication, were up to no good.

  Every customer left satisfied and with a smile on their face.

  Finally, when there was a moment when there were no customers lurking around, I emerged from behind the counter with a stool for Armani to sit on. But before I offered it to her I enveloped my friend in an impulsive hug. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “For what?” she asked, genuinely perplexed.

  “This. Everything.” I waved my hand to encompass the store. “I don’t know how to repay you.”

  She shook her head as she lowered herself onto the stool. “This was nothing. I like bossing people around.”

  I chuckled, knowing it was true. “But this was above and beyond.”

  Armani shook her head. “No. Above and beyond is trying to rescue your friend when she’s been kidnapped by a mob family. Even though you kind of sucked at the rescuing part.”

  I smiled at the memory. “That’s what friends are for.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “Friends are for shopping with, and getting plastered with. What you did, that’s what sisters are for.” Her voice cracked at the end, revealing the depth of her emotion.

  My chest tightened and my eyes stung with tears. Not knowing what to say, I hugged her again.

  “I helped too,” God said from my bra.

  Armani didn’t seem to register my squeaking chest.

  “So as your honorary sister,” she quipped, “I’m telling you that if you don’t claim that Angel as your own soon, he’s fair game.”

  I laughed. “Go for it.”

  She shook her head. “What is wrong with you? The man is h.o.t. hot.”

  “He is,” I agreed.

  Armani grinned, “So you’re not blind to attractive men?”

  I shook my head.

  “Glad to hear it. So why don’t you go after him?”

  I couldn’t very well tell her that I’d hooked up with Patrick, so I just shrugged.

  “Just because you became Katie’s mom, doesn’t mean you have to take a vow of chastity.”

  “I’m not her mom,” I quickly corrected.

  She looked at me strangely, but chose not to argue. Which was probably wise, as a new wave of customers strolled in, eager to spend their cash.

  I was tired by the time I closed up the shop. All I wanted to do was get back to the B&B, check on Katie, grab something to eat, and put my feet up.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I stumbled into the kitchen after checking on Katie, bleary-eyed, determined to raid the fridge and hang out in the basement.

  I reached the refrigerator before I realized I wasn’t alone in the room.

  Aunt Susan and Griswald were making out against the sink, four hands and two tongues, working at a frenzied pace. Needless to say, they were unaware I’d entered.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I silently spun around and tried to tiptoe out.

  Which was really stupid, because it’s impossible to tiptoe anywhere with one’s eyes closed.

  I ran right into a cabinet, stubbing my toe in the process.

  “Margaret!” Susan gasped.

  Without turning to face them, I raised my hand in greeting. “I was just on my way out.”

  “Nonsense. Have you had any dinner?” Susan pushed.

  I shook my head, but still didn’t turn around.

  “I’ll fix you a plate,” she insisted.

  I sighed and slowly turned around. “I don’t need a plate. I was just going to grab some peanut butter.”

  My aunt shook her head. “Your nutrition habits are deplorable.”

  Considering she’d been playing slap-and-tickle in the kitchen, I didn’t think she should be judging my habits. I could feel myself tensing. I’d had a long day and didn’t need a lecture.

  Griswald must have anticipated my reaction, because he intervened. “She looks exhausted, Susan. Maybe she just wants a sandwich and to rest.”

  I shot him a grateful look, while my aunt stepped closer to get a better look at me.

  “Long day?” she asked sympathetically.

  “They all are,” I replied honestly. “And I have to find gluten-free ice cream.”

  Susan blinked rapidly like I’d just announced I’d become a cannibal or something. “What?”

  “I need to buy gluten-free ice cream for Katie’s class for the Valentine’s Day party. I got roped into providing the food.”

  “Because you don’t have enough to do?” Griswald chided gently.

  I shrugged. “I was asked, so I couldn’t say no. I figured it was the kind of thing Teresa would have done.”

  Susan clucked her tongue disapprovingly. “Teresa would have never been asked.”

  I balled my hands into fists. “So you’re saying they saw me coming and guessed that I’m a soft touch?”

  Pain and sadness sharpened Susan’s features for a moment. “No dear,” she murmured, moving closer so that she could pull me into her arms.

  I held myself stiff. I couldn’t welcome her touch when she thought I was a fool.

  I felt her turn to look at Griswald and found myself watching him too. He gave her a reassuring nod.

  “What I meant,” Susan explained, “is that no one would have ever asked Teresa. She just wasn’t dependable.”

  “But--” I protested, pulling away from her.

  Susan shook her head. “I know that you have this glorified view of your sister, but as I’ve tried to tell you before, Teresa wasn’t nearly as squared away as you imagined. She wasn’t dependable and no one would have asked her.”

  “Wouldn’t have asked who what?” Marlene asked, bouncing into the kitchen.

  Leslie followed closely behind her.

  “Nothing. You look like you’re in a good mood.” Susan smoothly changed the topic of conversation as she stepped away from me.

  Marlene nodded excitedly. “Aunt Leslie and I are going to double-date.” She grabbed Leslie’s hand for emphasis.

  Personally, I found the idea of double-dating with anyone, let alone my aunt who’d only recently gotten sober, to be appalling, but Marlene looked genuinely excited.

  I mustered what I hoped passed for a smile for her.

  Susan wasn’t quite so generous. She arched an eyebrow. “Aren’t you supposed to be abstaining from romantic relationships?” she asked her sister pointedly.

  “I’m in N.A. not Lovers Anonymous,” Leslie snapped back. “So mind your own beeswax.”

  Susan frowned, but managed to remain silent.

  “We’re going to have the best time,” Marlene continued, undaunted by the tension between the sisters. “You should come with us,” she said to Susan. “We could make it a triple date!”

  I’m pretty sure I saw Susan blanch at the idea, but to her credit, she managed to reply with a brittle smile. “Thank you, but we already have plans.”

  Every female eye in the room turned to stare at Griswald. From the expression on his face, I knew that this was the first he was hearing of the so-called plans. In fact, faced with the amount of expectant estrogen in the room, he looked downright apprehensive.

  Taking pity on him, I announced to no one in particular, “Armani helped me out at The Corset today. If she gives up her interior design business
she should become a personal shopper.”

  “I thought she worked at the insurance company,” Leslie said.

  Griswald nodded his thanks to me.

  “She quit and opened an interior design company with a former dogcatcher.”

  “She does have a good eye,” Susan remarked. “And I guess her flair for the dramatic might serve her well in that field. Good for her for taking the initiative.”

  It was the first time I’d ever heard her say anything positive about my friend and I fought the urge to hold my hand against her forehead to see if she had a fever.

  “We’ve got the munchies,” Marlene declared.

  Susan looked at her sharply.

  That wasn't the best thing to say when the other part of your “we” is in Narcotics Anonymous.

  “So does Maggie,” Susan said, “and since she hasn’t had dinner yet, she has first dibs on the kitchen. Everyone else out.”

  While the women all went toward the dining room, Griswald slipped outside. Perhaps to escape all that estrogen.

  I quickly made myself a PB sandwich, grabbed a butterscotch pudding, and dashed down the basement stairs, yelling, “All yours.”

  “Maggie! Maggie!” DeeDee panted as I descended.

  “I know, I know, you’re hungry.”

  “Hungry not.”

  I narrowed my gaze, now trying to decide if she was ill. The dog was always hungry.

  “Angel fed us not long ago,” Piss explained, rubbing her entire body against my shin.

  “Burger,” DeeDee reminisced, licking her chops.

  “And tuna,” Piss preached poetically as I put my food down on the coffee table.

  “What about you?” I asked God as I gently pulled him from his hiding spot.

  “Not hungry either.” He stretched as I carefully put him into his terrarium.

  I plopped on the couch, the dog settling on one side of me, the cat on the other, and ate my sandwich in relative peace, despite DeeDee staring at me the whole time like she hadn’t eaten for weeks.

  For a moment I allowed myself to indulge in the fantasy that the four of us were the only ones in the house. I daydreamed about what it would be like to run away with them and start over, alone. Unlike my human family members, their needs were easily met and they expected so little of me. I envisioned what it would be like to not have the kind of crushing responsibility that made me skulk in and out of my own home, and snap at people for no good reason. It was a wonderful fantasy.

  “Earth to Maggie,” God interrupted.

  “What?” I asked, realizing I’d tuned him out.

  “I asked if you really find Angel attractive, or if you were just saying that to appease Armani?”

  “He’s attractive,” I replied slowly.

  “And, unlike someone else we all know, he’s available,” God reminded me.

  “And dependable,” Piss added while licking her paw.

  Only the dog remained silent, maintaining her allegiance to Patrick. I wasn’t sure if that was loyalty or the fact that she couldn’t understand what was being discussed.

  “I’m not interested in him like that,” I told the animals. “He’s Katie’s manny. Nothing else.”

  “Oh come on, sugar,” Piss purred as she groomed herself. “He’s not even my type and I think he’s an attractive fella.”

  “I’m not interested in him that way.” My voice cracked a little at the end, revealing my lie.

  “What are you going to do?” God asked. “Spend your whole life waiting for the redhead to decide you’re a priority in his life?”

  I winced as the barb hit me square in the heart.

  Noticing my pain, Piss flexed her claws in God’s direction, effectively making the lizard shut up.

  “All we’re trying to say,” she mewled softly, “is that we think you deserve better and Angel is better.”

  “I appreciate that, but I have bigger things to worry about right now.”

  God sniffed incredulously. “Like what?”

  Ignoring his disdain, I said, “I need to break in to Kevin Belgard’s house.”

  “Do let’s it!” DeeDee barked excitedly.

  Piss looked up from her grooming long enough to ask, “Why?”

  God remained uncharacteristically silent.

  “I need to see if there’s anything in the hidden compartment of the house. Patrick seemed to think it’s important.”

  “By all means,” God mocked, unable to restrain himself any longer, “be at the beck and call of Mister ‘If you know what’s good for you’.”

  “What’s that mean?” Piss asked, giving me her full attention. “What’s up, sugar?”

  I frowned, totally understanding how curiosity could be the downfall of her species.

  I took a deep breath, not wanting to get into a discussion about the mysterious blonde and Patrick’s strange reaction. “The point is there could be something hidden in that house. Something important. Something that could lead me to Darlene.” Remembering Loretta’s lecture, I added, “Will you guys help me find it?”

  “Sure for,” DeeDee barked.

  “You bet your sweet britches, sugar,” Piss purred.

  “Be careful what you wish for,” God intoned ominously.

  As usual, he was right.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “All set for tomorrow?” Megan trilled as I watched Katie lurch into her classroom, barely keeping herself and her backpack vertical.

  It was a little creepy that the other woman always seemed to be around. It was a lot annoying that she was checking up on me.

  “All set,” I agreed, flashing her my best ‘back off bitch’ smile.

  “Because if you’ve run into any problems, I suppose I could help you out,” Megan conceded in her best martyred tone.

  “Nope. I’ve got it under control,” I said so sweetly it made my teeth ache. “I already enlisted someone’s help, but thanks for the offer.”

  “Who?” she asked suspiciously. “If they’re not on the approved list…”

  “They are. I checked,” I lied smoothly. “Don’t worry. This is going to be the best party the kids have ever had.”

  Megan looked worried.

  “See you tomorrow.” I managed to insert even more saccharine-goodness into my tone. I gave her two thumbs-up and marched away like I actually knew what the hell I was doing.

  I’m pretty sure I saw her flip me the bird out of the corner of my eye.

  “You sweat when you lie,” God complained while nestled in the hammock of my bra.

  “I wasn’t lying, I was embellishing. Besides, Cam promised it’s going to be epic.”

  “And you believe her?” he scoffed.

  “Why shouldn’t I?”

  “Maybe because you just met her? Maybe because she seemed to have an unhealthy desire for revenge?”

  “It’ll be fine,” I said, more to assure myself than him.

  “Or it’ll be a disaster of epic proportions,” he countered.

  Still, I couldn’t worry about that. I had to go find my father. Even though I was pissed at him for a multitude of reasons, I figured he should know he was a suspect in Belgard’s death.

  I went to the place he said he’d be. I went to ‘the trees’, but he wasn’t there. Since he hadn’t specified when he’d be there, I settled in for a long wait, putting the lizard on the dashboard so that he could soak up some rays.

  “Five,” I murmured staring at the trees.

  My parents had always claimed they’d been planted in honor of their children, but I’d only had three sisters.

  “This again.” God made no effort to disguise his exasperation.

  “Who’s the fifth one for?” I asked.

  An hour later my father appeared, strolling up to my car as though he didn’t have a care in the world.

  “I knew you’d show up,” he said as I rolled down my window.

  “You’re welcome,” I countered dryly. “Get in.”

  He climbed into the
passenger seat and stared at the anole as though he’d never seen a lizard sitting on the dash of someone’s car before.