A few hours later she heard the beep of an incoming email on her phone. She didn’t pretend she wasn’t waiting for one. Helping Joe was the only way she could distract her mind from thinking about Meredith. She grabbed her phone out of the pocket of her jeans and opened the email.
Hey, Steph. I hope everything is okay with you today and thank you for your support. My parents arrived this morning from New York, it was amazing to see them again. My mum was her usual self, taking care of the practical things like cleaning and making tea. It felt nice to have some sort of normality back. My dad was a little upset, well, devastated, to finally see me. He took my disappearance hard. I think the emotions of finally seeing me again were too much for him. It felt strange to hold him as he cried.
Carrie is coming over tonight and my mum is going to cook us all a meal. It’ll be nice to have some home-cooked food; my mum's chilli is to die for.
How is your Saturday going?
Speak soon, Meredith.
As she finished reading the email, she wondered why Meredith hadn’t mentioned Kathleen. She knew they were having some adjustment problems, but she hoped they were working on it. Meredith had been through such horrendous, evil things, she deserved to be looked after properly.
She was about to reply when Joe called to her from the front of the shop.
“Hey, Steph? Can you cover out here while I help carry this canvas to a customer’s car?”
“Yeah, sure.” She slipped her phone back into her pocket and went to do Joe’s bidding, all the while thinking about what her reply would be to Meredith’s email.
Chapter Nine
“Meredith, honey? I need to go get some ingredients for the meal tonight. Go pop your coat on and we can get going.” Her mother didn’t see the look of horror that passed across Meredith’s face.
Just the mention of going outside filled her with dread. She still hadn’t told her parents about her lack of ability to leave the apartment. She stood from her kitchen table, pushing the lid closed on her laptop as she went. Without giving it a thought, she went to the hall closet and popped on her parka coat. Her hands shook as she zipped it up and she could feel a light sheen of sweat forming on her forehead. Her breath came in quick gasps and black spots danced before her eyes. She was going down, she had never had a panic attack before, so she didn’t know the symptoms, but surely this was it?
As she leaned back against the wall her mother came around the corner. Taking in Meredith’s state she rushed to her daughter's side. She placed a hand on her shoulder and said, “Bloody hell, Meredith! Quick, sit down before you fall down.”
Meredith slumped to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest, resting her forehead on them. Her mother crouched down beside her and began rubbing soothing circles on her back.
She tried to control her breathing, but every breath caught in her throat. She was gripped by a full-blown panic attack.
“Harold?” Janet called.
Meredith’s dad came into the hallway and took in the scene.
“Meredith? Baby, look at me.”
In the back of her mind she thought it funny that her dad still called her “baby” even in her early forties. She lifted her head and gazed steadily into her father's eyes. She felt the strength in them, helping to ground her.
“Meredith, you need to slow down your breathing. Try to take a deep breath and let it out slowly.”
She began breathing in time to her father’s breaths, concentrating on holding his gaze with her own and the cadence he set. After a few moments her breathing settled, her head cleared.
“Thanks, Dad. I’m not sure what happened.” She could see the look that passed between her parents, they didn’t believe her, they damn well knew she was hiding something.
She stood and headed back to the lounge, discarding her coat on the back of the chair as she went. Her parents came in behind her and both took a seat facing her. They looked at her with sympathy and she found she could no longer hide what she was feeling.
“There's something I need to tell you both. I haven’t been out of the house since I have been home. I don’t know if it’s some kind of PTSD, but I’m scared to go out the front door.”
“Oh, sweetheart, why didn’t you say anything?” Janet asked.
Meredith shrugged, not sure how to answer the question.
“I guess I didn't want to admit I was more affected by what happened than what I am. There’s more.” She waited for her parents to both look her in the eye and she said the hardest part. “I seem to have a problem with touch. If anybody touches me, I get filled with panic and I flinch.”
“But we’ve been touching you since we’ve been here this morning,” her father said. “In fact, you hugged me.”
She could see the confusion on their faces. She found it hard enough to understand it herself let alone explain it to someone else. The only thing she could come up with was they were her parents, subconsciously she knew they would never hurt her.
“I was just so happy to see you both, and Dad, you were so upset, I didn’t think. I guess having the comfort from you both is something that I need.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, lost in their own thoughts.
Finally, Janet stood and asked, “Do you need anything from the shop?”
If Meredith was confused over the change of subject, she didn’t show it. She shook her head and with a brief nod, her mum left. Meredith regarded her father who looked somewhat bewildered. She went and sat by him, their thighs touching, neither speaking for a few minutes.
“Honey, I am so sorry this is so hard on you. What can we do to make this better for you?”
“There's nothing you can do, Dad. I have a counsellor coming on Tuesday to see me and hopefully she will be able to help. Just you and Mum being here is enough. It’s good to have mum’s practical side here. I am concerned she might be burying her head in the sand and not dealing with all this, but I’m happy she’s here helping.” She reached out and took her father's hand, ignoring the surprise on his face when her fingers touched his. “You’re my dad, you’ve always been there for me, guiding me, is my strength. I’m sorry this is hard for you, but I am going to be okay, I’ll get through this.”
“What does Kathleen say about all of this?”
“We haven’t really spoken about it. She’s picked up that I don’t like to be touched and I think she’s feeling a lot of rejection from me right now.” Meredith drew in a breath. She ignored her father's grunt of derision. “I wouldn’t necessarily say we’re having problems, but we are definitely in different places right now. She’s trying her best. I know this is difficult for her. I’m not sure how I would cope if my partner had been raped and tortured.” Her father's hand tightened in her own. She didn’t mean to say that last bit out loud and she could only imagine the images that flashed through his mind.
“I'm sorry, Dad.”
“Don't you dare ever apologise for the crap that you’ve been through. That bastard hurt you through no fault of your own and I don’t want to hear you ever say you’re sorry for the things he did.”
Her eyes teared, and they spilled down her cheeks. Gently, her father put his arms around her shoulders and hugged her close. Some of the tension and shame that were within her began to slip away. Finally, wrapped in the safety of her father’s arms, she began to feel that maybe she could get over this, maybe she could heal.
†
Stephanie locked the door behind the last visitor, flipping the closed sign. She walked back over to where Joe sat behind the counter working on closing the till.
“Tell you what, Joe, it might have started out quiet this morning, but it soon picked up this afternoon.”
“Yeah, if I haven’t said it yet, I’ll say it now, it’s bloody good you came back when you did.” Spring and summer were always their busiest times and they usually needed to work extra hours to cover the popularity of the gallery.
“Well, I’m glad I’m here to help you with yo
ur business. It’s not like I’ve had a traumatic experience or anything.”
Joe looked up from his accounting and caught the smirk on her face.
“You know, it’s fine to joke about this and everything, but if you seriously need to talk, I’m here. And if you prefer something a bit more girly, I'm sure Fiona won’t mind talking to you.”
She looked away, thinking about his words. Ever since her accident as a child, things for her had never been normal. The brain injury had taken something away from her. She could understand people’s emotions, could understand the way people felt, but she couldn't empathise with them. There was something missing within her, something she didn’t know she needed. Like now, Joe obviously couldn’t understand that she was fine. Yes, she did feel some anger that she was kidnapped, she didn’t much like what happened, but she wasn’t grieving, she wasn’t upset. It was almost like the emotional switch within her brain had been switched off. The only time she could recall any sort of empathy or feeling was when West hurt Meredith. She didn’t understand why that was, all she knew was Meredith had found a way inside her. Stephanie understood the concept of love, she thought she felt it for her mum, or at least should feel it for her mum, and she had strong feelings for Joe and Fiona, but the thing that was happening within her, her thoughts about Meredith, troubled her. She didn’t care that she herself was brutalised, she only worried that Meredith had been.
She turned back to Joe, who was looking at her expectantly.
“I keep telling you this, Joe, I’m fine. You know it’s not within me to have the sort of feelings you’re expecting of me, they’re just not there.”
“It’s okay, I just wanted to make the offer and it still stands.”
She was about to reply when her mobile phone rang.
“Hello?”
“This is Detective Connor. I’ve been placed in charge of the Jameson West case. I wanted to make you aware of where things stand at present. He is still claiming his innocence, but we have officially charged him, he will be going to trial, and there is a good possibility you may need to give evidence.”
“Sure, that’s fine, let me know when you’ll need me.”
“Well, it may not be for a few months yet, but I shall keep you informed.”
She hung up the phone and casually relayed what the officer had said to Joe. She shrugged at his questioning glance.
“The police have a lot of evidence against him, Joe. I can’t see how he is claiming innocence, but I suppose he has to try.”
She glanced at the clock hanging behind the counter and decided a few beers would be a good idea.
“Hey, do you fancy grabbing a few beers tonight?”
“I'd love to, but I need to get back and see Fi. We’ve hardly seen each other all week.”
“Okay, cool. I'll see you later.”
They said their goodbyes, and she went up to her apartment to get ready for a night out on her own. She might not have any real emotions going on inside her, but she still had thoughts, and those thoughts needed to be silenced.
†
Meredith hung up the phone and went back into the kitchen where Carrie stood at the sink washing dishes. She and Holly had come over as planned and Janet had cooked them the most delicious chilli Meredith had ever tasted. Holly was in the lounge with Meredith’s parents discussing the advertising world they all worked in and Carrie and Meredith had offered to wash up. Meredith’s phone had rung halfway through and she had gone to answer it.
“Who was that?” Carrie said, placing a saucepan onto the draining board.
“That was Detective Connor, he’s the officer dealing with the kidnappings. Apparently, Jameson West is going to trial and I will have to give evidence.”
Carrie stopped what she was doing. Wiping her hands on a tea towel, she turned to face her.
“That’s insane! How the hell does he think he's going to get away with this?”
“The detective is confident that he won’t and to be honest, I’m more concerned that I may have to leave the apartment.”
“When do you start seeing the counsellor?”
“I have my first appointment on Tuesday.” Meredith continued to dry the dishes and placed them in their respective cupboards. “I had a pretty bad anxiety attack this morning. Mum wanted to go to the shop and asked me to go with her and I froze. I was on the verge of passing out.”
Carrie started towards her, her natural reaction to hug her, but Meredith turned away. She could see the hurt flash through Carrie’s face, but she couldn’t do anything about it, she was dismayed to feel the sting of tears on her cheeks.
“Oh, honey. Everything will be fine. No one can blame you for being apprehensive about people.”
“But I know you’re not going to hurt me, Carrie. Why can’t everything just get back to normal?”
“You’ve only been home for a week. It’s going to take time and we are all here to support you.”
Stephanie’s face came to Meredith’s mind. She wondered who she had to support her. From what she could gather, she didn’t have many people in her life.
They finished clearing up the kitchen and went back into the lounge where Harold was regaling Holly with tales of his early days at a car advertising firm. The evening continued pleasantly. Meredith looked between her parents and her friends, a warmth spreading through her body. It comforted her, and she knew she was safe.
Sometime later she was tucked up in bed, her laptop opened on her crossed legs. Her parents had retired to their room an hour earlier and Meredith had taken that time to relax in her own company. She had put it off for the last sixty minutes, but her curiosity finally got to her and she checked her email account. And there it was, an email from Stephanie.
Meredith, I’m pleased your parents arrived safely and you have their and Carrie’s support. I find myself thinking of you quite often through the day and hoping that you are okay. I went back to work today as I couldn’t stand being in the flat doing nothing. I’ve always been a doer. Joe still doesn’t believe that I’m okay, but I was only gone a few weeks, you were there for months! I can see why this is hard for you, and I just wish there was something I could do to help you. I feel kind of useless. I’m going to have to end here as I’ve had quite a few beers and I’m afraid I may say something way too soppy and ridiculous. I hope everything goes okay with your counsellor and you find a way to deal with everything. Oh, and I also received a phone call from the police today. It looks like we’ll be going to trial. I hope this news doesn’t upset you too much.
Stephanie.
It was hard to decipher her words. She may have said she was okay with everything, but even with her medical history, she must be feeling something about what had happened. She may have only been there for a month, but that was a month of rape, torture, and starvation to name but a few. Meredith was with her during those long interminable hours, lying on that filthy mattress, talking about their lives. Stephanie might think she couldn’t feel empathy, but Meredith knew she had shown it numerous times in that hellhole and in the emails she had sent. She knew there was a caring side to Stephanie and she wasn’t going to let her hide from those feelings. She deserved to be looked after and cared for just as much as herself, and Meredith was going to see to that. Clearly, Joe cared about her, so she had at least one person in her corner. Now Stephanie had two.
Meredith closed her laptop without replying. She wanted time to think about what she was going to say and the right way to say it. She would sleep on it and, when she was refreshed in the morning, she would email her back.
Just as she closed her eyes it crossed her mind that she hadn’t heard from Kathleen all day and hoped she had arrived in London safely. She grabbed her mobile phone on the bedside table, shot off a quick text saying that she missed her, and hoped she was safe. Only part of the text was true. She realised she hadn’t missed her at all.
Chapter Ten
It was ten o’clock in the morning and Meredith sat at the kitche
n table cogitating what to email Stephanie. Her parents had gone out for a few hours to do some shopping, and she was glad for the peace and quiet. She had enjoyed the evening with her friends and family, but she was exhausted. She was still underweight and fatigue set in easily. She was about to begin typing when she heard keys in the door and a few seconds later Kathleen came through. Her eyes darted about the room and then settled on Meredith. Meredith gasped at the sight before her. In all their time together, she didn’t think she had ever seen Kathleen look so rough. Her hair was unkempt, and she had dark circles underneath her normally flawless eyes. Kathleen came fully into the kitchen but refused to meet her questioning gaze.
“Meredith, we need to talk.”
“Come into the lounge and sit down. Can I get you a drink?”
“No, thank you, I’m fine.”
Kathleen chose to sit in the armchair and Meredith wondered if this was an attempt to subconsciously distance herself. After she sat on the sofa Kathleen hesitantly looked at her.
“I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you need to know what I have done.”
Meredith didn’t say anything. She crossed one leg over the other and folded her hands in her lap, waiting for her to continue.
“I didn’t go to London this weekend, I lied. I met a woman in a bar and we slept together last night.”
“Oh.” Meredith was unsure what to say. She knew they were having problems and that Kathleen was struggling with things, but she never thought in a million years Kathleen would cheat on her. “Tell me what's going on, Kath? I know you’re struggling with everything that happened. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“You’ve been through absolute hell, and I felt like a coward for not being able to help you. Just the thought of the things he did to you drives me crazy. I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with this, Meredith, and we are not the same people any more. It’s a callous thing to say, but you’ve changed, and I’m not the same person I was eight months ago either.”
After Dark Page 6
