Meredith sat quietly, digesting all that Kathleen had said. She couldn’t argue against the logic. They had changed, but Meredith had every right to change, she had been a victim of horrid abuse, and it wasn’t something she was likely to get over any time soon.
“I know things have been a bit difficult for you, but it hasn’t exactly been a picnic for me either. I'm sorry that I didn’t come home and just magically fall back into the person I was. You have to understand the things I went through aren’t something you just get over.”
“Don’t you think I know that? That’s why I didn’t say anything. I know you’re facing a lot of demons and I knew my feelings didn’t even compare to yours—”
“So, you thought you would just go fuck someone else?”
“It wasn’t like that, Meredith. I met her earlier in the week and we got along well. It was nice to feel normal again, and not have to worry about kidnappers and rapists.”
“Well, I’m glad you had a chance to escape for a while. I only wish I could afford myself the same luxury.” Meredith rose from the sofa and headed toward the front door. “Get out. I can’t believe after all of this time together you could do this.”
Kathleen stood and met her at the threshold.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I do love you, but maybe it is best if we just had a break for a while.”
“I’m not sure I can forgive you for this. I need some time. I need to deal with West first.”
“I understand, but would it be okay if we kept in touch?”
“We’ll see.”
Meredith closed the door and went back to her laptop. Without thinking of what she was doing, she opened the email program and started to type.
Steph, I have been trying to find the right words to tell you how special you have become to me, but I truly have no idea where to start. I know you said you were doing okay, I really do hope that’s true, but you need to know that I’m here if you ever want to talk.
I’m going to be a little bit selfish here and use you as a sounding board. Kathleen has just left after coming here to tell me that she slept with someone else last night. I could talk to Carrie about this, but I know what she would say, I don’t think I could deal with her anger right now. And besides, it feels right talking to you, I feel close to you. Kathleen said she was finding it difficult to deal with her feelings about what had happened to me and she needed to escape for a while. We never particularly had a close relationship, but it has always been monogamous. I know I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now, but she could have talked to me, we could have sorted this out. I can deal with the fact that she needed space, I would probably be the same, but to cheat on me? After the hell I’ve been through? It’s just wrong. We’re taking a break for a while, but I’m not sure if I will want her back or if she even wants to come back. She said the experience has changed me, I guess that’s true. I’m still essentially the same person, my core values haven’t changed, but I’m not as trusting or as open as I once was. I can’t believe she just expected me to be normal after just two weeks of being home. I can’t help the way I feel. We didn’t ask for this, is it so hard for her just to try and give me time?
She sent the email and let out a breath. She didn’t mean to get into everything about Kathleen, but she needed to talk to someone, to vent. She could have waited to speak to her parents, but being honest with herself, she wanted to speak to Stephanie.
She was about to close the lid when her computer dinged with an incoming email.
I can’t believe she's done this to you! She’s supposed to be your partner and support you through the good and the bad. I seriously want to come down there and shake her to make her realise what a callous thing she’s done to you. I know you don’t need my anger or my sympathies, but I am sending you a giant virtual hug. You are safe with me, Meredith, you can talk to me at any time. I’m going to give you my phone number which you can use whenever you like. If you are uncomfortable talking on the phone you can text me. I want you to feel you can get in contact with me at any time, and you can, Meredith, any time.
She didn’t realise she was crying until a few drops of tears fell onto her keyboard. She wiped them away and sent a simple reply saying thank you. Her parents came through the door at that point and she scrubbed her hands over her face, gathering herself together. She hoped her parents didn’t realise she’d been upset, she didn’t want to deal with explaining Kathleen’s betrayal just yet. She needed to figure these things out in her own mind first. And figure out the strange pull she felt toward Stephanie. She didn’t understand it; however, she did know that she could feel the warmth of Stephanie’s arms around her. It felt nice.
†
Sunday evening found Stephanie sitting at the bar of Hamilton’s, a sports bar located around the corner from Joe's gallery, and it was their favourite place to unwind. The atmosphere was enjoyable, and even during football games, the crowd never got too rowdy. She sipped her beer, the cool liquid coating her dry throat. She was still reeling from Meredith’s email that morning, and the revelation that Kathleen had cheated on her. Stephanie’s anger had always been the emotion she identified with most, and the fire in her belly now, and her trembling hands, paid testament to how furious she was.
“If Fiona went missing and what happened to me happened to her, what would you do?” she asked Joe. His face paled and she regretted the horrible images she had most likely put in his head. “Sorry, Joe. That was a stupid thing to say.”
“No, it's okay. I just wasn’t expecting it.”
He took a gulp from his drink and she could see him giving serious thought to the question. He swivelled on his stool and faced her.
“I’m not sure how to answer that. I do know I would probably kill the bastard who took her. Aside from that, I don’t know.”
“I’ve been talking to Meredith, the woman who was in the room with me, and her partner cheated on her last night. She said she couldn’t cope with the horrors Meredith had gone through.”
“That sucks. I love Fiona and if she could never sleep with me again because of the shit that happened to her, I wouldn’t care. She’s my wife and there is more to a relationship than sex. I would like to think our relationship is built on more than just the physical.”
Stephanie nodded. That was how she felt too. Surely the emotional connection was better than a sexual one. Not that she had any experience with long-term relationships, hell, she didn't even have any experience with a short-term one. She supposed she should be envious of people who had managed to find happiness with others, but as it was something she had never experienced for herself, she couldn't comment.
She was just about to reply to Joe when she caught sight of the television, mounted high above the bar on the back wall. The twenty-four-hour news channel was on and the scrolling reel along the bottom of the screen read: “Local man charged with nine counts of kidnap and four counts of murder.” Stephanie gasped and nudged Joe on the shoulder.
“Jesus, Steph! You’ve made me spill my beer.”
“It’s him.” She pointed to the picture that flashed on the screen behind the newsreader. He looked like any other normal-looking man. Close-cropped brown hair, brown eyes, five o’clock shadow. A birthmark, roughly the size of a strawberry, graced the man’s neck and was the only distinguishable feature about him. “He looks so ordinary.”
Joe placed his hand on her forearm and squeezed gently. “Are you okay?”
She noted the concern in his eyes and felt blessed she had him in her life.
“I’m fine, Joe. It’s good to finally put a face to the monster that hurt Meredith and all those women.”
“He hurt you too, Steph,” Joe said carefully.
“I know that! I just meant...” She shook her head, not sure why she couldn't relate her own experience with Jameson West to that of the others.
“I need to make a call.”
She left the pub through the back door and took huge gulp
s of the evening air. The smell of the day’s rubbish filled her nostrils as she leaned up against the wall. She opened her contact list on her phone, glad she had all her numbers backed up to the Cloud and scrolled down until she found the number she was looking for. A husky voice answered.
“Hey, Claire, it’s Steph,”
“I wondered when you were going to call. It's been a while.”
She thought back to the last time she had seen Claire. It was over eight months ago when they had hooked up in the back room of a club. She had been aroused at the sight of Claire’s lithe body, swaying on the dance floor to the pulsing beat, wearing a skimpy little red dress. They had known each other for three years now and Claire took great delight in teasing her every time they met up for drinks. They were friends with benefits, but most of the time, Stephanie didn’t much enjoy the benefits. Tonight, though, she needed a distraction from the thoughts that plagued her of how inadequate and abnormal she felt in her own life.
“Sorry, Claire, but I've been crazy busy.” She supposed she should tell her about the kidnapping, but honestly, it was the last thing she wanted to talk about. “I was hoping we could meet up, if you're up for it.”
Claire chuckled down the line, her laugh deep and gravelly.
“Sure, babe. You know where I am.”
Stephanie hung up and headed back into the bar. She said her goodbyes to Joe, feigning a headache, and was out the door. The guilt of lying to Joe tugged at her, but sometimes, escaping was the only way she could deal with her lack of coping skills.
Chapter Eleven
Stephanie was upstairs in her flat getting ready for bed. It was Thursday night and she and Joe had gone through a long, hard day at work. It had been unusually busy, but Joe welcomed the business. She grabbed a towel on her way out of her minuscule bathroom and vigorously rubbed it over her hair as she walked into her bedroom. She threw the towel on the floor, and as she began to step into her sleep shorts, her mobile phone rang. She didn’t recognise the number but considering it was nearly ten o’clock at night, she thought it might be something important.
“Hello?” There was silence on the other end for a few moments and her heart rate kicked up a beat, thinking that somehow Jameson West had gotten her number. Her relief was palpable when Meredith’s voice came down the line.
“Hi, Stephanie. It’s me, Meredith.”
She sat on her bed, bewildered. She hadn’t thought Meredith would use her phone number, preferring to email back and forth, but Stephanie was glad she had.
“Hi, Mare. Is everything okay? Not that I mind you calling me, it’s just it’s late and you haven’t phoned before.” Stephanie could hear Meredith’s ragged breathing coming down the line, something was wrong.
“I’m sorry, it’s late, I should let you sleep.”
Stephanie rushed in to stop Meredith from disconnecting. “It’s fine. Talk to me.”
“I guess I’m just feeling a little out of sorts tonight. The counsellor gave me some good exercises to do, to help with my anxiety and things, but I don’t know, I guess I’m just afraid.”
“Are your parents still there?”
“Yes. They’ve turned in for the night, but it’s not them I wanted to speak to. It’s hard for me to tell them how I’m feeling. I know they would understand and sympathise and help me, but it’s not the same. They weren’t there. I don’t want to have to explain everything in detail to make them understand.”
Stephanie could sense her panic. It tore her up to know that Meredith was struggling so much.
“I know this is difficult for you, but don’t forget you’ve only had one session with your counsellor, it’ll just take time. I do know how you feel, Meredith. I feel the same way with Joe, except he is expecting me to break down at any minute and turn into a blubbering mess. He knows how I am, and it’s just not going to happen.” She shifted up the bed and rested her back on the headboard. “I saw Jameson West’s face on the news the other day and I felt nothing for myself. Joe was shocked that I was so angry over what he had done to you and the others but had no concern for myself. I guess he thinks that I’m suppressing it, perhaps he’s right.”
“Stephanie, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. Maybe that doctor was right, and on some level, you close yourself off to feeling anything that can hurt you. That’s something only you can answer, and if it’s something you want to explore, I’ll help if I can.”
“After I saw him on the news, I phoned an old friend. We had sex.” She waited for Meredith’s reply, but all she heard was silence on the other end. “See, that's weird, right? I just spent five weeks being abused and tortured and I have absolutely no problem with going out and having sex with a woman just for the fun of it. Except it wasn’t fun, I just felt empty, just as empty as I did with West.”
“Perhaps that proves my point. Look, we all deal with grief in different ways. I think losing your mother affected you more than you think. I hate to see you going through all this and I’m concerned that one of these days you’ll have a breakdown and it will all come out at once.”
Stephanie listened to Meredith's words, thinking perhaps she might be right, and maybe she should see her own therapist. She also noticed Meredith hadn’t commented that Stephanie had chosen to have sex with a woman. It wasn’t the first time Stephanie had been with Claire, and she had told Meredith before that she slept with men and women. The confession obviously didn’t faze her. She idly wondered if she had chosen a woman because of West.
“I don’t know, Mare. Anyway, don’t worry, it’s something I will have to figure out. You didn’t call me to talk about me so let’s get back to you.”
“Actually, you’ve helped me take my mind off things for a while. It’s nice to hear your voice again, I just wish we hadn’t met under such awful circumstances. I think we could have been great friends.”
“That can still happen. Just because we met in a horrific way doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.” Stephanie was sure what she was about to propose was going to sound weird, but she didn’t care, she needed this to happen. “It’s my birthday in a few weeks, I’m going to be turning thirty. Apart from having drinks with Joe, I’m completely free. How about if I came down and visited you?”
“Do you think that’s a little strange?”
“No, I don’t. I’m not sure about you, but something happened to me in that room, and I feel connected to you. I know it was probably the stress of being there, but I can’t help but want to get to know you better. I find myself worrying about you and wanting to know if you’re okay. I know this is probably a bad idea, and seeing me might bring back flashbacks or whatever, but I need to see you, Meredith.”
She was greeted by silence again. She feared she had gone too far, said too much, but she couldn’t make herself take back the words. She did need to see Meredith. Stephanie had always been content with her life, and her lack of emotions never really bothered her before. Since meeting Meredith, and going through what they had together, she now found her lack of feelings troubling. Only when she thought of Meredith did she feel anything other than empty. Meredith somehow had opened something in her and she needed to find out what that was and why it was Meredith who had done this. She also needed to make sure Meredith was okay. She obviously wasn't coping with everything very well, and Stephanie hoped she could somehow help her.
“I'm not sure that’s an entirely good idea,” Meredith finally said, “but I find myself wanting to see you, too. If you’re sure, I would be happy to celebrate your birthday with you.”
Relief spread through Stephanie’s body and she sank back into her bed, relaxing her muscles. She didn’t realise how tense she had been waiting for her answer.
“I'm sure. Thanks, Mare.”
“No, thank you. I’m glad I called. I’ll leave you to the rest of your evening. I’ll speak to you soon.”
They said their goodnights and Stephanie finished drying her hair, thinking about the prospect of seeing Meredi
th again.
†
It had been just over a week since Meredith had spoken to Stephanie on the phone. They had emailed a few times since then, mainly checking in with each other, making sure they were okay. She continued to see a counsellor every few days, and she found it was helping her to cope with everything. Kathleen had texted her a couple of times, asking if she was okay, and each time Meredith replied with a simple, “Yes, I'm okay.” She still hadn’t examined her feelings for Kathleen, not properly anyway. She could admit she still loved her, but she knew she was not in love with her. At some point they would have to sit down together and have a proper talk about it all, but for now, Meredith wanted to concentrate on getting back to normal.
Larry had been by to see her at the beginning of the week to discuss some business matters, and Meredith found herself wanting to go back to work. She knew she wouldn’t cope doing her usual sixty-hour week, but she hoped to at least go in on a part-time basis. With her counsellor’s help, and her parents,’ she had managed to leave her apartment on a few occasions. She didn’t go anywhere major, just to the local shop and to her counsellor’s office. It was baby steps, but she was proud that she was improving.
She looked up from the local newspaper she was reading as her dad came into the lounge.
“Hey, Dad. Is Mum not back from the shops yet?”
“Not yet, honey. You know what she’s like when she’s let loose, always distracted by the shiny things.”
Meredith laughed at her dad’s characterisation of her mother. It was true that her mum liked to shop. She could be gone for hours looking at nothing in particular. It drove them both mad when they went with her. Meredith could understand why her dad never went often.
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