“So, you don’t get lost and can always find your way.” The words were whispered and filled with sincerity.
Stephanie had never received anything as thoughtful and special as this was. Her eyes filled with tears, and after rubbing them away, she said, “Thank you.” She moved in to hug her.
Meredith came toward her, and as Stephanie leaned in to kiss her cheek, Meredith moved her head in the same direction, and she inadvertently kissed Stephanie on the lips. Her eyes went wide at the feel of Meredith’s lips against her own. She sprang back into the sofa. She sat there blinking rapidly, stunned at the adrenaline that was running through her body.
Meredith recovered first and stood. She ran a hand through her hair and went into the kitchen. A few moments later she came back through to the lounge holding a bottle of wine in one hand, two glasses in the other, and what looked like way too many restaurant menus held against her side with her elbow.
“I was going to cook you something to celebrate you turning thirty, but I realised I had no idea what it is you like to eat.”
Stephanie was glad the confusing moment was swept away. It was likely that Meredith didn’t feel anything from that split-second of contact, but for Stephanie, her whole world had just been blown apart. She had never felt anything like the connection she had felt from Meredith’s lips on her own.
Meredith settled the glasses and the wine on the coffee table in front of them and handed her the stack of menus.
“I thought maybe we could just order something and that way you will not have to be subjected to my awful cooking. We can sit and catch up while waiting for the food to arrive.” She handed her a glass of wine. “You do like wine, don't you?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Of course, if you are too tired, we can always call it a night and catch up tomorrow.”
“No, I'm fine. It’s still early and I’m starving.”
To be totally honest with herself, she could have done with a nap when she had arrived, but her adrenaline was still coursing through her veins. She didn’t think she would be able to sleep for hours yet, and a few glasses of wine were exactly what was needed to clear her head.
†
So far, the evening had been a pleasant one, and Meredith found Stephanie to be an engaging company. They had just finished clearing up the remnants of their Indian curry and were sitting together on the sofa finishing off the second bottle of wine Meredith had purchased earlier that day. She enjoyed the light buzz that was running through her body from the alcohol. She had been nervous about Stephanie’s visit all day, but sitting here now, talking about her work, she felt relaxed. In the back of her mind, she could not help but think of the moment earlier when Stephanie had opened her birthday present. She had wanted to buy her a gift but was not sure what would be appropriate for someone who was only just becoming your friend.
She had seen the necklace a few days earlier as she passed by the jewellery shop near her office. The compass caught her eye instantly. She deviated from her journey home and pushing her anxiety away at entering an unfamiliar property, she went into the shop and asked to see the necklace. It was beautiful. She knew it was the perfect gift. Stephanie had expressed to her before that she felt lost in her own life, with no direction as to where she was headed, floundering in her emotions, and Meredith hoped this small gesture would bring her at least a modicum of comfort.
She also remembered the brush of Stephanie’s lips against her own. It had been by accident that Meredith had turned toward her. When their lips met, she felt sucker punched. Never in all her time with Kathleen had she felt the instant rush of arousal the tiny kiss from Stephanie brought her. She was shocked her body even knew how to respond to physical intimacy, or even that arousal could be something in her future. She could hardly tolerate Kathleen touching her and even hugs from her parents still felt uncomfortable. She didn’t want to examine why Stephanie had the power to breach her insecurities and scale her walls.
She shook her head when she realized Stephanie had asked her a question that she missed completely. Her cheeks grew hot and she felt the blush work its way up her skin.
“Sorry, what?”
“I said, how is everything going with your counsellor?”
“She has been wonderful and helped me a lot. I find I can keep control of my panic attacks by using the exercises she has given me. I am getting better at going outside, and hopefully tomorrow I can show you a little bit of where I live.”
“That would be great.”
They grew silent, each seemingly lost in her own thoughts. Stephanie turned her head to the side, studying her face. Meredith felt her blush returning.
“What is it?” she asked softly.
“Nothing. Just admiring how well you have healed physically. You look really good, Meredith.”
Meredith briefly closed her eyes, letting Stephanie’s deep voice coat her insides. She studied Stephanie’s face, which was inches from her own. She gently traced her finger over the scar on her forehead, remembering the first day they had met in that room, the blood that had coated her face, and Stephanie’s confusion over what was happening and where she was. Meredith was momentarily lost back in that moment. She shook her head, clearing the images from her mind. She traced the scar again and allowed her hand to rest against Stephanie’s cheek. The scar was not as angry-looking as the last time she had seen it in the hospital. It had faded to a pink line, but it did nothing to detract from her handsomeness. Her green eyes shone with the effects of the wine and she looked truly relaxed.
Meredith felt her pulse quicken.
“You’re not doing too badly yourself,” she heard herself say.
Her hand continued its journey down Stephanie’s neck and stopped on the compass that she now wore. Stephanie’s hand came up and held Meredith’s own against her throat, trapping the compass underneath it.
“Thank you, Meredith. It seems stupid to say, but I am glad you were there with me. I’m not sure how I would have made it through without you. And how you made it for months, I will never know.”
Stephanie’s hand was warm against her own and Meredith marvelled at the heartbeat she could feel pulsing underneath her fingertips, so full of life. She didn’t know what was happening, but she felt the tug of connection. She couldn’t explain it and she felt no need to examine the feelings that were running rampant through her body. She just enjoyed the moment, her time with Stephanie was the most relaxing and nerve-wracking she could recall spending with anyone before. She did not want the night to end, and that thought alone was reason enough to go to bed now.
Instead she said, “You have no idea how happy I am we got out of there alive. I can't believe we have to go to court and face that asshole, and I hope he doesn’t get away with what he did to us.”
“He won’t, I promise.”
She closed her eyes, praying Stephanie was right. There was no way she would cope if he got away with his crimes. It was all good and well, moving on with your life when you knew your tormenter was locked up, it was quite another to have them walking around, living life free, looking for other victims, thinking he was invincible.
Meredith shivered at the thought.
“You okay?” Stephanie asked, moving her hand to Meredith’s and entwining their fingers.
“Yes. Just thinking about West.”
“Don’t,” Stephanie said as she held her hand tighter. “Please do not give that bastard another thought until we have to. The court case will come soon enough.”
Meredith could see the anguish on Stephanie's face and hated herself for putting the anger in her at the mention of his name. She shifted closer, and without giving it a thought, she rested her head on her shoulder, comforted when Stephanie's arm came around her and pulled her closer. It felt good to be this close to her again as if her world righted itself just being in her arms.
“Let’s not talk about him,” she said. “This weekend is about celebrating your birthday and getting to know e
ach other.”
Stephanie didn’t answer, she just hugged her tighter.
†
Stephanie wasn’t sure what had awakened her. She pressed the illumination button on her watch and saw it had just gone two o’clock in the morning. She rolled over onto her back, her eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room. She strained her ears, listening to the unfamiliar sounds of the house settling. A blood-curdling scream boomed through the walls, and Stephanie threw off her duvet, sprang from the bed, and rushed out the bedroom door. The scream came again, and without giving it a thought, she barged into Meredith’s bedroom.
Meredith was on her back thrashing around, gripped in an apparent nightmare. Her duvet was on the floor and her pillows were strewn about. Stephanie came closer and called her name, trying to wake her. Stephanie’s blood pumped hard through her veins, her panic rising. God only knew the horror Meredith was reliving.
She needed to get her out of there.
She sat on the bed, mindful of Meredith’s swinging arms, and said her name again. She still didn’t wake. Stephanie didn’t want to hold Meredith down for fear she might think there was an intruder in the apartment or make the nightmare worse.
She glanced around the room and saw a half-full glass of water on the bedside table. Feeling guilty of what she was about to do, she picked it up and tipped it over Meredith’s face, the effect was instant.
Meredith woke with a start, she sat bolt upright, her frightened gaze frantically searching around the room. They finally settled on Stephanie, who sat next to her.
“Stephanie?” Her voice was ragged as she struggled to catch her breath.
“It’s okay, you were having a nightmare.” Stephanie held one of her hands and gently rubbed her back, trying to calm her.
After a few minutes, Meredith’s breathing returned to normal and she scrubbed a hand over her face.
“Jesus, I haven’t had a dream that bad in weeks.”
Stephanie could see the tremors still running through Meredith’s body and she feared it may have been her own arrival today, and the talk they had about West earlier, that had brought on the nightmare.
“I think maybe Joe was right. He said that if we saw each other again we could possibly trigger flashbacks.” She shook her head, angry with herself for causing Meredith’s fear. “I am so sorry. I was so selfish coming here without thinking what this could do to you psychologically.” A small tear escaped her eye and she felt Meredith shift on the bed. Her cool fingers wiped away a tear as she settled her hand on Stephanie’s cheek.
“Oh, honey. This was not you. I have been having nightmares on and off since I have been home. You being here didn’t cause this. And I wanted you here just as much as you wanted to be here. Please don’t blame yourself.”
Stephanie appreciated the words, but she still felt responsible. Deciding there was nothing she could do about any of this now, she stood from the bed and folded her arms across her chest.
“You might want to get changed. I could only wake you by throwing water on you.”
Meredith looked down at herself as if only now realising she was wet. Stephanie’s eyes followed her movements and in the dim light she could see the protrusions of Meredith’s nipples pushing against the fabric of the pale-yellow tank top she wore. As she glanced back up into Meredith's face, she was dismayed to see Meredith staring at her intently. And now she really hated herself. Not only had she caused Meredith to have a horrible nightmare, but she was also now leering at her and had been caught in the process.
“Sorry. I’ll just leave you to change.” She left as quickly as her feet, and shame could carry her.
She flopped face first onto her own bed and groaned into the pillow. She was in danger of alienating Meredith, the one person she felt a strong connection with, aside from Joe, and the only person to bring out any kind of feelings in her. The last thing Meredith needed right now was Stephanie acting like a horny teenager around her. She couldn’t help herself, though. Meredith was a beautiful woman, and for the first time in her life, Stephanie was attracted to someone physically and emotionally. She had always thought she was faulty. She could appreciate a good-looking guy or a pretty woman, but she never felt any stirrings of arousal. She’d slept with people plenty of times, but usually when drunk or purely just for the release of the energy which built up within her over time. She never felt any attachment to the people she had sex with and she was okay with that. She just assumed her lack of feelings toward people meant she would never feel the intensely deep passion other people felt. But being with Meredith was changing all that. They had grown close whilst trapped in that room, and with every email sent between them Stephanie became more connected to her.
She needed to talk to Fiona. She couldn't deal with this on her own and no way in hell was she going to mention her growing feelings to Meredith. It was likely this was all due to the trauma they had experienced together. She needed to get her raging emotions back under control. Just because Meredith was the one to bring these feelings to the surface didn’t mean she was the one they should be directed toward.
With a plan settled in her mind, she decided to go back to sleep. She was about to settle under her duvet when there was a quiet knock on her door. She went to the door and opened it.
“Hi,” Meredith said, shyly looking at the floor.
“Hi.”
Meredith had changed into a dry tank top and shorts and Stephanie could not help but notice the dark circles that ringed her eyes, even in the wan light.
“This is going to sound really weird, but I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I was kind of hoping I could stay with you.”
Meredith's nervousness was not hard to miss, Stephanie thought the blush tingeing her cheeks was endearing. She shook her head at her thoughts, stepped back from the door, and motioned her inside with a tilt of her head. This was a bad idea, but she couldn’t turn her away.
“Of course, that’s fine.”
Meredith brushed passed her and went around to the other side of the bed. Without looking at Stephanie she climbed in and settled on her left side, facing the wall. Stephanie shut the door and joined her on the mattress. Being this close to Meredith was nothing new. They had spent a lot of time sharing the same space, but in filthier conditions. Sleeping next to Meredith should be easy.
It was not.
She could feel the heat of Meredith’s skin radiating between the few inches of space that separated them, and her sweet scent tickled Stephanie’s nostrils. This was a different kind of torture, being here like this, but one she found she didn’t mind.
“Thanks for this, Steph,” Meredith whispered as she turned over and faced her.
Stephanie’s pulse quickened when she felt Meredith rest her head on her shoulder and laid her arm across her waist. Involuntarily, her own hand settled on her arm, holding her in place. She could feel Meredith’s breath flutter against her neck, becoming deeper as she relaxed into sleep. She hoped she herself would fall asleep just as quickly; however, lying here holding Meredith in her arms, Stephanie doubted that would happen.
Chapter Fourteen
Meredith placed a cup of coffee in front of Stephanie where she sat at the dining table. She grabbed a plate of toast and butter from the worktop and settled down next to her. They had been awake for an hour now, but neither one had mentioned the nightmare from last night or waking up this morning tangled in each other. She hated to think what Stephanie thought of her for suggesting they sleep together, but she didn’t care if she looked needy or clingy. Her nightmare had shaken her and only the closeness of Stephanie was going to put her at ease.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night,” she said tentatively. She set about fixing her coffee the way she liked it, waiting for a response from Stephanie. Her unease was palpable, and she struggled not to squirm in her seat.
“It’s fine, I’m glad you were able to have a few hours of peace.”
She watched as Stephanie sipped her own co
ffee, but still avoided eye contact. She wanted to press her further, to make sure that she was okay, but she knew she was never one to talk about her feelings. Stephanie may think she didn’t have the capacity to feel, but Meredith knew better, and one day soon they would have to talk about this.
“So, have you heard from Kathleen recently?”
The non-sequitur threw Meredith for a moment, that was the last thing she expected to be asked. She had supposed Kathleen would come up at some point during Stephanie’s visit, just not right this minute. She took a bite of toast to delay answering while she gathered her thoughts.
“She’s texted me a few times over the last few weeks, but I’ve only given her a general ‘yes, I’m okay’ reply.”
“What do you think you will do? I mean, you still love each other, right?”
Meredith looked at Stephanie properly for the first time that morning. She looked uncomfortable, fidgeting in her chair, and still avoiding eye contact. Meredith was an intelligent woman, and she liked to think she was a good judge of character and right now, she knew Stephanie was hiding something, or at the very least searching for information. She was acting differently from the way she always had in the past. Even when they were captured together her face was always open and engaging. The way she sat here now, nervous and clearly anxious, prickled Meredith’s senses.
“I’m not really sure how to answer that. Yes, I do love her, but I don't think I’m in love with her anymore. Moreover, I’m not sure I ever was, not fully.”
Meredith was transfixed by the sudden change of Stephanie’s demeanour. In an instant, her body calmed and all the tension that was radiating off her a moment ago was absent. And for the first time that day, she looked at Meredith with eyes bright and a wide smile firmly in place.
After Dark Page 9
