“Steph, I’m not sure what's going on with me at the moment, but what I do know is I’m not ready for any kind of relationship right now. I don’t want anybody to get hurt.” Meredith couldn’t explain her reaction to Stephanie. She had the worrying sensation she was attracted to her; however, even if she was, she was not in the position to act on those feelings. It was true what she said, she didn’t want to hurt anybody, especially Stephanie. She needed to sort things out with Kathleen and figure out her growing attraction to Stephanie.
“I just want you to be happy, Meredith. I can’t believe she would be with somebody else and hurt you like that after what you went through.” Stephanie stood and took her mug and plate to the sink. She turned around and leaned back against the worktop, stuffing her hands into her jeans pocket and flicking her hair out of her eyes.
Meredith couldn’t help but think how attractive she was standing there, tall and lean with a good amount of sexiness.
“It’s hard for me to explain how I feel,” Stephanie continued. “All I know is I would do anything to take your pain away. It kills me to think what he did to you and for Kathleen to be so selfish. It’s unbearable.”
Meredith could see the anguish in her face and it warmed her to know how much she was cared for, but also, she hated how much her own problems upset Stephanie.
“Everything is going to be fine,” Meredith said as she stood from the table. She took her own things to the sink and then regarded Stephanie. “I’m going to be okay. I will keep seeing my counsellor and I will work things through with Kathleen. Please don't worry about me.”
“I can’t help it, Mare. I care about you. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
Meredith was at a loss. Never had anyone looked at her with so much adoration and deep longing. It was clear in her eyes how much she cared. Meredith was overcome with worry they each might be feeling an attraction toward the other that at best was unhealthy. She knew to form attachments to people in dire circumstances could happen and she feared this was happening now. She knew this, but still she did not stop herself from pulling Stephanie into her and hugging her tightly.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
They moved back from each and Stephanie searched her eyes, looking for something Meredith didn’t think she knew how to give anymore. She stepped back and cleared her throat.
“When you’re ready, I would really like to show you around Bristol.”
“Yes, I would enjoy that. Let me just go clean myself up and I’ll be ready.”
Meredith escaped to her own room, lost in her thoughts. They were heading for trouble, she knew, but she could not control this any more than she could control the earth’s rotation. She grabbed her rain mac from her wardrobe, glad summer was arriving, but wanting to be prepared in case it got too cold or rained and went to see what the day would bring.
†
“Did you say you wanted mushrooms?” Meredith asked Stephanie whilst covering the receiver with her hand.
“Please, if that's okay?”
Meredith relayed the order into the phone for the pizza parlour and then replaced it back on its stand. She settled on the couch at the opposite end from Stephanie and watched her sip her beer. They had enjoyed a nice day together and most of the tension from this morning was absent. Meredith was glad for that, she enjoyed her time with Stephanie and she didn’t want it marred by unanswerable questions.
Stephanie glanced at her and smiled, and she couldn’t help but smile back.
“Thank you, for today,” Stephanie said. “I enjoyed meeting Larry, he seems like a nice guy.”
Meredith had intended just to pop into the office to check everything was okay since she hadn’t been there for a few days. Larry had been working overtime and his presence surprised Meredith. She quickly recovered and introduced Stephanie as a friend and ushered her out of the office, not wanting to go into details.
“I’m glad you had a nice time. I’m sorry you couldn’t see the new shopping centre, but I really don’t think I could have handled all those people too well.”
Stephanie reached out and gently took her hand. “Please don't apologise. You have only been home a few weeks and you have made brilliant progress. Please don’t worry.”
Meredith was about to reply, but a key turning the lock in the front door interrupted her. She stood from the couch just as Kathleen came through the entryway. Meredith rushed around the couch, intercepting her before she came fully into the room.
“What are you doing here?” she asked aggressively. She watched as Kathleen’s gaze tracked around the room and landed on Stephanie, confusion soon giving way to recognition.
“What is going on? Why is she here?”
“That is none of your business. I ask again, why are you here?”
“I wanted to check on you because you haven’t been answering my texts.”
“I have answered them, just not in the way I would normally.” She raked her hand through her hair, pissed off at the interruption to her evening. “And besides, in case you have forgotten, you slept with someone else and I told you I needed time.”
“For God’s sake, Meredith! Can you really blame me for wanting to escape for a while? Every time I look at you my head is filled with images of what he did. I don’t think I can cope with seeing those visions every day.”
Meredith’s worst fears had just been vocalised by Kathleen. She knew her scars would be a turn-off for a lot of people, and she wouldn’t expect a new partner to be comfortable with them, but for her long-term partner to say these things was heart-breaking.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Stephanie asked. Meredith hadn't heard her move from the couch to stand behind her. “Meredith has just survived eight months of the worst hell imaginable and all you can think about is how she looks? She is a beautiful person, on the inside, not just the outside, and the fact that she has a few scars shouldn’t detract from that beauty.”
“This has nothing to do with you,” Kathleen seethed. “This is a private conversation between me and my partner.”
Meredith had heard enough, and she did not want an argument kicking off in her apartment. She turned to Stephanie. “Can you go wait in the kitchen, please?” She didn't miss the look of hurt that flashed across her face. After Stephanie left, she turned back to Kathleen.
“Kath, I can’t do this anymore. We’re over. And if you ask yourself honestly you will agree it was over before I was even taken.”
Kathleen sagged against the wall behind her and briefly closed her eyes. “I know, you’re right. But I don’t want you to hate me. I wish we could have worked things out, but I can’t deal with this, not now.”
Meredith struggled to contain the tears that were forming. Yes, she had known it was over between them for months, however, actually admitting that and following through with it was a whole different matter. She stepped forward and gave Kathleen a hug.
“I'm sorry. I suppose I should ask for my key back.”
Kathleen complied and, after handing it over, Meredith closed the door behind her and went in search of Stephanie. She found her pacing in a small circle in the kitchen, and Meredith couldn’t miss the anger that was coursing through her body. The tension was vibrating off her in waves and Meredith wanted to do anything she could to calm her.
“Stephanie?”
Stephanie glanced at her, but quickly looked away, continuing to wear a path in the floorboards. Meredith was dismayed to feel tears falling down her cheeks as she walked over to her.
“Steph, please.”
Stephanie stopped her pacing, and properly looking at her before Meredith could say any more Stephanie swept her up in a tight embrace.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered into Meredith’s hair. “I shouldn’t have butted in, but I couldn’t just sit there anymore and allow her to say those horrible things to you.”
“Thank you for standing up for me. You have no idea what it means to me to have you on my side.”
/> “Always.”
Meredith gazed up into Stephanie’s warm green eyes, and it was impossible not to notice the longing that was in them. She raised her hand and gently placed it onto Stephanie's cheek, marvelling at her soft skin.
“What’s happening here?”
Stephanie leaned into her touch and said, “I’m not sure, all I know is I don’t want to go home tomorrow.”
“Do you think maybe this is some kind of attachment disorder that has happened between us because of that place?”
“Possibly, but does it really matter? Can’t we just continue the way we are?”
“Of course, it matters. The last thing we both need is for something to happen between us and then for it to turn out to be false. I don’t want to hurt you any more than you have been in your life, and I’m worried that’s what will happen.” Meredith moved away from her and went to the sink, gazing out the window but not really seeing anything. “Why is it you think you are the only one I can bear touching me? Just being near you makes me feel safe.”
“Perhaps it’s because we were there together,” Stephanie said as she came to stand behind her, close but not touching.
Meredith shook her head. “No, I don’t think that’s it.” She turned around and searched her face. “You are a very special woman, Stephanie.” Without giving it a thought Meredith moved closer. She raised onto her tiptoes, gently kissing Stephanie on the lips. It was a quick kiss, only a couple of seconds long, however, it shook something loose in Meredith and she started to cry. Stephanie’s arms came around her, holding her close.
“It’s okay, Mare, we’ll figure this out together.”
Meredith hoped she was right, that they could work through this. She didn’t know how this would end or what she wanted, all she knew was being in Stephanie’s arms felt right. She felt safe and protected and she never wanted to let go.
†
Stephanie threw down her uneaten piece of pizza crust into the box that sat on the coffee table. Leaning back with a groan, she said, “I'm stuffed, that was delicious.” It had taken a while for her appetite to come back after being starved for so long, and she struggled to finish most meals. Meredith sat beside her, nursing a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, staring off into space. Stephanie regarded her quiet companion. They hadn’t really spoken much since the scene in the kitchen. Not long after that the pizza had arrived, and they set about collecting wine glasses, cutlery, and napkins. She could understand Meredith’s sombre mood, this was a confusing time for her as well. Being with Meredith felt right. She had enjoyed their day together and loved getting to know the place her friend called home. It had been a pleasant day until Kathleen had arrived. She was just as beautiful as Stephanie remembered and just as dismissive of Stephanie’s presence. She could not miss the look of revulsion on her face as Kathleen looked at Stephanie. But that was fine with Stephanie, she did not much like the woman herself. The way she had been treating Meredith since her return was abhorrent. Just because her partner may have changed physically did not mean she wasn’t the same person. Sure, Meredith had some emotional repercussions from her time in captivity, but she didn’t deserve to be cheated on. And to come to Meredith’s door and literally say she couldn’t even look at her was disgusting.
Stephanie could feel her anger bubbling up again the same way it had earlier. Meredith was such a sweet person and Stephanie could see how much she cared about people just from the glint in her eye when she spoke of her family and friends. Stephanie had no choice but to stand up to Kathleen, and if not for Meredith intercepting her, she gladly would have punched Kathleen in the face. Stephanie was not a violent person, but the woman deserved a good thump.
Meredith’s hand moved onto her thigh and gently rubbed back and forth. It was a soothing touch and it helped still her frustration.
“What’s the matter, Stephanie? I can feel your anger from here.”
She blinked a few times to clear her mind from the memories of earlier that evening. She considered Meredith’s compassionate eyes and she found herself speaking without reservation.
“How can anybody look at you and not see how wonderful you are? The things we went through there would be enough to destroy even the strongest of people, but we made it out. You were there for so long Meredith…” Her voice trailed off as she closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears that were forming. She shook her head. “You’re amazing. When I am with you, I feel things I never knew I could. You’d have to be a pretty special person for that to happen to me. It never has before.”
Meredith delicately placed a hand on her cheek. Her fingers were so soft on her skin and she never wanted her to move.
“Oh, honey. How is it possible you are still single? You went through some bad stuff too, and you’re sitting here telling me how strong I am? You are the strong one, you’re the one supporting me when I so clearly have struggled to readjust.”
“If I am strong it is because of you. You make me feel brave.” There was no doubt in Stephanie’s mind that she was attracted to Meredith. Every conversation, every email brought Meredith closer, and it wasn’t something she wanted to fight anymore. She knew Meredith was in a bad place, knew she would not be ready for anything to happen between them. Hell, she didn’t even know if Meredith felt the same, so she would wait, she would wait forever for Meredith.
“I need time, Steph,” Meredith said as if reading her mind. “Baby steps.”
“Baby steps,” Stephanie repeated.
Meredith moved away and stood. She gave herself a shake and began clearing away the detritus from the meal.
“Here, let me help.”
“No, stay put. I’ll do it.”
Stephanie closed her eyes and thought back to the other part of the evening, which had scared and thrilled her at the same time. When Meredith had unexpectedly kissed her on the lips, she had gone numb. She had no other words to describe it, just complete numbness. The taste of those sweet lips had paralysed her. She had never felt anything so totally out of this world and right in her life. Holding Meredith in her arms while she cried was the most painful thing in the world for Stephanie to endure. She hated to see the pain and knowing it was Meredith’s feelings for her that caused that pain tore her up.
Meredith came back into the lounge and Stephanie looked to where she stood with a hip resting against the arm of the chair. Meredith was gazing at her with an unreadable expression as if trying to figure out something which she had no answers for. Her eyes roamed from Stephanie’s face, down her body, and back up. Heat shot up Stephanie’s body and she gave a little gasp as the intensity of Meredith’s gaze ignited her flesh, sending goose bumps all over her skin. She doubted Meredith was intentionally trying to turn her on, but she had. She had never felt such arousal before and she looked away for fear of her own reactions alerting Meredith to the direction Stephanie’s thoughts had gone.
“Sweet Jesus,” Meredith whispered.
Stephanie mentally rolled her eyes. She was obviously not doing a very good job of hiding her feelings. After all the years of worrying she had no feelings at all, suddenly her feelings were telegraphed to the world
“I’m going to have a shower,” Meredith said, breaking the connection between them.
“Sure, okay.” Stephanie stood, stuffing her hands into her jeans pocket, her body tense. She held her breath as Meredith slowly walked toward her, not stopping until she was inches from her body. She looked up into Stephanie’s eyes and Stephanie could see the indecision there. She did nothing, just held her gaze, letting Meredith examine her, finding the answers she wanted.
“When do you have to leave tomorrow?” Meredith asked.
Stephanie let out her breath in a whoosh. “There’s a train at eleven or three.”
“Okay. If I take you to the station, we have until two thirty to do something.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’m going to go take that shower now.” Meredith nodded and took a step back from her, longing still in
her eyes. Two more steps back, then she turned and hurried to the bathroom.
Stephanie ran a hand through her hair. “Shit.” Things were becoming intense between them. They needed to get this under control. It was too soon after the West incident, and they still had the court case to deal with. She doubted Meredith was fully aware of what she was doing. Hell, even she didn't know what was happening between them, only that she wanted it to continue.
She went into her own room and readied herself for bed. The next conscious thought she had was the feeling of the bed dipping and Meredith’s warm body scooting in next to hers. Stephanie automatically opened her arms for her and cuddled her close.
“I hope this okay,” Meredith whispered.
Stephanie didn’t reply. She kissed her forehead and pulled her closer. She knew deep down they were heading for a giant mess, but she didn’t care. Being here with Meredith like this felt too right, too perfect. She closed her eyes, let out a breath, and slept.
†
Meredith pulled her car into one of the few spaces left at the train station at the drop-off point. She switched off the engine, but neither woman made a move to exit the car. Stephanie looked out the window at the people milling about. For a Sunday, the station was busy. She turned and smiled shyly at Meredith.
“I want to thank you for having me, but that just doesn’t seem like enough.”
Meredith blew out a breath and laced her fingers with Stephanie’s.
“Thank you for coming down. It has been a weekend of learning new things.”
Stephanie caught her eye and their gazes locked. She really did not want to leave. The thought of going back to York, and carrying on with her life without seeing Meredith, was not something she relished.
“I hope I haven’t made you uncomfortable this weekend. I didn’t plan for any of this.” She saw the blush work its way up Meredith's smooth skin and she smiled, thinking back to that morning. Stephanie had awakened in her arms and her thigh was wedged tightly between Meredith’s own limbs. She was aware of her laboured breathing and she could feel the heat between Meredith’s legs. She had looked up into her eyes and could see the arousal in them; however, more importantly, she could see the fear that was so plainly written on her face. Stephanie quickly moved away mumbling apologies, but Meredith had stopped her with a hand on her wrist. She whispered it was okay, just a shock.
After Dark Page 10
