Stephanie blew out a breath and Fiona released her. She supposed she should say sorry to Joe, for the sake of their friendship, but it would have to wait. She was too keyed up and angry to face him. She pulled Fiona into a tight hug and kissed her on the cheek.
“I love him too, and you. I don’t know what I would do without you both. I’ll speak to him in a few days once we have both calmed down.” Stephanie opened the door behind her, walked to the rental car she had hired yesterday, got in, and left.
It was coming up to eleven o’clock by the time she got home. She wanted to speak to Meredith, but it was too late at night. It would have to wait until tomorrow.
†
Meredith settled on her couch, swinging her legs up to occupy the full length of the two-seater. She grabbed her laptop off the floor, and after waiting for it to boot up, she connected to Skype. She clicked onto Stephanie’s handle and waited for her to answer. They hadn’t spoken at all yesterday and she felt something was wrong. They didn’t go a day without any form of contact between them, even if it was just a text message. Meredith had left a voicemail for her yesterday morning, but as of yet, Stephanie hadn’t replied. Before she had a chance for her worries to spiral out of control, Stephanie answered.
“Meredith? What time is it?”
Stephanie's image filled her screen and Meredith was shocked by what she saw. Stephanie had dark circles under her eyes and her normally gorgeous hair was lacklustre. Her skin was pale and her vibrant eyes dull.
“It’s about half two in the afternoon. Are you just getting up now?”
“Yes, I kind of had a rough night.”
Stephanie lifted her right hand and scrubbed it over her face, obviously in a vain effort to try and rouse herself. As she did this, Meredith couldn’t contain the gasp that came from her lips. She could clearly see Stephanie’s hand was heavily bruised and swollen.
“What the hell happened to your hand?”
Stephanie glanced down at the hand in question and shrugged her shoulders. “It’s nothing, I banged it up at work.”
“Don’t lie to me. In the few months I’ve known you, you have never once lied to me. Please don’t start now.”
Meredith could see the indecision. Something big must have happened for Stephanie not to trust her. After all the conversations they had shared, Meredith was certain Stephanie would always be honest with her.
“Really, it’s no big deal. I kind of got into a scuffle with Joe and I ended up breaking his nose.”
“What on earth could have happened for you two to get in a fight? He’s like your brother.”
Stephanie's face disappeared from her screen for a few seconds as she got out of bed. She came back into view when she sat on her small couch.
“Honestly, everything is fine. He said a few things I didn’t like, and I hit him. End of.”
“But you two have never had a falling out like that before. What the hell did he say to make you go off like that?”
Stephanie didn’t reply. Meredith came to the only conclusion that she could think of. She knew about Joe’s reservations regarding her and Stephanie becoming friends, and that could be the only thing that would have brought about trouble in their relationship.
“This is because of me, isn’t it?”
Stephanie took a deep breath and looked away from her phone. She whispered, “Yes.”
“Tell me what he said.”
“Look, you don’t need to know the details. This is between me and Joe. I’ll give him a call at some point and apologise and everything will be fine.”
Meredith set her laptop onto her coffee table and stood. She paced the living room, trying to calm herself. Her pulse quickened as she thought of all the things Joe could possibly have said to make Stephanie snap. She could hear Stephanie’s voice coming from her laptop, calling her name. She sat back onto the couch.
“I ask again, what did he say? I deserve to know.”
After waiting a few seconds Stephanie finally answered. “He just said the same things he’s been saying all along, that becoming friends isn’t a good idea for all the reasons that you already know.”
“It has to be more than that, tell me.”
“Basically, he said that my feelings aren’t real, that I just pity you. He also said I was desperate and would take on any hopeless case.”
A few tears escaped Meredith's eyes, rolling down her cheeks. She wiped them away angrily, refusing to give in to the hopelessness that was creeping back into her world.
“Meredith, please don’t cry. It kills me to see you crying. It’s not worth getting upset over. You’ve got enough on your plate without worrying about this. What he said isn’t true. You know I don’t think that way about you.”
“You know what? The reason I rang you today is that I think we need to talk.”
Meredith knew she was making a mistake with what she was about to do, but Stephanie had very limited people in her life, and Joe and his wife were her family. She needed to do this, no matter how much it would hurt.
“I’ve been thinking over the last few days, since you left here, that maybe we should take a break. We haven’t really had a chance to settle back into our own lives and I think everybody is right, seeing you and talking to you keeps bringing up everything that happened.” Even though Stephanie began crying, Meredith continued, “I think it’s for the best. I’m planning on going back to work in a week or two, full-time, and the court case is coming up. I need to make sure I’m strong for that. You need to work things out with Joe, he’s your family.”
She could see Stephanie shaking, and if it was possible, she turned even paler. This was the last thing Meredith wanted to do. Being with Stephanie the previous weekend, and all the times they had spoken, solidified in her mind that she wanted a relationship with Stephanie, or at least try to see if they could build one. But there was no way on earth she would allow Stephanie to lose the only people she cared about. And more, Meredith had been through a terrible ordeal and she felt hesitant about allowing someone into her life who would be capable of such violence, even if it was in defence of her. She needed to protect herself. She needed to keep her walls erected and not allow anyone to hurt her again. If Stephanie was capable of hitting her best friend, what would she do if she got angry with Meredith?
“Don’t do this,” Stephanie pleaded. “You don’t mean that. Please? Just take it back.”
“I’m sorry, Stephanie. I have to do what’s best for me and being around you isn’t it.”
Without giving her a chance to reply, Meredith shut the lid of the laptop with more force than she intended. She bent over and cradled her waist, head on her knees, and wept. She thought she had experienced excruciating pain before, locked up in that hellhole. But seeing the look of anguish in Stephanie’s eyes was unbearable. Meredith had intentionally hurt the one person who had ever made her feel safe.
Chapter Sixteen
It was close to eight thirty at night and Meredith was already on her third glass of wine. After she had finally calmed down, she ran a hot bath and attempted to block out the constant ringing of her phone and the beeping of her Skype alerts. In the end, she couldn't bear the noise any longer, and after drying her body off, she turned off her phone and shut down her laptop. She attempted to eat a sandwich but couldn’t even swallow the first bite. She decided wine would be easier to stomach.
As she reached for the bottle to top off her glass a sudden loud pounding came from her front door. She stood from the sofa and put on her silk robe. The pounding came again.
“Meredith? Meredith, open the door.”
The voice stopped her in her tracks. She ran her fingers through her hair and tried to calm the rising panic that was bubbling up within her. Her palms were sweating, her heart rate rising. She couldn’t shake the fear Stephanie might hurt her. She reached for the door handle but didn’t open it.
“What are you doing here, Steph?”
“Please let me in, I need to see you.�
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She could hear the panic and heartbreak and she refused to hurt Stephanie any more. Against her better judgement, she opened the door. What she saw terrified her. Stephanie’s eyes were wide with grief, the skin around them puffy. The desperation in her face was not hard to miss.
Before she could say anything, Stephanie stormed passed her straight into the living room. Meredith closed the door and followed her in.
“I left the minute your phone was switched off when I called and drove like a mad woman trying to get here. Why didn’t you answer your phone? I thought something had happened to you, that you might have done something stupid.”
“I told you we needed to take a break. That doesn’t mean I’m suicidal.”
“I know, I know. But I needed to speak with you, and when I couldn’t get hold of you my mind went into overdrive. You can’t just tell me that you don’t want to see me anymore just because of some stupid words that Joe said. That’s not fair to you or me. You know there’s something between us, you know you have feelings for me the same as I have feelings for you.”
Meredith sat down in her previous position and picked up her glass. She took a long swallow, then set the glass back on the table.
“Yes, I do have feelings for you and that’s why I did this. He’s your family and you need him. Not only that, I was worried for my safety. You scared me, Steph, knowing you could hit Joe.”
Stephanie sat beside her on the sofa and tentatively took her hand.
“Families are supposed to support each other, and even if they disagree with your decisions they should never be as cruel and disgusting as Joe was. I won’t have someone talking about you like that, you don’t deserve it.” She raised her other hand, the swelling in her fingers still clearly visible, and placed it on Meredith’s cheek, gently caressing the scar there. “And I also won’t allow you to push me away. You’re the first person to ever make me feel anything and I can’t let you go. Please, Meredith, don’t push me away. I didn’t mean to scare you. I promise you, I would never lay a finger on you. I have never hit anyone in my entire life. I just couldn’t stop myself when he said those horrible things about you.”
Meredith's heart broke at the vulnerability in Stephanie’s eyes. She relaxed her stiff body and let out a sigh. “Oh, sweetheart, you’re so brave. For someone who says she never has any feelings, you’re doing a good job of expressing them now. How could I ever let you go? I don’t know what’s going to happen, but the one thing I’m sure of is I need you in my life. In whatever capacity that may be.” Meredith pulled her into a hug and cradled her head whilst Stephanie cried.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever thought you could hit me. I know how sweet you are. You’ve always been there for me and I should have known how much you would want to protect me. Forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. I didn’t make the best decision hitting Joe and I’m sorry I upset you.”
†
Stephanie wasn’t sure what had awakened her. She heard a clap of thunder and the rain pelting against the windows was immense. She rubbed her eyes and tried to focus through the dark. She realised she was in Meredith’s living room, lying on the sofa with a blanket draped over her. She sat up slowly, and through the darkness, she could see Meredith, leaning against the doorway of her bedroom watching her. She thought now how crazy she must have looked, turning up on her doorstep demanding entry. The last thing she wanted was for Meredith to think she was mad, or worse, a stalker.
“What time is it?”
“It’s a little after three o’clock. The storm woke me, and I was on my way to check on you, but somehow I couldn’t make my feet move past here.”
Stephanie’s eyes adjusted to the darkness and she could see the worry in Meredith’s eyes. She wasn’t sure if Meredith still feared her or was just concerned about her behaviour earlier.
“I’m sorry if I freaked you out today. I didn’t mean to come barrelling into your home and upset you.”
Meredith rushed toward her and knelt in front of her, grasping her cold hands.
“Oh honey, you haven’t scared me, not at all. I’ll admit I was fearful for a while when I found out you hit Joe, but after seeing you, talking to you, I know you would never hurt me.” She gently rubbed her fingers over Stephanie’s injured hand, careful not to put too much pressure on her knuckles. “Did you get this looked at by a doctor?”
“No, I rang the emergency hotline and they said to ice it and keep an eye on it. If the swelling doesn't go down in a few days, then go see my GP.” She removed her damaged hand from Meredith’s and brushed the soft hair from her face. “What’s wrong?”
Meredith took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. Her eyes were shadowed, and Stephanie found them hard to read. She prayed to God she wouldn’t be sent away again, just the thought terrified her.
“I’m really concerned for you, Steph. I completely understand you being upset about us not seeing each other anymore, but the way you were earlier, I’m really worried you’re not as okay as you say you are. I don’t think you’ve dealt with the loss of your mother or what happened with West, and I’m scared that it's all going to blow up at some point.”
Stephanie stood from the sofa and walked toward the lounge window. She opened the blinds and stared through the night at the heavy rain and flashes of lightning that lit up the late spring night. A great many people were frightened of thunderstorms, but Stephanie always found them relaxing, seeing a beauty in them that mystified her. She thought of Meredith’s words and she supposed she should be angry with her for trying to tell her how she felt. She wasn’t a little child anymore, and she never knew her mum anyway, so how could she have grief about a person she hardly remembered? And West? She was only there a few weeks and she always managed to block out his torture toward her, seeing his abuse as just physical. She had never allowed him to get inside her head. She had been too concerned with trying to get Meredith through it.
“I know what you're thinking,” Meredith said from just behind her. “I know what you have told me about not having feelings one way or the other to both events. I think you have become so great at blocking out trauma that you have found a way to cope with feelings you don’t want to face. You’ve got a lot of anger inside you, and if you don’t get it sorted, I’m worried about what that could mean for us in the future. I don’t want you to keep all this building up inside until one day it blows up and you won’t be able to control yourself.”
Stephanie’s anger got the better of her, after all, that was her go-to emotion when things got difficult.
“How dare you say that.” She turned around and faced Meredith. “What, you think just because you’ve had a few counselling sessions that gives you the right to try and dissect me and tell me how I feel?”
She expected Meredith to get angry, but she didn't. She just took a step forward and pulled Stephanie into a tight embrace. She tried to pull away, but Meredith held her tighter. She thought she had done enough crying today, but apparently not. Slowly tears leaked down her cheeks.
“You said earlier for me not to push you away,” Meredith said. “So now I'm asking you to do the same. Don't try and push me away. Let me help you the way you’ve helped me.”
Stephanie lifted her head and gazed into the eyes that were only inches away from her own. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t tell you about feelings I don’t have. I can’t stand here and say things have affected me in a way I don’t think they have.”
“I think they have affected you, you just don’t recognise they have. You can get angry at me, shout at me, but all you’re doing is confirming what I already expect to be true.”
Stephanie pulled away completely and went into the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of water and took a few calming sips. She returned to the living room but didn’t approach Meredith, who still stood in the same position. Stephanie looked within herself and began to question everything she believed about herself, every situation s
he had been in, and her reactions over the years.
She knew she was capable of anger. She knew she could love, she loved Joe and Fiona. She knew empathy for others. And she knew the power of attraction. Her deep need for Meredith was proof of that. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe the death of her mother did cause her to set up walls, maybe closing herself off all these years had enabled her to never experience that kind of loss or pain again.
She thought of the hopelessness she had felt when Meredith had said she didn’t want to see her anymore. How it felt like her heart was being torn out of her chest. It was like her entire life force was being drained out of her veins and she honestly thought she had died inside.
A memory flashed through her mind. She was five years old in a foster home. She could remember sitting at the dining room table with her foster family all around her, and the interaction of the parents to their kids. The mother kissed one of the children’s heads as she placed a plate of food in front of him and whispered, “I love you.” Stephanie had run from the table and hid in the bathroom, hysterically sobbing on the floor and wondering why nobody loved her like that. She didn’t know it at the time, or couldn’t remember, that someone did love her like that, her own mother, a mother she would never know.
Stephanie came back to the present and looked up at Meredith.
“Steph? You okay? You’re as white as a sheet.”
“I just remembered something, something from my childhood. It was the day I realised I would always be alone, I would never have someone love me unconditionally. I think that was the day I shut down emotionally. The day I vowed to never let anybody hurt me the way I was hurting then.” She took a few steps toward Meredith, who remained silent as if she knew Stephanie needed to say this. “All these years I thought the head trauma from the accident was the reason I am the way I am, but you're right, I did this to myself.”
“Sweetheart, you only did what you thought you had to do. It was the only way you could protect yourself. And that’s okay, you needed to be strong, you needed to look after yourself.” Meredith closed the distance between them and placed her hands on Stephanie’s cheeks. “You don’t need to do that anymore. You’re not alone and I promise I will never hurt you the way you have been in the past.” She pulled Stephanie’s head down and kissed her on the lips, remaining there for a few long seconds.
After Dark Page 12
