by Sky Corgan
Wanting to avoid strained conversation, I did the best thing for both of us. I sneaked out, being careful not to wake him, and walked back to my dorm. The walk seemed unnaturally torturous, but I knew that facing Dustin would have been far worse.
Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one who was up early. Leonor greeted me with a too chipper smile, her expression set in mischievous curiosity.
“Someone didn't come home last night,” she mused.
“Can we please not talk about this now? I think I'm dying.” I tossed myself onto my bed. For as much as I enjoyed basking in Dustin's scent last night, my bed was ten thousand times more comfortable. Not because it actually was, but because it was mine. I was in my safe place now. Nothing could hurt me here. Well, nothing except Leonor's insistent pestering.
“Oh, you so can't do this to me. I know you were out with Dustin Nikoli all night.” She sat down on the side of my bed, shaking me as if she thought I was already passing out.
“What part of leave me alone do you not understand?” I grabbed my pillow and pulled it over my head.
“I'll leave you alone as soon as you dish out the details,” she said innocently.
“There's nothing to dish,” I grumbled. Way less to dish than I would have liked. Nothing pleasant at all. Only misery.
“You slept with him, didn't you?” she practically squealed.
I curled my fingers around my pillow and slammed it onto the bed beside me, revealing my exasperation. If it wasn't plain on my face, it was definitely steeped in my tone. “If by slept you mean alone in his bed, then yes. I slept in his room. He slept on the floor. We didn't do anything. Are you satisfied?”
She jumped up so quickly you would have thought the bed was on fire. Her hands went up in defense. “Whoa! Calm the fuck down. I was just curious is all.”
Guilt instantly assaulted me. She was my friend. She didn't deserve me lashing out at her.
“I'm sorry.” I deflated, loosening my grip on the pillow and splaying my fingers across it. “I just had...another bad night.” I rolled over and curled up in the fetal position, the memory of Dustin pushing me away making my eyes sting.
“You always have a bad night,” she huffed, obviously not soothed by my apology. “I'm starting to think you should give up on going out.”
I was too hurt by her words to muster up a response. But I was starting to think that too.
***
“I've really fucked things up,” I told Bobby the next day at lunch.
Georgina wasn't in the cafeteria, and the girls were eating together at another table. That meant Leonor was still pissed at me. She had barely spoken two words to me since I had exploded at her, even though I had apologized profusely.
Even worse, Dustin was giving me the cold shoulder too. Not that I'd actually tried to contact him. No, I was too embarrassed for that. I didn't want to face up to what I'd done.
It seemed that all of the people I had tried to integrate into my college life were slipping further and further away. Bobby was all I had left. It was like time was passing in reverse. I was back to square one as far as friends were concerned.
“They'll come around.” Bobby stared past me at the girls. “She can't stay mad at you forever.”
“I'm not so sure.” I propped my elbow up on the table and rested my chin on my hand, sulking.
“She does have a valid reason to be mad at you, though.”
“I know she does,” I sighed. “I've already apologized to her for being a bitch. I don't know what else she expects me to do.”
“That's not what I'm talking about.” He furrowed his brow as if I was completely missing the point.
“What?”
“You shouldn't be getting so close to Dustin Nikoli.”
I quirked my head back in confusion. “Why not?”
“He tortured you all throughout high school.” He rotated the slice of pizza on his plate but didn't take a bite. “I can't even count the number of times you were upset because he'd done something shitty to you. And now you're hanging out with him.”
“I'm not...hanging out with him.” I glanced away, thinking about how I conveniently omitted the details about throwing myself at Dustin when I recited the story to Bobby. He didn't need to know that. No one needed to know that. Hopefully, Dustin wouldn't blab to all of his friends about it and make me the laughing stock of the whole school. If he were the guy he used to be, it would have been all around campus already. My fellow students would have been sniggering at me behind my back. From what I could tell, Dustin was thankfully keeping quiet.
“You studied with him the other night. He took you skydiving. You guys have been spending a lot of time together. That's hanging out.” His eyes flickered with annoyance from my denial.
My shoulders slumped. “We're not friends.”
“Obviously. Because a good friend wouldn't get you so drunk that you couldn't go back to your dorm. That guy is bad news. Who knows what he could have done to you when you were passed out drunk?”
A lot less than I wanted, I thought and then huffed.
“He's not how he used to be,” I said weakly.
“No. He's not. He has the frat to protect him now.”
“You're just bitter because you didn't get invited to the party.” I scowled, pushing my tray aside.
He rolled his eyes at me. “I could not care less about that. I don't give a shit about those stupid parties. They were never much fun anyway. What I do give a shit about...is you.”
There was something strange in his eyes, something I hadn't seen for many years. Almost the second I recognized it, it was gone. Maybe I had just imagined it, but something was different. It was probably just concern. Bobby hadn't had to worry about me for a long time. Yeah, that was it.
“He wouldn't do anything to me.” I twisted the cap off of my bottle of water and took a sip, staring out into the distance. “I think he's kind of protective over me.”
“Yeah, protective. That's why he got you smashed.”
“I'm serious.” My mind went back to standing with Dustin at the cemetery. “His little brother died, you know. Some kid accidentally killed him in a bullying incident. That's why Dustin is different now.”
“Isn't karma a bitch,” Bobby let out an acerbic laugh.
“That's what I thought too at first. But no one deserves to go through something like that.”
“If there weren't guys like Dustin around, no one would have to go through something like that.”
“Maybe you're right.” I couldn't disagree with his logic. “Whatever the case, he's changed now.”
“Regardless, I don't like you hanging out with him.”
“I don't think you'll have to worry about that anymore,” my voice trailed off as I caught sight of Dustin entering the cafeteria. He didn't see me, but it didn't matter. Part of me wanted to slink down in my seat and disappear, but a greater part of me couldn't look away.
***
It took about a week before Leonor started talking to me again. That was one of the longest, loneliest weeks of my college life. There was no apology from her for snubbing me, but I didn't mind. I had been the one in the wrong, after all.
Apparently, I had missed out on a lot during that week. Holly and Brandon had officially become a couple, which meant that the girls were hanging out with the guys a lot more. Thanks to the merging of the groups, Dustin and I couldn't keep avoiding each other.
Spending time with him again was strange. Even seeing him in such close proximity made tendrils of unpleasantness snake around my heart to snuff out my social prowess. The first time we all ate dinner together at the diner, I was as silent as a grave.
But as time passed, things got easier. I did my best not to engage directly with him for the most part. That was easier said than done, though, when he offered to drive me home one night that I wanted to leave early to study for a test. To be honest, I had thought about rejecting his offer, but that would have seemed odd considering that I had
never said no before.
The ride was full of awkward silence. The entire way back to the dorm, what had happened between us gouged at my brain. By the time he parked in front of the dorm building, I couldn't keep quiet about it any longer.
“Listen, Dustin. I think we should address the elephant in the room.”
“The elephant?” He lazily quirked an eyebrow at me.
“You know, the thing that happened last time.” I poked my fingertips together, unable to look at him.
He turned to me, and I felt heat rise up my neck from intimidation.
“You listen. Nothing happened last time. You were drunk. I was drunk. We did things that drunk people do. They didn't mean anything.”
“Yeah.” My mouth went dry as pain assaulted my chest. He sounded so serious. So cold.
“I don't want you to think about it anymore. I don't want you to worry about it anymore. That's in the past. There's no reason why we can't still be friends,” his tone softened, and relief flooded through me from the soothing sound of it.
I nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “Yeah. We can still be friends.”
“Now go study for your test. I'd offer to help you, but if I recall correctly, you failed the last one I helped you study for, so I think I'd be more of a distraction than a help.” A knowing grin spread across his face, and the heat that had been rising inside of me earlier reached my face to settle into a blush.
Damn it. How could he still have this effect on me?
He was right, though. I had failed that test, and it wasn't because I didn't study. I had been too distracted with everything else going on in my life to be able to focus. That whole week, I hadn't given much of a shit about anything. It was horrible how adversely my mood could affect my grades.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said meekly as I opened the door.
And that was the start of an unexpected friendship. A real friendship. Not a continuation of the weird interactions that had transpired between us thus far.
It slowly became a ritual for Dustin to drive me home after we hung out with friends. During the week, he would stop by in the courtyard to help me study whenever he saw me sitting in the grass with my books. On the weekends, I stayed pretty much glued to his side at the frat parties when I wasn't dancing with the girls.
He watched over me from a distance, making sure I had a good time and stayed out of trouble. If he thought I'd drank too much, he'd cut me off. It was a bit annoying, but I tolerated it because I liked being around him. He was a good guy now, despite who he used to be. Bobby had nothing to worry about.
Things became so casual and relaxed between us that I was almost able to forget about what had happened. We had a silent agreement that we never brought it up. I was pretty sure that neither one of us wanted to remember that night. I was just happy that we had been able to heal from it and move on because I genuinely enjoyed having him in my life.
He was slowly becoming like Bobby, someone I crushed on but knew I could never have. I had been through enough with both of them to be able to separate my desires from reality. I could settle for friendship. Friendship was far better than not knowing them at all.
Dustin drove me home from one of our group hangouts one night. All night, he had been oddly quiet. None of the jokes that Leonor told seemed to make him smile. He was present, but not really there.
“What's wrong?” I asked as we pulled away from the diner.
“Huh?” He glanced over at me. That one word was proof that his mind was somewhere else.
“You seem different tonight.” Concern played across my face.
“It's nothing.” He shook his head.
“It's not nothing. I know you well enough to be able to tell when something is wrong.” I turned my gaze forward, deciding not to press any further.
Dustin was silent for several moments before he spoke again. “Tomorrow is the anniversary of my brother's death. It just...makes me think a lot, you know?”
“Oh,” my voice was solemn as understanding took hold. No wonder he didn't feel much like hanging out.
“I need to go to the cemetery and put flowers on his grave.” He sighed, propping his elbow up against the driver's side window. “I'm sure my parents will have gone out and done it, but I want to bring him something too. Maybe not flowers,” his words trailed off in thought.
“Well, what else did your brother like?”
“I don't know. Comic books. Nerdy shit.”
It was now blatantly clear to me how little the two of them had in common.
“You'll think of something.” I offered him a soft smile.
“Yeah,” he replied absentmindedly.
We pulled up in front of the dorm, and I grabbed the door handle to get out of the truck. To my surprise, Dustin caught my wrist, stalling me. My eyes landed on his hand before traveling up it to his face.
“Hey... I know it might be kind of weird of me to ask, but would you like to go to the cemetery with me tomorrow? I know you didn't know my brother so I would understand if you said no. I just...don't really want to go alone.”
The sincerity in his tone tugged at my heartstrings. How could I possibly say no? “Of course, I'll go with you.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It was a dreary day. The sky seemed to be trying to rain, but it couldn't push out more than a light mist. It made the cemetery look eerie, almost like there was a fog settling over it.
Dustin had been silent almost the entire ride over. There was a bouquet of roses lying on the passenger's seat when I opened the door of his truck. I guess he settled on flowers after all.
I stayed by his side as we walked towards the plot at the back of the graveyard. Thomas' tombstone was surrounded by various bouquets. Dustin added his to the mix.
“It looks like a lot of people cared about him.” I stepped up next to Dustin, trying to steal some of his warmth. The cloudy weather coupled with the dropping temperature made me feel chilled.
“He didn't have a lot of friends. This was all family. My dad came by earlier.” He gazed out across the cemetery.
“Why didn't you just meet him here?” I wrapped my arms around myself.
“He came out while I was in class. My mom won't be coming until the weekend. I'll come out again with her then too.”
“That will be good. I'm sure she'll need you to get through this.”
“Yeah.” He bent to wipe the dirt off of the grave. With the moisture in the air, it just smudged into mud. I offered him a wad of tissues from my purse to finish the job and clean his hands.
“Thanks,” he said, staying in a crouched position.
I waited in silence, feeling out of place like I was looking in on something I shouldn't have been seeing. Something private, not meant for my eyes.
My gaze wandered around the cemetery. It was small, with probably less than three hundred graves. It was hard to count, but I tried anyway to pass the time.
It was about ten minutes before Dustin stood. Beads of wetness clung to his lashes from the fallen mist. Below them, I could see the beginnings of tears forming on his bottom lids.
He sniffled and wiped his face on the back of his sleeve. “Alright. I think I'm ready.”
He turned to walk away, but I tugged at his shirt to stop him. “Wait.”
His expression was deadpan as he watched me dig through my purse. I had skipped lunch that day to go to the comic book store. It took a bit of groping around, but my hand finally landed on the little plastic figurine. I pulled it out of my purse and knelt in front of Thomas' grave to place it on the corner of the tombstone.
When I stood up, Dustin was smirking at me.
“It's a wood elf druid miniature from Dungeons and Dragons,” I informed him. “Since you said your brother was a nerd, I figured he probably played. I'm not sure what character he would have created, but the druid was my favorite.”
“He would have liked you a lot.” Dustin's eyes scanned my face.
I suddenly f
elt small under his gaze. The way he was looking at me made something tingle inside of me, something that was completely inappropriate given the situation. I felt ashamed for finding him attractive then, when he was so vulnerable, with tears glistening in his eyes and sorrow in his expression.
He bit his bottom lip, and then he moved toward me. My breath hitched as his fingertips touched my cheek. He craned his neck, leaning in. His lips hovered over mine. So uncertain. So warm.
I wanted to surge forward, but I wasn't going to advance on him. I wasn't going to take advantage of him in his delicate state. This was all him. If he pulled away, I would understand.
He didn't pull away, though. His lips pressed forward into a tender kiss, far more restrained than the night we were together in his room. It was a sweet kiss. A kiss full of affection and pain. I could feel it radiating from him.
I held my breath as his mouth moved on top of mine, savoring the moment. I knew it would be over faster than I liked. And it was.
He disengaged from this kiss, his eyes hooded and distant. He swiped his tongue across his bottom lip. Seeing it sent a shiver rolling all the way down to my core. Then he took my hand and we walked out of the cemetery together.
I didn't know what we were doing. I didn't care. All that mattered was taking Dustin's pain away—giving him a reprieve from the grief. I'd offer up my services in any way that I could if it gave him one moment of peace.
And to be honest, I wanted this. I had wanted it for the longest time. Even when I had refused to admit it to myself, I had wanted it.
Our clothes practically melted from our bodies the second he had me in his bedroom at the frat house. There was a determined intensity between us that had never been there before. Our eyes were locked together, and then our bodies were locked together. He moved on top of me, claiming me, and I let him in. Let him have every part of me.
