unDefeated

by J.C. Valentine

  Spencer was nowhere in sight when she let herself into the apartment. It was weird. She’d grown so accustomed to seeing him in her space when she came home at night that the silence felt foreign.

  It wasn’t a good feeling. Not at all. Anxiety spiked her blood as she succumbed to the urge to check each room. Once she confirmed that he truly wasn’t there, her thoughts turned dark and she sunk down on the edge of his perfectly made bed. What if he’d decided he’d had enough? What if he was sick of being the only one to make changes? What if he wasn’t coming back?

  Bolting from the bed, she rushed to the single dresser and ripped open its drawers, one by one, relieved to find his balled up and mangled clothes still lining them.

  So he was definitely coming back. But for how long? Just because his clothes were still there didn’t mean he planned to stick around. Living with someone like her wasn’t easy, she knew from experience.

  Spencer had put her through her paces, so she knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of another person’s neurosis. She wasn’t kidding herself. Olivia knew she was sick. Normal people didn’t like to slice open their own skin in order to feel whole again. They didn’t relish the sight of their own blood. They didn’t purposefully scar their bodies and willfully resist treatment.

  But what was normal anyway?

  Just because Olivia didn’t fit perfectly into the imaginary box didn’t make her a freak. So she needed to find relief when other avenues failed to work. Was that such a crime? It wasn’t like she was out hurting other people. She’d never killed anyone. The only person she hurt was herself, and even then, it didn’t really hurt. It felt…good.

  A car alarm went off nearby, startling Olivia from her thoughts. Sliding a look at the clock Spencer kept beside the bed, she realized she’d lost an hour. She still needed to change out of her work clothes and grab a shower before it got too late.

  Standing, she gathered a fresh outfit from her own room and went into the bathroom, shutting the door enough to leave a crack so she’d hear when Spencer returned. As the tub filled, she opened the lower cabinet beneath the sink to look for her favorite lavender scented bubble bath. A nice long soak was always a treat after a long day.

  Finding the half-empty bottle nestled between a few other beauty items, she reached for it. A few muttered curses fell from her lips when her hand skimmed over the top of a bottle of lotion, knocking it down and creating a domino effect. By the time everything had settled, she’d toppled over everything inside.

  Sighing, she began restoring order. Five minutes later, as she finished standing up a bottle of shampoo, her eyes caught on the small, white bundle wedged into a crack in the cabinet’s recesses.

  Knowing she should just ignore it, she still found herself reaching. Carefully digging it out, she unfolded the piece of toilet paper. It was a little ragged and flat, but it was what was inside that mattered.

  She felt a flutter of anticipation as she began to unravel the tiny square. On the final turn, a small, shiny object dropped into her upturned palm and a shudder traced through her.

  Spencer thought he’d gotten them all, but he never found this one. That was because he hadn’t looked under her mattress. She liked having one close by, and she silently praised herself for the foresight. If she hadn’t hidden this one, Spencer would have taken it, too.

  It probably wasn’t wise to keep it in the same place he’d found her first one, but Olivia reasoned that he likely wouldn’t look in the same spot twice. As long as she was careful, he’d have no reason to look at all.

  Tempted, she considered taking it into the bath with her, but what if Spencer walked in on her? She had no idea when he’d be back. Naked, there’d be nowhere to hide the evidence. Even though it physically pained her, Olivia somehow drummed up enough energy to fold it back into the tissue and tuck it away again.

  Better to be safe than sorry.

  As it turned out, she made the right choice. Almost as soon as she slipped beneath the bubbles and the hot water washed over her body, she heard the front door open. Her ears perked up and Olivia listened to Spencer move through the living room and toward the kitchen before backtracking and heading down the hallway.

  “Liv? You home?”

  Spencer’s heavy baritone spoke to something deep inside of her that Olivia didn’t think she’d ever understand. No matter how irritated with him she might be, the moment she heard his voice it seemed to strip away the urgency.

  She’d been so prepared to lay into him, and now…she just longed to see his face. She wanted so badly to just look into his eyes and see him looking back at her with the same adoration and love she felt stirring inside of her. Damn it, she just couldn’t stay mad at the man, no matter how much he deserved it.

  “In here!” she called out. A moment later, the door pushed open. Lifting her eyes, she caught Spencer’s cautious look as he peered inside. Relief flooded his face when he caught her staring back at him, unharmed.

  “Hey,” he said, his voice a deep, throaty rasp. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know I was home.”

  He moved to leave. Sitting up so fast water sloshed over the rim of the tub, Olivia called out to him. “Wait!”

  Pausing, he turned back and lifted a quizzical brow. Here she was, completely naked in a tub full of water with dissipating bubbles surrounding her, and whatever she was about to say left her.

  “Um…” Glancing around, Olivia said, “Did you have a good day?” Lame. But it was a start. Communication, right?

  The look on his face let her know that Spencer wasn’t fooled by her halfhearted question, but he bit anyway. “It was fine,” he replied. Taking a step inside, he leaned back against the doorframe and slid his hands into his pants pockets. “I put in some applications.”

  “You did?” she asked brightly. “That’s great. Where did you apply?”

  His face tilted down and he shifted his stance. “I don’t have any skills unless you count sinking other people’s money down the drain,” he said with a weak smile. With a resigned sigh, he said, “A couple of fast food places and whatever position is open at Whole Foods.”

  She knew how hard that must have been, to humble himself like he had. Spence was a proud man, someone who wanted desperately to be successful, but his choices had sent him down a hard path. Still… “I’m proud of you, Spence,” Olivia said softly.

  His face still angled toward the floor, his gaze lifted, showing off those gorgeous blue eyes from beneath a row of thick, soft brown lashes. “Yeah? Me, too. I almost came home a few times, but I forced myself to follow through.”

  “I can’t imagine that was easy.”

  He shook his head slowly. Their eyes remained locked, and even though Spencer had seen her naked before, Olivia suddenly felt shy. They’d been through a lot together. Their recent fights and her twisted emotions had created a wall between them that she wasn’t sure they’d be able to get over, but as Spencer’s gaze darkened, traveling over her exposed skin, she shivered.

  Maybe there wasn’t a wall, so much as there was distance. They’d started walking the path together, only to get lost along the way. But, maybe they still had a chance to find their way back, one step at a time.

  “You been in long?” he asked.

  “No.” A few strands of blonde hair that were too short to stay in the simple twist she’d created, tickled her shoulders as she shook her head. “The water’s still hot. Join me?”

  His gaze leaped to hers in surprise. “You sure?”

  She heard the true question in his hesitant words. What he was really asking was if she was sure about him. About them. Scooting forward to give him space, she said confidently, “Absolutely.”

  Reaching back, Spencer gripped his shirt and pulled it over his head. Kicking off his shoes, his fingers pried the button on his pants open, and he made quick work of the rest of his clothes.

  Olivia stared, unabashed, at his nakedness. She loved his body. He was tall, lean, and mu
scled. The sharp planes of his chest and stomach were here favorite parts. It reminded her of days when they’d stay in bed all morning and she’d make a game of running her tongue down that valley between his abs. She’d glide it over the sensitive skin of his belly, tracing the single tattoo there—a simple line of elegant script from one of his favorite bands that read never give in, never back down—and making him laugh.

  When was the last time she’d made him laugh, or smile, for that matter?

  “Did you get hurt?”

  As Spencer honed in on the cut on her arm that was peeking out from the water, Olivia shrugged. “Just a scratch. I got caught on something at work.”

  She wasn’t sure if he believed her, but he didn’t say anything more as he approached the tub.

  As he eased in behind her, Spencer took all the guesswork out of it and immediately wrapped his arms around her shoulders, lacing their fingers together over her chest. It was such an intimate embrace, and she sighed into it, feeing grounded for the first time in weeks.

  “I didn’t ask you how your day was.” The sound of Spencer’s gruff voice in her ear coupled with the way his thumb rubbed back and forth over the swell of one breast, made her shiver.

  “It was okay. The tips were good, but I mostly helped out on the register.”

  They fell quiet for a moment, and then Spencer gave her a gentle squeeze. “I keep getting the impression you’re upset with me.”

  She hesitated, unsure if she should be truthful and break the serene moment, or lie to him so they could stay in this rare slice of happiness. She thought of Dr. Peterson and knew the right answer. “I was mad at you. I still kind of am, but I don’t feel like fighting with you right now. I like this, being here with you, no complications.”

  His lips pressed against her cheek. “I know, baby. Me, too. But I don’t want anything hanging over us. Tell me what’s on your mind so I can fix it.”

  “I—Promise you won’t get mad.” In turn, she promised herself that she would keep her temper under control, too. They were adults, and as adults, they could have a civilized conversation sans yelling, right?

  “I promise I won’t get mad. Talk to me.”

  She inhaled deeply, letting it back out slowly as the words tumbled free. “I know you’ve been spiking my meals.”

  He stiffened around her, and she rushed on before he could argue. “I understand why you think you need to do it, but I need you to understand how upsetting it is for me. Going behind my back when you know how I feel about it tells me you don’t trust me to hold my own.”

  His breathing was growing heavier, his chest lifting her back. “Am I wrong? Can I trust you, Liv?”

  She opened her mouth to say yes, but the word caught in her throat. To lie to him again…she knew, on some baser level, that it would be the last straw. So, she clamped her mouth shut.

  “I’ve been where you are, Liv. I know the struggle, how hard it is to deny the cravings. If Dr. Peterson says those pills can help you, even just a little, you need to take them.”

  “I don’t like how they make me feel like I’m straddling the line between reality. I can’t think straight with them.”

  Heart pounding through his chest, she sensed Spencer was struggling for the right words. “I know about the razor,” he said, startling the hell out of her. “The one under the sink. I found it after you left for work a few days ago.”

  Which meant he also knew she’d lied about cutting herself. Her breathing accelerated beyond a healthy rate, making Olivia feel lightheaded. She wanted to leap from the bath and lock herself away in her room to escape the judgment she knew would follow his words, but Spencer’s hold tightened on her, keeping her in place.

  “When was the last time you cut yourself? Yesterday? Today?” His words were soft, but they cut deep, exposing her secrets to the harsh light. As if to prove himself right, his fingers lifted away from hers to trace the angry, puckered skin on her arm. “You need them, Liv,” he murmured. “You need the medicine to help keep you level, baby.”

  Emotions running wild, Olivia’s chin trembled. “I know,” she said in a shaky whisper.

  “You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here. You can trust me, Liv. Anything you need, I’ll take care of it. I’ll take care of you.”

  Recalling how hard it had been for her to stand by him and see him through his gambling and the problems that followed, she couldn’t wrap her mind around why he hadn’t run screaming already. He was in recovery. Dealing with her had to be pushing his limits. “Why? Why are you still here?”

  Dropping her hands, he unwound his arms. Olivia’s heart sank as he pushed her up. This was it. He’d finally realized that she wasn’t worth the hassle. But when he grasped her waist and twisted her around to straddle him, she caught the flare of determination in his eyes.

  Taking her face between his hands, Spencer forced her to look at him. “That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard,” he said frankly. “If you don’t know by now why I’m still here, then I’m doing this all wrong.”

  He shifted her closer, and the way their hips lined up made her very aware of the growing erection beneath her. Her lips parted on a soft gasp of surprise, and Spencer pulled her down taking advantage of the moment by slipping his tongue inside her mouth.

  Moaning, Olivia relaxed into his chest, suckling on his tongue and allowing herself to get lost in the moment. The way Spencer kissed was like being drugged. He stole her breath and fed her senses, leaving her feeling dizzy and euphoric.

  Breaking away, Spencer gave her a lazy smile. “You want to know why I’m still here?” She nodded. “For the same reason you are. I’m in love with you, Liv. I’m a broken down shell of a man with zero prospects and even though I know I don’t deserve you, I can’t bring myself to walk away.”

  Laying his left hand between her breasts, he pressed firmly over the pounding organ. “This is my home, right here.” Taking her left hand in his right, he pressed it over his own heart. “And this is yours. You’ll always have a home with me. I know I’ve hurt you, and I know I have a ways to go to earn back your trust, but I promise you, there’s no place else I want to be.”

  “Me either,” she confessed, her voice cracking. At that moment, she knew she needed to tell him the truth, but when she opened her mouth, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. “Make love to me, Spence. Show me how much you love me.”

  His eyes searched hers. Whatever he saw had him grabbing her by the back of the neck and pulling her down. His mouth crashed against hers in a hungry kiss. Growling as she opened for him, Spencer tilted his head and deepened the kiss as he slid inside her welcoming heat.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Dumping her makeup into a floral patterned zippered pouch, Olivia checked the suitcase one last time to be sure she had everything, then she flipped the top over and jumped on top.

  Spencer laughed as he stepped in to tug the zipper into place. “Are you sure you don’t want to bring an extra pair of shoes? I think I saw a pocket of air between the other twelve pairs.”

  She slapped his arm playfully. “Five pairs, thank you very much. You’re a guy, you wouldn’t understand.”

  “A shoe for every outfit?”

  She shrugged. The last two weeks had been great. She and Spencer were back on the same page and they hadn’t fought once. His declaration of love was just what she’d needed to hear. Somehow, it had solidified something in her mind, making her feel more secure and wanted. Because of that, she hadn’t felt the need to cut herself. Even though Spencer kept trying to get her to take the pills Dr. Peterson prescribed, and she kept refusing, he’d stopped trying to force them on her. They were making progress.

  Now, with Ally and Jami’s wedding right on top of them, she felt like they had finally reached a good, solid place in their relationship. Just in time to fly off to an island paradise. Could life get any more perfect?

  Some would say that they were moving too fast, that it wouldn’t last. But she knew her hea
rt, and Spencer owned it. Whatever lay in store for them, they’d get through it because there really was no other option.

  “Do you have everything you need?”

  “Yep.” Bending down, Spencer gathered the straps to his duffle bag and held it up. The material sagged and buckled in the middle, and Olivia gaped is disbelief.

  “Are you sure it’s not empty?”

  “All I need is a couple changes of clothes and some socks. Thankfully, these shoes match everything,” he said, pointing down at his black Nike’s.

  Rolling her eyes, Olivia huffed. “You forgot about hair products, socks, a suit for the wedding, and clean underwear.”

  The luggage dropped to the floor. Leaning forward, Spencer pushed her backward onto the bed and followed her down. With his arms holding him up, he buried his face in the side of her neck, seducing her with his soft lips. “We’re going to The Keys,” he murmured. “If I need underwear, then you’re doing something wrong. And I already told you, I’m not attending the wedding.”

  Placing her hands against his chest, Olivia pushed him back. “I thought we talked about this. I know I said I wouldn’t force you to go, but you have to. This isn’t something you should miss. It would mean a lot to Jami to have you there.”

  A tired look stole over him. Standing, Spencer lifted her suitcase and retrieved his bag from the floor. Scrambling off the bed, Olivia followed him from the room.

  “If Jami wanted me there so badly, he would have asked me to come.”

  The sound of the cab honking to alert them to its arrival left her with even less time to convince him.

  Making a noise of frustration, Olivia latched onto Spencer’s arm and pulled him to a stop before he could reach the front door. “Don’t be so stubborn. He’s your friend and this is a life-changing moment for him. Of course, he’d want you there.”

  “Baby, listen to me. I’m a man, and as such, I know how a man’s mind works. Trust me when I say that if he wanted me to be there, he would have said so.”