Fill Me

by Crystal Kaswell

  That's a lie, and it's a cheap one. I love you so much. Like I've never loved anyone. You're better than a perfect cup of coffee and a "bullshit English major novel" on my Kindle. Hell, you're better than just about anything I can think of.

  So fuck you for trying to squirm out of this breakup. But I forgive you for it.

  Because I really do love you, and I really do want to marry you, and I really want to do whatever I can to make this work.

  Please let me do what it takes.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Alyssa

  Laurie folds her arms and takes a long sip of her coffee. She nods like she's confident, but she's not fooling me. She's a nervous wreck.

  She looks at the clock. It's almost ten. "Why did you give him so much time to think, anyway?"

  "It seemed fair," I say.

  She sets her coffee cup on the counter and paces around the kitchen. "This is a ridiculous one-eighty, Alyssa. Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

  "I'm positive." I run my fingers along the engagement ring. Pretty sure. At least eighty percent.

  "It's rather dramatic for you."

  "I could use some dramatics."

  "Are you really going to drive yourself to the marina? Shouldn't you take a limo or something?" Laurie stops at the counter. She pushes against it, turning back to me. She shakes her head. "It's stupid. He lives like five minutes from here. Why are you going ten miles south?"

  "Because that's where we..." I can't explain it exactly. It's not the first place we kissed--that was at his old house. Or where we met--at the office he used to share with Ryan. It's not even where we had our first kind of but not really a date thing.

  I want to say that's where we fell in love, but that's not quite right either.

  It's where... it's where I found him lying on the grass, reading a dog-eared paperback. It was the paperback that got me. It was falling apart, like he'd read it a hundred times but still wanted more.

  It was our secret place to meet. Where we'd hide in plain sight. And it was like he was there every time I wanted to see him. Like he could read my mind.

  "It's important," I say. I gather my purse, doing a mental check. I have everything I need for this. And it's warm enough that I shouldn't need a coat.

  "You can't leave yet," Laurie says.

  "Cause you'll miss me?"

  "What if he doesn't show? Are you really going to wait alone?"

  I bite my lip. It's not like I've been replaying that possibility in my head all week, imagining myself standing at the marina like an idiot, waiting until the sun sets.

  "How about you call at noon? If I don't pick up--"

  "Assume you're having crazy hot sex?"

  I laugh, and a bit of my tension releases. "Exactly."

  Laurie looks at me like I'm her kid sister. "I'm so fucking worried about you."

  "Whatever happens, I'll be okay."

  She nods, and wraps me in a hug. I repeat the mantra in my head. Whatever happens, I'll be okay.

  I'll be okay.

  ***

  It's ten forty-five when I finally set foot on the concrete path surrounding the marina. Maybe Laurie was right, and this is all melodramatic, and I should have just called Luke and demanded some response to my heartfelt confession.

  It's still possible he won't show.

  It's unlikely. He's so damn polite. If he wasn't going to show, he would have called me, texted me, sent me a damn messenger pigeon--something to let me down easy.

  I make my way to the oversized tree behind our old apartment complex. For a while, we both lived here. I lived with Ryan. Luke was renting a condo so he wouldn't have to stay in the house he'd shared with his ex.

  It was all terribly complicated.

  But this spot is where I found him with that book. He was waiting for me. I'm sure of it.

  He'd arranged the whole thing perfectly. He was wearing only running shorts and he was splayed over the grass so casually, like he was waiting for someone to come along and mount him.

  I press my hand into the tree. It's smooth and hard, like it can withstand anything.

  It's bright already, and I'm certain that everything around me is spinning. I lean against the tree, squinting my eyes to block out the sun.

  Whatever happens, I'll be okay.

  I'll be okay.

  I'm sure I'll be okay.

  There are footsteps behind me. They're steady and determined. I tell myself it's nothing. It's still too early to get excited.

  "I didn't think you'd move on so quickly."

  Oh God, what if he's here to ask for the ring back, to tell me how pathetic I am, to tell me he's so glad he broke up with me.

  Everything is spinning around me. I open my eyes and turn around.

  He's standing there on the grass, in a black suit. He looks damn good with his hair slicked back. His eyes are wide, bright, full of that life I haven't seen in so damn long.

  He's wearing a suit. It's not like he'd wear a suit to give me a brush-off.

  It's not like he'd wear a suit to break my heart.

  My mouth is dry. I try to open it to speak, but nothing comes out.

  "I'll take that as hello," he says. His voice is smooth, calm. But there's a hint of joy there.

  It's a good sign.

  "Did you, um..." My legs are shaking, but I hold on to the tree to stay upright.

  I buckle. Luke swoops in, catching me before I can hit the ground. His hands are on my waist. They're so soft, so gentle.

  I bring my eyes back to his. "Did you... Did you read everything?" Deep breath.

  He nods. "Every word."

  He helps me to my feet, but his hands stay firmly on my waist.

  That's a really fucking good sign.

  "And...?"

  "It's everything I wanted."

  My legs buckle again, but he squeezes me tighter, pressing my body against his.

  It's not like he'd be holding me if he was about to dump me.

  His eyes are so big and full of life. Like always.

  I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. "I want to make this work. No matter how hard it is."

  His hand finds my lower back and he presses my body into his. I close my eyes, rising onto my tiptoes and tilting my chin to meet him.

  Our lips connect and it's the sweetest, softest kiss we've ever shared. Everything is in this kiss--everything we've finally managed to say, every bit of hurt, of joy, of need, of love.

  The kiss breaks and he looks into my eyes. "I want to be with you. Even if you're scared. Even if you'll never be ready to marry me."

  I take a deep breath, squeezing him to keep from crumbling. "Then prepare to be pleasantly surprised."

  I reach into my purse for the ring box, and attempt to lower myself to one knee. I only barely manage not to fall over, but I do.

  I take Luke's hand and look into his eyes. That's the man I want to be with forever. I've never been more sure of anything.

  "I know this is a little nontraditional," I say.

  He nods.

  I peel open the ring box, displaying it for him. It's a men's wedding band. Simple. White gold. Exactly the kind of thing he'd pick for himself.

  "I've done a lot of thinking, and I realized that there's no one I'd rather share my life with. Luke, you fill me with so much. It's not just happiness. It's laughter, excitement, passion. Hell, you fill me with this renewed will to make every day better than the one before. To try as hard as I can to stay recovered. To be a better version of myself." I stare up into those gorgeous eyes of his and squeeze his hand tightly. "I would be honored if you would marry me."

  He smiles. "Ally, you know that's what I want."

  "That's not exactly a yes."

  "Yes." he says.

  I slide the ring onto his finger. He laughs, and pulls me back to my feet. His hands slide around my waist and he pulls me close, so close I can barely breathe.

  We kiss, and everything else fades away. We have each other and t
hat's what matters.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Luke

  It's a warm day in June. Of course, seasons are nearly meaningless in the great state of Hawaii. Every day is warm and humid with a pleasant breeze.

  We're on the beach, a gorgeous beach with clean sand and clear blue ocean for miles. The sun is just about to set and it casts a soft glow over everything.

  I bring my attention to Alyssa. She looks so pretty in a flowing silk dress. It's not a traditional wedding gown, but it suits her perfectly.

  This whole thing is perfect.

  She's beaming like the damn sun. I wasn't sure about her idea, about getting married in Hawaii so we could fix our past mistakes. But she was right.

  It's just us and the officiant. But right now, the world is just us. The two of us against the world, forever and ever.

  She bites her lip and whispers, "I love you."

  I squeeze her hands and whisper it back.

  I was sure I wouldn't be nervous, but there's a tightness in my chest. But when I look into her eyes, at the joy all over her face, all that tension melts away.

  Alyssa is about to become my wife. This is the best day of my life.

  The officiant clasps his hands together. "We're here today to celebrate the union of Alyssa Summers and Luke Lawrence. Today, you will promise your lives to each other." He looks at me. "I understand that you have written your own vows."

  I start. "Alyssa, you're the stars in my sky. My life is cold and gray without you. But with you, it's warm and vibrant. It's perfect." I look into her eyes. Everything about this moment is perfect. "I don't know where life will lead us, but I promise to stay by your side on this journey. I promise to love you forever. I promise my life to you."

  She smiles, a tear of joy rolling down her cheek. She shakes her head, wiping it away and mouthing a curse.

  The officiant turns to her. She nods, taking a moment to catch her breath.

  She looks me straight in the eyes. "This isn't a vow. It's a privilege. I have the privilege of spending my life with you, of growing old with you, of sharing every bit of joy with you. For that, I am the luckiest girl in the world. And I promise to share every day with you. I promise to love you until the end of time."

  The officiant turns to me.

  "Do you take Alyssa to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

  I smile. "I do."

  "And do you take Luke to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

  Alyssa nods. "I do."

  Everything around me is so vibrant. So perfect. Alyssa squeezes my hands, smiling like she's so happy she could die.

  He opens the ring box and hands Alyssa's wedding band to me. "Please place this ring on her finger and repeat after me: I give you this ring as a daily reminder of our love."

  I nod and slide the ring onto Alyssa's finger. "I give you this ring as a daily reminder of our love."

  She's brimming with joy and everything is so colorful, so beautiful.

  The officiant hands Alyssa my wedding band. "Please place this ring on his finger and repeat after me: I give you this ring as a daily reminder of our love."

  She slides the ring onto my finger, her hand lingering on mine. "I give you this ring as a daily reminder of our love."

  I hold her gaze for a moment. I can see everything inside her, and she can see everything inside me, and I'm sure we're going to be happy for the rest of our lives.

  The officiant nods. "You have made your vows as promises to each other and sealed your promises by exchanging rings. So now, with the power vested in me by the great state of Hawaii, I pronounce you man and wife and invite you to kiss each other."

  I lean into Alyssa, pulling her close. She smells so good, looks so good, feels so good. I press my lips into hers. I can feel every doubt inside her crumbling. She loves me, and I love her, and, as long as we're together, everything is going to be okay.

  AUTHOR'S NOTE

  Thank you so much for reading Rouse Me. If you enjoyed the novel, please leave a review. Honest reviews help authors and readers alike.

  Join my mailing list for updates, deleted scenes, first peeks, and all sorts of other goodies.

  Rouse Me Series

  Rouse Me (Book 1)

  Stir Me (Book 2)

  Fill Me (Book 3)

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My dearest Kevin, you are definitely the honey in my tea. I am eternally grateful for your patience listening to all my crazy pitches, blurb revisions, and minor freak outs. I know we are going to have an amazing life together. To my father, thank you for always encouraging my reading and writing, and for taking me to the bookstore when I was supposed to be grounded. To my mother, I know you don't always understand the path I have chosen, but thank you for believing in me.

  Sara, you are the reason why this book is not riddled with typos. Stacie, Amanda, Elly, and Susie-- you are the best beta readers a girl could ask for. Stay honest and brutal. Yoly, you make one hell of a cover.

  And to all my writing friends--Eitan, Kevin, Angela, Matt, Jane, Melanie--I wouldn't be half the writer or person I am today without you. Especially Eitan.

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright © 2015 Crystal Kaswell

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.