We’d put our heads in the sand and avoided this question for the past month. Or maybe we’re each just trying to figure things out in our own heads.
“As far as I’m concerned, we should go where you can get a job you want,” I say.
“Well as far as I’m concerned, we should go where is best for you and the baby. You don’t need to worry about be finding work. I don’t want you to be somewhere all alone during the day. What if something happened?”
This is new, he’s never raised that point before.
“What are you saying? All my family is around Colmar. We don’t want to go there, trust me.”
“Not there, but somewhere not too far away. Close enough where you friends or your mom or someone could come help you out or come in an emergency.”
“My mom?”
I haven’t even told my mom yet. I’ve been avoiding it, but maybe it’s time to tell her, regardless if we move back to North Carolina or not.
“Yes, my baby’s grandmother.”
“But she was so rude to you.”
“She can treat me however she wants, all I care about it how she treats my child, and you.”
“But…”
Steel interrupts me, and says, “Family is important to me. I never had one, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I want the baby to know what I never did. I never knew anything my father. My mother ran away to Niagara Falls when she was pregnant, so I never met my grandparents. Hell, I don’t even know if I had any aunts or uncles. I don’t want that for my child.”
His words break my heart. I move close to Steel, and sit alongside him, pressing my body into him. He’s never told me any of this before, no matter how much I’ve tried to get him to open up about his past.
“You didn’t know your family?” I say, my voice low.
He doesn’t say anything.
“Why did your mother run away?”
“She never told me.”
I don’t know how else to ask this, I take a deep breath and blurt, “Is she still alive?”
“Don’t know. Don’t fucking care, either.”
“Don’t you want the baby to know her? After what you just said about family and all.”
“It’s different.”
“How? You ran away from your mom, I ran away from my parents.”
“I didn’t run away from her, I ran from my foster parents.”
“Oh, sorry, of course.” I feel like an idiot. I knew that, it just came out. His mother mustn’t have been a part of his life if he lived with foster parents.
“Did you live with your foster parents long?”
“Long enough to know I wanted out of there. Couple months.”
“I don’t want to go back to my parents.”
“We wouldn’t. We can live in Woburn or somewhere like that. We’d have our own place. That’s not going back to them.”
“But they were jerks.”
“You haven’t even spoken to them in over six months. How do you know what they’d be like now? They might’ve gotten over everything and are waiting for you to call.”
“Why are you defending them when they were so rude to you?”
“Because they might be a bit crazy, but they ain’t bad people.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean, they aren’t criminals, they aren’t drug addicts. They’re judgmental and rude, but that’s not grounds for banishing their grandchild from knowing them.”
“You’re pretty forgiving,” I say, my voice steeped in sarcasm.
“It’s not for me, it’s for my baby.”
“Stop it!” I snap.
I don’t know why I snapped at him, hormones probably. All this talk about what he wants for the baby, but that clashes with what I want for me.
Steel puts his hand on my belly, and all the tension vanishes from me.
“I’ve never felt so lucky in my life,” he says, capturing my eyes in his. “At first I was freaked. But now I think that you carrying my child is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s also the most daunting, and I don’t want to fuck it up.”
“You really think it’s the best thing?”
“I know it is.”
I look away, breaking our eye contact. What he says makes sense. Life isn’t just about the two of us anymore. I have to think about the baby’s needs.
“Maybe.”
He kisses my cheek, and says, “Plus, we’re going to want the free babysitting, for all the times I want to take you back to the Motel 6 and fuck you senseless.”
Laughing, I say, “I’ll try calling my mom and see how she is.”
The minute the words leave my lips, my laughing stops and my chest fills with butterflies.
“Should I phone now?”
“No reason not to.”
The butterflies triple. I know. I fish out my phone and turn off the airplane mode. It’s the first time I’ve taken it off airplane mode since the day I arrived at the carnival. There wasn’t a need to call anyone there, we all lived and worked together. The only thing I used my phone for was playing Candy Crush.
It beeps and chimes and vibrates like crazy. The number eighty-two shows in the bubble on the messages symbol. Somehow I manage to pretend I didn’t see it, and scroll through my contacts. My thumb stops on Courtney, and I hit dial.
“Emily,” she shouts, her voice bursts out the earpiece on my phone.
“Hey, how are you?”
“How am I? How are you, Courtney?”
“I’m good. Really good.”
“And Steel?”
“Yeah, he’s great too.” I look at Steel and shrug.
“You’re still together?”
“Absolutely.”
“Where are you?”
“Is this twenty questions?”
“Are you kidding me, you took off in the night months ago, and you don’t think I have some questions?”
“Fine, but I need to ask some first, then I’ll be able to tell you what’s going on.”
“What’s going on?”
“I said I’d tell you after.”
“What do you want to know? How berzerk your parents went after you left?”
“Have they calmed down?”
“I don’t know. They stopped talking to a lot of people. All the gossip was about you and they got tired of listening to it.”
That’s hardly surprising.
“Because they disagreed with it?”
“No idea. I saw your brothers at this year’s carnival and asked how your parents were doing. They said your parents are heartbroken.”
“That could mean a lot of things. Like they’re heartbroken because they miss their daughter, or because their daughter ruined their reputations.”
“I wish I could tell you. Why call now anyway? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, um, if I tell you you have to promise not to tell anyone.”
“Of course. I’m no gossip, you know I hate that about this town as much as you.”
“I’m pregnant.”
Courtney gasps. “No,” she says.
“Yes, and Steel and I got married.”
“Holy crap, I can’t believe all this.”
“Believe it, it’s true. We’re thinking about moving back to the area, for the sake of the baby, but I’m trying to get a sense of how my parents would react.”
“I’m sure they’re rather have you here than somewhere else. Especially if you have a baby.”
“That’s me. What about Steel? Because he’s never leaving me, and if they can’t accept that, then there’s no point in me moving back.”
“What do you want, me to ask around or anything?”
I sigh. “No, I’ll phone.”
35
Into the Void (Steel)
We left Memphis a couple days ago. For the past two nights, we’ve been staying at a cheap motel in the Cherokee National Forest. It’s real pretty here, and I’ve taken Emily hiking.
She sti
ll hasn’t phoned her parents.
The idea was that we’d leave Memphis and go back to Woburn. We can meet up with her parents there on neutral territory. The problem is, she hasn’t phoned them yet. Which is why we stayed in the forest a second night.
Now I’ve told her not to phone at all until we get there. If she phones now and they freak, she won’t want to go back to the area at all. And I want my baby to have a family.
“Ready?” I say, holding open the passenger car door for her.
“As I’ll ever be,” she says and gets into the car.
I take her hand and bring it to my lips. “You got nothing to be nervous about. You want to move to be near family with your husband and soon-to-be baby.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Why? What do you think’s going to happen? That they’ll lock you in your room again like a little kid?”
“No. Yes. If they could, I’m sure they would.”
“That ain’t going to happen, Goldie. I’ll bet they’ve grown up since you’ve been gone.”
We drive the next five hours, talking about all sorts of things, but avoiding the issue of her parents.
Mostly, I’m wondering how I’m ever going to get a regular job. How can I?
“I think we should get married for real,” I say.
“We are,” she says.
“I mean in the eyes of the law.”
Emily turns her head, and after we pass a transport truck, I glance at her.
“You’re right,” she says.
“Awesome,” I say.
I flash her my smile, and rub her thigh. I never thought I’d ever suggest a legal marriage, but then I never thought I’d be living outside the carnival. I’ve got to do this right for my kid, and right now, it’s the only way I can figure to be able to get a good enough job.
When we arrive in Woburn, I drive straight to the Motel 6. We check in, and out of pure coincidence, we’re given the same room I stayed in all those months ago. The familiarity is nice, and it almost feels like coming home to me.
We unload our stuff, and watch tv for a bit. Emily finally seems like she’s relaxed. Her phone is on the bedside table, ignored.
“You can’t keep avoiding this, Goldie. You might as well get it over with.”
“I just need some time to figure out what I’m going to say.”
“You had days for that.”
“Well I need more.”
“Fine. Let’s go out and get something to eat.”
I don’t want anything to eat, I just want her in the car. Following road signs, I drive to Colmar.
“What are you doing?” she asks, anger in her voice.
“The phone just isn’t working. So we’re going to see them in person.”
“What the fuck? No way.”
“Yes, way.”
“What happened to seeing them on neutral territory?”
“It doesn’t matter where we see them, I’ll be standing beside you.”
Emily flings her head back against the headrest but does nothing to try to stop me from going to Colmar. I’m still going to need her to tell me how to drive to her parents’ house though.
I don’t say anything else, and we drive in silence. I want her to prepare herself for this.
It’s late Sunday afternoon, and I’m counting on her parents being home. Though maybe it’s better if it’s just her mother.
To my surprise, she directs me to her parents’ house without hesitating.
It’s huge, with a big, white veranda around it. I put the car in park, and get out. Emily gets out and walks straight to the front door. She knocks.
“It feels weird knocking on the door of my own house,” Emily says.
“You don’t live here anymore, remember?”
“I know, but…”
The door opens wide, and her mother stands in the doorframe, her mouth wide open.
“Who is it, Carol?” a voice asks from down the hallway.
“Hi, Dad,” Emily shouts.
“Emily,” he says, rushing to the door.
Her mother smiles and steps aside, saying, “Come in, come in. I’m so glad you’re here.”
Emily goes through the door, and I take a step to follow her.
“You’re not welcome in this house,” her father says, pointing at me.
“In that case, neither am I,” Emily says, reaching for my hand.
“Greg, you said you wouldn’t be like this if she came back. Remember?” her mother says, her voice a hiss.
“Emily wanted to meet on neutral ground, but I insisted her parents would be nice to her if she came here. Maybe I was wrong?” I say, cocking my head at her father.
“Of course, come in. I’ll make coffee,” her mother says. She turns to me and asks, “Do you drink coffee?”
What am I? An alien?
“Yes, coffee sounds good to me,” I say.
I follow the three of them into the house, Emily leading me by the hand. Damn, I knew her parents were rich, but this house is something else. It looks like it’s from the pages of a fancy magazine. The rooms are enormous, and all the furniture looks like it was made for a palace.
We enter into a bright room, with a huge kitchen at one end, dining table in the far corner, and a sofa area near us. Her mother goes straight to the kitchen area and begins making coffee. I follow Emily and her father to the breakfast table.
As soon as the three of us are sitting down, her father asks, “Where have you been all this time?”
“In the carnival,” Emily says.
Greg sucks air through his nose, and I prepare for his reaction.
After a few breaths, he asks, “What’s the matter, the carnival’s finished for the winter, so you’ve come looking for a free place to stay, or have you come to your senses?”
“Neither,” Emily says.
“Greg!” Carol exclaims from the kitchen.
“Neither? You’re just passing through town?” Greg asks. I hope I’m imagining the hopefulness in his voice.
“It’s certainly sounding like you hope that’s all we’re doing,” Emily says.
There’s a crash in the kitchen area, and Carol rushes to the table.
“Honey, Emily, you just ignore him. All that matters is you’re home and you’re safe,” she says, draping her arms around Emily from behind her chair.
“Mom, sit down. I have to say this and get it out of the way, and you guys can freak all you want. Steel and I got married,” Carol gasps and covers her mouth. “And we’re having a baby.”
“Jesus Christ!” Greg says.
“Greg, watch your language,” Carol says, her voice breaking. The coffee is forgotten, along with the shattered mug, and she sits at the table.
“How could you let this happen?” Greg asks Emily.
“Look, it wasn’t planned, or nothing,” I say.
“At least you did the honest thing, and got married. Even though I didn’t get to be at my baby’s wedding,” Carol says, unable to control her tears.
“We got married before it happened,” Emily says, her voice calm.
“You what?” Carol says, wiping her cheeks.
“We got married in July,” I say, sitting straight.
“Where? In Las Vegas?” Greg asks.
“No, in the carnival,” Emily says.
“The carnival? What kind of marriage is that?” Greg says.
“It’s carny tradition,” Emily says.
“So you’re not really married,” Greg says.
“As far as I’m concerned, we are. But we also plan to make it legal,” I say.
When we make it legal, I’ll be able to get a good job, and support them.
36
Home Sweet Home (Emily)
“We don’t want a big wedding, just to go and sign the papers,” I say.
I always thought I’d wanted a big wedding, but now it doesn’t even matter at all. Steel and I have already had my wedding, now it’s only about the paperwork.
/> “Whenever you want, Emily. I’m just happy to have you back,” my mom says. She reaches across the table and pats my hand.
“Thanks, Mom. I was really worried you’d never forgive me. But Steel said you would. He said it was important for me to have your help and support when the baby comes, and that he wants the baby to know its family,” I say, blurting out everything that’s been balled up in me.
“Coming back was Steel’s idea?” she says, her brow creased.
“Do we have to call him Steel?” my dad says into the air.
“You can call me Kayden if you want, but I can’t guarantee I’ll realize you’re talking to me,” Steel says.
Kayden. I don’t think I could ever get used to calling him that. But I like it, it’s a good name. A strong name, just like him.
“And, Kayden, you don’t have a job yet? To care for my grandchild?” my dad asks.
“Not yet, we only got here this afternoon,” Steel says.
“Where are you staying, Emily?” my mom asks.
“At a motel in Woburn. We’re still deciding which town to move to permanently,” I say.
“You should stay here with us while you’re figuring things out. There’s no point wasting your money on a hotel,” my mom says.
I look straight at my dad, and say, “I didn’t think we’d be welcome here.”
“Greg,” my mother says in her sternest voice, “they’d be welcome here, wouldn’t they?”
My fingers are laced through Steel’s, and I examine them. My hand is rough from the months spent putting up and taking down Cess’ booth. I used to always have long nails, polished during my regular manicures. Now my nails are jagged. Even after finishing the carnival a week ago, a layer of dirt is still stuck underneath them.
“I said, wouldn’t they, Greg,” my mother repeats.
I don’t know what to say now. I’m not even sure what to say if my father invites us. Would Steel want to stay here? Would I?
“I’m not sure we know enough about Kayden to welcome him into our house,” my father says.
My mother lowers her voice, and leans into my father, but I can still hear her say, “What do you mean, he’s the father of our grandchild.”
“What do you want to know, Dad? I’m not saying we want to stay here anyway, but whatever it is you want to know, you go ahead and ask.”
Carny: A Bad Boy Small Town Romance Page 15
