Noah Can't Even

by Simon James Green

  Noah nodded, a wave of nausea passing through him. “Yeah,” he squeaked.

  “You’re very white. Are you ill?”

  Noah shook his head. This was agony. What if he’d actually chopped something off?

  “I hope you’re not getting too much hassle. Harry told me everything that happened at the party.”

  “Everything?” he croaked.

  “Yes. And I know those idiots were taking the piss in assembly, but I think it’s great you’ve maintained a dignified silence. Like you’ve risen above it. Are you sure you’re OK?”

  “I think I’ve done something,” Noah gasped.

  “What kind of thing?”

  “I think I’ve sliced off one of my balls!” he whimpered, the tears welling up in his eyes.

  “Oh… God… Really?”

  Noah nodded, his bottom lip wobbling. “At the very least it’s twisted and if that happens you’ve only got five minutes before it dies and they have to surgically remove it,” he said, as every horror story he’d ever read from unreliable medical websites came flooding into his head.

  “Oh God… I’ll…”

  “No! Don’t tell Miss Palmer!” Noah pleaded, not wanting an iota of further attention to be lavished upon him.

  “But, Noah!”

  “No!”

  “Noah! This could be serious!”

  “Please!”

  “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about!”

  “It is! It…”

  “Right! Settle down!” Miss Palmer shouted as Sophie put her hand up. “What is it, Sophie?”

  “Sorry, Miss Palmer, it’s just I think Noah might have twisted one of his testicles and he may require medical attention.”

  Miss Palmer crossed her arms. “Is this some sort of ruse to get out of the presentation?”

  “No, miss!” Noah said. “All the papers are here…” He haphazardly opened a folder as they all spilled out over the floor. “All the papers! All the work! Aarggghh!”

  “Miss, he needs to see someone about his testicles,” Sophie insisted.

  “Well, how’s he done this to his testicles?” Miss Palmer asked.

  “Can everyone please stop saying that word?” Noah squeaked.

  He closed his eyes. If it wasn’t for the incredible pain this would be horrendous, but as he hobbled out in an agonized blur, leaning weakly on Sophie and Miss Palmer, he didn’t care. He didn’t care that everyone else was loving this. He didn’t care about the howls of laughter. He didn’t care that someone said,

  “Friggin’ hell, is he wearing SpongeBob boxers?”

  He just didn’t care. When you’ve reached the very bottom, there’s nowhere else to go. There are no further depths to which you can fall, so there’s no more bad stuff that can possibly happen. And this was the bottom. It was definitely the bottom. His mum was dating a teacher, he’d kissed his best friend, the girl he liked now thought he was gay and his testicles were ruined. It couldn’t possibly get any worse than this.

  Could it?

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  “Well!” declared Mrs Sawyer, snapping her latex gloves off as he stood bollock naked in the middle of sick bay. “I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Your testicles will live to fight another day.”

  Noah pulled his boxers back up while Mrs Sawyer made a note in the accident book. The first person to ever fondle his balls had been a sixty-year-old woman with a receding hairline and whiskers sprouting from her chin. It was not as he had hoped or imagined.

  “Has the pain subsided?” she enquired.

  “Yeah,” he grunted, avoiding eye contact with the woman who now knew him more intimately than anyone else on the planet.

  She flipped the book closed and gave him a kindly smile. “OK, so you stay here whilst I source some new trousers for you. Have a little rest in the bed there and we’ll get you back to new in no time!”

  “OK. Thank you.”

  She bustled out of sick bay and Noah hopped into the little bed and snuggled himself under the mean blanket. Mrs Sawyer was a notorious pushover. With any luck, he could spin this out all day, by which time some other poor kid would have encountered some hideous misfortune, and everyone would have forgotten about him.

  No sooner was he settled than the door swung open again.

  “All right, Noah? Heard you were in here,” Harry said, bearing a black eye and a bloody lip.

  “Jesus! What happened to you?”

  “Fell over on the gravel by the tennis courts.”

  Noah stared at him. “Riiiight.”

  “So, silly me.” Harry shrugged. “That’ll teach me to run, won’t it?”

  Noah nodded. “Sure. Very silly.”

  Noah leaned back against the wall. He knew damn well there was more to the story. It’s what made it so scary. Wouldn’t be the first time a gay kid got beaten up. Wouldn’t be the last.

  “I’d quite like a hug right now,” Harry told him.

  Noah swallowed. He supposed that would be OK. After all, a hug was just a hug. It doesn’t mean anything much. He went over to him and they buried their faces into each other’s shoulders. It didn’t seem too bad when it was just them. It was everyone else that made it difficult. It felt fine. It felt normal.

  “Oh God, that’s enough,” Harry said, backing off. “I’m getting a … you know.”

  And all at once it seemed wrong again.

  How could this all feel so right and then so messed up, at the same time?

  “Look, Harry, I don’t know, but what with the stuff this morning and now you … having fallen over on the gravel, I mean – I just wondered if we should maybe not be seen together for a bit? Like, not hang out at break? Maybe not walk home together?”

  Harry shook his head. “Screw that. You’re not serious?”

  “I just thought, until it all goes quiet again. I mean, all that happened is that one person saw us holding hands. Imagine if Jordan had come in ten seconds earlier when we were… Well, imagine that!”

  “But he didn’t. No one saw, no one knows, no one’s gonna do anything about it.”

  “But if they see us hanging out, talking, it’ll fan the flames!” Noah said. “People will be looking out for any little thing now, any hint that we might be…” He did a vague thrusting motion with his hips. “You know, whatever. There’ll be more trouble.”

  “I don’t care if there is. So what?”

  “I just want everything to go back to how it was. I can take the stuff about Mum and Dad. There’s nothing I can do about that any more. But this…”

  “What? Am I an inconvenience to you now? Is that it?”

  “No! Harry, definitely not!” Noah sighed. Why couldn’t he see his point of view? Normally he and Harry agreed on everything. Now, they agreed on nothing, it seemed. “I just don’t want to give them any more ammo.”

  “Stop wimping out on me. No way. No way is that happening.”

  “But—”

  “NO WAY! Jesus!” Harry paced to the wall, ran his hands through his hair and looked back at him. There was a flash, just a flash, of the angry stranger that Noah had encountered at the party. It scared him.

  “Sorry, it was just a thought. Stupid.”

  Except it wasn’t stupid. Harry might be fine with it all and not care, but Noah wasn’t. He didn’t want everyone talking, calling him gay and making his life miserable. He hadn’t even come out! He hadn’t done anything except let himself be kissed by his best friend. And nobody even knew about that, except possibly Sophie! All anyone knew for sure was that they were caught holding hands. Holding hands! God only knew what it would be like if they knew about the rest.

  The door pushed open and Sophie edged in. “Hey? How’s the patient?” she asked.

  “Fine. My balls are fine,” Noah said, keen that she should know there was no damage and he was still perfectly capable of having children and being an excellent father, just in case she was thinking he might be suitable for that type of thing.

 
She looked at Harry. “God, are you all right?”

  “Yeah, s’fine.”

  “This school is such a dump and the people in it are all utter Neanderthals,” she declared. “Present company excluded.”

  “Lucky you’re leaving, then, isn’t it?” Noah said.

  “You know, I’ve been thinking, you two are the only lads in the school I actually like. How mad it that? There’s, like, five hundred boys and only two who are decent! You’ve got the right idea, you two aren’t even trying to fit in.”

  Noah felt his heart plunge. She liked him. OK, she was totally wrong about the trying-to-fit-in thing, but if she was staying, and if she wasn’t at least half wondering if he was gay, he might be in with a chance. He wished she could stay. If she stayed, something might happen. She’d as good as said it was a possibility.

  “Look, you know you can come and visit any time, yeah? Both of you.”

  “Noah’s not sure he wants to be seen with me,” Harry said, “so I doubt we’ll visit you together.”

  “Haz! Shut up! God!” That conversation had been private. Why was he telling Sophie, making him look bad? And it clearly looked bad, especially taken out of context like that.

  She pursed her lips and looked at him. Yep! That was the look! The look that said “You’re a total jerk, how could you?” and “Now there’s only one boy in the school I like, and it’s not you!”

  “That’s not exactly what I said!”

  “Yeah. You did,” Harry chipped in.

  “Look, Sophie, I just thought it might make things less awful if the others didn’t—”

  “Shut up,” Sophie said. “That’s a terrible idea and really mean, Noah. You and Harry should stick together. You’re mates. You love each other.”

  What did she mean by that? What did she think, after what Harry had told her? “I do love Harry,” he said carefully. “We’re chums, but not bum chums. We’re friends, but not willy friends. We’re—”

  “Noah, this is totally unnecessary,” Harry said.

  “I’m just clarifying—”

  “You don’t need to. I’m really embarrassed, just leave it.”

  “Right, anyway, I’ve got to get back to class. And you –” Sophie pointed at Noah “– don’t be a dick.”

  He nodded. “Totally. No. I won’t be.”

  She went, and Noah turned back to Harry. “Why did you do that?”

  “I dunno. I was just pissed off.”

  “Well, fine, but don’t involve other people. Especially ones that have just revealed we’re the only boys in the whole school they like.”

  “Sorry, should I have left at that point? Did you want to lose your virginity to her on the sick bay bed?”

  Noah threw his hands up. “Well, who knows? Maybe. Maybe I did! Maybe, if you had gone and not made me out to be a total bastard, I would have seduced her and we would have made sweet, sweet love. Or not. I just don’t know.”

  Harry laughed and gave Noah a playful push. “You’re an idiot.”

  “Bingo! One pair of trousers, ages thirteen to fourteen years!” Mrs Sawyer announced, pushing the door open with her massive breasts and bustling triumphantly back into the sick bay, as the boys casually shifted apart.

  “But I’m fifteen to sixteen!” protested Noah.

  “Beggars can’t be choosers. What’s happened to you, Harry Lawson?”

  “He fell over on the gravel by the tennis courts,” Noah explained, giving Harry a sarcastic smile.

  “Does it need stitches?” Harry asked.

  “It’ll need some wet paper towels, that’s what. I don’t know! Falling over on the gravel! Tch! Who’s a silly boy, then?”

  “I am,” Harry grinned, playing up to it, “I’m a silly boy.”

  “I’ve got a fun-sized Mars Bar for brave boys. Do you want a fun-sized Mars Bar?”

  “Yes, please, Mrs Sawyer,” Harry replied with puppy-dog eyes.

  Noah smarted as Mrs Sawyer shuffled back out of the room. Why hadn’t he been offered a fun-sized Mars Bar? His predicament had been far worse than Harry’s. Harry just had a few cuts and scrapes; Noah had full-on twisted testicles that had as good as been sliced up by cheese wire. He wanted his Mars Bar, damn it!

  “So, meet you by the wall tonight? Like usual?” Harry said.

  Noah nodded. “Sure.” And I’ll carry a placard reading “WE’RE OFF TO BUM” because that’s what everyone will be thinking anyway.

  “We good?”

  “Of course we are.” Although it felt different. It felt like stuff had changed. It felt like everything had changed.

  “Catch!” Mrs Sawyer said, poking her head back round the door and throwing Harry the fun-sized Mars Bar. “Noah, do you feel well enough to get those trousers on and get back to lessons?”

  “Not really, I think I’m suffering from a sugar low due to the shock,” he said, enviously eyeing Harry’s Mars Bar.

  “OK, then. You stay here just as long as you need to,” she said. “I’ll see if I can find you a Polo mint.”

  Noah grimaced. It was a Mars Bar he really wanted. He looked back at Harry, who was grinning at him. “Everything’s gonna be all right, you’ll see,” Harry said.

  “Sure.”

  “Here.” Harry threw him the Mars Bar. “Don’t eat it all at once.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “Noah?!”

  He looked up and smiled, delighted to see Sophie dart round the corner of the sports hall and hurry towards where he was sitting on one of the benches.

  “Your text said ‘Meet me behind sports hall – URGENT’,” Sophie said, flopping down next to him. “What’s happened?”

  “Nothing. I just thought we didn’t say goodbye properly earlier.”

  Sophie rolled her eyes. “OK, first, if you put ‘urgent’ in a message, that normally implies some sort of emergency, by which I mean death or injury. Second, what exactly does saying goodbye ‘properly’ entail?”

  “Well, just—”

  “Because people only normally hang out behind the sports hall to smoke or snog.”

  “Well, I haven’t got any cigarettes,” Noah said.

  Sophie’s eyes widened.

  “Oh, and, er … I haven’t got any … lips?”

  She shook her head. “Right, that’s just … obviously stupid because I’m looking right at your lips. Look—”

  “So, this is goodbye!”

  “Noah, we don’t have to do a big goodbye thing because—”

  “I just wanted to say a few words—”

  “There’s Skype, there’s social media, there’s even these things called trains—”

  “I just wanted to say—”

  Sophie sighed and sat back. “Fine. Go on, then.”

  “I know we’ve only really been talking to each other for a few days, but in that time you’ve definitely become one of my best friends. But now you’re going to Milton Keynes…” He looked at her. Here was the crux of the matter. Here was the reason for the sense of urgency. Matters may have been somewhat derailed, but he couldn’t let this chance slip through his fingers. “And the thing is, Sophie, do you think there will be boys in Milton Keynes?”

  She blinked at him. “Well, I would say there’s a high chance. You lot seem to be pretty much everywhere.”

  “We do. We do.” Noah nodded. “But I wonder what the boys there will be like?”

  “Oh! Oh, I see what you mean. Well, there might be some you like. When you come visit we can—”

  “No!” Noah squealed. “I’m not asking for my own pleasure. No. I just meant … er… Look, it doesn’t matter. Just remember that boys from big cities can sometimes be … you know, they can be very dangerous. They’re often hardened by tough lives, pollution and low-level crime. Some may be pickpockets. Others will be drug mules. I’m just saying, trust no one and best not to get involved if there’s any doubt, and there’s plenty of doubt, so my advice is don’t get involved. Anyway, with your exams and everything coming up, you really
don’t want to think about starting a relationship. Not with some new boy you don’t even really know. That’s what I think.”

  Sophie burst out laughing. “Oh, Noah!”

  “This isn’t a joke though.”

  “I know. And that makes it all the more amusing.” She ruffled his hair. “You’re so clueless, it’s cute.”

  “But, Soph—”

  “No, it’s great advice, Noah. Much appreciated,” she said.

  Noah nodded, unsure if she was being sarcastic. And what the hell did she mean by “clueless”? He was completely au fait with how the modern world worked. Why, just the other night he watched a TV documentary about an outbreak of kinky sex parties in the Cotswolds, that had led to a marked rise in STIs amongst the over-fifties. He was nothing if not informed. “Anyway, I thought you might like this.” He pulled the warm and soggy Mars Bar from his pocket. “Sorry it’s a bit soft, it’s been in my pocket since this morning. It’s a Mars Bar.”

  “Yes,” she said. “Happily, I can read the label. It’s very kind of you. Thank you.”

  “Yes,” Noah said.

  “Can I give you some advice?” she said.

  “OK…”

  “Rather than sitting here giving me top tips on dating, which, you know, really are appreciated, how about going to meet Harry? Because that’s the thing you should be sorting out right now.”

  Noah flinched. “Yes, well, I am going to see Harry. I’m just seeing you first. But next I’m just going to pop to the boys’ toilets, then go see Harry.” Why have you told her you’re going to the boys’ toilets? She already knows about the bladder infection fiasco. Now she’ll think you really have got a weak bladder. That’s what she’ll think. “Of course, I could go to the toilet at home, I’ve just decided to go here. No real reason. I could take it or leave it, to be honest.”

  “Good to know,” Sophie said, standing up. “I’ll text you when I’m in Milton Keynes. I’m not starting my new school until next week, so I’ll have plenty of time on my hands to check up on you and Harry! If you see my dad wondering around, dazed, confused, starving and in dirty clothes, can you help him work out how to use domestic appliances?”