Noah Can't Even

by Simon James Green

  “Bro, I asked only because everyone knew. You had shared, bro.”

  “I am so sorry,” Noah said, kicking himself that he’d been so forward, so stupid.

  “Cool.”

  “Oh no,” Noah muttered, seeing Jess and Melissa walking over to them. “Don’t mention the sex score thing,” he said to Josh. “She’s proper angry at being a five.”

  “No sweat, bro,” he replied. “Yo! Come in, Number Five!” he shouted over to the girls.

  “Josh! Aaargh!” Noah squealed, throwing his hands over his face.

  Josh slapped him across the back, fracturing his spine. “Just banter, bro! Doesn’t count if it’s banter!”

  The girls sauntered up. “Hi, Noah, it’s Miss Average for Sex here. How are you?” said Jess.

  “Fine, thank you,” he grimaced, going red.

  “Still bragging about our little evening together?” she said, giving him a dangerous smile.

  He didn’t want her to reveal the truth. How humiliating would that be? “It was a lovely evening, Jess… Amazing, in fact…”

  “Was the sex out of this world, Noah?” Melissa asked.

  “Oh, yes! Yes, it totally was.” He leaned back, spreading his legs apart. “Yeah. Man.”

  Jess seemed satisfied. “Good. As long as it was.” She handed him a little black-and-white printout.

  He blinked at her. “What’s this?”

  “It’s an ultrasound scan,” Jess said. “I’m pregnant, Noah. Pregnant with your baby.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Hilarious. Very damn funny. “Ha ha,” Noah said. “That’s very amusing, Jess.” He stared at her, trying to read her face. Oh, yes, she was good. But not that good.

  She looked at him quizzically. “This ain’t no joke, Noah.”

  “Double negative. That means it is,” he retorted with a satisfied smile, to a blank stare from Jess.

  “Shit, man, shoulda used a condom!” Josh laughed, slapping Noah on the back again, dislodging his lungs in the process.

  “I, totally… Condoms were absolutely a thing,” Noah assured him.

  Jess snorted. “You sure about that, Noah?”

  “Yes! Quite sure!” he barked. This was ridiculous. She was clearly doing this just to make him feel embarrassed and awkward, to see how far she could push it, in punishment for the sex score fiasco. “Right, OK, biology lesson, Jess. You don’t end up with a baby you can see on an ultrasound scan after sexual intercourse two days ago. Right? Not possible.” He handed it back to her. “This probably isn’t even a real anyway. You got it off the internet or something.”

  “Fine,” Jess said. “Let’s see what you say when my dad turns up at your house tonight. And he is mad, Noah, let me tell you. Never seen him so angry. He blames you entirely. Says it’s always the boy’s fault.” She smiled maliciously, turned and walked off.

  Melissa gave Noah the finger. “Typical lad,” she hissed.

  He wasn’t buying this for one second. She was just trying to scare him as a punishment. Unlucky for her that he wasn’t that gullible.

  Noah blew his cheeks out and turned to Josh. “Mental.”

  “Shit, man, though—”

  “It’s obviously not true, Josh.”

  “But, I mean, you did have sex… So, I mean, that doesn’t look good… And maybe, look, sometimes the best thing a bro can do is man up and take responsibility. You get me? You hold your hands up and you say, ‘You got me, but I’ll do the right thing.’ Yeah?”

  “But I – I can’t do that!”

  “Bro, hear my words! Kids can be cool. Life takes us to unexpected places sometimes. Embrace the change!”

  Noah opened his mouth and was about to tell Josh everything, what really happened that night – then he saw Harry across the playground, walking and chatting quite happily with Connor Evans, like they were best buddies. Huh. Didn’t take him long to find a new friend, did it? Noah saw how it was. There was Harry acting all hurt last night, and now … just hours later, totally fine, everything cool, like it hadn’t happened. Laughing and joking with Connor, whilst Noah was the one still feeling like the whole world was on his shoulders.

  Well, fine. Noah wasn’t about to lose Josh as a mate, in that case. He was going to make Josh his best mate of all time. Josh was going to see that he was a funny, hilarious, confident lad who was ace at banter and awesome at … sex … and stuff. Hell, yeah! “Well, I have to tell ya, Josh, THE SEX WAS BLOODY EPIC!” he shouted, hoping Harry would hear from across the yard.

  Josh seemed a bit startled by the outburst. “Yeah?”

  “Oh, yeah. I was really good at it. But I totally used a condom. I’m not a dick.”

  Josh looked thoughtful for a moment. “Any chance the condom could have broken accidentally? What sort did you use?”

  Noah looked at him like a deer in the headlights. “What do you mean, what sort?”

  “You know, there’s so many different types.”

  Noah nodded. Was there? Surely a condom was a condom? Types? Shit! He racked his brains for any memories of changing-room banter between hideous lads, boasting and talking crap. He had a vague recollection of a brand name… “Yeah, yeah, I like to use the Dulux range…”

  “Dulux?”

  “Uh-huh. Yeah, they’ve got one called the … Mega-Hung Donkey Stud.”

  He froze as Josh stared at him in silence.

  “Aarrrggh! Banter!” Josh finally laughed, whacking him on the back again. “You’re so funny! Mega-Hung Donkey Stud! Dulux! Ha!”

  Noah picked himself off the ground and brushed himself down. He wasn’t sure what he’d said that was funny. And Harry was nowhere to be seen, and clearly hadn’t clocked any of this brilliant exchange between really good mates, damn it. “Yeah, banter,” he said.

  God, this was exhausting.

  “Look, bro, I need to go and … catch Harry,” said Noah.

  “Know what else you need to do?”

  “What?”

  “Think about your respon-sibil-ities!”

  Noah nodded. “Uh, sure.”

  “Harry! Hi!” Noah gasped, jogging up to where he and Connor Evans were standing by the wall. Their wall.

  Harry sighed. “What do you want, Noah?”

  “I just—” He turned to Connor. “I’m sorry, would you mind? I need to talk to Harry, you know, in a private way?”

  “Uh, OK? Whatever.” Connor shrugged, turning to Harry. “See you later, dude.”

  Noah watched him walk off. “Dude?”

  “What’s the problem with that?”

  “Dude?”

  Harry sighed. “We’re friends, so what?”

  “Friends?!” Noah spluttered. “So you’re actual friends now? Wow. Gosh. OK.”

  Harry crossed his arms. “How’s your amazing new friend, Josh Lewis?”

  “Cool, he’s cool.”

  “You know, it amazes me that you are finding so much in common with him.”

  “I don’t know what you mean. We’re very alike. We connect on all sorts of things. We have high-minded, intellectual banter.”

  “He’s having to repeat a year to get his A levels.”

  “Er, no. I think you’ll find the school begged him to stay on a year for the good of the sports team.”

  “For someone who’s top set for everything, you really are quite stupid sometimes,” Harry said.

  “Right, well, you’re quite … irritating sometimes,” Noah countered.

  “Great, well, nice chat, thanks,” Harry said, starting to walk off.

  “No, Haz! Come on!”

  Harry spun back round. “No, Noah! I won’t ‘come on’! No! You’ve made it clear how you feel about me. Fine. Have a nice life, then.”

  “You don’t understand!” Noah blurted out. “I’m going through hell! My mum told me I have a secret sibling – in this school! In our year! It could even be you, I’ve no idea. And she’s having an affair. Probably with Mr Baxter, who I’ve accidentally also weed on. And Jess
Jackson is pregnant and saying it’s mine even though we didn’t…” He lowered his voice. “We totally didn’t do anything. At all. So, I mean, you’re here laughing and joking with your ‘buddy’ Connor Evans, and, you know, I could really use some advice right now. Like we used to. Like we always did. I’d tell you stuff, or you’d tell me stuff, and we’d help each other work it out. Harry?”

  Harry stared at him.

  “Please, Harry?”

  And he carried on staring. Emotionless. Cold.

  “Harry?”

  “Know what? Why don’t you go and talk to your new friends who are so pleased you’re straight? That’s what I’d do. I’d go and talk to them right now, actually. If anyone sees you chatting to me, God knows what they might think. Right? And I’d hate to be the cause of any more problems for you, Noah. Sounds like you’ve got quite enough.”

  “So, that’s it?”

  “Yeah. That’s it. Oh, but I can take one worry off your mind. This idea that I might be your sibling? No chance. I don’t think we share a single strand of DNA, Noah. I don’t think we’ve got a single thing in common any more.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  “Noah, can you come down here, please?”

  He trudged down to the front door, where his mum was standing, cross-armed, in front of a stocky man with a very pink face, who was wearing a suit with wide pinstripes. Noah swallowed hard. He knew that when there were men at the door wearing suits, it was never good news. And sure enough, just behind his right shoulder was Jess Jackson.

  Oh absolute crap.

  “Hi!” Noah bleated. Was Jess actually going through with this, then? How did she possibly think she was going to get away with it? It was crazy!

  “Jess says that you slept with her,” his mother said.

  “No. That’s not true,” Noah replied.

  “See?” his mother said to Mr Jackson. “Anything else you want to say to waste my time?”

  “You’re saying nothing happened between you and Jessie?” Mr Jackson said, glaring at Noah.

  “I regret to inform you that Jess Jackson, your daughter, is a liar. She is lying about all this.”

  “I see. What exactly is the nature of your relationship to my daughter then?”

  “Well, strictly speaking, we did hang out … a bit.”

  “Hang out? Tell me, what does that mean? Does it mean you kept your clothes on?”

  “Well, some clothes were removed,” Noah conceded. “Your daughter removed a lot of her clothes. I did not remove hers, or any of mine.”

  Her dad crossed his arms. “So it’s not true that you’ve been bragging about having sex with my daughter at school?”

  Noah swallowed.

  “That is, until you found out she was with child,” her dad continued, briefly glancing over his shoulder to check no one else was listening. “Apparently you gave her a ‘sex score’?”

  “You did what, Noah?” his mum said, with a look of devastating disapproval.

  He wanted to crawl under a rock and die. “Well, I… See, that was just banter. You know, between bros?”

  “Did I bring you up to be that disrespectful towards women?” said his mum.

  “Well, I…” Noah flailed. “It was a joke!”

  “It’s not funny,” Mum said. “And why say it, when it’s not true?”

  Noah mouthed words, but no words came out. There was no answer to give. Not denying the rumour was an act of staggering stupidity.

  “So, you tell me, who looks like the liar now?” Mr Jackson said.

  “Well … me,” Noah admitted.

  “Indeed!” Mr Jackson said. “You’re that ridiculous pirate kidnap boy, aren’t you? Good at making up lies, aren’t you?”

  Noah breathed heavily. “Look, even if I did, which I didn’t, I would have obviously used a … protective sheath. I’m not an idiot; in fact Jess even…” Noah trailed off, realizing what he was saying.

  “Jess even what?” Mr Jackson said.

  Noah swallowed. “When she was wanting to have sex with me, she removed a … protective sheath from the pot on your mantelpiece.”

  Mr Jackson didn’t even flinch at that embarrassing revelation. He must regularly have sex orgies in his living room and be totally cool with it.

  “Oh, yeah, I remember that now, it’s all coming back to me,” Jess said. “And then I ripped it open with my teeth…”

  “You ripped it open with your teeth?” Mr Jackson said. “That’s how you break them!”

  “Oh!” Jess said, laying the surprise on thick. “I never knew!”

  “You did know!” Noah squealed. “You attended sex ed classes! It’s the only class where you’ve ever scored full marks on a pop quiz!”

  Jess shrugged and batted her eyelids at her father. “He’s trying to blame me!” she said.

  “It’s amazing,” Mr Jackson said, stepping closer towards a quivering Noah. “We’ve gone from nothing happening, to clothes being removed, sex scores and condoms in under a minute!” Mr Jackson shook his head. “You know how people in this town talk! How do you think it’ll look if people find out my daughter is pregnant with an illegitimate child? I’m president of the Rotary club! People look to me as a person of good standing. Respectability equals good business.” He sighed and looked down at his tasselled loafers. “Not that I’d expect people like you to understand any of that.”

  “Hold on a sec,” his mum said, taking charge. “When did this supposedly happen?”

  “It did not happen two days ago,” Noah babbled.

  Mr Jackson looked up, sharply. “Two days ago? Oh no, these two have been seeing each other for months, haven’t you, Jess?”

  “Yep!” Jess said, brightly.

  “Oh, God!” Noah howled. “Seriously? You’re seriously saying that? Ha! She hated me before the other night!”

  “Are you going to do the right thing by my daughter?” Mr Jackson said.

  Noah blinked at him. “What? Like, marry her?”

  Mr Jackson gave a dismissive little snort. “No. Are you going to accept responsibility? Help pay for the child? It’s about damage limitation. This sordid little accident’s far from ideal, but at least if there’s a willing father who’s doing his best to make it work, it looks a little less appalling.”

  “But I’m not the father!” Noah pleaded.

  Mr Jackson shook his head. “Don’t make me involve my lawyers.”

  “Right, that’s enough,” his mum said. “You –” she pointed at Jess “– are a lying little bitch with no future. And you –” she pointed at her dad “– are a gullible twat who looks like a pig in a suit.”

  Yay, get in, Mum!

  And she wasn’t done yet: “I know damn well there is no way my son, who is better, brighter and kinder than all your awful, common, new-money family put together, would ever make a girl pregnant in these circumstances. And when we get a DNA test done, the proof will be there for all to see. And then never mind your lawyers, we’ll sue your skanky little asses for defamation. So, why don’t you slime your way back to your pathetic bling-bling house and shove your little heads that contain no brains up your massive fat arses?”

  She slammed the door in their faces and waited until she heard the doors of their BMW slam and the car drive off. “And that’s how you deal with scumbags,” she said.

  Noah looked at her, wide-eyed. His mum had been bloody brilliant. Right now, he totally loved her. She was epic. “I love you, Mum,” he grinned.

  “Sure. But you’re gonna need to prove she’s lying, Noah. If she really is pregnant, she and her pig father are clearly going to cause you grief.”

  “Yes. But you do believe me, right?”

  She cocked her head. “Hmm. You get back late two nights ago and I find you burning your clothes in the garden. Nothing remotely suspicious about that, is there?”

  “No, but—”

  She put her hand up. “S’fine. I believe you. That’s what mothers are for.”

  There was a
forceful knock at the door. “Bloody hell!” his mum said, flinging it open, “Why can’t you just—” She stopped dead, seeing the two policeman standing there. “Oh my God, they’ve actually called the police too!”

  “It wasn’t me!” Noah told them. “Jess is lying. I didn’t even push her, she just ran towards my hands and recoiled with the force – simple physics will tell you for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. That’s all.”

  “He didn’t sleep with her,” his mum added.

  Noah nodded. “I did not.”

  “He’s not really into all that sex stuff yet anyway.”

  “MUM!”

  “Well, it’s true,” his mum said.

  The policemen looked back at them. “That’s … very informative, but we’re actually making enquiries about a missing boy.”

  Noah rolled his eyes. God’s sake.

  “Oh?” said his mum.

  “You look about his age,” one said, smiling at Noah. “Not been home since yesterday afternoon, hasn’t been at school and hasn’t made any contact. We need to know who might have seen him last. His name’s Eric Smith.”

  “Eric Smith?” Noah repeated, trying to sound as neutral as possible whilst every atom of his being was screaming omigod! Omigod! OMIGOD!

  “Do you know him? Have you seen him at all?”

  “He’s… I mean, yes, he’s in my year…”

  “We have a witness who says they saw a lad fitting Eric’s description walking down this street at about four p.m. yesterday. We just need to know why he might have been here. He lives across town, see, so he must have been here visiting someone or meeting someone… Any clues could help us find him.”

  Noah shrugged while his heart raced. What could he possibly say? That he’d brought Eric here to pay him eighty quid for some dodgy video footage? According to Eric, that footage had under-eighteens on it, doing stuff. How could Noah have been so stupid? If there was any nudity on that memory stick, any sex, it would land Noah in a whole heap of trouble. What the hell had he done? No way could he admit this. No way. It would all unravel and then … prison, probably. Branded a sex offender. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t swallow. Why hadn’t he listened to Harry?

  And, that aside, where the hell was Eric?