Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  I strip off my clothes and turn the water in the shower to hot. The stream of scalding water washes over me. Man, I have got to get my shit together. I just attacked someone. Granted, it was provoked, but fuck, what is going on with me? I punch my right fist into the wall of the shower and press my forehead against the tiles. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be.

  I choke out the words, “Tabby, what you have done to me?”

  How do I move on?

  Past

  Age 8

  I FINALLY get to wear my pink witch costume! It’s a pretty pink and bubbly dress with glitter. I love glitter. I’m sad that I missed trick-or-treating on Halloween. But I did have cake since it was my birthday. I was sad that Momma wasn’t there to have cake with me.

  I miss Momma. My heart hurts when I think about her. I want to see her again.

  I’ve been staying with Momma’s friend, Lauren, at her house. I really miss my room at home. I don’t understand why I can’t go back there to stay. Miss Lauren told me that we need some time to heal. I don’t know what that means because I’m not hurt.

  Miss Lauren brought me my costume. I heard her tell someone that it was with Momma’s things in her car. She cried when she told that person. I feel bad. She let me wear it today.

  We just got to a place that Miss Lauren says is very sad. She told me that everyone is here to say goodbye to Momma. Why do we have to say goodbye? I don’t want her to go. I hope she likes my pink witch costume when she sees me.

  Miss Lauren holds my hand when we walk into the building. She’s squeezing it so tight it hurts a little. Everyone is looking at me funny, and so many people are crying. We get into a room filled with flowers, and it smells perfumey. She walks me toward the front of the room where there is a long box. It has pretty flowers hanging on it. When we get to the box, Miss Lauren gets onto her knees. I get down next to her. This is weird, and my heart starts to beat really fast.

  Miss Lauren touches the box with her other hand. “I’m so sorry, Trina. I love you so, so much, and I’m going to miss you. You were the best friend that I have ever had, and I just love you so much. Rest in peace.” She starts crying and shaking. I reach my arm around her to hug her. I feel sorry that she is sad.

  “Tabby, would you like to say anything?” she asks me.

  “What should I say?” I don’t understand what she is asking me.

  “Tabby, I know it’s really hard to understand what happened the other day. But we are here to say goodbye to your momma. She’s with God now, and we won’t see her body again.” She touches my heart, and I think she can feel how fast it’s beating. “But we’re always going to feel her in here. She’ll always be with us in our hearts to watch over us and love us.”

  I think I know what she means now. I’m never going to see my momma again. I start to cry and cry and cry. She hugs me tight and I cry all over her pretty black dress. I touch the box and say, “Goodbye, Momma.”

  I run from the room past all of the people. I don’t know any of them.

  This isn’t fair. I can’t say goodbye to Trina forever! She promised that she’d be my forever momma. Why can’t I see her? Is she in that box?

  I scream and scream. Miss Lauren runs to catch up to me. She grabs onto me while I’m screaming. “Tabby, honey, it’s going to be okay. I wish I had the right words to say to you right now to make this all better, but I don’t. I’m going to miss your momma, too. She was my best friend, and it’s so hard to say goodbye to her. Promise me that you will try to understand. It’s going to hurt for a long time, probably forever. But like I told you before, she’s always going to be in your heart, and her love will protect you forever.”

  I keep screaming until I fall asleep in her arms.

  ~

  Six years later…

  I’m in another new school and I hate it. I hate this freaking place and these freaking people. I moved in with my latest foster family, the Blakes, a few weeks ago. This is my third family since Trina died. Apparently, she didn’t have a will or any legal documents that addressed guardianship for me. She also didn’t have any family, and her best friend Lauren couldn’t take care of me, so I wound up in the system.

  The Blakes are gross, dirty people and some of the most disgusting excuses of human life I have ever seen. Over the past few weeks that I’ve been here, I’ve heard them describe me as disturbed, messed-up, depressing, and ugly. The list goes on. Mr. Blake actually told me that I would never amount to anything in my miserable existence. He’s probably right, but it hurts hearing that from someone who is supposed to be taking care of you.

  Mrs. Blake ignores me completely. I heard her on the phone the other day yelling at Social Services because the first check hadn’t arrived yet. When I asked her what check she was waiting for, she said, “The check that will help me feed my family and your fucking mouth.”

  I haven’t approached her or spoken to her since. I see how it is and I’m going to do what I need to do to survive this.

  Part of my survival means getting acclimated to another new school. I’m walking down the hall when I hear a shrill voice from behind. “Hey, Freshie! What’s with the whole ‘doom and gloom’ look, goth-chick?”

  I turn around to see a group of girls staring at me. I’m used to this. I look different and I like to wear black. It’s how I feel and it’s really all I own. I don’t fit in and never have.

  “Excuse me. I’m going to be late for class.” I try to push past them. I really don’t give a crap about being late. I’m used to it, and no matter where I am, I constantly skip class.

  I make my way through them, and suddenly find myself being pulled backwards by my bag strap.

  “Listen here, Freshie. Try not to look at us or get too close to us because you’re diseased. You. Don’t. Belong,” Mean Girl Number One says in my face.

  Hmm, this is funny, because this bitch is so close to me right now that we’re practically touching noses.

  “Boo!” I yell into her face as I lick her nose. She lets go of me and stumbles backwards, swiping at her face. Good, problem solved. Now they’ll all stay away from me, I hope.

  “You might want to get to the nurse since I’m diseased,” I sneer at her and walk through the crowd that has gathered.

  I hate this place. So. Much.

  I’ve become self-sufficient over the past few years. I’ve learned a lot on my own without any help from anyone. And I’ve realized one thing.

  Lauren lied to me.

  Lies.

  Lies.

  Lies.

  Trina isn’t in my heart. She isn’t protecting me and looking over me.

  She’s gone and never coming back.

  I’m alone.

  Present

  Age 24

  MY PHONE buzzes next to my pillow. Shit, what time is it? I crashed hard when I got home from wandering around the city today. Alone.

  I look at the caller ID. It’s Dax. Fuck, I’ve been avoiding him since I saw Tabby a few days ago. I don’t think I’m ready to tell him what happened. I hesitate, and then answer the phone.

  “Yeah?” I yawn.

  “Dude, are you asleep?” he asks the obvious question. “You were supposed to meet me at the High Note over an hour ago. Wake up and get your ass here already.” He sounds annoyed.

  “I’m not sure I’m up for it. I’ve had a –“ I stop myself from telling him about the past few days. “I’m just tired.” I don’t want to talk about Tabby. Not now. Not with him. I’m just not ready.

  “Not a good enough excuse. Get here now.” I hear him disconnect and toss my phone back onto my pillow.

  Fuck. He’ll keep calling me if I don’t show up.

  ~

  I get to the High Note thirty minutes later and see Dax in a booth. He’s alone with a pitcher of beer in front of him. That’s not what I need tonight. I walk over and slide onto the bench across from him.

  “Glad you made it.” He smirks and takes a generous gulp of his beer. A waitress
shows up, and I order some wings and water. “Nice to see you’re sticking to your guns, bro.”

  I vowed off booze and drugs after all of the crap that went down with Stacy and the tour. I got myself into trouble a couple of times, and getting wasted was the source of all of my problems. Too many fights, too many misunderstandings and Stacy. What a disaster. I haven’t been great at sticking to this resolution, but I do my best. I have a feeling tonight will put some pressure on that.

  “Yeah,” I answer. “So what’s the big deal, and why did you demand that I join you?”

  He nods his head and gestures toward the far end of the bar. My heart starts to race when my eyes lock onto what he’s talking about. Shit. She’s here.

  “Tabby,” Dax says. He has no idea that I saw her the other day.

  I can’t be here right now and he needs to be told this. “Not a good idea to bring me here, Dax. You should have told me she was here when you called me.” I’m pissed off right now. Fuck.

  “Alex, you vowed to talk to her as soon as you got home, and I’m just making it easy for you to do that. So go. Talk to her.”

  He’s been hoping for us to reconcile since admitting to me on the last leg of our tour that he thinks she’s the only way I’ll be happy. He told me how good he thought Tabs was for me, and he completely overlooked the fact that she cheated on me. Over the course of the year that we dated before all hell broke loose with Seth, she and Dax worked through their differences and actually became friends. She started to see through his tough exterior and knew that he treated her the way he did because of his brotherly bond with me.

  While Dax wasn’t happy with what she did with Seth, he still thinks that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t say that I disagree with him. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Shit.

  “Listen, Dax, you don’t understand. I did see her. The other day.” I glance over to be sure she hasn’t spotted me. She and Kirsten are huddled together at the bar with a bunch of empty shot glasses scattered in front of them. They seem engrossed in conversation and oblivious to everything around them. Tabby has a strange look on her face as if she’s contemplating something serious. I need to know what they’re talking about. What has her looking concerned?

  “Oh?” He leans back and stretches his arms across the back of the bench. “And how did that go?”

  I flag down our waitress and order some shots of whiskey. There goes my resolution, but I need to feel numb. Dax frowns at me but says nothing. She returns quickly with the shots. I toss back two, and let the warmth settle in my belly before I speak again.

  “She’s doing great. She’s fucking great.” I am not sure if I’m happy that she moved on without me.

  “You seem surprised and pissed,” Dax says.

  “I don’t know what to feel. While I was there, I went through every emotion. But bottom line? She’s so much stronger than she has ever been.” I take another shot of whiskey and wince. “And I’m kind-of proud of her. This is fucked up, right?” I’ve never seen Tabby so strong and sure of herself, even after I scared the shit out of her when I showed up. I shudder again as I picture the terrified look in her eyes. What did she think I was going to do to her? I could never hurt her. Ever.

  His smirk returns. “You’re proud of her? Hmm. That’s a huge swing in feelings from just a few weeks ago.” He swigs his beer and smiles. “I’m glad to see it.”

  I swallow my fourth and fifth shots then signal to our waitress for more. Numbness and calm wash over me, but I need more.

  “Okay, Alex. I think that’s enough, don’t you?” I can tell he doesn’t want to say it, but he does. “I can’t always be there to get you out of trouble, and Jesus, you swore off booze, remember?”

  The waitress places two more shots and a pitcher of water on the table in front of me. I take that as a hint.

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ve got this under control.”

  Do I? I’m feeling the familiar buzz from the whiskey, and look over to see if Tabby is still at the bar. She is, but I look away. I want her so bad. I want to erase the years lost between us. I want her to be mine again and make her forget about every second that she spent without me. With Seth. I shake my head and swipe at my eyes.

  “So, here’s the short story.” I slam a shot back, choke on it, and look at Dax. “She’s happy. Or at least she was until I showed up the other day. She practically freaked out when she saw me. I thought she was going to have one of her panic attacks. Anyway, she eventually calmed down and realized I wasn’t going to hurt her.”

  “Wait, what?” Dax interrupts me, looking concerned. “She thought you were going to hurt her? Dude, not good. What the fuck?” His anger flares, and I realize he thinks the worst.

  “I was angry when I got there, and I think I may have scared her. But I would NEVER hurt her. Ever. I’m not like Pops and I never will be.” Shit, I feel even worse about my interaction with her. “You believe me, right?” I am not like him. I would never hurt a woman. I would never hurt her.

  “Of course you’re not like him. At. All. But you need to keep your temper under control. Take a look in the mirror the next time you’re angry. You get fire in your eyes.”

  “She’s not with Seth anymore. She’s alone,” I blurt out as I down my last shot. I lick the whiskey off of my lips, making my tongue tingle and glance over at the bar again. Tabby looks angry and is shaking her head violently. I feel sick to my stomach, thinking that I am making her feel this way. I try to figure out what she’s talking about. Maybe she’s angry with me. Telling Kirsten what an asshole I am.

  “Oh?” Dax replies, bringing my attention back to him. “Interesting development.”

  I shake my head. “There isn’t a development, Dax. Do you really think I would take her back?” I say angrily, trying to stop his line of questioning. This is a lie, though. I would take her back, and every ounce of me today wants to make that happen.

  Shit, I’m drunk. I feel woozy as I look over to where Tabby and Kirsten sit at the bar. I have to squint to see them. They are still engrossed in what seems to be heavy conversation, but it looks like they just made a decision. They both look over at me and catch my stare. Shit. Tabby looks like she’s going to be sick. They slide off of their stools and hesitantly walk toward Dax and me. I stop breathing when I see her standing in front of me.

  Kirsten hiccups and then squeals, “Dax! Alex!”

  And just at this moment, Garrett and Tristan appear. It’s a fucking reunion.

  Tabby looks at me and our eyes lock onto each other. Hers glisten and her nose is pink like she’s been crying. Shit. I feel terrible. I’m sure she was telling Kirsten all about my visit the other day. About how I scared her.

  “Ladies, so very nice to see you again.” Garrett slides into the booth next to Dax.

  “Kirsten, after you.” Tristan winks and gestures for her to slide into the semi-circle next to Garrett. This forces Dax to scoot around near me, leaving the only open spot at the table next to me. I’m still holding her gaze and nod toward the bench. She’s the last one left standing and has no choice but to sit next to me.

  She sits down and looks around the table. “Hi everyone. It’s – it’s nice to see you all again.” She looks down at her hands before quickly putting them under the table.

  “Oh, it’s our pleasure, Tabs. It’s been ages.” Sarcasm rolls off of Garrett’s tongue. He just can’t help himself. He’s always given Tabby a hard time, and now is no different.

  Thankfully, Tabby ignores the remark and looks past me to Dax. “Hi, Dax, Tristan, Garrett.” She speaks through gritted teeth. She’s drunk, too, but her confidence seeps through her comment.

  “It has been ages!” Kirsten slurs. “Tristan, it’s so good to see you.” She leans into him and smiles. If she only knew how much he thinks about her, she’d be stoked. It’s obvious she is totally into him. Tristan is a ladies’ man and has had his share of hookups, but there’s always been something about K
irsten that he’s completely drawn to. He lets her relax into his side.

  Kirsten starts saying something to Tristan, but I’m not paying attention. I feel Tabby’s thigh right next to mine and all I can think about is her. Being next to her. The heat from her body touches me and I want to wrap myself around her. I reach my hand under the table, and when I graze the hand at her side, she flinches and her breath hitches. She doesn’t move away from me, so that’s a good sign. The whiskey gives me courage and I don’t want to stop. I can’t stop.

  My hand grazing her knee feels so familiar and I want more. She tenses a little and I feel the beat of her heart in her knee. Or is that mine? This used to be so natural between us and I want to keep going.

  I lean close to her so that my lips are near her ear and whisper, “Let’s go talk someplace.”

  She trembles at the sound of my voice, and holy shit, I’m instantly hard. Fuck, inappropriate response.

  “Okay,” she says and stands. I scoot out of the booth without looking back at anyone. I place my hand on her lower back and guide her to a secluded booth in the back of the bar. She shivers in response to my touch. I twitch inside my jeans.

  We sit across from each other and don’t say a word for a few minutes. She seems relaxed. Drunk, but relaxed. I smile at her.

  “Wow, that’s the first smile I’ve seen on your face in a very long time.” She grins.

  “Yeah. Well, I wish things would have gone…” What am I trying to say to her? That I wish things were different? Better? I continue, “Well, a little differently the other day. I need to apologize again for scaring you. It’s not what I intended.” What I want now is so much more, all of her.

  Her eyes harden a little as she stares at me. “Alex, let’s not talk about it again. I don’t want to re-live it. Okay?” She looks toward the other booth to see Tristan and Kirsten leaving.

  She giggles. “Well, that didn’t take long.”

  “No, I suppose it didn’t.” Okay, light conversation. I can do this. “You know, Tristan talked about her a lot when we were on the road. I think he’s been looking forward to seeing her again.”