Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  I sit next to him and lean into his side. “Thanks for the drink, Alex,” I say softly, biting on the end of my straw.

  “You’re welcome.” He places his free hand on my thigh and makes small circles with his thumb. I love when he does this. It’s such a small gesture, but it makes my heart swirl.

  “So, Dax thinks you’re good for me,” he blurts out.

  Dax is not only his best friend, but also like a brother to him. He’s been hot and cold with me since I met Alex. Actually, mostly cold. I’m surprised with this declaration.

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really.” He pinches the skin above my knee. I giggle and playfully slap at his hand. He’s too quick. He grabs my hand and pulls me toward him until his warm breath touches my lips. “I do, too, Tabs.” His playful tone is gone. “I think you’re perfect for me.”

  My breath hitches as he moves his lips away from mine and kisses the tip of my nose, leaving me wanting so much more.

  “Oh,” I say quietly. I’m perfect for him? I’ve never been perfect for anyone. “Are you sure?”

  He takes the iced coffee from my hand, places it on the table next to his, and reaches for my face. He softly brushes his knuckles along my jaw until his hands reach the back of my head. I flinch and hold my breath as his fingers slide through my hair. I expect him to pull my hair like Tony, but instead he massages my scalp. My tension eases.

  He noticed my reaction and places his lips against my ear. “You know I would never hurt you, don’t you?” he asks tenderly, almost unsure of his own statement.

  “Yes,” I whisper. His lips softly kiss the spot beneath my ear and linger. He burrows his head into my neck, pulling me tight against his body. I can feel his heart beating wildly against my own.

  “I could never, ever hurt you. Never…” His voice trails off. He fights his own demons, and if I were to guess, it has everything to do with his father. That man brutally abused Alex and his mother.

  I can relate to his feelings. I’ve blamed myself for Trina’s death. If only she didn’t have to stop after work to pick up my Halloween costume, she’d still be here. It’s my fault she had to special order a pink, bubbly witch costume. Pink bubbly witches don’t even exist!

  Alex rubbing my hands between his warm ones startles me from my thoughts. He’s trying to calm me down. “You were doing it again, wringing your hands together,” he says. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing, I was just thinking about Trina. Wondering what life would have been like if she hadn’t died. If I hadn’t demanded a ridiculous pink witch costume, she’d still be here.” I touch my forehead to his.

  He cradles my cheeks in his hands and lifts my face so that I’m looking into his eyes. “It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. You were seven and you weren’t driving the dump truck that ran the red light. You had no control over her fate anymore than she did. It wasn’t your fault.” He pulls my head to his chest and I settle in as I listen to his heart race against my cheek. It’s so hard to hear him replay the events that led up to Trina’s death. The dump truck that she didn’t have a chance of avoiding. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to erase the picture of her mangled car I used to imagine when I was a young girl.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. A difficult time of year is coming up for me. My birthday always brings back these awful memories. I’m sorry.” I’m not sure Halloween will ever be a fun occasion for me. Too many memories of Trina and her death surround the day. It’s still a couple of months away, but the anticipation of the date makes me tense and worried.

  “Why don’t we do something to make Halloween special this year?” He kisses the top of my head. His small acts of affection have become more and more frequent. All of the tiny kisses and the tenderness that he shows me break down the barriers around my heart. He’s slowly healing me from Tony’s abuse. He’s been very careful not to go too far with me since I passed out the last time he kissed me passionately. I appreciate his restraint, but God, I want more.

  I look up at him and he lightly pokes my nose with the tip of his finger. “Let’s do something silly. How about instead of dressing up for Halloween, we wear ugly Christmas sweaters instead? They aren’t exactly costumes, and maybe we’ll get a good laugh out of it. We’ll have a contest to see which one of us has the ugliest sweater.” He chuckles. It sounds like a fun idea, and it takes the Halloween aspect away from the day.

  “Sure, I’m willing to try anything.” I place my head back on his chest. I don’t want to end this closeness. His hand moves down on my shoulder, and he pulls me tighter against him. His idea seems like it could potentially be fun. I’d love to see all of the guys and Kirsten wearing ugly Christmas sweaters. I smile at the possibility of a good time ahead.

  More and more I enjoy these peaceful and comforting times of the day with Alex. Thankfully, the bookstore is quiet as it usually is at three o’clock every day.

  “Tabs?” he asks.

  “Yeah?”

  “Is this okay? Is it too much? Because I just need to touch you. To hold you. To feel you. I won’t push, but this right here is what I need.” He squeezes me tighter.

  It’s not too much. I want more, but I’m afraid to ask for it. I’m afraid of what may happen if I do. I just don’t know how to do this, and I’m still learning how to respond to his tenderness, but it hasn’t been easy. I flinch most times when he raises a hand. It’s a reflex response for me that I’m going to have to unlearn. I see the pain in his eyes every time I react that way. He’s worried that his actions might one day become a reality, and he’s terrified of becoming like his abusive father. Every time I instinctively flinch in response, he flinches too. The pain in his face is evident.

  “This is perfect for right now,” I reply.

  “Good,” he says.

  “Because I never want to let you go.”

  I nuzzle into him and silently hope that he never does.

  Past

  Age 19

  I CAN’T stop thinking about her. The need to be with her and hold her is overwhelming. She’s so perfect for me, and doesn’t even realize it. I’m hesitant to tell her everything I’m feeling because it might scare her away.

  But I want all of her.

  We’ve tiptoed around our relationship for several months now. I don’t want to push her for too much, too fast, but we are committed to each other. Committed to helping each other heal. We promised that we would start slowly, and I’m doing my best to stick to it. But God, everything she does makes me want to possess her, but not like that monster did. I want to possess her heart and soul as well as worship her body.

  Tonight is the Christmas sweater Halloween party that we’ve been planning since the summer. I want to make Tabby’s birthday special, like nothing she’s ever experienced before. Kirsten has been preparing everything for the party since the guys and I are completely useless when it comes to those things.

  I pick up my cell phone and dial Kirsten’s number.

  “Hey, Alex!” she answers, sounding extra chipper.

  “Hi, so are we all set for tonight?” I jump right to the point. No use in chit-chatting, because Kirsten does that very well.

  “Yes! It’s going to be a blast. Even Garrett has been getting into the non-Halloween-Holiday-Spirit!”

  Garrett is usually a turd, and I wonder if he has other motives for being so involved.

  “Great. I’ll bring her to the bookstore at eight o’clock like we planned.”

  Kirsten is arranging a surprise party at the bookstore. Tabby thinks that’s where we’re meeting before going bar hopping, but our plans are to stay at the bookstore and make it a quiet night with just a few of us.

  “Okay, see you later, Alex!”

  She hangs up, and I fall back onto my couch.

  I want tonight to be flawless because I have something very important that I want to do. It’s a surprise, and I don’t want it ruined.

  ~

  I arrive at Tabby’s apartment on time and I
knock on her door. I hear Christmas music playing, and I chuckle.

  The door flies open, and her hand immediately covers her giggles. “Oh. My. God. Alex, that sweater is hideous!” Her laughter is beautiful music to my ears, and I don’t want it to stop. I can count on one hand the times that I’ve seen her smile, much less laugh, over the past few months. It’s incredible to see and hear.

  “What? This old thing?” I reply. She looks amazed as she takes in the uniqueness of my ugly sweater. It’s bright red with an embroidered fireplace on the chest. Stockings hang from the mantle and Santa’s foot dangles above the fire as if he’s about to scorch himself. The stockings overflow with candy canes and teddy bears.

  “Seriously, that is one ugly sweater,” she says after she’s able to control her laughter. She throws herself against my chest and kisses the side of my neck. I shiver as I wrap my arms around her waist and nuzzle into her. I feel her heart beating against me, and I’m certain that she feels mine pounding too. I desperately want to pull her lips to mine, but I’ve been trying to keep the boundaries in place. The last time I kissed her deeply, she had that panic attack and passed out at the bar. I’m trying to avoid that at all costs, but these small gestures of affection from her let me know it’s okay.

  “Happy Birthday, Tabs,” I whisper into her ear and then softly kiss her cheek, allowing my lips to linger.

  She wraps her arms tighter around my neck and quietly says, “Thanks.”

  I don’t know how long we hold each other, but it seems like hours. I don’t want to let go, but we’re going to be late for her surprise.

  I pull myself away from her and notice that she’s not wearing a sweater. She’s only wearing a black tank top with a pair of jeans. “Um, aren’t you forgetting something, Birthday Girl?” Damn, she looks hot in that tank top. It’s tight and hugs her curves perfectly, causing my eyes to settle on her tits. She looks so amazing.

  “Hey, up here!” She catches me and diverts my attention to her face. A smile plays on her lips, and I just want to devour her.

  “You’re missing something.” I point toward her chest and smirk.

  She throws her head back and laughs. “I’m not finished dressing yet, duh!” She turns and goes into her bedroom. “Make yourself comfortable while I finish getting ready, okay?”

  “Sure.” I look around her apartment. It’s stark and doesn’t feel like a ‘home’. She keeps saying she’s going to put some time into making it feel more comfortable, but she’s been procrastinating. I don’t know what she’s waiting for. It’s as though she doesn’t think she’s going to be here long, that she may run away again.

  “Hey.” Her voice interrupts my thoughts. I look up and almost choke.

  Her sweater is repulsive! The bright, red cardigan has a Christmas tree in the center. The buttons of the sweater double as fuzzy ornaments, and gold and silver ‘tinsel’ tassels hang from the branches. She has gone the extra mile and completed her look with candy cane earrings dangling from her ears.

  “Wow.” I shake my head. “I have no words.” I stifle a laugh and can’t stop staring at the ugliness that she’s wearing. “Trick or treat?” I say.

  Her smile fades from her face and her gaze drifts to the floor. Crap! The whole point of tonight is to forget about Halloween. I royally fucked up by saying that.

  “Hey, Tabs. I’m sorry.” I walk toward her and grab her hand in mine. “Hey, hey. Come back to me.” I don’t want to lose her to her sadness in remembering what this day is.

  Her eyes meet mine again and I see them glistening. Shit, she’s about to cry. Still holding her hand, I lead her over to the couch, and we sit down. “Talk to me, what are you thinking about?” I need her to open up to me.

  “I haven’t heard those words in a long time. A very long time.” She pauses, and I swipe a tear from her cheek. “Trina loved Halloween so much. She would really make the kids who visited our house do a trick for a treat. She encouraged the little kids in our neighborhood to be creative. And boy, were they ever!” A small smile is back on her face as she looks into my eyes. “God, I miss her, Alex.”

  I brush her cheek with my knuckles, and trace the curve of her jaw and chin. She stifles a sob. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s good to remember her, Tabs. She’d want to see you enjoying yourself and know that you’re happy.” I try to comfort her with my words.

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again,” she says. “I don’t know why I’m trying to pretend tonight.” She slumps her shoulders, looking defeated.

  I pull her to me, hugging her tightly against my chest. “It’s a Non-Halloween-Christmas, or whatever Kirsten is calling it. You’ll enjoy yourself tonight, I promise.” I kiss the top of her head and smooth her hair with my hand.

  I’m really trying to remain positive and supportive, but the truth is, I don’t remember a single pleasant Halloween in my house either. Reagan was always out with her friends, and I was left home alone with Pops. He was usually too drunk to hand out candy to the kids that would come to our house, so I had to do it myself. Because of this, I missed out on trick-or-treating every year. Pushing my own bad memories aside, I place my lips on her forehead. “Are you ready to go?” I ask.

  She takes a deep breath and says, “Yeah, let’s go. I’m okay, I think.” She hesitates a little, but eventually stands up and reaches for my hand.

  I grab hold, and we leave for the Merry-Un-Halloween party.

  ~

  “Surprise!” The small group yells as they leap out from behind the bookshelves. Tabby jumps into my arms and stifles a scream. Her eyes are wide, and I’m not sure if she’s terrified or truly surprised.

  “You okay?” I whisper in her ear.

  She nods and looks back to the group in front of her. They are all wearing some of the ugliest sweaters that I’ve ever seen.

  Kirsten runs up to Tabby, throwing her arms around her. “Happy Birthday, honey. I hope you enjoy your night!”

  Tabby replies, “Um, this is for me?” She’s still slightly confused about what’s going on. I chuckle a little.

  “Yes! This is your surprise party,” Kirsten says. “We decided that you deserve a quiet, low key party so I closed the store tonight and here we are!”

  Tristan and Dax raise their beer bottles and nod their heads. Garrett waves and resumes his conversation with Dottie, the waitress that works with Tabs at the diner. Geez, he will try to get into anyone’s pants. Dottie is married with three kids. What a douchebag. I can tell she’s humoring him, but I’m sure she’ll try to duck away as soon as he stops talking.

  I tense up when I suddenly realize who else is here. Seth. He’s standing behind Kirsten and grins at Tabby as he walks toward us. “Wow. Your sweaters are just, whoa,” he says through laughter. He reaches out and pulls Tabby into an embrace. “Happy Birthday, Tabby,” he says into her hair. Fuck! I can’t stand this guy! He’s been hanging around for a few months now, and she spends way too much time with him. Shit, the way she hugs him back makes me insane with jealousy.

  “Thanks, Seth,” she says as she pulls away from him. His eyes never leave hers, and I’m ready to pummel him. She eventually looks away and addresses our friends. “Thank you, everyone. I wasn’t expecting any of this. Thank you.” Her voice trails off as she looks down at her feet.

  “Merry-Un-Halloween-Birthday!” Kirsten yells and raises her glass. “Cheers!”

  Tabby and I don’t have drinks to toast with, but that’s okay. As soon as her smile returns, I grab her hand and pull her across the room. Dax and Tristan both pull her into hugs. “Happy Birthday, Tabby,” Dax says as he lets her go.

  “Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.” She feels more comfortable around the band these days since they all finally realized how much she means to me. Dax no longer gives her a hard time, and Garrett finally stopped being a complete dick. Tristan was always warm toward her, but that’s his normal demeanor since he’s a huge flirt. As our relationship has grown to whatever it is, the guys have grown
to care about her in their own way. I’m happy we can be her family here in Philly. Hopefully, it’s enough to keep her here with me.

  The party is fun and light with everyone really enjoying themselves. Dottie has to leave early to help get her kids bathed and into bed. I laugh when Garrett’s eyes follow her out the door. Seriously, he’s a pig. Don’t get me wrong. Dottie is very attractive, but she’s married. Garrett needs to respect that.

  After Tabby says goodbye to Dottie, she walks toward me and smiles. “Did I say thank you, yet?” she says as she reaches for my hand. I pull her toward the back of the bookstore. I see Seth watching us as we move out of sight. “Where are we going?” she asks.

  I stop behind the last bookshelf and look up. Her eyes follow mine and she gasps. “Alex, what is that?”

  “It’s mistletoe with a twist.” I smile and squeeze her hand. Above us is a plastic skull wrapped in fake mistletoe. I reach out to her and hold her face in my hands. “Happy Birthday, Tabs,” I whisper as I pull her so close that our noses are touching.

  “Alex.” She inhales and her eyelashes tickle mine.

  I’m done waiting for her to be ready for this again. I need to feel her, all of her. I softly touch my lips to hers and lace my hands through the back of her hair. She tenses slightly in my arms at first, but then slowly relaxes into me. Her arms wrap around my waist and her hips meet mine. Our teeth scrape against each other as our tongues become entwined. I breathe her in with each moment of the kiss and I can’t get enough. She moans and whimpers softly and I almost lose control. I know she can feel how hard I am since our bodies are pressed so close to each other. I don’t know where I end and she begins.

  I slow my assault on her lips and trail kisses from her mouth along her jawline to the tender spot underneath her ear. She whimpers again and her knees almost give out. “Hey,” I whisper as I nuzzle into her neck, “was that okay?”

  She tenses again in my arms, just a little, and her head shakes against my body. “It was good. Really good,” she says. “And this time I didn’t pass out.” I can hear the smile in her voice. Thank God! She doesn’t pull away from me. I look into her eyes as she continues, “That was our first real kiss, Alex. I loved it.” She raises her fingers to her lips. She couldn’t look more beautiful right now if she tried. The dim light from the party filters through the bookshelves, casting a shadow on half of her face. The other half is illuminated and her eyes glisten. Her face looks red and flushed from my stubble, and it’s so fucking hot. The scar on her cheek that Tony gave her has faded into the shadows and all I see are my marks.