Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  I grab the gig bag that carries my favorite guitar and sling it over my back. It’s been such a huge part of my life and my past. I’m sad that I’ve zipped it up for the last time with this band, my band. I know it’s not completely over because I’ll be collaborating with them on future projects, but my time on the road with them has ended. I walk through the studio and out into the crisp December air. I can’t wait to get home to my girls.

  Tabby sent me a text about an hour ago that made me laugh out loud, and it made me worry about what I’m going to walk into when I get there.

  Sara and I are cooking. She’s rolling meatballs and I’m making homemade sauce and chicken parm. Please get some paper towels on your way home. A lot of them. Xx

  The last time the two of them ‘cooked’ together, we were cleaning up flour for days. It got into places that we could barely reach. We had to literally dust the entire apartment because the clouds made by the flour coated everything. I chuckle as I picture red sauce and breadcrumbs everywhere.

  I leave the convenience store with a six pack of paper towels tucked under my arm. I smile as I hope that it’s enough to handle the mess that Team Tabs and Sara are making right now.

  But no matter the disaster that I’m about to walk into, I’m so fucking happy. These girls are my life. I’ve never had a family like this, and I’m going to hold onto them forever. We’re building our life and our future one day at a time, and it feels incredible. I see moments of sadness in Sara’s eyes, as I’m sure she’s remembering her Nona, but they are quickly replaced by joy and laughter. Tabby is giving her so much and helping her heal in ways that she was never able to do so herself. Until now. Having Sara in Tabby’s life has been a blessing. It has helped erase the painful past that Tabs endured for so long. She now has a reason to live, to love.

  Tabby and I have come full circle, and although the journey was painful, I wouldn’t change it. I understand everything that she did to protect her heart and to give Emily the life she deserves. Once I laid eyes on my daughter, I saw that she is exactly where she belongs. The Finnegans are the perfect family. They’re exactly the type of family that I want to have someday.

  Tabby and Sara are my family now.

  We’re finally finished wasting time apart. Tabby and me. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.

  I love her so much.

  I walk into our apartment and see the two of them giggling. The counter is covered in God knows what, but it doesn’t matter. Seeing the smiles on their faces warms my heart. The Christmas tree is lit and the colored lights are bouncing all over the room.

  I’m exactly where I’ve always wanted to be. Where I’m supposed to be.

  With Tabs.

  With Sara.

  With my family.

  My heart swells with love as I look across the room at the two most perfect people in my life.

  Our forever starts now.

  Present

  Age 25

  SARA AND I are looking through the latest photo album from the Finnegans. I honestly can’t believe how big Emily has grown. Sara loves to look through these pictures, almost as much as I do.

  “Will I meet Emily someday?” she asks me.

  I don’t know what to say to her, so I’m truthful. “I don’t know, Sara. Maybe.”

  “I’d like to meet my sister.” She reaches for my locket and pops it open. “I love that our pictures are next to each other over your heart.” She smiles and closes it.

  I place my hand over it, remembering a time when Sara’s spot was empty. I close my eyes and smile.

  “Honey, you are both a part of my heart, no matter where you are. I’d like you to meet Emily someday, too. As we’ve talked about before, it’s not up to us. Carly and Kyle are in control of that. They’ll make the decision for Emily if she isn’t old enough to make it for herself. They’ve committed to always staying in touch with us, but it’s up to them when it’s appropriate for Emily. Visits may come someday, but we can’t push. Okay?”

  “I understand.” She pouts a little bit then smiles as soon as Alex walks into the room. He comes over and kisses us each on our foreheads.

  I get up and place the photo album the Finnegans sent after Emily’s birthday on the shelf next to the others. Several years of incredibly happy memories of her are displayed across hundreds of pages. Looking at all of these memories, I realize that I’m at peace with her life, my life, and the choices that I’ve made.

  Sara places her head on my knees so that I can run my fingers through her long, curly hair. She relaxes under my gentle hand and gazes at the lights on the Christmas tree. She’s softly humming along to ‘Silent Night’ as Alex plays it on his guitar. I stroke her hair and look across the room at him. His smile is huge as he sings the words. Tears are about to spill down my cheeks. I’m so happy right now. It just couldn’t get any better.

  Sara rolls over onto her back so that she is looking up at me. “This is the best Christmas ever, Mommy.”

  I gasp. The tears roll down my cheeks now as I smile. Alex stops strumming his guitar and looks over at the two of us. He knows what he just heard and he’s smiling now, too.

  She’s never called me that before tonight.

  Mommy.

  I’m her Mommy!

  I scoop her up into a tight embrace as she giggles.

  “Was that okay … calling you Mommy?” she asks.

  “Sara, of course it’s okay! It’s better than okay! It’s wonderful!” I squeeze her tight as her laughter becomes muffled in my chest.

  “That’s good because I wrote this for you last night, Mommy,” she says as she hands me a folded piece of her stationary. She stares eagerly into my eyes while she bounces around on the couch. She’s clearly excited for me to read her letter. I look into Alex’s eyes. He nods at me and I open the letter. Her handwriting isn’t neat, but it’s legible.

  Dear Mommy,

  Thank you for giving me a great home and family. Nona always said that someday I would find you. I’m really glad that I did. I love you and Alex so much. You both make me feel like a princess. And you both make me smile a lot.

  I’m very happy and I just wanted you to know.

  Merry Christmas!

  Love Your Daughter,

  Sara

  I put the letter in my lap, bring my hands to my face, and sob. All of the letters that Marta collected for me over the years were beautiful. But this one is straight from Sara’s heart. Written by Sara’s own hands. I’m so touched by the beauty that emanates from this perfect little girl. So much has happened to her recently, but she has managed to keep such a positive and healthy outlook throughout it all. I silently thank Marta for instilling that gift in her.

  “Don’t cry, Mommy. It’s a happy letter, right?” Sara asks.

  “Yes, yes! It’s a happy letter. These are tears of joy, honey. I’m just so thrilled that you are happy here, with us,” I say as I pull her closer to me.

  Alex places his guitar on its stand and strides across the room. He wraps his arms around the both of us and whispers into my ear, “I love you, Tabs. You deserve so much happiness, and now you have it. We have it. I love our family.”

  He leans down and kisses Sara on her forehead. She squeals in delight and throws herself into his arms.

  I sit back to watch Alex and Sara frolic in front of the Christmas tree. He motions for me to join them on the floor.

  “Lay down on your backs,” he says as he kneels on the floor in front of the tree.

  “Why, Alex?” Sara asks, folding her arms across her chest.

  “I want to share my favorite Christmas tradition with you both.” He pulls her to him and kisses her forehead again.

  We all lay on our backs as Alex continues, “When I was a kid, my sister and I used to lay under our Christmas tree and look up at the lights. It is the coolest thing ever, and you see this beautiful tree from a completely different perspective. So scoot yourselves up so that your heads are completely under it
.”

  Sara and I do as asked and push our bodies up so that our heads are all the way under the tree. The bristles from the branches tickle my nose and Sara giggles again.

  “Ooooh! Alex, the lights are so shiny!” Sara cries.

  I look up through the branches and the lights seem to never end. Alex takes a deep breath and reaches over to squeeze my hand. I squeeze back and choke on a sob. Him sharing this tradition with Sara and me is amazing and it warms my heart. I relax on the floor and gaze up into the tree. Seeing the colorful lights from underneath is absolutely stunning, adding so much dimension and beauty to this experience. I reflect on this perfect scenario. Me, Alex, and Sara. Together.

  “Mommy, what is that?” Sara points up through the branches, and I notice something that stands out among all of the colored lights.

  Oh my God!

  Alex squeezes my hand harder and says, “Yeah, Mommy, what is that?” He turns his head and smiles at me as I gaze up into the tree.

  Hanging from one of the branches is a ring, a diamond ring, and all of the lights reflect in the princess cut stone.

  “Tabs,” Alex whispers. I choke on another sob. “I want to be your forever. I want this to be our forever. Will you marry me? Please?”

  “Mommy! Say yes! Say yes!” Sara screeches.

  I try to find the words as my breath hitches. “Alex,” I say softly. “Yes, Alex. Yes to everything! Yes, I’ll be yours forever.”

  Sara squeals with glee and Alex turns toward me. He softly presses his lips against mine and whispers, “I love you, Tabs.”

  “I love you, Alex,” I say quietly.

  “And I love you, too, Sara. Promise me you’ll be my maid of honor?”

  “Yes, Mommy! Can I wear a crown and a pink bubbly dress?” She giggles.

  “You can wear whatever you want sweetheart,” I answer. I close my eyes and picture my Halloween costume from when I was seven years old. Unlike me, Sara will wear her pink bubbly dress to a happy occasion, I will make sure of that.

  I open my eyes to see Alex reaching into the tree to take the ring off of the branch. He grabs my hand, slides it onto my ring finger, and kisses my knuckle.

  The three of us lie there in silence, listening to the soft falling snow as it hits our window, staring at the lights from beneath the Christmas tree.

  This moment is perfect. This life is perfect.

  We are perfect.

  Our family.

  I finally have the family I’ve always dreamed of.

  Alex and Sara.

  They are my Forever.

  One Year Later...

  Present

  Age 26

  MY NERVES start settling in, and I’m officially a complete wreck. I stand in front of St. John’s church and look up. The church bells are ringing and I shiver. Well, here goes nothing…

  I straighten my tie and open the large oak doors. The church is full and I see many familiar faces. I don’t want anyone to see me, so I quickly head up the stairs to the balcony. When I reach the top, I’m thankful that it’s dark and I’m alone.

  I listen to the string quartet playing at the front of the church. The beautiful music is soothing. I close my eyes. I picture how beautiful she is going to look. I imagine myself at the altar, watching her walk towards me. Her radiant smile is perfect. Her eyes glisten with tears of joy. When she reaches me, she places her hand in mine as a tear rolls down her cheek. I reach out to wipe it away and feel her warmth. This is perfect, what I’ve been waiting for.

  Tabby and me.

  Together.

  How it was meant to be.

  The church bells ring again, and Canon in D begins to play. I can’t believe it’s about to start. I tense up and strain to look at the crowd.

  The groomsmen assemble in the front of the church, and then I see him.

  Alex.

  Her one true love. My chest clenches at the sight of him. Why can’t that be me? I deserved a chance that I never truly got because of him. Now I need to let this go. Let her go forever.

  I realize that my images of Tabby and me getting married are just a dream that will never come true. We haven’t spoken in years, yet I still love her so much. She was a part of me, even if it was just for a short time. God, I miss her.

  A little girl, maybe seven- or eight-years old, in a pink bubbly gown skips up the aisle, dropping rose petals as she goes. She giggles and stops to say hello to so many of the guests. It’s adorable. She must be the flower girl.

  Next, Kirsten walks toward the altar wearing a long, strapless, plum dress, and her golden hair tied back. One of the groomsmen, Tristan, shifts back and forth, grinning ear to ear as Kirsten walks down the aisle. Garrett playfully shoves an elbow into his side and Tristan stops moving. His eyes are still glued to Kirsten, and I can’t blame him. She looks beautiful.

  The music switches to the traditional Wedding March, and the crowd in the church is now on their feet. They all turn to face the rear of the church, and I back into the shadows of the balcony so I remain unseen.

  My eyes remain on Alex. He stands exactly where I want to be. He is staring at my one true love. Tabitha. I can’t see her yet, but I can see him. I honestly have never seen him look this way. So calm, relaxed, happy, and in love. His grin spreads, and his eyes glisten with tears. My God, he loves her so much. I would expect to feel jealous at this point, but strangely, I don’t. I suddenly feel happy for her. She’s finally realizing her dream, and this man will give her the happily ever after that she’s always deserved. But it should be with me. Right?

  I shouldn’t be here. It isn’t my moment with her. This sudden realization stuns me and I sit back in the pew. I need to leave. She can’t see me here. I can’t ruin this special day for her. But at this point, leaving is not an option. It would be disruptive, and too many people would see me.

  I see her dark hair first, pulled back with a thin band of daisies. Her favorite flower. The back of her gown is simple and stunning, with a short train trailing behind her. The flower girl starts to jump up and down and I hear her say, “Mommy! You look like a princess! And Daddy! You look so handsome.”

  Mommy? Daddy? I’m suddenly very confused. That’s not Emily. It can’t be. This girl is older than Emily would be right now. I’ve received pictures from the Finnegans of Emily, and this little girl is definitely not her. But who is she? Then I remember the baby that Tabby was forced to give away when she was in Portland. Could this be her? Impossible.

  I strain to look at the girl. She looks like Tabitha. She has the same nose and mouth, and I can see Tabby in her when she smiles. I honestly can’t believe what I’m seeing.

  Tabby reaches the altar, and the little girl rushes to meet her. She bends down to give her a kiss, and then turns toward Alex. He wipes the tears from his cheeks and smiles. He reaches for her hand and she accepts. I can see her shoulders shake a little bit. She’s happy crying.

  Alex joins her, facing the front of the church. The priest blesses the crowd and makes his opening remarks. He gestures for Tabby and Alex to face each other to begin their wedding vows.

  When they turn, I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Their hands are clasped together, and it’s hard to tell where hers end and his begin. They place their hands on her belly, which is huge! My God, she’s pregnant. Very pregnant. About to give birth in a minute pregnant. Holy shit.

  I’m stunned by what I’m witnessing and now I’m drawn to her face. Her eyes are glistening and her smile is tremendous. She looks down where their hands are, and I see her mouth move. It looks like she’s talking to her belly, and I make out the words ‘Mommy’, ‘Daddy’, and ‘Love’. The little girl comes over and kisses Tabby’s belly.

  The priest gives them a minute for this beautiful display of unity. Of family. Shit, my eyes start to tear up.

  He begins the service again and asks Alex to say his vows.

  He removes one hand from her belly and places it on her cheek. She leans into it as he swipes away some tears with
his thumb. He continues to cradle her face as he begins his vows.

  “Tabs. My God, you’re perfect. In every way. Perfect for me, for Sara, and for our family. I’m thankful for the years that we spent together and also for the years that we spent apart. Our love brought us back to each other. You are my soul mate. My life partner. My best friend. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew that we’d be here. Our connection has been too strong to deny it. We deserve a lifetime of happiness together. Forever. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. With confidence and trust. I will honor these words and my commitment to you. To our family. Forever. Until I die. I love you.” He removes his other hand from her belly to caress her entire face in his hands. She’s crying and Sara offers a tissue to her. She bends down to get it and dabs her eyes. Then she laughs a little and dabs Alex’s eyes.

  She mouths what seems like ‘I’m so happy, Alex’.

  The priest clears his throat and asks Tabitha to begin her vows. She nods her head and composes herself. Her hands reach for his, and they drop between the two of them.

  I still try to picture myself across from her, but it’s getting harder and harder. As much as I want to be there, I know that she only has eyes for Alex. Why not me?

  She clears her throat.

  “Please squeeze my hands to let me know this is real.”

  He nods and they look down at their joined hands. She takes a deep breath and continues.

  “Alex. From the first moment that I saw you in the bookstore, I knew that you were something to cherish. To love. You found me at one of the most difficult times in my life, grabbed my heart, and never let it go. You’ve given me security, comfort, and love. And now you are giving me a family. Something that I have only experienced one other time.” She looks up to the ceiling and says quietly, “I love you Trina. God, I wish you were here.”

  Alex quickly wipes another tear from her cheek and the priest says, “She is here, Tabitha. She’s all around you.”