Never A Choice (The Choices Trilogy (Book 1))

by Palmer, Dee

  Paul looks like he is walking on eggshells, Sofia must have told him to ‘handle with caution.’ I have had a steaming hot shower and he’s lent me some sweats and a t-shirt which swamp me but are better than what I was wearing. I am snuggled on his sofa with a warm brandy and sugar. I have had to argue to sleep on the sofa, Paul’s apartment is flash but is one bedroom and it was only when I said I would take my chances on the street that he got me a pillow and blanket.

  My phone has been buzzing with unanswered messages since midnight and I am just about to switch it off when I get one from Sofia.

  HE’S JUST LEFT HERE, I DIDN’T TELL HIM WHERE YOU WERE BUT HE ANSWERED HIS PHONE AND SAID THAT HE’D FOUND YOU- JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD WARN YOU XXSX

  CRAP! THANKS, JUST HOPE YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT SECURITY XXBX

  Thirty minutes later Paul’s entry phone starts to buzz. Paul was already woken by Sofia and goes to answer it. I pull my legs up and wrap the blanket tightly around myself, I feel suddenly very cold.

  “No, he isn’t approved and I don’t care who he is. If he insists please feel free to call the police and have him arrested for trespassing.” Paul slams the phone down and comes over to me. I feel awful for putting him in the middle of this.

  “Hey honey.” He wraps his big arms around me. “He can’t throw his weight around here; you’ll see him when you want to, if you want to.” He plants a kiss on my head and returns to his bed.

  My phone buzzes.

  I KNOW YOU’RE THERE PICK UP THE PHONE BETHANY! YOU SAID WE’D TALK. IT’S THE ONLY REASON I LET YOU GO; YOU SAID WE’D TALK, YOU LIED.

  I don’t have the energy to retort, ‘so did you,’ ‘you’re an arse-wipe’ or ‘why?’ God I want to know why, why her? How long have they been together? I heard her talking about the evening they had planned and tomorrow being such fun. They were even staying at the Savoy. I notice my hands are wet when I touch my cheeks and feel the layers of tears that have coated my face. I wipe roughly, fuck! It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter why he wanted me, it doesn’t matter that he wants her, all that matters is the net result, which is always the fucking same; everybody leaves. The pain in my chest hurts like a bitch as I try to fall asleep but I am not going to cry anymore.

  I wake early and find some of Sofia’s clothes to wear, I can’t go back to my place yet. She has some jeans and a sweater and I thank heavens we’re the same shoe size. I buzz down to security to check if I can get out. They can let me out but the car from last night is still parked out the front. If I come down the stairs and wait in the security guard’s office for a delivery I can use that to get out, unseen. I leave a note for Paul and make my way to wait in the office.

  I spend the day with my mum, she is looking pale and has no recollection of who I am or that I visited last week. I feel numb. I switched my phone off, it kept buzzing. I might just change my number. I spoke to the manager of the home and have arranged to sleep on one of the day beds tonight. I just don’t want to go home, yet. I decide to take a walk along the beach before lock-down. It’s dark and cold and the large pebbles are damp against my jeans. There is something really eerie about the sound of crashing waves when visibility is so low and I shiver not just with the cold. I switch my phone back on to call Sofia to let her know I’m not back tonight

  “Hey sister, I’m staying at my mums tonight, and I’ll go straight to Uni in the morning so will see you tomorrow evening if that’s Ok? Oh and thank Paul for being a super hero last night.”

  “Oh he loves it! Bets are you Ok? Can you even stay at your mum’s?” She sounds so worried.

  “Yes and yes. It’s not a normal thing but they can accommodate, sometimes, besides I can be quite persuasive myself.”

  “He came over today Bets he looked like shit. I think maybe you should hear him out.” Her words maybe softly spoken but they feel too harsh to hear.

  “Traitor!” I say without conviction. “Look, I will at some point, but not now and it really isn’t going to change anything, I promised Marco a ‘no-more’ and I’m definitely there with Daniel. Love you sister.” My teeth are chattering as I sign off.

  “Bets where are you? You sound strange?” Her voice is tinged with concern.

  “On the beach, just heading back.” The noise of the pebbles breaks the silence as I shift to leave.

  “Christ Bets is got to be minus five out there with the wind, get your arse back inside!” She orders.

  “On my way, I’m on my way.” I have no energy to argue, I have no anything.

  I am woken by the night porter trying to placate an irate man at the main gate, when realisation hits me that I recognise that irate man at the gate.

  “I’m sorry sir, there is no one here by that name.” The porter insists calmly.

  “I know there is no one by that name as a resident, I am telling you that you have Bethany Thorne staying there tonight and I have come to collect her.” His anger barely contained to a level of moderate civility.

  “Well, that would be highly unlikely Sir, but even if that was the case, I couldn’t let you in until the morning. We have a number of vulnerable patients here and I can’t risk upsetting them. I am very sorry Sir but those are the rules.” His voice is firm but fair.

  “I won’t be upsetting anyone. I will just pick her up and take her home, and surely you are not insured for non-residents to stay on the premises?” Daniel obviously trying an alternative route, I look with panic at the porter, an old man with kind eyes.

  “Hmm.” He laughs “No I’m sure we aren’t. Why don’t you raise that with the manager. In the morning when I let you in? Good evening Sir.” He disconnects and winks at me and I mouth a big thank you. I walk back to the day room where they had put up a camp bed for me when my phone rings, my other phone. I sigh I couldn’t be less in the mood for this.

  “Sir”

  “Lola.” he sounds agitated but I wait for him to speak to try and gauge how this conversation is to go. “How have you been?”

  “Good sir, thank you for asking.”

  “Really? I thought we had resolved the lying issue early on in our relationship Lola, why do you decide to lie now?”

  “Sir, I . . .” I hesitate and sigh, if he really wants to know, what could it hurt. He’ll soon tell me to stop talking if it’s not what he wants to hear. “I haven’t been so good Sir, but I didn’t think it was right to tell you.”

  “If I ask you something Lola, I want to know the truth, that’s all, no lies. So tell me have you been bad.”

  “No Sir, not bad, just stupid.”

  “Stupid how?”

  “Well stupid or naïve, either fits . . . I mistook lust for something else.”

  “You are stupid for thinking that someone loves you when it is just lust, is that what you are saying?”

  “No no.” I laugh. “I know its lust on his part, but I was stupid.” Christ, my voice is breaking. “I was stupid because I fell in love with him when I should’ve known it was just lust, that it was only ever going to be lust.”

  “Did you tell him you loved him?”

  “No Sir, no I didn’t, and I am really glad I didn’t but it doesn’t stop me feeling, it just means my humiliation is contained.”

  “-and you can’t tell this person this?”

  “Oh yes that would be perfect! I could perhaps cut my heart out as an offering, a side dish if you will.”

  “Sarcasm is not very polite, is it Lola?” His stern reprimand stops my inappropriate tirade.

  “No Sir, I’m sorry Sir.” I feel bad for dumping on this stranger. “To answer your question, no I won’t be telling this person, ever. It’s about self-preservation now Sir”

  “That is very sad Lola.”

  “No sir . . . it’s not sad. It’s heart-breaking.” I disconnect the call. I’ve never done that before and I am glad he didn’t call back. He’ll probably cancel his booking now. There is no way he was expecting that when he selected the specialist line.

  I wake at four in t
he morning to cut across the garden and leave the property without using the main gate. I need to get to the station for five to get the milk train back to London. I have back to back lectures today, the second of which is in one of the large lecture theatres. Some core units are shared over different courses and my second lecture is one of those; Finance. The room is stuffy and I feel slightly hot, sticky and a sheen of perspiration is coating my body. My hands are shaking and I realise I haven’t had anything to eat today as my tummy rumbles in disapproval. I am rummaging in my bag for something edible when the Lecturer begins by explaining that today’s topic of ‘Small Business Financing’ is going to be taken by a guest speaker. I get a watery taste in the back of my mouth and I breathe through my nose; I think I’m going to vomit. I swallow a dry heave, thankful now that I haven’t eaten anything.

  Daniel walks in, he doesn’t look at the audience and I sink into my seat. I am too far from the door to escape and I just hope he doesn’t call me out to the front like last time. He doesn’t. It’s worse, he loads his presentation and begins.

  “The best way to get an understanding of small business finance.” His voice is smooth and deep and I can’t help the effect of him being there has on me as my heartbeat races and as a flush of prickles kiss my skin. “Is to work through a case study of a small business; so in light of this I have made up a company and we will go through each key stage step by step.” He pauses and turns to face the audience but his dark hard eyes are on me, he clicks the laptop in front of him and the case study fills the ten foot high screen behind him: “Lola’s Call Centre.” The corners of his mouth crease but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. I feel the blood drain from my face, but it’s also rushing in my ears, I’m getting large black spots float across my eyes and I know I’m going to faint and or have a panic attack. He knows, of course he knows. He’s my caller but why tell me . . . why tell me now? I start to blow breaths through my pursed lips in a controlled manor as I pack my bag. I start to shuffle my way across the aisle but when I get to the floor of the theatre Daniel addresses me.

  “Did I say you could leave Miss Thorne?” His voice cold and angry.

  “No Sir you didn’t.” I walk to the door and leave just making it to the corridor when I hear a muffled sound in my ears and see dizzying lights above me as I hit the deck. I am being jostled and jiggled. My eyes are still closed, I can smell citrus and exotic spice. My face is pressed against soft cotton and I’m being held tightly. I push my face against the firm chest and nestle, inhaling deeply and feeling a warm rush of familiarity. That familiarity also makes me jump but I’m held tighter with a growl.

  “Don’t you dare fucking move, I’ve got you now. There is no fucking way you’re going anywhere, I’ve got you.” I relax into his stride and his warmth.

  “I want to go home.” I whisper.

  “Alright, I’ll take you home, but then we talk.” He changes his mind then, “After I’ve fed you, then we’ll talk.” He grumbles.

  I’m sitting on my sofa with a large bowl of spinach and ricotta ravioli that Daniel has brought up stairs, along with some fresh bread and some milk. My tummy continues to rumble even after I have eaten half of the bowl.

  “When did you last eat Bethany?” His voice is low, quiet and I have to think. “The fact that you are having to think about the answer pisses me off, look at you, you need to take better care of yourself. What if you’d fainted in the street? What if-

  “-Saturday.” I interrupt. “I ate on Saturday, and to be fair this isn’t my ‘normal’ type of weekend so I think I can be cut a little slack in the caring for myself department.” I snarl back at him. “Daniel, I’m grateful that you brought me home but let’s not get all ‘overprotective’ when it’s . . .” I stop because I want to add; ‘your fault I’m like this in the first place’ and I don’t want to do that, it’s not fair to make him feel bad when I am going to end this tonight.

  “You didn’t let me explain.” His eyes hold a wealth of concern and his voice is so quiet.

  “No, because, it really doesn’t matter.” I soften and touch his leg, his muscles flex, so do mine. “But it’s important to you so I’ll listen but you have to listen to me too.”

  “I did listen to you.” His eyes are molten heat and I sit a little further back but he just closes this distance and holds my stare. “The obligation I had was for my mother’s friends chosen charity, I was bid on at the ‘Batchelor Auction.’ I had to attend the drinks reception with the winning bidder and spend Sunday sight-seeing in London. I couldn’t get out of it and I couldn’t embarrass Kassandra by introducing you at the reception which . . .” He takes my hand sending sparks to my core, “I desperately wanted to do. You were so calm I knew you weren’t Ok with it but I thought you were Ok enough to wait and talk later. If I had known for a second that was not the case, I would not have left your side. You have no idea what fucking hell it’s been knowing where you are but not being able to get to you.” He grabs my face with both hands, his eyes intense with desire. “Don’t you ever fucking do that again.” He captures my mouth with his soft but firm lips and I gasp, my parted lips an invitation he accepts willingly, plunging his hot tongue searching and tasting. I desperately engage with this demanding dance, my breathing laboured my heart racing. I push his hard chest, my fingers brush the curve of his muscles, his breathing heavy too. He moves back.

  “I love you Bethany.” He moves to capture me again but I stand up in shock.

  “Fuck no!” I yell and try and back away, he stands too and towering over me. “I can’t let you, Daniel, there’s no way, I said no-more.” I have my hands pressed flat against his hard stomach, trying to hold him back, “I won’t survive you, Daniel.” I’m trembling and my voice is cracking, I try and regain some composure with some steadying breaths, “I won’t survive you.” I look up into his eyes, I’m pleading and he forges on and scoops me in to his arms and strides to my bedroom.

  “I won’t survive you either, Bethany, I love you and I know you think this is lust, unfortunately it’s been three days since I’ve been inside you, so now, it feels a lot like lust, but after we’ve made love, and I can think straight, I will tell you again, that I love you and you will tell me that you will never leave me. Oh and that you love me too.” He flashes the most amazing smile before he roughly takes possession of my mouth and my body. He moves with purpose and a hungry intensity that has me breathless. He peals my clothes from my body, slowly covering the newly exposed nakedness with adoring kisses. His hand constantly caressing and stroking, my skin burns from his touch and rages inside. His body covers mine, pinning me to the bed, securing my wrists by my head he pulls back to meet my eyes, lust and hunger and something more. He pushes my legs wide with his weight, his hard erection pushing nudging keen to gain access. His mouth covers mine and he moans into my mouth as he pushes deep inside. My sex greedily contracting around his cock, pulling him in deeper with a tilt of my hips. He moves slowly, rotating his hips trying to gain more access, to get deeper. I gasp out loud as he hits the end of my womb with such sweet agony, he swallows my pain, his eyes scorch through me and I start to tremble.

  “Sshhh baby, I’ve got you.” He holds himself deep inside me, not moving, his deep breathing vibrating through me, this is raw, a need and desire makes my chest heave with the depth of emotion I feel for him. My eyes fight to hold on to my tears. “Bethany, you are everything.” It’s enough, it’s too much. He moves just a fraction deeper and it sends me falling, fighting to breathe, flooded with immense waves of pleasure, spasms of uncontrollable bliss I hang on to his broad shoulders, gripping tight with my nails and my head buried in his neck, tears finally falling, I’m such a mess. He holds me for the longest time, not moving, still rock hard. My body stops shaking and as I refocus on the most beautiful eyes staring down at me I am rewarded with the sexiest smile and most sensual kiss. I start to move my hips, thinking he must need some relief, if my climax was anything to go by. “Don’t move baby, I want to
come, just like this, buried deep with you tight around me, my perfect fit.” I gasp as he nudges deeper.

  “Not sure you fit as well as you think.” I explain with a cautious tone.

  “Maybe not, but it’s still perfect.” He kisses, he is hungry devouring everything I return, swirling and plunging, fucking my mouth with his tongue, all the movement he is denying himself inside me. He holds me tight against him and I moan at the passion of his kiss. I am full and stretched and I can feel him pulse deep inside, the smallest movement is enough to start another orgasm to build. “Look at me, I want to see your eyes, when we come together, do you feel that?”

  “God yes, you’re so . . . so deep ahh!” I’m panting because I don’t want to move and break this amazing tension, balanced on an edge of unbelievable pleasure. I look into his eyes and I feel him, all of him and I love him. “I love you.”

  “Fuck!” He never breaks his scorching eye contact when he comes, when I come.

  He wraps me in my duvet and holds me tight into his chest, kissing and stroking my hair. Some time passes when Daniel whispers. “It doesn’t count you know.”

  “What doesn’t count?” I am tracing my fingers along the cut of his abdominal muscles, the ones that make my mouth water.

  “Saying ‘I love you’ just as your about to have a mind blowing orgasm.” I can feel his smile as he kisses my hair.

  “Who says it was mind blowing?” I poke his ridged muscles playfully.

  “Oh, you’re right we should rematch and go for mind blowing.” He flips me so he is again on top pining me to the bed.

  “It was mind blowing!” I softly laugh and he kisses the tip of my nose.

  “I’d like you to say it when you’re not in the throes of passion.”

  “I know.” I quietly say but I am still feeling raw and exposed, maybe later, he seems to understand. He smiles and falls back to snuggle with me against his chest and in the crook of his arm. “But I told you when I wasn’t in the throes of passion too.”