Don't Let Go

by Nona Raines

  “Almost two years,” he said. “After about a year, she started talking about marriage. It’s only natural. But I kept dragging my feet. Finally, she gave me an ultimatum. If I didn’t propose, she was moving on.”

  He went silent. Annalee gave him a moment but had to know what came next. “And you…”

  Eric sank back and stared up at the ceiling. “I couldn’t do it. I almost did, was right at the point of asking her, then I couldn’t go through with it.”

  “You didn’t love her?”

  “I did love her. As a friend. A companion. She’s an awesome person. There was nothing in our relationship to complain about. I just wasn’t…in love with her.” His hand sprawled flat on his chest. His expression was bleak. “Things got pretty messy at the end. I hurt her. She didn’t deserve that.”

  She touched his shoulder in comfort. “You can’t help your feelings.”

  He turned toward her, an unasked question in his somber stare.

  “What?” she asked.

  “What are your feelings?” He took her hand in his. “I want more of you, Annalee. More of this.”

  “This?” She stuttered as the word stuck to her tongue.

  “Us. Together.”

  She hadn’t thought beyond this night. But now that he’d brought it up, yes. She wanted more. More of him. Even so, panic welled, almost choking her.

  He tried to sweeten the deal. “Albany’s only an hour from here. We can see each other weekends, maybe once or twice during the week. Talk on the phone. Text.”

  “School keeps me crazy busy. I don’t have much free time.” What was she doing? Trying to talk him out of it? Was she out of her mind?

  “We’ll work around it. I’m busy, too.” A shadow crossed his face. “Unless you don’t want me. If that’s the case, all you have to do is say so.”

  She didn’t even have to think about it. Of course she wanted him. Then why couldn’t she say so? Yes! Tell him yes!

  But terror felt like birds’ wings flapping in her chest.

  Chapter Four

  Annalee flung herself out of bed, evading Eric’s hold as nimbly as a cat. “I’ll get us something to drink.”

  “I’m fine.” He levered himself on one arm, his forehead crinkling in…what? Concern? Confusion? Alarm? Yeah, because she was crazy.

  She grabbed her robe from the back of the door, tossed a “Be right back” over her shoulder, and ran for the kitchen. Coward. Coward! She silently screamed at herself as she paced the cold vinyl floor.

  She stopped, jerked open the refrigerator door, and stared blindly inside. What was she looking for? Something to drink. Right. She grabbed a bottle of juice from the top shelf.

  The automatic flood light turned on at the back door. Annalee paused, then startled when someone tapped at the door.

  What on earth? She was about to call for Eric when her ex, Denny, peered in through the glass.

  She opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

  “I saw your light. I need to talk to you.”

  “Why are you skulking around my house?”

  “It used to be my house, too,” he grumbled, crossing the threshold as though he still lived there.

  “It’s a little late to be complaining about the settlement.”

  “I didn’t mean that.” He ran his hand through his hair and puffed out his cheeks. His face, which always tended to be florid, was flushed. From too much imbibing at the reunion, no doubt. “I saw you at the reunion. I didn’t think you’d show up.”

  Of course not. He’d been like everyone else, convinced she’d be too embarrassed to show her face.

  She started to pull her silky robe tight around her, protecting herself from his avid gaze. Then she remembered she wasn’t the lonely divorcee he’d left behind. Eric was in the bedroom, waiting for her. She was sexy, desirable. Wanted.

  Letting her arms fall to her side, she thrust back her shoulders. Eat your heart out, buddy.

  “You look good, Annalee.”

  Her lips flattened while her fingers tightened on the neck of the juice bottle. Did he really believe a few cheap compliments would make her forget everything that had passed between them?

  His face grew even redder. “Why didn’t you come say hello tonight? We’re still friends, aren’t we?”

  We were never friends. “Where’s your wife?”

  Denny’s face fell. “So you heard about that. My God, I don’t know what I was thinking, marrying Marlie. It was a mistake. She’s just a kid.”

  “She’s woman enough to be having your baby.”

  He gave her a surprised glance, probably wondering how she knew. “Look, we were just having fun, then she turned up pregnant. Started crying about how she didn’t have anybody and how could she take care of a kid…”

  Annalee mentally rolled her eyes. She turned up pregnant. Good old Denny. As though he had nothing to do with it.

  “I felt sorry for her,” was his explanation. “I had a weak moment and said we could get married. It was a mistake. Hey, for all I know the kid’s not even mine.”

  Acid surged up her throat. Not only was he a clueless wreck, he was bad mouthing the mother of his child, a girl too young to realize what she was letting herself in for.

  Well, you picked him, too, Annalee, once upon a time. How smart does that make you?

  That was the killer.

  For two cents, she’d throttle him. Her fingers ached to close around his throat and squeeze. The bottle of juice was still in her hand. She could thump him upside the head with it. No. She needed something harder—a two by four.

  “You having trouble?”

  The voice jerked her back to reality. Eric, gorgeous Eric, dressed only in his boxer briefs, stood in the doorway. He eyed Denny dismissively then cast a look at Annalee. “Want me to get rid of him?”

  Her chest swelled. In his presence, she felt as mighty as an Amazon. “He’s leaving now.”

  Denny’s mouth gaped open in stupefaction. “Eric Sorenson?” he asked, as though he had a right to. “You’re sleeping with him?”

  “That’s it.” Eric stepped forward. “I’m throwing him out.”

  Annalee grabbed his arm and held him back. She could have told Denny none of your business. He had no right to ask her any questions. But oh, payback was so sweet.

  She slipped her arm around Eric’s waist, molded her body against his side while her former husband stared wide-eyed. That’s right, mister. You’re not the only one getting your swerve on. How do you like that, huh?

  “No, I’m not sleeping with him. We haven’t gotten any sleep at all, have we, Eric? We’ve been too busy screwing our brains out.” Eric went still beside her. Did her crudeness shock him? Yet she felt no remorse, only triumph that finally, finally, she was one up on Denny. And it felt good.

  Oh, who was she kidding? It felt fan-freaking-tastic.

  Denny’s puffery deflated. He sagged, like a balloon leaking air. “All right. I guess you’re entitled to a little fling after I left you.”

  “You didn’t leave me. I left you.” She shook, nearly blind with fury. The self-centered son of a bitch had no clue. He’d betrayed her, made a fool of her, and suffered no consequences. He’d continued his successful career, kept all his friends, and found himself a younger wife. His life went on without a bump while she, the old wife, had to put on a brave face and be the bigger person. Had to endure “friends” like Sandra clucking over her while carefully keeping their husbands at a safe distance. Had to suffer the sidelong looks of people wondering what she had done wrong, because after all, when a marriage failed it was always the wife’s fault.

  She stalked to the door, grabbed the knob, and flung it open. So much rage. She’d tamped it down, kept it bottled up, but now the cork had popped and there was no holding it back. “I put up with your lies and your crap for years. Yet you’ve got the balls to come here tonight and expect me to feel sorry for you. Well, the only one I feel sorry for is that poor little baby, having
a pathetic excuse like you for a father. Or should I say sperm donor. And Marlie, for being stuck with you and that pitiful little pecker you don’t even know how to use.”

  When she shoved him out the door, he wobbled on the top step. “You’re going to be a father. Go home. And while you’re at it, grow the hell up.”

  She slammed the door in his face.

  Chapter Five

  It felt so damn good, throwing Denny out of the house. Slamming the door on him. What a jerk, showing up unannounced and thinking she’d welcome him. And his affront when he found her with Eric. Unbelievable. As though he had any claim on her.

  When she turned toward Eric, she found him gazing at her with different eyes. As though he wasn’t sure he liked what he saw. “How did you know about his wife being pregnant?”

  The question threw her off-balance. “At the reunion. We met in the ladies’ room. I didn’t even know who she was at first. Then she and Dee got talking and—”

  “The reunion? Tonight?” His sharp tone startled her.

  “Yes, I—”

  “All right.” Eric shook his head, huffed a short laugh. “I get it now.”

  “What?”

  “Tonight. You went to the ladies’ room with Dee, and when you came back, you were all over me. You wanted to leave that minute. We came back here and went right to bed. Dumbass that I am, I thought you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”

  “What do you mean? Of course I wanted you.”

  “Really? Or did you just want to stick it to your ex?” He turned and strode back to the bedroom, leaving her no choice but to follow.

  “No.”

  “You found out this whatshername, Marlie, was pregnant, and you wanted to show him and the world that you didn’t give a damn. By taking me home and screwing my brains out. As you so nicely put it.”

  He picked up his slacks from the chair and stepped into them.

  “What are you doing?” She winced inwardly at her plaintive tone.

  “What does it look like? I’m getting dressed.” He pulled up his slacks and zipped the fly. “I’ve served my purpose, haven’t I?” He stopped then and looked at her. “That’s all this was, right, Annalee? One big old fuck you to Denny Donovan. Let me ask you something. Did you expect him to come by tonight?”

  “What?” How could he even think that? “No!”

  “You got lucky, then. It couldn’t have worked out any better if you’d planned it. Guess I was just a means to an end.”

  Annalee stared at him helplessly as he grabbed his shirt and jerked his arms into the sleeves. “I’m not in love with Denny.”

  “If you were in love with him, I could fight him fair. You’re in hate with him.”

  His accusation stole her breath. Was she?

  Her eyes burned, and her throat ached. No. Eric didn’t understand. He didn’t know how it felt, to love someone who smashed your love and left it bleeding like road kill. Chewed it up and spat it out like a piece of gristle. “That’s not true.”

  When he turned toward her, she instinctively stepped back, shocked by an anger she’d never seen in him before.

  “Then what is true? Is it true that you care about me? Is it true that you see me as anything more than a roll in the hay and a way to p-p-p—” He stopped abruptly when his lips refused to form the word. He took a long, deep breath, then continued. “A way to prove something to Donovan. You could have used anyone for that. I just happened to be there. I was convenient.”

  At last Annalee found her voice, but when she spoke, her lips were numb. “I care about you, Eric—”

  He snorted and rolled his eyes. “You care. Wow. Be still my frickin’ heart. You care. Well, guess what, Annalee? I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the night I brought you home from the prom.”

  She was stunned. What’s he saying?

  “It was the way you looked at me. How you treated me. I wasn’t just some stuttering little geek you felt sorry for. I thought you saw me, really saw me. The guy trapped inside.” A flush rose on his handsome face. “Pathetic, huh?”

  Annalee tried to swallow but couldn’t. Nor could she break away from the intensity of his gaze.

  “The kiss on prom night? That kiss kept me going for years.” Eric’s face was a mask, his voice a monotone. “I compared every kiss I ever received to yours. Every kiss. They all fell short.” He shook his head as though thoroughly disgusted with himself.

  “Eric…” His confession left her speechless. It was an amazing tribute. One she didn’t deserve. He was right. She was messed up. Angry and still bogged down in the past. What’s more, she had used him, to shore up her battered self-esteem.

  But he was wrong that “it could have been anyone.” It was only Eric she wanted. Only Eric who could have given her what she needed.

  “You asked me why I broke up with Katie. Well, you’re the reason. I couldn’t tell you before.” Though Eric spoke calmly, his face had the shuttered look of a man determined to hide bitter disappointment. “I didn’t want to scare you off.” He gave her a moment to digest that. “Nothing to say?”

  Only two words came to her. “I’m sorry.”

  As he exhaled, his shoulders slumped and his whole body sagged. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I thought I could—” He bit off the rest, as though afraid to say too much, then shook his head and stalked out of the room. A few moments later, the front door slammed.

  ****

  Eric had to pull over on the next block because he didn’t want to be responsible for an accident. He shook with anger as he cut the car’s engine and pounded the steering wheel with his fist. Goddamn it. What a mess.

  Once again, he was the stuttering kid all the grownups felt sorry for. The butt of all the playground teasing. “Hey, Suh-suh-suh-Sorenson.” The loser who couldn’t utter a simple sentence.

  He slumped back in the seat.

  He’d invented a fantasy about Annalee and expected her to fit right into it without even thinking about what she wanted. Real smart, Sorenson.

  What kind of idiot carries a torch for twelve years?

  You. You’re that idiot.

  Chapter Six

  “Good boy, Bobo.” The obedience lessons Bobo was attending with his owners, the Weissmans, were finally kicking in.

  The dog, who’d been walking politely at Annalee’s side, grinned at her and pranced at the praise. “Okay, okay, don’t get carried away.”

  Both Mr. and Mrs. Weissman were under the weather, which was why Annalee was exercising Bobo this evening. Hard to believe she’d actually missed the knucklehead when his people had returned from their cruise.

  October was gone, and it was well into November now. Definitely sweater weather.

  The sky to the west was a blaze of pink and orange as the sun began to set. She gave Bobo’s leash a little tug. “Come on, guy, time to head home.”

  She and Bobo crossed the park and approached the playground. Annalee smiled, remembering when she’d been here with Eric. The day he’d pushed little Marissa on the swing and she’d wondered how it would be to have their own Marissa.

  But the playground was deserted now. Too close to meal time. All the little ones were home, their moms and dads fixing dinner, setting the table, reminding their children to wash their hands. All part of the everyday routine of being a family.

  Her smile faded, and a wave of loneliness overcame her. Here, on the empty playground with only Bobo for company—and he wasn’t even hers—she felt very small and alone. She hadn’t spoken to Eric, hadn’t heard a word from him in over three weeks. Though she’d called and texted soon after he returned home, trying to apologize, he’d shut her down. He’d been cool and distant as he told her she had nothing to be sorry about. The chill in his voice had frightened her.

  She’d thrown herself into her job to keep thoughts of him at bay. There was no shortage of work between teaching, planning lessons, correcting homework, attending meetings, working on committees. But losing him
was like a toothache, pain that could be ignored for a while but never forgotten. A pain that kept her awake nights.

  Losing him, ha. You never had him in the first place.

  Eric had spoken the truth regarding Denny. You’re in hate with him. She’d never move on until she let the hate go. Maybe she’d never completely forgive him, but with luck—and help—she might find some kind of peace. With that in mind, Annalee had asked the school psychologist to recommend a good counselor.

  She was still ruminating when Bobo gave a small woof. He looked at her curiously. How long are we going to stand here?

  She sighed. “Sorry, fella. Let’s go.”

  She returned Bobo to his owners with a pat on his head and a promise to walk him the following evening if needed.

  As she descended the Weissman’s front steps, her cell phone rang. She fished it from the pocket of her jeans. It was Thom. “Hello?”

  “I’m at St. Vincent’s with Dee.”

  Icy fear swept through her, freezing her in place. “The hospital? What—what happened?”

  “She felt dizzy and started having contractions.”

  “Is she—do they know what’s wrong?” She clenched the phone with numb fingers. Stay calm. Stay calm.

  “Don’t know. The doctor’s with her now. Can you come? She’s asking for you.”

  “Of course. I’m on my way. I’ll call as soon as I get there.”

  She ran the rest of the way home, breathless by the time she got to her car. When she reached the hospital, she couldn’t remember making the drive over. Settle down. Dee and the baby will be fine. Your being a nervous Nellie won’t help anything.

  In the hospital parking lot, she texted Thom and he gave her Dee’s room number. They met in the hallway. Thom’s eyes were red, and his curly hair disheveled. His face was etched with worry and fatigue.

  “They say she’s dehydrated. They’re giving her fluids and some medication to calm the contractions. Physically, she’s feeling a little better, but she’s still scared out of her mind.”

  Annalee found it hard to swallow past the thickness in her throat. “How are you doing, Thom?”