Learn Me Good

by John Pearson

  There are two large bulletin boards on the walls. On the one at the back of the classroom, I spent about three days constructing a football field out of green and white butcher paper. I’m pretty proud of that accomplishment — it looks good. I even had someone take a picture of me standing in a Heisman Trophy pose in front of it. We’ll be using it (the board, not the picture) later this year to mark the kids’ progress in multiplication, and I’ll go into more detail when we start on that.

  Mrs. Jones, who is now our grade chair, used this room last year, and she was kind enough to leave a ton of her stuff for me. Not only supplies like crayons and markers, but also bulletin board cloth and wall posters. One of the items she bequeathed to me is a nice red recliner. This comfy chair sits in one corner of the room, and I’ll be working it into my system of prizes and rewards. As soon as I come up with a system, that is. At the end of each day, I come back to my room and just crash on that chair. It’s so wonderful. You really should look into getting a recliner installed in your cubicle. Sure, you might not have room for some other stuff, like your computer, desk, and file cabinet, but it would totally be worth it.

  Later,

  La-Z Boy

  Date: Thursday, August 28, 2003

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: 3rd and inches?

  Hey bud, OK, filling out the purchasing request form is certainly the first step towards getting your new cubicle armchair. Now you just have to convince Paul to sign off on it. Good luck, my friend.

  Something disturbing happened today. Or maybe it wasn’t really disturbing, and I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. Let me tell you what happened, and you can decide if I was wrong to be put off my stride.

  We have kids here who are termed ESL—English as a Second Language. Kind of like Jimmy in IT over on your end, except I think English is Jimmy’s THIRD language—right behind Visual Basic and Klingon. (Big Brother is probably reading this right now—Heya, Jimbo!) Anyway, for most of these ESL kids, Spanish is their first language. Some of them speak English quite well, while others still struggle over certain words.

  Of course, I should mention that I do have one boy in each class who does not speak any English at all. Christopher in 3E and Umberto in 3F. Thankfully, so many of the other kids speak English AND Spanish, and they can translate for me. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten most of the Spanish I learned in grade school, but I do remember a few articles of clothing and several food items (Yo quiero un pantelones con jelado, por favor!). I know that “La Quinta” means “Next to a Denny’s.” And of course I remember all of the dirty words that I learned from a foreign exchange student in 8th grade. I could never forget those. That knowledge will probably come in handy as a teacher, since the kids won’t be able to get away with cussing in another language. I do also know my numbers in Spanish up to about one hundred; I’ll have to try and learn them up to a million.

  But let’s return to my disturbing story. This girl named Jessica is an ESL student in my class. Today, the kids were working on stuff at their desks, and I was walking around overseeing. When I got to Jessica’s desk, she looked up at me and asked, “Mr. Woodson, how long are you?” OK, before you accuse me of reading inappropriate messages into a simple language barrier, let me continue. I figured she was probably just using the wrong word, so I tried to correct her by saying, “You mean how tall am I?” She replied, “No. How long are you? How big?” (Emphasis on “big.”) Well, I thought that was a bit odd, but I still thought she meant how tall, so I was opening my mouth to say “six-foot-four,” when she threw out a guess. And this is what turned the whole innocent conversation into a mess in my mind. Because her guess was not a guess of someone’s height, not even close. Even coming from a little kid, this was WAY too far off. Are you ready? Her guess was “Seven inches?”

  I will let you think about that one for a while, my friend. Am I over-reacting? Or should I be afraid, very afraid?

  Talk to you later,

  Tom Thumb

  Date: Tuesday, September 2, 2003

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: All things in moderation

  Hey pal, Yes, I agree that seven FEET would have been a legitimate guess, but she definitely said seven INCHES. I must have lived an INCREDIBLY sheltered life growing up. Was it just me, or did your parents wait until you were twenty before giving you the birds and bees talk? OK, so I’m exaggerating, but some of these kids seem to be way too familiar with certain topics.

  I learned a new term today — mobility rate. This refers to the tendency of students to enroll and withdraw here at the school. If the first couple of weeks of this school year are any indication, I am in for a real roller coaster. Last week, 3F got two new students, and I lost one from 3E. Also today, Raul told me that tomorrow will be his last day. I may have a whole new class by the last day of school!

  One child I’m sure will be around forever is Marvin. This kid is quite the character. He is always fooling around in class, and he seems to have a real knack for getting into trouble anywhere he goes. It might just be that he has THE worst case of Attention Deficit Hyper — hey! I love this new Linkin Park song on the radio! But like I was saying, Marvin has ADHD pretty darn bad. If he’s not careful, he may grow up to be just like Larry, and nobody wants that, right?

  This week, we’ve been reviewing how to count money. The kids get to play with these little plastic coins that look just like the real deal. Yesterday, Marvin asked me, “Before there were quarters, how did people clean their clothes?” It took me a few moments to understand what he was asking, but it finally dawned on me, and I replied, “I guess they just washed them in a river or in the bathtub, and not in a coin-operated laundry machine.” Thankfully, there were no follow-up questions about how people bought Dr. Pepper before there were dimes.

  It gets worse. This afternoon, Mrs. Bird, another third grade teacher, told me that when she went to pick her kids up from recess, Marvin was sitting atop one of her students, with his hands wrapped around this kid’s neck. When she told him to stop choking the boy, Marvin got up and calmly said, “But I didn’t choke him that hard!”

  Hey, I for one am proud of Marvin’s self-constraint. He obviously could have squeezed much harder, but in his mind that would have been wrong. It’s nice to know that he draws the line between good clean choking and actual trachea damage.

  I’m reminded of Mike Tyson’s historic words at an infamous fight — “But I didn’t bite THAT much of his ear off!”

  Only the third week of school, and already a kid has lunch detention. Joy.

  Talk to you later,

  The Boston Semi-Strangler

  Date: Thursday, September 4, 2003

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: Is that really appropriate?

  Hey Fred-wise, Yeah, if Marvin stays the course, then the next time I see you guys, I might be saying, “But my hair isn’t THAT gray!”

  Anyway, let’s move on. Every morning, we start the day with the same routine. The little munchkins come into the room, hang their backpacks up, go to their desks and start on the Problem of the Day. The Problem of the Day is a word problem on the overhead machine, and the kids take their spirals out of their desks, copy the word problem down and then go through the steps of solving it. I usually have a CD playing in the background, something that is soothing and relaxing. I find computation comes easiest when you’re listening to Drowning Pool’s “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,” or “Nookie,” by Limp Bizkit. Just kidding, it’s all instrumental.

  After Problem of the Day, we do Minute Math (we like our capitalization, by golly!). Minute Math is a sheet of forty addition or subtraction problems that the kids must work in a certain amount of time, which is a closely guarded secret. These are flash card type questions, i.e. 2+3, 5+1, designed to help the kids memorize math facts. Counting on your fingers is fine up to a certain age, but not when
the problem is 8+0. The fact that Larry still counts on his fingers is grounds for a whole separate discussion...

  So it’s usually the same routine every day. But not today. Today, while we were grading the Problem of the Day, this lady came into my classroom, saying she’s from the district. She told me that she was trying to see who needs glasses, and to make sure that they get their eyes checked.

  So she made an announcement to the entire class, stressing the importance of taking care of your eyes, and then she asked who was having trouble seeing the overhead from their desks. A couple of the kids raised their hands. Then I guess she didn’t see enough hands for her satisfaction, and felt that some kids might not WANT to wear glasses, so she made her pitch, and I quote:

  “I think glasses are SEXY!” At that, there were a few nervous giggles, and several of the kids shot looks my way that seemed to ask, “Did she really just say that?” Thomson, who already wears glasses, assumed a look that was equal parts belligerent, cocky, and confused.

  Am I being a prude here, or was this lady out of line? Should you really use the word “sexy” around eight- and nineyear-olds? It’s like airing a commercial for Bacardi rum in the middle of an episode of Sesame Street. (Today’s episode is brought to you by the letter B and the number 151!) Couldn’t she have substituted the word “cool” or “stylish” or “pimpin’?” Well, maybe not that last one, but surely there is a better option. Am I the only one that gets a little uneasy with the thought that this woman is going around to schools telling third-graders (and who knows, maybe even first graders!) that they too can get their schwerve on by donning a pair of spectacles?

  What do you think would happen if you went out to Boston to meet with a customer, and Ron Philby tried to make sales by opening discussions with, “I think heat pumps are SEXY?”

  Lady, there is a time and a place, and this ain’t it. Oh, and speaking of inappropriate, Nancy keeps emailing me and asking how long I am. Thank you SOOOO much for passing that story on to her... Doesn’t she have phone calls to make? She IS still in customer service, right?

  Later,

  Right Said Fred

  Date: Monday, September 8, 2003

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: Flip flops and a simple science lesson

  Hey bud, I’m truly sorry to have offended you if you really do think heat pumps ARE sexy. Maybe when you and Philby go up to New York next week, you can bring a Barry White CD and a few bottles of Boone’s Farm to help you boost sales...

  I have to tell you about a phenomenon that I have witnessed a lot of from these kids since I have been here, and that is something I like to call flip-flopping. If the kids are unsure of an answer during open discussion, they will often change it without really even thinking about it. For instance, I can ask someone, “How many nickels are in one quarter?” and he will say, “Five.” I can then say, “Are you sure?” and he will frequently respond with, “Um, four?” I’m trying to get my kids away from guessing, but I find myself struggling to convince them that “Are you sure?” does not mean “Wrong! Try again!”

  This new boy Esteban takes flip-flopping to a whole new level. He changes his answers, but he yells out each response with absolute certainty that he’s correct this time. Here’s a typical conversation with Esteban:

  Me: In the number 4,318, what place value does the 8 have?

  Esteban: HUNDREDS!!

  Me: Are you sure?

  Esteban: ONES!!!

  Me: Are you s—

  Esteban: TEN THOUSANDS!!!!!!

  Me: Esteban, stop screaming! And not only does he shout, but he punctuates each response with a jab of the finger in the air in a gesture that clearly states, “YEAH! Nailed another one!”

  I also had the opportunity today to show the valuable uses of science and knowledge of how things work. As you might have guessed, it can get quite hot out in these portable classrooms, so I’ve told the kids that they can bring water bottles to class. They are not allowed to drink soft drinks or juice in class, but water is fine. Many of them have taken advantage of this, and I have seen some interesting bottles. Sofia has one with a gigantic Scooby-Doo head on the top, and Ricky has some funky little foldable-straw bottle that takes him about two minutes to manipulate every time he wants a drink.

  This morning, some of the kids tattled on Jessica, saying that she had a bottle of Sprite. Sure enough, it was a green Sprite bottle, but Jessica insisted that it contained water.

  “OK, I believe you,” I told Jessica, and then I shook the bottle vigorously for several seconds. “But do me a favor and go ahead and open the bottle now,” I said. “If it’s water, you can drink a little, but if it’s Sprite, it’s going to spill everywhere, and you’ll have to clean it up. Oh, and you’ll have no recess for a week.”

  I handed the bottle back to her as she frowned. She made no move to open it. “Are you sure it’s water?” I asked her. Her eyes fixed on the floor as she said, “No, it’s Sprite.” I took the offending liquid back to my desk and we got on with the rest of our day. I’m such a softy though, I gave Jessica her drink back at lunchtime instead of drinking it myself.

  I’m just glad I didn’t have to do my little demonstration with Esteban, because I can imagine how that would have gone.

  “What’s in the bottle?”

  “IT’S WATER!”

  “Oh, really?”

  “IT’S SPRITE!!”

  “Sprite?”

  “IT’S MOUNTAIN DEW!!!”

  Sheesh. But you know, if at any time today Jessica had shouted out, “He blinded me...with SCIENCE!!” I probably would have given her an A for the year.

  Later,

  Thomas Dolby

  Date: Wednesday, September 10, 2003

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: In math class, no one can hear you scream

  Hey buddy, OK, I will concede that coming to class with a bottle of Sprite is better than coming to class with a bottle of Shiner Bock. However, both violate school policy — just to different degrees.

  Rose came in with glasses today, and they seem to be doing her a lot of good. Chalk up one success for the “glasses are sexy” lady! By the way, I had to laugh out loud when you told me that Larry has been using that line on all the ladies there at HPU. Pretty conceited of him seeing as how HE’S the one who wears glasses.

  Have you seen the movie Freddy vs. Jason? Yeah, didn’t think so. Me neither. But for some reason, this movie is huge with the third graders. The boys especially are always talking about it.

  It’s hard enough to get Nathan, the human pinball in my class, to focus and be productive. He’s constantly out of his seat, bouncing off the walls, and bothering the other kids. Now every other word out of his mouth is about Freddy vs. Jason.

  We were talking about fractions today. Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about comparing or reducing fractions yet, but the kids do have to identify parts of a whole when shown a picture. For example, “What fraction of squares is shaded?” I gave a little mini-lesson on the topic and then let the kids get busy on an assignment.

  I hadn’t even had time to turn off the overhead machine when Nathan was up out of his seat, walking over to me. He asked, “Mr. Woodson, have you seen Freddy vs. Jason?” Without missing a beat, I answered, “No, and I haven’t seen Nathan vs. Fractions, either.”

  Nathan stopped dead in his tracks with a look of surprise on his face, but it was replaced quickly with a laugh. “Ooooh, good one!” he said, and then he returned to his seat and got to work.

  So now I’m wondering... Would the pitch fly at DreamWorks or New Line? “From the people who brought you The Good, the Bad, and the Denominator — A tenacious third-grader...Four red balloons out of seven...There can be only one survivor...” (Cue shriek of terror.)

  Or better yet, let’s see if we can interest Russell Crowe in taking on the role of General Fraximus in “Numerator.” Might be a bit of
a tough sell, doing fractions with Roman numerals, but it would have one heck of a tag line.

  For those about to divide, we salute you! I’ll get working on the script, you come up with the dough, OK? Until then,

  May the Fourths be with you,

  ½-wit Johnson

  Date: Friday, September 12, 2003

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: Demon spawn, or something awfully close

  Hey bud, Wow, thanks for all the potential tag lines for our own personal Project Green Light: Nathan vs. Fractions. You guys really put some time and effort into that! Slow day at the office, I take it? My favorites were “Houston, we have a fraction,” and “Fractions...Why did it have to be fractions?” Raiders of the Lost Arc, very nice!

  I can’t believe even Larry got into the act! Tell him his suggestion — “What we have here, is failure to numerate” — isn’t bad, but most of today’s youth probably would not catch the reference.

  In a few weeks, we can do Planet of the Shapes — “Get your angles off me, you damn dirty polygon!”

  I got a new little girl in class on Wednesday. She is very strange. All day Wednesday and yesterday, she seemed comatose and unable to follow or even comprehend directions. I think now that I would have been a MUCH happier camper if only she had stayed in that semi-catatonic state.