Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

Dimly, I registered that Danny was now speaking to me.

  “Darcie? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  I met his eyes with a cold stare and watched his face drain of colour when he saw what I was holding.

  “Darcie, I - I can explain!” he stuttered.

  I glared at him, “Oh really?” I told him in a deadly whisper.

  Danny gulped and looked at me guiltily. “Please let me explain.”

  “No!” I shook my head. “How could you Danny?”

  He tried to put a hand on my shoulder but I shook him off and he retreated back to the other side of the table.

  “Well?” I fired at him. “How long have you known?”

  Danny hesitated. “From before Christmas – I always wondered about the flashbacks and why you never mentioned your father – I was curious so I did some digging.”

  “And you didn’t think to tell me? How could you betray me like that?” I threw him a disgusted look.

  “I wanted you to tell me in your own time. I know it was wrong to go behind your back but I wanted to help you so badly.” Danny said with a pained look on his face.

  “I didn’t ask for your help! Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I yelled at him, growing angrier by the second. “Part of me died that day and there’s nothing you can do to change that!”

  He looked at me intently before speaking. “Why do you do that?”

  I frowned at him. “Do what?”

  “Push everyone away.” Danny told me simply.

  I was a little stunned and when I didn’t say anything, Danny continued on.

  “Darcie, what are you so afraid of? Why do you shut people out?” He looked at me searchingly.

  “Because it’s easier that way!” I yelled at him suddenly and he looked taken aback.

  I took a deep breath to calm down and added, “And I don’t like feeling vulnerable.”

  Danny stared at me. “Being vulnerable is nothing to be ashamed of Darcie …it’s what makes us human.”

  I shook my head furiously. “No! Being vulnerable makes you weak – just like every other emotion … if you allow yourself to care, you only end up getting hurt.”

  Danny threw me a consoling look. “But there’s nothing wrong with caring –”

  “No!” I interrupted angrily. “I don’t want to care! You only end up getting hurt … and it hurts so bad that you can’t breathe. I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to feel at all! It’s just easier to shut everyone out … if you don’t care about them – you won’t get hurt!”

  Danny looked stunned. “But what about the people who care about you?”

  I shook my head. “They shouldn’t waste their time … I’m not gonna change. I can’t be fixed Danny!”

  I wiped ferociously at the tears that were falling down my cheeks and threw him a challenging look.

  “I’m not trying to fix you Darcie.” Danny told me softly, his eyes boring into mine. “But you have to realise that everyone’s a little bit broken and all they need is someone to help fill in the holes and cracks – that’s all.” he added with a sympathetic look.

  I stared at him. “It’s not always that simple. Why do you have to be the one to help me? It’s not like you know anything about what I’ve been through Mr I’m-so-happy-all-the-time!”

  Danny’s expression darkened and for a split second, I saw intense hurt in his eyes – he looked … vulnerable. However, his expression quickly changed and he stared at me.

  “Yeah Darcie, I wouldn’t know anything about it at all.” He told me rather coldly.

  I was momentarily confused by his sudden change in behaviour but I didn’t calm down at all.

  Instead, I overlooked his cryptic comment and continued yelling. “You lied to me! You went behind my back and betrayed my trust Danny!”

  Danny sighed heavily. “I know it was wrong and I’m not proud of it.”

  I threw him a dirty look. “Why did you do it?”

  Danny grunted in frustration. “Because I wanted to help you!”

  I threw him a cold look but didn’t say anything so he added, “But now I can see it was a waste of time.”

  As soon as he said those words, I could see the regret wash over his face but I merely threw him a disgusted look and ran out of the house before he could apologize.

  I ran to my mother’s car, quickly started the engine and Linkin Park’s ‘In the End’ blared to life as I took off like a bat out of hell. One quick glance in my rear-view mirror and I saw that Danny was following me. I quickly slammed my foot on the accelerator and smugly noticed that Danny’s car had fallen behind but what I didn’t notice was that I just ran a red light …

  What I didn’t notice was the minivan that was now charging towards me until it slammed into the driver’s side of my mother’s car …

  There was the sound of broken glass followed by a lot of screaming and a lot of pain before I eventually blacked out …

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “She’s back but her heart rate’s dropping again …”

  I was lying with my eyes closed and the voices were the only thing I could hear.

  “Some internal bleeding …”

  I managed to open my eyes and found myself on a boat – a very familiar looking boat. I quickly sat up at the sound of another voice – one I recognised this time.

  “Darcie, honey, you’re not supposed to be here.”

  I glanced around and saw my father – he looked exactly like he had on the day of the accident. He was wearing his old checked shirt, faded jeans and big green wellies. He smiled at me but I couldn’t talk – it felt like something was blocking my mouth.

  “Right leg’s broken, shoulder dislocated …”

  My father frowned at me. “This isn’t right. You shouldn’t be here.”

  “Fractured ribs …”

  I glanced at my father again and he threw me another smile. “I told you you were gonna be okay. I promised I wasn’t going to let anything happen to you.”

  “She’s fighting hard …”

  I felt very strange, almost weightless and my father was going in and out of focus … what was going on?

  “I still can’t believe it … she shouldn’t be alive right now …”

  My father smiled at me again. “It’s time for you to go back now.”

  “Heart rate’s stabilising …”

  I suddenly felt myself falling and I tried to yell out to my father but all he did was laugh.

  “It’s okay Darcie … let go.”

  “Vitals are improving …”

  My world went fuzzy again but I heard my father’s voice loud and clear.

  “I love you Darcie and I’m so proud of you. Goodbye … we’ll see each other again.”

  “Well, she’s out of the woods for now – anyone else wouldn’t have made it. She must have one hell of a guardian angel …”

  Beep … beep … beep …

  I vaguely heard the annoying sound as I lay with my eyes closed. I could smell the over-powering smell of disinfectant and I felt a dull pain in my right leg. I tried to open my eyes but I was finding it extremely difficult as they felt very heavy. My nose was also quite itchy but when I tried to lift my hand to scratch it, I could feel something pull at my skin.

  Groaning, I attempted to open my eyes again but when I managed to prise them open a little, all I could see was blurred whiteness. The sudden brightness gave me an instant headache so I quickly closed my eyes and vaguely wondered why I was now starting to hurt all over.

  Then suddenly, I remembered everything. The memories were hurtling at me in a jumble of images … the fight … the car crash. My eyes jerked open and I started gasping for air. That’s when I heard my mother’s concerned voice.

  “Darcie! Oh my God! Honey, are you okay?”

  My eyes flickered around the room until my gaze landed on my worried-looking mother. She rushed over to my side, tears in her eyes, and kissed my forehead.

  “Oh honey, thank God
you’re okay. I’ve been so worried about you. Do you remember what happened?”

  I tried to nod but it hurt too much so I attempted to speak.

  “I – I think so.” I managed to croak out.

  My mother’s face relaxed a little but there was still pain in her eyes.

  “I thought I’d lost you … I didn’t know what was going to happen …” She trailed off, a haunted look etched on her face.

  I attempted to smile but even that hurt. Instead, I decided to ask the question I had been dreading since I woke up.

  “Mum … what’s the damage?”

  I watched my mother throw me a wary glance.

  I sighed. “Tell me … I can handle it.”

  She sighed heavily. “Okay. You’ve broken your right leg pretty badly and cracked a few ribs. Then there’s your dislocated shoulder and a surprisingly mild concussion.”

  I breathed in slowly before speaking. “Not too bad then.”

  I attempted a chuckle but the movement disturbed my tender ribs. I winced and then looked at my mother curiously.

  “Hey, what did you mean by ‘surprisingly mild concussion’?”

  My mother laid her hand on top of mine and gave me a weak smile. “The doctors were genuinely puzzled by your injuries.”

  “Why?” I frowned at her.

  “Well,” my mother began but then hesitated a moment. “It’s really quite strange. The paramedics had to cut you out of the car. They couldn’t believe that you were still alive since it was crushed so badly …”

  She trailed off, a faraway look on her face for a second before she continued.

  “I mean the truck hit you directly on the driver’s side. The impact alone should’ve killed you but it didn’t. The paramedics said it’s a miracle that you’re alive at all … never mind the fact that your injuries are mild compared to other cases they’ve seen.”

  We exchanged soulful looks and both remained silent for a few minutes before my mother spoke again.

  “When they brought you in … you – you flat-lined for a few minutes until they managed to bring you back.”

  I avoided my mother’s gaze as the words ‘It’s time for you to go back now’ echoed in my ears … was it even possible? I frowned to myself and contemplated the possibility that I was actually going crazy.

  However, in the jumble of memories that had come flooding back when I woke up, the ‘meeting’ with my father was the one that had stuck out the most. I didn’t tell my mother any of this but I was seriously beginning to believe that maybe it hadn’t been just a dream after all …

  After my chat with my mother, I dozed off again and woke up to find a doctor looming over me.

  “Ah, Ms Gilmore – it’s good to see you looking so alert. I’m Doctor Kennedy.”

  “Darcie.” I told him as I threw him a half smile.

  He smiled and checked the clipboard he was holding before he spoke again.

  “You are a very lucky young woman Darcie. I’ve seen worse injuries from less serious accidents – I’d say you’re very fortunate to only have a few broken bones considering the severity of your car accident.”

  I nodded. “So I’ve heard. Well, how soon can I get out of here?”

  Dr. Kennedy consulted his clipboard again. “Well, in the past 48 hours since you were brought in, you’ve made a significant improvement. However, I’d be happier to keep an eye on you for a few more days – those ribs of yours will need to be checked on quite frequently.”

  I didn’t even try to hide my disappointment. “Aw really?”

  Dr. Kennedy smiled. “I’m afraid so. But it might be earlier if I’m pleased with your progress.”

  I grinned at that, even if it was quite painful.

  Dr. Kennedy chuckled. “Don’t get your hopes up too much – you have several broken bones after all.”

  I nodded. “I know but at least there’s the possibility!”

  He laughed and checked me over before he left the room, satisfied with the results.

  Sighing, I noticed that my mother had disappeared but when I realised that it was around lunchtime, I figured that she was at the canteen. Slightly bored, I looked around the room for something to amuse me and it was then that I noticed Harriet standing in the doorway.

  “Hey,” she began with an apprehensive look on her face. She slowly made her way over to my bedside.

  “How you feeling?”

  “Oh fine – not like I was in a car crash at all!” I told her with a smirk and I watched as she visibly relaxed.

  “Well I see your sense of humour is still intact so you must be okay.” She smiled at me and then added, “Seriously though, when I found out about the accident, I was flipping out.”

  I managed to give her a half shrug. “Well I’m here – a little damaged – but I’m fine all the same.”

  Harriet smiled and then asked. “Has Danny came by yet?”

  “I dunno.” I told her honestly. “I’ve only been conscious for a few hours in the last two days. Why?”

  Harriet suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Well, he was the one who told me about the accident. Did you know he followed the ambulance here and stayed in the waiting room with your mum the whole time you were in theatre?”

  I shook my head but didn’t say anything, I wanted to know more.

  “Well he did.” Harriet continued. “When he knew you were gonna be okay, he came by to tell me what had happened.”

  “Was he okay?” I asked curiously.

  Harriet shook her head. “Darcie, I’ve never seen Danny look so freaked.”

  Her face looked haunted as she continued.

  “He was a total mess. I honestly don’t know how he managed to stay calm when he was waiting with your mum but when he got to my house … I’ve never seen him look so terrified.”

  I frowned at her and was about to speak when she stopped me.

  “No, let me finish. Danny totally lost it … he kept saying that it was all his fault … he wasn’t making much sense really. But he was really upset and when he told me that you’d flat-lined during surgery – the look of pain on his face is something I will never forget.”

  I nibbled on my lip – I was afraid to hear any more but I had to know. “Is he okay now?”

  Harriet shrugged. “I think so – when he knew for definite that you were gonna be fine, he seemed to calm down. I haven’t seen him since though.”

  “Yeah, well before the accident, we had a fight – a big one.” I admitted to Harriet, she suddenly looked shocked.

  “But I thought you guys were really starting to get along and everything.”

  I nodded. “Yeah but some of the things we said were pretty ugly.”

  Harriet gasped. “Now it all makes sense! He was probably afraid he wouldn’t be able to apologise for whatever he said to you.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, well I need to apologise to him too. If you see him, can you tell him to come by?”

  She nodded. “Sure, I’d better get going anyway – Samuel’s meeting me soon.”

  I smiled. “Thanks … for everything.”

  Harriet smiled and left the room, leaving me with a thousand confusing thoughts about what she had told me about Danny.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I was finally allowed to leave the hospital three days later. Dr. Kennedy was happy enough to discharge me but told me to take it easy. He also informed me that my leg should be healed in about six weeks and my ribs and shoulder would be better in about a month. Overall, I was just glad to be going home.

  However, my only gripe was that I hadn’t heard from Danny at all. Harriet had called in a few more times but when I asked her about him, she said she hadn’t seen him all week. I was really annoyed about this and had promised myself that I would phone him the first chance I got.

  So, when I arrived home, I charged up my mobile (it had somehow survived the crash too) and dialled Danny’s number. After a few rings, he picked up.

  “We need to talk.” I told him befo
re he had the chance to speak. “I want to meet up. When can you call by my house?”

  “Um, I suppose I could be there in fifteen minutes,” came Danny’s reply. “I’ll see you soon.”

  I hung up, relieved that he would be here soon. Frankly, I was glad that he was able to come by so quickly, but then I realised that it was Sunday so he wasn’t likely to be busy anyway.

  Fifteen minutes later and I saw Danny’s car pull up. My mother let him in and left us alone in the living room so that we could talk. My first thought was that he looked terrible. He didn’t meet my eyes but sat down on the couch beside me.

  “Hey,” I began, breaking the silence. “No offence but you look like crap.”

  Danny met my gaze then and smirked. “Thanks. I’m glad the accident didn’t seem to affect your glittering personality.”

  I chuckled at him. “Yeah, I’m very lucky! Seriously though, how are you?”

  Danny looked at me as if I was crazy.

  “How am I? Seriously – that’s what you wanna know? How are you? You’re the one who’s been through hell.”

  “Sore.” I smirked. “No, I’m fine. A bit banged up but apparently I’m very lucky to be here right now so I can’t complain.” I threw him a grin but he didn’t return it.

  Instead, I watched as Danny stared at me for a few seconds. His expression was odd … he looked troubled.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, a little alarmed by his behaviour.

  Danny nodded. “Yeah, it’s just I – well to be honest – I’m having a hard time erasing the image of you being pulled from that horrible wreckage …” He trailed off, shuddering slightly at the memory.

  “Oh.” was all I managed to say.

  Danny held his head in his hands but continued to speak. “I – I haven’t been that scared in a few years. I thought you were already …” He trailed off and I saw that he was shaking all over.

  I didn’t say anything; I just let him keep talking.

  He took a shuddering breath.

  “Yeah, anyway, when I got to the hospital, I had to keep it together when your mother arrived … but inside, I was a mess. I was torturing myself about what if you didn’t make it and the last thing I said to you was so horrible – it was driving me nuts.”