Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  “Hey,” Danny began, lightly turning my head back to face him. “There is no doubt in my mind that you can do it. I know you can do it, so does your mother and even Harriet! We all believe in you Darcie but that doesn’t mean a damn thing if you don’t believe in yourself!”

  I nodded. “I know but I just want to do my father proud.” I admitted sadly.

  Danny pulled me into a hug so that the water slopped noisily around us and said, “Darcie, you’ve done him proud already! You overcame your fear of water and I think that’s a far greater achievement than some competition.”

  He let go of me and I gazed at him, mesmerised by his ability to say the right thing at exactly the right moment.

  “But hey,” he continued while I stared at him. “If the competition’s that important to you, I’ll do everything I can to help you kick every other swimmer’s ass!”

  I let out a hearty chuckle and smiled at him. “Thanks.”

  He then grinned that adorable uneven grin and said, “No problem. Now, come on, we’ve gotta get outta here before Ms Greenly decides to revoke my after-school pool privileges!”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  The rest of the week flew in and I was starting to feel better prepared for the competition. Danny and I had trained continuously over the course of the week and, in the end, I had to tell my mother what I was doing. Of course, she had gone nuts but when I told her that Danny was overseeing my every move, she relaxed a little.

  So, with my training turning out to be the worst kept secret ever, I was starting to feel nervous. The competition was looming closer and I was afraid that I wouldn’t live up to everyone’s expectations, now that they knew that I was definitely taking part.

  Now, with one week left to prepare for ‘A Thousand Leagues’, I feared that it wouldn’t be long enough. Also, having to contend with my ever-growing feelings towards Danny didn’t help. I was now spending the majority of my time with him and I was finding it increasingly difficult to hide my attraction to him.

  On more than one occasion, I had found myself staring at him longer than necessary. I was careful not to let Danny catch me but I think he must have noticed at some stage, as he would frequently get this smug little smirk on his face. When this happened, I would be reminded of how infuriating he could be and would question why I even liked him in the first place.

  However, this week, I was determined to focus on the issue at hand – getting ready for the competition. I wanted to win and I wasn’t going to let a thing like my attraction to Danny stand in my way. I could ignore my feelings for him for one week – couldn’t I?

  Monday morning started off well in regards to my whole ‘ignore my feelings for Danny’ plan. We were half an hour into the lesson and I had managed to ogle him only once!

  Yeah! Go me!

  “Hey, Gilmore!” came Danny’s voice, interrupting my silent victory. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded. “I’m fine – just thinking about different winning strategies for next week.”

  Danny nodded slowly – I don’t think he bought my lie – but he smiled at me nonetheless.

  “Okay, that’s the spirit! Now, do the backstroke one more time and see if you can beat your previous time.”

  I pushed myself through the water with as much force as I could muster and felt the burn in my muscles as I willed myself to go faster. When I finished the laps, I was out of breath but, judging by the triumphant look on Danny’s face, it was worth it.

  “You did it!” he yelled excitedly. “You beat your last time!”

  Grinning, I punched the air victoriously and continued to gaze at Danny until I saw that sly little smirk again.

  Ugh, he can be so damn arrogant!

  I suddenly felt very annoyed and the next thing I knew, I was shouting at him.

  “What the hell is with that?” I roared. “What is with that smartass little smirk?”

  Evidently, I caught Danny off guard since he looked extremely shocked. He walked around the edge of the pool until he was looking down at me. “Darcie, what are you talking about?”

  Furious, I pulled myself out of the pool and faced him, “You know what I’m talking about!” I fired back.

  I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I wasn’t mad at Danny but somehow I couldn’t stop yelling at him. To be honest, I was probably angry with myself for not having the guts to tell him how I really felt.

  Danny stared at me, utterly perplexed. “Wow, Darcie! What’s going on?”

  “Why do you always have that little knowing smile on your face when you catch me looking at you?” I asked crossly.

  Danny sighed and looked thoughtful for a moment; he looked like he debating about what to say. Finally, his face twisted in frustration.

  “Do you ever think about New Year’s?” he suddenly blurted out.

  I reeled back at that and was silent for some time before I managed to speak again. “What?”

  “Do you ever think about that kiss?” he prompted.

  I decided not to answer that. “You never answered my question.” I told him, playing for time.

  “You haven’t answered mine!” he shot back.

  “I – what – why are you asking me this now?” I managed to stutter out.

  Danny heaved a sigh. “Because I need to know.”

  “Why?” I asked timidly, unnerved by the sudden intensity of the conversation.

  “Look Darcie, let’s stop playing games. Just for one second, let’s be honest with each other. I’ll go first, okay?”

  I didn’t know what else to do so I just nodded.

  Danny gave me this piercing look and then burst into speech.

  “Darcie, I think about that kiss all the time. Every single time I look at you, it’s replaying in my head, over and over again. Tell me you don’t think about it too!”

  “I – you – what do you want me to say Danny?” I asked wearily.

  “I want you to admit that the reason why you’ve been staring at me is because you’ve finally realised that you feel about me, the way I feel about you!” Danny exclaimed loudly.

  “Danny, I …” I trailed off, knowing that I would never find the right words. I stared at him, willing myself to say something but I couldn’t.

  Danny sighed. “Darcie Gilmore, from the moment I laid eyes on you in that bookshop, I knew that you were gonna change my life. Yes, I know that sounds corny but it’s true. I was intrigued by you and even more so when you rejected me not once, but three times. I admired you for it.”

  He paused for a second as I stood there dumbfounded, trying to take it all in. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and continued.

  “Look, after Josh died, I felt empty. I used my cockiness as a defence mechanism but you were the first person to call me on it. I started falling for you right then – that day in the café. Then everything changed. I found out about your past and just wanted to help. I knew exactly how you felt and I told myself to back off – you needed a friend and nothing more. However, our lessons together made it very hard for me to ignore how much I really liked you. But, I managed to cope with staying in the background – well, right up until the little slip-up on New Year’s Eve.”

  Danny heaved a sigh and then spoke again. “After it had happened, I was worried that I’d freaked you out so I decided to play it cool and laugh it off. Then there was the accident and I realised just how deeply I cared about you. Still, I kept my distance but that day you finally trusted me enough to tell me the truth about your past, it changed everything.”

  I was startled to see that Danny was shaking slightly but I didn’t interrupt him, I just let him continue.

  “That was the day that I finally realised that I was in love with you.”

  I stood, shell-shocked at what I had just heard. Danny was staring at me, waiting for a reaction, but I didn’t know what to do.

  I decided to attempt to speak at least. “I – Danny …”

  I trailed off and looked away from him. I looke
d back at him and felt terrified. Could I really tell him how I feel now?

  “I – I’m sorry, I – I can’t seem to find the right words.” I told him eventually.

  Danny looked both disappointed and annoyed. He sighed heavily. “It’s okay, I understand.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t be like that Danny.”

  He waved me off. “Pretend I didn’t say anything, okay?”

  “I –”

  “No!” Danny said abruptly, cutting me off. “Forget it. I think we’re done here.”

  I nodded sadly and watched him walk away. I could tell that I had hurt him deeply and I regretted that immensely. If I was being honest, I was actually quite disgusted with myself for not being able to tell him the truth but I vowed that I would … eventually.

  Sighing heavily, I made my way back to the changing room and took my time getting ready. Yes, it was quite childish avoiding Danny, but I thought it would be best if we weren’t around each other right now.

  When I left the Sports Wing, Danny was nowhere to be found. It looked like he’d had the same idea that I had had. Feeling quite miserable, I made my way to the locker area and wondered how I was going to fix this. When no bright ideas sprang to mind, I told myself to forget about it and dwell it on later. I was sure that I would find a way to fix it … I had to.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  For the rest of the day, I never saw Danny – not even in P.E. Remorse chewed away in my stomach. I didn’t like how we had left things but I also wondered if he was still going to help me train for the competition.

  When I arrived home, I decided to send him a text message to see if he would reply.

  ‘R we stil on 4 swim 2moro morn?’

  I held my breath as I waited for him to reply.

  A few minutes later and my phone buzzed. The knot in my stomach twisted again and I was afraid to look at the screen. Finally, I took a deep breath and sighed in relief as I read his reply:

  ‘Yes cu @ 7.30’

  Feeling a little happier, I quickly devoured my dinner and retired to my room. However, my mind was still dwelling on Danny’s declaration that he was in love with me and I was still finding it hard to comprehend.

  Shrugging off my negative thoughts, I decided to go to bed. Maybe, just maybe, I would wake up and discover it was all a dream …

  My lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs. I was choking while I screamed out for help and I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me and hear someone comforting me.

  “Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

  I woke up gasping for air. Glancing at the clock, I groaned when I read that it was 5.34am. The nightmare was still fresh in my mind and I couldn’t stop shaking. I slowly sat up and tried to steady my breathing. After a few minutes, I felt calmer but there was no way that I could go back to sleep now.

  Sighing, I made my way to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. I had hoped that it would make me feel better – no such luck. Instead of soothing me, the scalding water reminded me of the pain that I had caused Danny yesterday and I felt ashamed. Why did I insist on torturing him with my inability to express my feelings? It’s not as if I meant to hurt him but that’s all I seemed to be capable of lately.

  Cursing myself, I changed into something comfy and packed my swimming kit. It was too early to meet Danny at the pool but I felt like I needed time alone to think so I decided to take a walk. There was a long route to school that I knew of but had never taken, however, today was the day that was about to change.

  For three quarters of an hour, I walked. I forced myself not to think about Danny, the competition, or anything else that had been bothering me over the last few days. Instead, I concentrated on my breathing and just enjoyed the scenery around me.

  When I eventually arrived at school, I felt ready to face the day ahead – or more importantly, Danny. I made my way to the Sports Wing and found Danny already there. He was swimming laps in the pool with such aggression that I felt quite scared.

  However, when he noticed me standing by the pool, he finished his last lap and pulled himself up out of the water.

  “Morning,” he said, perfectly politely. “Have you warned up yet?”

  I shook my head and instantly started stretching while Danny set up the iPod dock.

  Was I living on some sort of parallel universe? How could he not mention what had happened yesterday?

  Shrugging off these thoughts, I jumped into the pool and waited for Danny’s first instruction. He glanced in my direction and then hit ‘play’ – The Foo Fighters’ ‘Best of You’ blared to life. He gave me a small half smile and then jumped back into the pool, thus commencing our training session.

  An hour later and I was starting to freak out about Danny’s eerily normal behaviour. Throughout our lesson, he never mentioned yesterday’s conversation once. He had acted like his usual self and it was as if nothing had ever happened. While I found this quite bizarre, I was also quite relieved – the atmosphere between us wasn’t as awkward as I had thought it would be.

  Nevertheless, even though I was following his example and continuing about my day as normal, I was dying to patch things up between us. If only my stupid emotions wouldn’t get in the way and I could say the right thing.

  Frustrated at myself, I vowed to speak to him by the end of the week. I had to tell him how I felt. I just knew that I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t. So, now that I was armed with a plan, all I had to do was find the right words. Easy!

  Yeah, right!

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Friday was upon me before I knew it and I still wasn’t prepared. It was 7.30am and I was in the pool, warming up while I waited for Danny. My mind kept running over different scenarios about what I would tell Danny but so far, none of them seemed conceivable.

  Sighing heavily, I swam a few laps and with every stroke, I grew more and more annoyed with myself. When I thought back to what I had achieved over the past year, it was practically laughable that I found it impossible to say three little words to the guy I cared about most.

  Suddenly, Danny arrived and (apparently oblivious to the fact that he had interrupted my internal turmoil) yelled for me do as many laps of the pool as I could in two minutes. I did as he instructed and was pleased to find that I was faster than I had been earlier in the week.

  Danny congratulated me with that killer lopsided grin and that’s when I lost it. I dragged myself out of the pool and marched over to him. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Oi!” I yelled rather crossly and he looked at me in alarm.

  “Oh, what now Gilmore?” he asked, shaking his head in exasperation.

  “Where do you come off, huh?” I asked crossly, poking him in the chest.

  “Darcie, what the hell?” Danny frowned, looking both confused and slightly amused.

  “You,” I began, pointing my finger at him. “You’ve been driving me crazy all week, and I can’t take it anymore!”

  “Huh?” Danny looked rather pissed now. “I’ve been driving you crazy? Really?”

  I nodded. “Yes! What’s with the whole ‘act like nothing happened’ thing?”

  Danny sighed. “What’s your problem Gilmore? I poured my heart out to you and got nothing in return so I moved on. What’s wrong with trying to forget it ever happened?”

  I grunted in frustration. “Argh! You don’t get it, do you? I’ve been torturing myself all week about it and you just don’t seem to give a shit! I feel awful that I hurt you!”

  Danny narrowed his eyes at me. “Is that so? Tell me Gilmore, is that what’s really bugging you … or is something else?”

  “Like what?” I challenged.

  He shrugged. “You tell me.”

  “Argh! I’m mad myself, okay?” I admitted, somewhat reluctantly.r />
  “Why?” Danny enquired, a small smirk playing on his lips.

  “Because I don’t know to tell you that I love you too, okay?” I yelled angrily.

  Danny let out a low chuckle. “I think you just did.”

  It was then that I flung myself forward and kissed him.

  A few minutes later and we managed to tear ourselves away from each other.

  Danny stared at me, looking quite dazed and said, “Now, what was so hard about that?”

  I smiled sheepishly at him. “Yeah, well I was never any good with words. It seems that I can only express myself when I’m feeling highly emotional – or angry!”

  “Well, could you say it again? Please?” He looked at me pleadingly.

  “Fine!” I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Danny Fletcher, from the day I met you, I thought you were an arrogant ass. You infuriated me and got under my skin. I wanted nothing to do with you and prayed that you would give up on me but you never did.”

  I swallowed hard and ploughed on. I had no idea where these words were coming from but I knew that if I stopped now, I’d never get them back.

  “I didn’t understand your fascination with me and frankly, I was terrified. When my father died, I didn’t want to feel pain like that ever again, so I vowed to build up barriers to prevent me from getting hurt. However, you somehow managed to put a little dent in that wall – you and that adorably crooked smile of yours! You were there for me and slowly, I started to feel alive again.”

  My voice cracked on the last word and I paused, trying to compose myself before I attempted to continue.

  “No matter how badly I treated you, you stayed right by my side. When you told me about Josh, I realised that I’d been wrong about you. You knew how I felt and I didn’t feel so alone anymore. The crack in the wall got a little bit bigger. Then, you were so patient while you helped me train for the competition – that was when I felt like I could trust you.”