by Marisa Logan
“Tina are you alright, what's wrong?” I felt awkward because I couldn't tell her the truth or she'd hate me forever.
I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug back, “Jessie, I can’t tell you what's wrong right now because I don’t understand it myself. Today has been such a confusing and life-changing day. I don’t know how you’re coping.”
Once Jess calmed me down, she got serious. “I’m not coping very well actually. In fact I’m really freaking out, wondering if I made the right decision. Sometimes I envy you, staying single and living the fun life. I don’t know what's going to happen. Steve and I didn’t even make it through our wedding day without pissing each other off.”
“Jessica, you can’t honestly think I’ve been living it up being single and having fun. I’ve been focusing on school and working, and I never realized it until tonight, but I’m totally miserable. I want what you have, a man who I to love and to be loved back. I have to know why you're with Steve. Do you love him? Or are you with him because he's willing to take care of you and spoil you?”
Jessica took her time before finally answering. “I honestly don’t think I ever loved him, I just loved how he treated me. I'm the first to admit I’m a spoiled brat, and I liked that he let me do whatever I want. Now that we’ve been together for a while and we’re married, he wants me to mature and settle down. I think the whole reason he proposed was that he thought he could force me into family life. I’m not ready for that Tina, and I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m starting to think that I’ll never be the woman Steve wants me to be, and I’m okay with that because I don’t want to be that woman. I think we’ve both been fooling ourselves and each other this whole time. Oh well, I’m sorry for dumping this all on you, especially when you’re going through your own stuff. I’m just gonna go and think. I need to try and figure out what I want and if Steve fits into my future.”
As she walked away I blurted out, “I was looking forward to spending more time with both of you. But Jess, if you do decide Steve doesn’t fit into the future you want, you really need to tell him, because he’s trying to figure out how you feel. You need to know you're breaking his heart. By the way, what happened with that other guy you came up here with?”
She smiled and said, “I know I need to talk to him. If Steve expects me to settle down, get a part time job or take care of a bunch of rugrats, then no, you shouldn’t expect us to be together for long. The 'other guy', as you call him, is named Brock, and I tired him out. He’s in the room napping.”
Chapter 5
I went into my room, thinking about the implications of what Jessica had just said. I walked into the bathroom to wash my face. Staring in the mirror, I told myself that everything will be back to normal tomorrow and today will seem like a dream. I was too physically and mentally exhausted to get undressed, so I just collapsed on the bed. I couldn't turn my mind off though.
I started to wonder why I was covering for Jessica. All it would take was for me to go tell Steve what was going on in their bedroom and I could have him all to myself.
Then I thought about Jessica and our friendship. Even though she has always been terrible for the guys she was with, she was always a good friend to me.
Then I thought, 'What makes her such a good friend? She didn’t keep in touch after high school. The whole time we've been friends she's put me down and blew me off if I didn’t want to do what she wanted. But I didn’t keep in touch with her either. Am I just as bad of a friend as I’m starting to think Jessica is?’
I heard loud voices coming from the hallway. With my ear to the door I heard Jessica and Steve arguing. Steve accused Jessica of cheating on him on their wedding night. Jessica was yelling, blaming him for treating her like a child and not wanting to spend time with her.
When I heard a door slam, I slowly open mine and poked my head out into the hallway.
I saw Steve, standing in the middle of the hall staring at his room door. I walked out and grabbed his hand. He must have been taken by surprise because when I touched him he jumped. When he saw it was me, he smiled sadly and held my hand. I led him down the hall and to my room.
When we got there, I excused myself and told him to make himself at home.
I went in the bathroom to think about what I was going to say. On the one hand I truly thought we could have a happy life together if I just let him know how I felt. On the other hand, I didn’t know if I could live with myself knowing I betrayed Jessica’s trust. I decided that I would just sit with him and listen, and let fate by my guide.
When I opened the bathroom door, stepped into the hall and looked around the room and I didn't see Steve anywhere.
“Steve, where are you?” I was disappointed, thinking maybe he came to his senses and went back to his room. Then I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind. I put my hands on top of his, and took in a deep breath as I felt a soft pair of lips on my neck.
I reached back and placed my hand on the back of his head, urging him on. Slowly, he worked his way down my neck and kissed my collarbone, then down to my shoulder as he turned me to face him. He placed one hand on the small of my back, and the other on the nape of my neck as he pulled me into a passionate kiss.
I pulled away and looked at him. “Wait, what are we doing? You just got married! I was in the wedding. What was said out in the hall?”
Steve placed his hand on my face, and I involuntarily push into it, mentally begging him to never let go.
“Tonight I realized how wrong Jessica is for me, and she feels the same. I walked into our room and found her sleeping with another man. I freaked out and we got into a fight, which I’m sure woke the entire hotel. The best thing that came out of it is when you came out and took my hand. In that moment I realized that you are the one who is right for me. It’s always been you Christina.”
A huge smile broke across my face, and he smiled back.
I grabbed the back of his head with both hands and pull him back into a kiss. He held me tightly, and for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged to someone and they belong to me. He scooped me up in his arms, and placed his forehead on mine, looking deep into my eyes as he carried me across the room and placed me gently on the bed.
Hands began moving across me, discovering my body. My mind went to Jessica and suddenly I felt self-conscious. I stopped him and pulled back.
“Steve, I’ve wanted this for so long, but I’m scared. I’m not like Jessica, I’m…” He placed his hand on my face, stopping me mid-sentence.
“That’s why I want you so bad. I no longer want someone like Jessica. She’s a fake and everything she does screams that she only cares about herself. I’ve never felt so close to someone in my life as I do to you right now. I want you now in every way. I want to know your mind, your body, and your soul.”
“Let's turn out the lights, I would feel more comfortable.” He smiled and turned off the lamp, rolled back over, and put his arms around me. I could feel his breath on my hair as I held him close. I thought that if I could freeze time, I would be happy forever in that moment.
He started kissing my neck and as he worked his way down my breasts I stopped him.
“I’ve never done this before. I’ve never felt close enough to anyone before to do this.”
I felt a sense of relief when he stopped and laid his head on my stomach as I breathed deeply, trying to calm down. I caressed his hair as I felt his warm breath on my stomach.
“Christina, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I understand, this is a lot to process, but…”
I interrupted him, “I do want to, I just want to take it slow. I’ve wanted this for so long, but I feel like the moment is fleeting, and before we know it, it'll be gone. Right now I feel like Cinderella at the ball. You’re Prince Charming, and when the clock strikes midnight, it'll be over and I’ll go back to being nothing.”
He smiled, looked up at me and said, “But if you’re Cinderella and I’m Prince Ch
arming, that means that we’ll always be together and live happily ever after.”
I teared up, smiled back at him, and he kissed my stomach. He'd just promised me that he didn’t want anything else in this world other than for us to spend our lives making each other happy.
“Are you sure this is what you want Christina?”
I smiled, “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
In a moment of pure passion I looked in his eyes. “I love you so much Steve.”
“I love you t…”
KNOCK KNOCK
Chapter 6
I woke up suddenly, ripped out of my dream. It took me a few moments to realize where I was. I looked around, slightly relieved that what had happened was a dream. But I was also upset that I had felt happiness and comfort when I thought it was real. I sat up in bed and tried to figure out what woke me up, and then heard rapping at my hotel room door.
I threw my robe on before walking towards the door. When I get to the door I hear someone sniffling on the other side. I looked through the peephole and saw Steve.
“Wait a minute Steve, I’m not decent.” I said, buying myself some time to brush my hair and make myself look presentable.
I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My hair was a mess and I looked terrible without any makeup on. ‘He’s just here to talk. Who cares?” I thought to myself. Still, I brushed my hair and washed my face before going to let him in.
When I opened the door, Steve asked me if I had time to talk. “Of course, come in,” I said, letting him in my room.
I put my arm around him, and he buried his face into my shoulder, sobbing. I placed one hand on his neck and stroked his head with my other hand trying to comfort him.
“What happened?” I could feel him shaking his head against my shoulder. “Nothing really. It's just that after everything that's happened today, I’m so confused. My life is a wreck and I don’t know what to do to fix it. I’m married to a woman I don’t think has ever loved me. I don’t know if I ever really loved her either. I just don’t want to be alone. How pathetic do I sound right now?”
I pulled Steve over to the bed and took off his tux jacket. I laid him down on the bed and took off his socks and shoes, then laid down on the other side of the bed facing him. I placed my hand on his cheek and looked into his eyes for a moment. He smiled.
“Steve, your life isn’t a mess You don’t sound pathetic at all. You and Jess just seem like you are two very different people. All night I’ve been trying to figure out why you two have stayed together for this long. It isn’t really my place to say it, but you’re such a down to earth guy. But you have dreams for an awesome future, and Jess just doesn’t. You want the whole package, a wife, kids, house and a dog. I know how important those dreams are to you because I have them too."
I went on, "Jessica has never wanted that, and I doubt she ever will. She hasn’t changed since high school. She wants to party every night and spend money every day. She hasn’t ever had a job and doesn’t ever plan to. She said so herself tonight.”
“I know you’re right. I thought we had a good relationship and we fit so well together. Now we’re married and I realize nothing is further from the truth. I've barely even spoken to my new wife since the reception started. This is the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, and we couldn't even make it through our first night of marriage without it falling apart. Anyway that's enough about my troubles. I don’t even want to talk about my train wreck of a day right now.”
He brushed my hair away from my eyes and gently placed his hand on my face, “What about you Tina? What do you want out of life? After all these years, you’re still single. Have you ever been in love?”
I smile at him and said, “Of course there have been people I wanted. It’s just that there's never been anyone I could have. I hope one day I'll find someone who wants me as much as I want them. I believe that there is someone out there who will love me as much as I love them one day. That's enough to give me happiness. I'd love to spend some time traveling and writing about it. Maybe go to Paris, Rome, Athens, Moscow. I really would love to write love stories, but I'd need more experience to make that work. That’s one of the big problems with my dream. How can I write about love if I’ve never actually been loved? It doesn't make sense to fall in love with someone knowing that I don’t want to stay here, unless I found a man who wants to travel with me. Even if I found him, we'd have to have enough money to last until I started making money writing. ”
Steve's response took my breath away. “I would honestly love to do something like that. Take all the money I’ve saved up and travel. I don’t know what I would want to do while traveling. Like I said earlier, I'd love to write, but I would also love to paint or take photographs. I’ve always hated the thought that you spend a third of your life working to pay for things you don’t need, and then you only have another third of your life to even enjoy them. Why not do something you enjoy so it doesn't seem like work? I do know I wouldn't want to go it alone. Traveling is a much better experience when you have someone to share it with. Maybe you and I really should run away together. How long would it take you to pack?”
I was stunned, until he started laughing. I realized that the whole thing was a big joke, and even though I was completely crushed, I still force myself to laugh with him. Once we finally stop laughing, there is an awkward silence.
I forced out a big yawn, if for no other reason than to break the silence.
After a few moments he asked me if I minded if he stayed the night, and I said I'd love it if he did.
“I still don’t want to spend any time with Jessica. She hurt me so badly tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch of course. I just want to stay here with you. I feel so safe and happy when I’m with you.”
He started to get up, and I grabbed his arm. “Of course you can stay here, but I won’t let you sleep on the couch. You can stay on the bed with me, it’s fine.”
We laid in bed for what felt like hours, holding each other and telling each other stories about our childhoods. Steve excused himself to go to the bathroom and get a drink and asked if I would like anything.
“I'd love a soft drink if you wouldn’t mind getting me one.” He nodded and smiled at me, then walked out the door.
I used that time to go into the bathroom and quickly make myself look as nice as possible. I brush my hair it fell into little blonde wisps around my face. I pulled out my makeup bag and put on some eyeliner and blush, to make myself look prettier. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew what I wanted to happen. My mind I raced a million miles an hour telling me to stop being stupid, and that I'll never have Steve. My heart was telling me to do everything I could to have him.
When I looked and the mirror and liked who I saw looking back, I went and cracked open the door. He hadn't returned yet so I got back on the bed and looked at my phone, seeing that it was 2:45 in the morning.
I laid in bed thinking about my dream again. It was so real, I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever. That’s what I was hoping would happen when he comes back, but I wasn't naive enough to expect it.
I looked at the clock again and it had only been 2 minutes. I felt like he'd been gone for hours, and in reality it’d only been about 10 minutes. I picked up my phone and started playing a game to try and calm my nerves. When that didn’t work, I quit playing the game and put relaxing music on. I closed my eyes and let the music take me away.
When I opened my eyes again I looked at the phone and saw that it was 3:58am. I looked around for Steve, and when I didn’t see him, I was crushed.
I decided to stick my head out into the hall to make sure that Steve didn’t come in while I was asleep and leave again. When I looked down the hall I saw him sitting on the floor outside his door. I walked out, assuming that he was trying to get the courage to enter his room and make up with Jessica. I should have known I didn’t have a chance with him.
I walked up to him and stood there.
He looked up and smiled, but I could see tears running down his cheeks. “What’s happened Steve? Did you go in and talk to Jessica?”
“I did. I figured that we both deserved to know how the other was feeling so we could move forward from here, whether it be together or not.”
“And what did she say?” He looked down at the floor again and held up his hand to show me the wedding ring he was holding.
“She didn’t say anything, and she didn’t have to. She left this on the dresser. That told me everything I needed to know. Her clothes were gone, no note or anything. Did she say anything to you tonight about having second thoughts?”
I sighed, knowing that there was no point in trying to hide what I knew any longer. Jessica made her choice, and if she regretted it later she would have to live with it. I took Steve by the hand and led him back to my room.
Chapter 7
Once we were in the room I had him sit on my bed and told him I’d be right back. I went into the bathroom and grabbed a box of tissues. When I got back to the bed I sat down next to Steve and put the tissues between us.
“Steve, tell me how much you want to know, and what I should leave out. I spent a lot of time with Jessica when you first started dating, and there are some things that happened back then. There were also things said and done tonight that you may not want to know.”
He looked at me and said, “Christina, I want to know everything.”
So I started at the beginning. “The night we all met, there were a lot of men that caught Jessica’s eye, but none of them showed much interest in her. I was actually surprised by that, and so was she. So when you came up and asked her to dance she didn’t hesitate. All she wanted was fun, and I knew that she wouldn’t make a good companion. I thought you were the most handsome man I'd ever seen, and when you walked up I hoped you were coming to talk to me. I saw your piercing blue eyes, and part of me fell in love. Your hair was longer back then too, do you remember?” He chuckled and said he'd grown his hair out just to drive his parents nuts.
