Against the Wall

by Alexa Land

  “I’ll do it, just rest your leg.” I raised his foot carefully and slid out from under it, then opened each of the three panes of the big bay window a couple inches. “Hand me your coat and scarf, I’ll put them away for you,” I said, coming to stand beside him.

  Chance hesitated for a long moment, some sort of emotion welling up in his blue eyes. Finally he said, “Promise me you won’t overreact.”

  “To what?”

  He unwound the scarf from around his neck, revealing dark bruises against his pale skin. I could actually make out handprints where someone had tried to strangle him.

  “Oh my God, Chance!” I sat down right beside him, taking hold of his shoulders. They felt so thin and fragile under his clothes.

  “Remember two seconds ago when I made you promise not to overreact?”

  “Who did this to you? That guy from the bar?” He nodded and I said, “Tell me you went to the police.”

  “No. Why would I?”

  “Because he tried to kill you!”

  “No he didn’t. He just choked me as he was fucking me so he could get off.” Chance couldn’t look me in the eye. He was trying so hard to act like it was no big deal, but he couldn’t hide the fact that last night had rattled him. I drew him into my arms carefully, since I didn’t know how much more damage had been done to his body, and he sank into the hug even as he told me, “Quit it. You’re gonna make me cry, and that’s ridiculous.”

  “Why is that ridiculous?”

  “Because I’m stronger than this. I have to be! Yeah, last night got scary. That guy went way beyond what we’d agreed to and I couldn’t do anything about it because I was tied up. But I’ve been turning tricks for eleven years and have dealt with far worse.”

  I kept holding him, gently rubbing his back as I asked, “Eleven years? How old are you, Chance?”

  “Twenty-five.”

  “Oh God,” I murmured.

  He wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my shoulder. “Why do you care, about me, about any of this? You haven’t even known me twenty-four hours.”

  “Friendship isn’t measured in days, months or years, it’s measured in the way someone makes you feel. I knew you’d be a friend right from the start.”

  “I hoped you would be, too. I don’t really have a lot of friends. Thanks for giving me a chance.”

  I let go of him and we both grinned self-consciously. “Okay, enough of this Hallmark moment. You hungry?” When he nodded I said, “I’ll order us some dinner, you get comfortable.”

  I had way too much Chinese food delivered, just to make sure he had plenty of leftovers for later. We hung out into the evening, talking about famous photographers and their work, a subject he knew a lot about. It was probably about eight when we made plans to meet in a couple days and I said good night.

  Just go home, Christian, I told myself as I left Chance’s apartment. I never took my own advice though, even when it was really good, so instead I drove across town to Shea’s neighborhood. I didn’t know what I hoped to accomplish. I’d meant it when I’d said we couldn’t start something.

  And yet.

  I was undeniably drawn to him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I kept remembering the clean scent of his skin and the feeling of his hands on me and the taste of his lips and I wanted more, so desperately, with every part of me.

  Don’t start something you can’t finish. It might have been a cliché, but I lived by those words. It was my truth. I kept reminding myself of that as I drove across town. But I went anyway.

  Shea’s block was crowded, there was a party going on. I stopped in the street and looked up at his house. It was all lit up, full of life and people and laughter. His friends were celebrating his birthday. That made me happy.

  I pulled into an illegal space across the street and put the car in park, then rolled down the window and rested my crossed arms on the door frame. Music was playing, but it was too faint from here to recognize the song. I watched the big front window, wanting just a glimpse of Shea. I told myself that would be enough, just one last look and then I’d go home and work on thinking of anything but him.

  I was being ridiculous. I knew this. I sighed and put my chin on my crossed arms. What good would one last look do? If anything, it’d just make me want him more. Somehow, knowing that didn’t make me pull away from the curb, though. Minutes passed and still I sat outside his house. I didn’t want to leave, because at least I was close to him.

  “Parties are a lot more fun when you actually join in.”

  Shea’s voice was so close that it startled me. I sat up with a gasp, then stuck my head out the window and looked at him. He was leaning against the side of my Jeep, hands in his pockets, dressed in jeans and a blue and white striped button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled back. He offered me a little grin and I stammered, “Shit, sorry. I totally didn’t mean to stalk you. I just....” Just what? What the hell was I doing here?

  “You’ve been here for several minutes. Were you ever going to go up and knock on the door?”

  I shut off the engine and got out of the car. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Instead of answering, I gestured at the house and asked, “Why are you out here and not in there?”

  “My cousin and her kids left a few minutes ago. I walked them to her car. She had to park a few blocks away and I wanted to make sure they got there safely.”

  “Oh.”

  He took a couple steps toward me, stopping when we were maybe two feet apart, and asked gently, “What are you doing here, Christian?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “And if you had to guess?”

  I dropped my gaze to the asphalt. “I really don’t know why I came here, besides the fact that I’m an idiot. I can’t start something with you, but I can’t stop thinking about you, either.”

  He got a little closer, only a few inches separating us as he said, “I’m sure you have perfectly good reasons for not wanting to get involved with me. Do it anyway.”

  “You’d get hurt. It would be so unfair to you.”

  “I don’t care about that.”

  “Well, I do.”

  Shea said, so softly, “You want this as much as I do, Christian. I know you do. That’s why you couldn’t stay away.”

  I pressed my eyes shut, trying to find the strength to get back in the car. He got a little bit closer, still not touching me, but just barely. His warm, already familiar scent filled my senses. I managed, “Please go inside and forget I was this stupid, forget I came here.”

  “No.”

  I took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry.”

  In the next instant I pinned him against the Jeep, his face between my hands as I kissed him wildly, passionately. He cried out and grabbed me, his hands sliding under my ski jacket and pulling at my t-shirt until they reached bare skin. Every part of me responded, my body thrumming with need, demanding more, more, more as I ravaged his mouth.

  I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed my way across his cheek, then nibbled his soft little earlobe. He asked, his voice rough, “Why’d you apologize?”

  “Because you’re going to get so fucking hurt,” I whispered before licking his ear and sending a tremor through his body.

  “Totally worth it.” His hand slid down to cup my ass.

  We both jumped at a loud cat call behind us. I looked over my shoulder and found that we had an audience, most of the party guests spilling out onto the little front porch of his house or clustering in the big front window. As the crowd erupted into cheers, whistling and applause, he muttered, “Oh man,” and dropped his head onto my shoulder.

  I chuckled a bit, even though I felt myself blushing. “Well, damn. I kind of forgot where we were for a minute.”

  “Me too.” Shea straightened up and took a deep breath, then picked up my hand. “Want to come inside and meet almost everyone I know?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

&
nbsp; “I’m parked illegally. Besides, I haven’t even been home yet. I’m completely disgusting and really don’t want to meet people looking like this.”

  “You’re not disgusting.”

  “I really am. I can’t even take my jacket off.”

  “Why not?”

  I whispered, “Because your jizz is dried onto my t-shirt from this morning.”

  An embarrassed bark of laughter escaped him. “Okay, so maybe you do need to clean up a bit. Come inside and I’ll take you straight up to my bedroom. You can use my shower and borrow some clothes.”

  “There’s a wall of about 80 people to get through. I’ll end up meeting all of them while looking like a slightly warmed-over crap pile.”

  “I have an idea, get in the car.” As I got behind the wheel, he called, “I’m going to help my friend find a parking space. Back in a few minutes!” That stirred up a bunch of comments about us running off for a quickie.

  Shea got in the passenger seat. I was hyper-aware of him in that confined space and it was all I could do to keep my hands to myself. We lucked into a parking spot two blocks away, and the moment the engine was off, I climbed over the gear shift and straddled his lap, kissing him hungrily. He tried to tilt the seat but accidentally released the catch, so it fell straight back with a thud. We both laughed at that and then went back to kissing as he wove his fingers in my hair.

  Both of us were completely hard and I rocked my hips a little, rubbing against him. “I need you inside me,” he murmured as I kissed his neck.

  “Are you sore from this morning?”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  I sat up a little so I could look in his eyes. “Sure it does, Shea. Are you okay?” I brushed his dark hair back from his forehead.

  “I’m fine, just a little tender. I still want you in me.”

  I kissed him softly, then opened the passenger door and slid off him. “Come on. I’m being really selfish right now and making you miss your own birthday party.”

  “This is so much better.”

  “You can have both. Your party now and me afterwards.”

  That made him smile. He took my hand as he stepped onto the curb and kept hold of it as we returned to his house. We didn’t go up to the front door, though. Instead, Shea led me to the end of his block and then down an alley. When we got to his back gate, he opened a combination lock and told me, “We can reach my room from the back stairs.”

  We climbed an exterior staircase to a second floor landing. After he unlocked the door to a narrow sun porch, the two of us slipped down the hall to his room. “Made it,” I said with a smile as he closed and locked the bedroom door behind us. “I won’t be long, I’m going to take a quick shower. You don’t happen to have a spare toothbrush, do you?”

  “Sure, let me get it for you.” I followed him to the bathroom and after he handed me a new toothbrush from his cabinet, he kissed me gently. “I’ll find you a clean shirt and leave it on the bed for you.”

  “Thanks. After you do that, why don’t you go downstairs? I’ll meet you there in a few minutes.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. Go have fun. I won’t be long.”

  “Alright.” He kissed me and said, “Don’t forget to lock the bedroom door behind me, just in case someone decides to use my bathroom.”

  “Okay.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again.

  “I’m so glad you came back,” he murmured against my lips.

  “Me too.” I had to force myself to let go of him after a couple minutes, and we both smiled at each other shyly before he left the room.

  After brushing my teeth, showering quickly and washing my unruly hair, I wrapped a towel around my waist, then tried to finger-comb my damp curls. Why hadn’t I gone home and cleaned up this morning? I’d spent the whole day looking like a total slob. Well, I actually knew the answer to that. I’d tried to stay busy to stop myself from coming back here.

  I heard the bedroom door open and close, and assumed Shea had come back. But then the bathroom door was flung open and a tall guy built like a linebacker demanded, “Do you know who I am?” Absolute terror coursed through me as I shook my head no. Oh God, I’d forgotten to lock the bedroom door like Shea told me to.

  The guy was really angry about something, veins standing out in his forearms from his balled-up fists. “We met once. I’m friends with a guy named Sammy Petroski. Does that name ring any bells?” Again I shook my head, sliding around the edge of the sink until my back was pressed to the wall. Panic began to narrow my vision, blackness closing in from both sides.

  “Really? You don’t know that name, you fuck? You should. You spent most of last summer screwing Sammy whenever it suited you, and then when he no longer amused you, you dumped him like yesterday’s trash!”

  I tried to think. I was almost paralyzed with fear but finally managed to stammer, “S...Sam?”

  “Oh, very good, asshole, you managed to remember him. Now if you think for a minute that I’m going to stand by while you do the same thing to my kid brother, you’re sorely mistaken!”

  I was shaking by now, my heart racing as I cowered beside the tub. The huge guy stopped ranting for a moment to ask, “What the fuck’s wrong with you?”

  Shea burst into the bathroom just then and demanded, “What are you doing, Finn?”

  The linebacker turned and bellowed, “No fucking way are you getting involved with this guy, Shea! This is the asshole that Sammy’s still talking about. You know the one!”

  “This isn’t your call. Get out of my way!” As soon as Shea got around his brother he exclaimed, “What did you do to him?”

  “Nothing! I just yelled at him, I don’t know why he’s acting like this.”

  Shea reached for me, but I pulled back reflexively. Even though my heart was racing and my breathing was so quick and shallow that I felt light-headed, his calming voice cut through my anxiety. “You’re okay, Christian. I’m here. Sorry about Finn. My brother’s a pain, but he won’t hurt you.” I managed a couple deep breaths and he said gently, “Can you tell me what’s happening? Are you having a panic attack?” I shook my head no.

  Shea looked over his shoulder and told his brother calmly, “Go downstairs, Finn.”

  “I didn’t mean to freak him out.”

  “Just go, please.”

  “I’m going, but this conversation isn’t over,” Finn said as he stomped out of the room.

  I slid into a seated position and Shea said, “I’ll bring you your clothes, and when you’re ready, you can meet me in the bedroom. Okay?” When I nodded, he picked up my jeans and briefs from the floor and put them beside me, then got the shirt he’d left on the bed and put it within reach, too. He closed the door behind him as he left the bathroom. I got dressed quickly as I struggled to calm down, putting on my own shirt and jacket again. I sighed before opening the door and stepping into the bedroom.

  Shea was sitting on his bed, watching me closely. I leaned against the doorframe and said, “I owe you an explanation. That must have seemed completely nuts.”

  “You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to.”

  “I need you to know what happened.” I took a deep breath and studied the area rug as I said, “I was raped when I was seventeen. It happened in the dorm bathroom on my fourth day at college. I never got a look at my attacker’s face, but I know he was tall and built like your brother.”

  “Oh God,” he whispered.

  “All of a sudden, when Finn was confronting me, I had a really intense flashback to that night. I’ve tried to move past that incident, but it’s not gone. It’s never gone. In fact, it’s actually why I stay clothed when I’m having sex. My attacker tore my clothes off before he raped me, so now being naked makes me feel way too vulnerable.”

  “Christian, I’m so sorry.”

  I couldn’t make myself shut up once I’d started. “That was actually how I lost my virginity. For a few years after that, I couldn’t stand the though
t of anyone touching me, so I didn’t have sex again until I was twenty. At that point, I’d built up a lot of anger and I took my sexuality back with a vengeance. I slept with so many men, but I made sure it was always on my terms. I’d only top, I’d always remain clothed, and I refused to get emotionally involved with my sex partners. I tried to tell Sam that last summer. I explained that it was only sex and I thought he was on the same page. I swear I never meant to hurt him.”

  “I believe you.”

  After a pause, I crossed the room and sat on the bed beside him, a couple feet separating us. “I’m really sorry,” I said quietly, not looking at him. “Your birthday party’s going on downstairs and I’m up here completely oversharing.”

  “I’m glad you’re opening up to me.”

  I looked at him and said, “Would you do something for me?”

  “Anything.”

  “Go back to your party and forget this happened while I let myself out the way we came in.”

  “Anything but that.”

  “I mean it, Shea. I just...I wanted you to know what was behind my freak-out, so you didn’t blame your brother. I said too much though, and it wasn’t the right time or place.”

  “It’s good you told me.”

  I got up and said, “I’m going to get out of here. Again, I’m so sorry.”

  “I really don’t want you to leave.”

  “It’s for the best.”

  He got to his feet and started to reach for me, but he stopped himself. I knew it. I knew my confession would make things awkward between us. He didn’t even know what to do with me now.

  I tried to smile and kind of failed at it. “Take care, Shea.”

  “Christian—”

  I didn’t stick around to hear what he had to say. I left through the sun room and jogged down the back stairs. The gate to the alley was locked, but I scaled it easily.

  When I finally got home, I changed into my favorite worn-out t-shirt and some sweats, shut off the lights and got under my thick blanket. I really tried, but after a while I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I curled up on my side, hugging my pillow as a sob slipped from me, followed by another. And another. It took a long time, but eventually I cried myself to sleep.